Yea, I wrote this on Thanksgiving

Hey normally I hate conspiracies... unless they are delicious. In this case, it is most definitely delicious. But is there a bigger meaning behind all of this....

So everyone knows that breakfast is amazing. It is the most versatile of the three most common meals. You can literally eat breakfast, any time of day, and it isn't weird. This is why places like IHOP and Denny's are all the craze amongst those crazy hungover teens. No one will ever shun you for eating eggs and toast, whether it's midnight, or noon. On the other hand, try ordering a pizza at 9AM, and check out the reactions you will get. Ever notice that most sub/sandwich/pizza places do not even OPEN until lunch time? There is a reason behind this. They don't want to start riots and other civil unrest. But breakfast places? 24 hours NO problem.

Now comes Thanksgiving. Probably the best holiday of the year. Screw presents, I want some damn food! And by some, I mean too much. Pile on a second plate even though I am full, who cares! Variety just means I will eat more, and more, and more. Loosen that belt buckle there boy, it's time for you to turn into a man. What's so great about Thanksgiving? Uhh, everything? Who doesn't love gravy? It's like bacon, it makes everything better. The only thing I ever hear people shitting on is cranberry sauce. Whoa whoa whoa Ms. Lippy. Simma down there. Maybe it's because you aren't having the RIGHT cranberry sauce. It was never meant to come out of a can, with the ridges still visible on the side of the jello-like artificial crapfest. No, cranberry sauce is to be fresh! Mixed in with some orange zest, god damn, gimme another pile. So quit your yappin until you try it the real way, I promise, it will be like losing your virginity all over again (ladies: I do not mean the painful, uncomfortable feelings you had, with the 35 second missionary excursion in you had to overcome... better make it like the first time you had an orgasm?)

Oh, and, FYI- the whole turkey makes you tired is mostly a myth. Yes, there is tryptophan in turkey... but why does no one ever blame the wine? Or the fact you just act 2 pounds of meat, 1pound of veggies, and 3 pounds of everything carbohydrate related? Mix in your crazy grandma asking when you are getting married and having children, follow it up with your weird uncle trying to talk about how good looking your girlfriend is, and don't forget the drunken third cousin of yours watching football and talking about players that haven't been in the league since before you were born. Maybe THOSE things make you tired?

Back to the conspiracy. Notice that the only holiday meals that any place will ever serve, as a treat, is Thanksgiving dinner? You never see Easter dinner, or Veteran's Day dinner. Thanksgiving is the universal of all dinners, and all things delicious. It can be feasted on ANY DAY, and never be strange. In fact, I had a full turkey meal on Monday for lunch without even winking an eye. And yes, I realized that on Thursday I will be knee deep in everything my father and I produce in our kitchen. And it didn't matter. MUCH LIKE- BREAKFAST. To make my point 100% clear- think about what you eat, that Friday morning when you wake up hungover, still full, and you waddle over to the fridge to see what is available. That's right people, you warm up a nice plate of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and hopefully, some real cranberry sauce. And it isn't at all strange. I rest my case.

Is there a conspiracy? Probably. I'll let you decide.

Skinnys with Fatties, Part Deux

One female agrees, and asks why black guys always go for fat white chicks?
Well, I don't think it's just fat white chicks. It's anything with a fat ass, isn't it? It just so happens, that fat white chicks, are probably more likely to own or have constant access to a car. That is KEY. Also, there is a lot of pressure on the black male to have a huge penis. Because everyone expects him to have an anaconda, what happens if he only has a salamander? Well, find a fat chick, and she won't tell anyone. She's just glad to have the attention. Who is she to make fun of you? That bitch sweats just breathing!

Someone else asked about why hot guys are always with trashy girls. Well ladies, I have the secrets. Guys will fuck anything. ANYTHING. The problem with that is: it can lead to relationships. Sad but true. Sometimes forced into it as well, hot guys don't have to use condoms because they are really really ridiculously good looking (can you blame them?) and ugly babes just want the hope for attractive offspring, so they lie about being on birth control. Now, if you see a hot guy with an ugly girl at a BAR- I don't think I need to make a case here. Beer goggles help women to lose weight, it straightens out their teeth, enlarges their boobs, and makes the guy want to hump. And hump, and hump. My last theory is that ugly chicks are intentionally kinky in bed, because they have to be to keep a man around. So maybe she does this crazy thing where she can get the twig AND berries in her mouth, or she arches her back and does somersaults while on top.

Someone brought up the theory that it is based on evolution- that back in the day we were programmed, so to speak, to look for women with child bearing hips to screw so that we could continue our species. I have a few problems with this. Is there such thing as child bearing back fat? A child bearing badunkadunk? I say, if we can no longer hit our women over the head with a solid object, and drag her back to our cave for some one sided lovins, then I can't imagine I still seek out child bearing hips. That was the kind of romance I search for. Or the fact that perfume was invented because the church was afraid we were all fucking like jackrabbits, due to pheremones being secreted from our hoo hoo's and armpits and shit. Well, fuck all that. An overly sweaty bitch with armpit and cooch hair is no way to get me excited. So I don't buy it.

Skinny Dudes, Fat Chicks

First, notice the title. It is that way for a reason. I didn't write "Skinny and Fat Combo Meal" or anything like that. It is very specific, skinny guys, and fat chicks. What the hell is the deal here? Is there something you all want to share with the rest of the class? What is up with all the skinny guys dating hefty babes (and I use the term babe very loosely...)? Is there a certain requirement? I can't even find a trend.

You don't see skinny babes with fat dudes. Even if the skinny babe is ugly. The only way this ever happens is if fat dude has money. Why? Because any chick can get guys, any time she wants. Guys can too, it's true, but ladies don't have to lower their standards nearly as much. Maybe that is the secret to this whole thing. But it still doesn't lend all the answers.

I know we've all heard it - fat chicks give better head. But do they? Does the always hungry joke really work? When was the last time you saw ANYONE eating a hot dog by shoving it in and out of their mouth and just sucking on the damn thing? Oh hell no. If you watch a fat, or even a skinny but hungry person eat, you know this isn't true. All teeth! ALL teeth. So stop telling me a fat chick is going to treat my dingaling like a hot italian sausage, cause that is about the last thing I want to hear.

Is it about insecurity? Are skinny guys so afraid of rejection and being left by their lovers that they seek out the best known, lowest self esteemed of them all?

Is it about saving the earth? Skinny people everywhere are throwing out too many leftovers? What better way to fix that problem than to date a garbage disposal/vacuum cleaner?

It can't be about sex, no way. I've already wondered how fat people have sex. Skinny people just have ugly sex, it's all awkward and bones are constantly cracking and ribs are in the way. But how do you combine the two? Can you ever really let her on top? It's clear that skinny people can fit in some pretty tight spaces.

I don't get it. Maybe I don't want to get it. You can't exactly ask your buddy this question either..
-Hey dude, so just wondering, why are you dating a fat chick?
The good news is, if you do get brave enough to ask, a punch to the face from a skinny guy might make you bleed a little but would also likely break his arm.

Unexpected Infamy

It will NEVER not have some form of entertainment. I don't know if any of you losers watch the videos on here, I sure don't. But there will always be uneducated, ugly ass people to rip on. And the other part I like about Myspace, is that I actually get messages from "friends", recommending that I tear apart, or at least address the deformities, of these outcasts in our society. Which leads me to my next trick.


Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And she's like "Get your own fucking milkshake I'M HUNGRY"

Man, where to start.

First thing I noticed was that she was single- I had to wonder why. Especially since she appears to think she is sexy, with her huge "I'd hit it" sign. Now listen folks, I will always preach that you should have some degree of self esteem. Well, until now. Strike one was living in Kentucky. Don't get me wrong friends, I am sure there are at least 3 people in Kentucky that contribute positively to society. And I don't mean contributions of funny mullet pictures, aiding the National Flannel Society in staying alive, providing the before pictures in dentist offices to scare children straight... etc. Heck I am sure some can even make a killer moonshine that won't strike you blind. But let's be honest. Most are probably making or smoking meth, having sex with cousins that are only "sorta related", say words that don't exist in the English language (I bet ain't is a hot word there), and ----- make me feel better when I watch Cops. What was my point? Oh, right. Short and sweet- no reason for her to have self esteem. Not that I want her binging and purging, I can only imagine the screams coming from her toilet. But, seriously, how slimming can your mirror be? Strike two is actually having a caption where she says she looks sexy. Funny, I thought she looked exactly like a Cabbage Patch Kid. Actually, now that I think of it, she really, really does. Kinda creepy.

MOVING ON- who gets glamour shots these days? You know that is her mother's Match.com picture. Look closely, and tell me that isn't a man with a wig. Those must have been some professional photographers, they forgot to shave her facial hair. How much CZ can one person wear???

My next question- How big is that photo booth they are squeezed into? Mom looks like she is fighting with playdough. You know once ma pulled out of there, a lasting impression slowly pushed out of the mass of human it was just pressed into. And much like silly putty, though it regained shape, it was stuck with a perfect print of mother's finest shirt.

Another quick question- how fucking large was that baby when it was born? Mother must be stuck with a canyon vagina- seriously. Hot dog down a hallway is but child's play next to the subway tunnels that behemoth left behind. That may be the reason that you don't see father in the picture. That or he got sick of kissing his own sister and moved onto extended family. But hey, I am just speculating here.

What is sad, and what I am looking for, was a full body shot. I know most of us have seen cankles (for those of you who don't know, that is the blending of the calf, and the ankle) But have you ever seen a booble? There is no way there is any distinct definition of where one body part ends, and another starts. I don't know what is worse- that I am picturing her naked right now, in order to come up with this comparison- or that someone, somewhere, has probably seen her naked and maybe even got a little twinge in the groin while doing so.

Anyone who likes Insane Clown Posse needs help. They are the advocate for white trash everywhere. Even the Klan can get jiggy with that shit. Though without showing me, I probably could have guessed from reading her attempts at English. I LOVE when someone is so fucking stoopid, that he or she actually writes about how BOARD he/she is. That isn't just a typo people. I'll let her slide on the frEInd mistake. Someone tried to tell her I before E and she got very very confused... trying to have IM sex with her brother, she wrote the word PINES and it was all downhill from there (think about it...)

And then I come to the picture of the marijuana leaf, which is both classy, and beautiful. Probably on the fridge, that way she gets to see it 36 times a day. If any of you can decipher the caption she wrote under there, let me know- there is a hefty award, and a job for you somewhere in Kentucky.

Vampirefreaks.com? I can't imagine they would ever make a trenchcoat that large. But she sure has plenty of places to hide weapons....

I was going to continue on... but then I saw that she writes poetry. That shit is deep. I'll end this now, and go be inspired.

Just rememeber, I don't find these people. You sick bastards feed them to me!

Prepare for the apocalypse... or just keep drinking beers

We all know it's coming people, and in the end it will probably be the United States that brings it about, or at least our conquest for democracy (see: domination/oppression) we think (force) every country should adopt (or we will consider you terrorists).

One great example of that is shows on Fox. Fox has come up with some greats, in the past it was Cops that gave a refreshing view of how many ugly dirty scumbags there are, and just how stupid most criminals really are.

Then came the Swan. Where Fox took some really really ugly bitches with a sob story (what ugly person doesn't have a sad story somewhere in his or her life) and gave them a ton of plastic surgery and some coaching to make them all feel pretty (and unable to ever frown again). Now that, was a classy show. Why teach the women to love themselves for who they really are, when you can cover it all up with botox and fake teeth and lyposuction? Not only that, these poor broads now look fantastic on the outside, are goign to gain back any potential weight because all you did was vacuum it out, and you now have a bunch of FOX-y ladies that are going to be the prey of any half witted man who realizes "Hey, she still has no self esteem!" Perfect. And if they had a boyfriend they decide to stay with, you know he was some lazy ugly schmuck himself who now gets to beat up on his hot new barbie doll. Couldn't have picked a better idea for a show myself. Fox: the channel of morals.

Well tonight, was another fantastic new breakthrough in humiliating and degrading the American public was born. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Who comes up with this shit? If you didn't catch it, I suggest watching it sometime in the next 2 weeks because I will personally put down a hefty money bet that this show lasts about a month long. In case the rest of the world doesn't already perceive us as the dumbest creatures ever (Note: We are likely represented by characters like Paris Hilton... not exactly a 1600 on her SAT's, but passed her STDs with flying colors!) Now, we are put to the test against a bunch of genius 5th graders that have not yet discovered SEX, DRUGS, DRINKING, and most other loose morals. So basically, these kids love school, because they don't know of all the wonderful other things there are that can kill brain cells, as opposed to filling them with useful knowledge.
One kid looked reminded me of that chubby bastard with the rat-tail in Billy Madison. And I wanted to jump through the screen and pinch his little cheeks and make sure he never gets to HIKE school. Because jumping around excited that you knew what REM sleep was, really won't get you much pussy later on in life. But neither will being fat and wearing plaid, right?

Needless to say, the contestants were complete morons and it appears Fox will do anything in it's power to try and prove we are all a bunch of idiots that forget the value of a good education- at least I think? Of course the choice for Jeff Foxworthy, famous for his redneck jokes, makes that all a little puzzling- but anyway.

I could sit here and pretend I got every question right. In fact, I missed half the show. But I got a question on Pilgrims wrong, I'll go ahead and admit, some 5th grader was smarter than I am. But does that little fuck also know what syphillis infested blankets and mass-genocide is? WASN'T MUCH OF A THANKSGIVING FEAST AFTER ALL NOW WAS IT?!?! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!!!!! IN YO FACE 5TH GRADERS.

To clarify, it is a show, on a channel that is known for being extremely republican (watch the Fox News Channel, it is about as fair and balanced as the witch hunts were in Salem) and it has decided to air a show that proves America is full of morons. Yet the same republican channel, which is "led" by the current President of the United States- must fail to recognize that that fearless leader is deciding every day to put more of the budget into the military, and less into education. Chew on that?

Currently in the audition process to go on that show and make 10 year olds scream and cry. Watch for me.

The end is near!

Worst "HOLIDAY" ever.

Ah February 14th. One of 365 days always circled in every young woman's mind. Is it really a holiday? Do any of you even know that it is named after a Saint? So anyway, apparently this Saint Valentine outlawed marriage for young men because "single men made better soldiers". Can't say I agree with that. Single men still get laid, right? What makes a man angrier than no sex? Clouded judgement, my good Saint. Anyway he was killed for his actions. BUT, while in jail, he wrote a letter to a young woman he was falling for, and at the end, wrote "From your Valentine". I'm sure most of the story is bullshit, but anyway- this is quite the reason for romance, if you ask me. Eventually this was passed along, and now it is the SECOND LARGEST CARD-SENDING HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!! (To Christmas, of course)


If that doesn't prove it is a Hallmark Holiday, I don't know what does.


Ladies, let me break it down for you real quick. No guy enjoys Valentine's day. It's way way worse than an anniversary, because everyone celebrates this "holiday" at the same time. So the pressure to step up is multiplied exponentially. Chances are you will be able to find a restaurant to book for your anniversary. Same goes with finding a nice flower arrangement, and thinking and being able to do something romantic that NO ONE ELSE will think of. Good fucking luck on February 14th. But no woman would ever see it that way. Instead it would just be chalked up to failure on your part- and when all her girlfriends are bragging about the chic restaurants they went to and the 9 dozen roses spread across the bed and in the tub with Kenny G playing love songs LIVE- the fury will start to bubble over. If you ask me, this holiday is just a way for women to prove to themselves and their sisters that there is always someone better out there- that we men fail at everything we try to do for you, and that we should just be enslaved for mating purposes.


Flowers are pretty and smell good. Yipee. They die, in like 2 days. All that fucking money, for some red flowers that everyone else is buying at the same damn time, and you still feel special and loved? You think Saint Valentine had any flowers when he was in prison?? He may have lost his flower, but that's a whole different topic.


Now why would we want to feed you chocolates? With the media teaching us anorexic is the new hot, the last thing we want is for your ass to get fat. Then our friends joke about you, doorways and stairwells become a little more snug for two way traffic, you can't fit into our favorite set of panties you have anymore, you take up too much of the bed and spooning becomes a strange event where our own rear winds up hanging half off the bed, exposed to the cold. FUCK THAT! For Valentines Day I want to bring you to the god damn gym and set the treadmill on super fast while I go do my routine. That way we will all feel and look sexy for the night that we pretend to care about to keep you smiling. Plus, if Saint Valentine had any chocolate while he was there on old school death row, don't you think he would have kept the shit for himself?


And cards? All guys have sloppy ass hand writing. If you want to show off to your girlfriends that a 3rd grader wrote youa love letter, be my guest. But expect it to be unoriginal and extremely cliche. Also expect poor word choice, typographical errors, and plagiarism. We are unoriginal, and not afraid to admit it. I don't believe in writing cards. I am considering hiring someone for the year, just to write all my Thank You's, Happy Birthdays, Thinking of Yous, Get Wells, and I'm Breaking Up With Yous Cause You Are a Psychotic Dirty Hooker. I never understood the whole card thing, especially this day and age with things broadly labeled under "Modern Technology".


What is the big fucking deal? I have boycotted Valentine's Day for years now, and I am getting along just fine. But, unlike the single women that pretend to boycott it, I really could care less about today. I like when groups of girls get together in their celebration of "hating Valentines Day". Because at some point during the vodka and cranberry juice festivities, it hits them. Wow, my drink is red. That's like my heart. My heart aches, I long for a man. Oh, sad sad Valentine's Day, why do I have to be lonely again? Cue the sobbing on the inside, the self loathing and probably a one night stand that one party might not expect to be only a one night stand.


I again don't have a Valentine this year, or anyone with big expectations out of me- it's shitting sleet and rain and cold outside, I just stepped in 12 puddles that were past my ankle- I'm wet and hungry and pissed and the LAST thing I want is to run around and try to make my boo feel like she is the most important person in the world. And trust me ladies, your boyfriend feels the exact same way.


Try him out sometime. When it is getting close to Valentine's Day, no matter HOW much you love it and want it to be the best day ever- bring this up. Say to him "Oh honey, I hate Valentine's Day... let's not celebrate, okay?" Say it in person. Watch his fucking mouth drop to the floor, his eyes bug out wider than Reche Caldwell when a pass is coming his way, and look very very closely for a tear or two to start (tear of joy, no doubt). Any man who gave a SHIT about Valentines Day would try and stop you from the maddness (genius) you are spitting from your mouth. The only other way you will get this response is if you have been with him more than a year, and he is calling your bluff.




I am shooting for a movement. If you women, and you lame ass card stores and flower boutiques insist on keeping Valentine's Day so highly coveted; I want a holiday. And don't give me the Father's Day bullshit because there is a female counterpart to that to, and I'm 93% sure I am not a father (unless there is a boy out there growing up to be a professional sports player, actor, investment banker, President, etc.... in that case- daddy's riiight here!) I want to call it the Shutup, I Don't Want Any Romance Just A Good Blowjob Like You Used To Give Along With A Few Of My Favorite Beers, A Free Pass At The Remote, And Forgiveness For Any Of The Stupid Bullshit Arguments We May Be Having, That Are Related To Things Up To Five Years Ago. Now that, would be a fucking holiday. If you women promise to give us that, maybe, just maybe, we men will continue to honor your ridiculous middle of the winter overcelebrated and underestimated joke of a holiday.

And in the news....

So recently in the news was a rather tragic story most of you would never see. No, not that Tom Brady is going to be a father. WHO CARES? Plus, anyone that careless with his passes in playoff games obviously wouldn't wear a rubber and make sure his sweetheart is on birth control. Same sweetheart that was nearing the end of her biological clock... that's another topic.

No, no, this one takes place much farther south. Georgia, to be exact (GO BULLDOGS). There currently is a man in jail, who is serving a TEN year sentence, for getting a blowjob. I know, there must be more to it, right? Well.... not really. When this guy was 17 years old, he received CONSENSUAL oral sex from a 15 year old. Okay, still doesn't seem weird, so what's the story?

Well, there are a shitload of weird laws out there, that are just never updated, challenged, or changed, to reflect the changing times. This happens to be a case of a weird law, and a couple poor choices.

Under Georgia law at the time, this was considered aggravated child molestation- and a FELONY for teens LESS THAN three years apart to have oral sex. I know- makes no sense. Especially since it stresses less than three years apart. And, it gets worse- poor guy shouldn't have settled for some dome- it is only a MISDEMEANOR for those same teens to have sexual intercourse. You think that's something they teach in sex ed??
"Now kids, next time you're at a party, with a teenage girl less than three years older or younger than you, and she wants to suck you off.... you bitch slap that ho, say fuck no, and tell her it's penetration or nothing!" I can just envision the t-shirt sales now....

So it gets better. Not only did this guy catch a hummer from some eager 15 year old- it was at a party, in front of people. How many, not exactly sure, but if you check the VIDEO, you're bound to find out. Oh, right, someone videotaped it as well. Not just that, but this poor son of a bitch was #2 of 2 that night. Yep, the video clearly shows her playing wet willy with some other clown, wiping her mouth and sliding over to the next victim. Let's examine the poor choices so far:

This hot shot football player is at some party his senior year. He hears about some drunk freshman going around looking to slurp some baby batter, so he raises his hand... at the same time his buddy does. They decide to shoot rock paper scissors for it, and the stupid bastard chooses PAPER on his first try. Touch luck bro, your buddy took scissors. Shit, so close. But then, little slut in training speaks up and offers to take you both- one at a time of course, she isn't a whore yet. JACKPOT, right? No. Once you learn you are going to be sloppy seconds, WALK AWAY. At least that's what my daddy taught me.

Next, why the fuck would you ever want that videotaped? I can understand if you're hung like a horse, and want the whole class to see how huge you are- but that is a case when the reputation should be able to spread quicker than a copy that clearly shows you were willing and able to let some little girl make you her (hopefully) 2nd of the night. Then you let the copy of the tape get out, as potential blackmail/evidence?? All I can think of is Menace II Society..

So this guy is in jail, over 5 years now, and probably has given quite a few blowjobs himself since this all went down. The girl admitted on trial that it was all consensual and she initiated it. Her father must have been proud, watching that tape in front of a courtroom- judge, jury, reporters... pure class. I'm sure she must be studying a double major now at one of those Ivy-leagues.

If anything is to be taken funny from all of this, it is the name of the lawyer that this guy hired to represent him- AND I SHIT YOU NOT- B.J. Bernstein. AND, B.J. happens to be a female. The irony, the symbolism, that alone, caused me to almost fall out of my chair, you can't imagine that wasn't purposeful, can you????

The m00n rul3z

This whole "BOMB" scare, made the city look like one big, fat, stanky, gaping vagina. Yep, it's true. We have our fearless Mayor Menino, looking like god damn Napoleon- flexing his little muscles against the big bad Turner Broadcasting, which by the way owns just about everything in the world. Right now, Ted Turner is getting a massage by 19 Chinese supermodels, while smoking the most expensive Cuban cigar ever, that he lit with thousand dollar bills, wondering if he should rename Faneuil Hall after himself, or the Common. He doesn't give a fuck, and he shouldn't have to.

9 OTHER BIG CITIES HAD EXACTLY THIS DONE TO THEM. But nobody hears about it until someone in Boston got nervous and then, kabloom. Let me just say, these things had been planted for nearly 3 weeks, thank fucking GOD they weren't bombs. Good job on the anti-terrorism! Since when was anyone afraid of Lite Brite anyway? And it just goes to show you, more people should watch cartoons. If one saavy police officer had known about Aqua Teen Hunger Force, all this traffic snarling, river shutting down, campus closing bullshit would have ended with a big giggle and an explanation that it was just a Mooninite, and that the Moon Rulez and he loves giving the finger and smoking butts. Then the tiny mayor with a loud voice could have saved his ridiculous comments he will be forever remembered for. Revoke Turner's license to BROADCAST? ARE YOU JOKING? TNT, TBS, CNN, and Cartoon Network- at least one person in EVERY household with cable (Or Satellite- shout out to DirectTV) watches one, two, maybe all of these channels. People say drastic, ridiculous things at times of stress, this was a little overboard. Settle down big guy, or Ted will buy this city.

Why didn't New York give a damn? They shut down one street for like 3 minutes. If that's the worst thing going on in New York, the Cops are throwing a god damn keg party. Why didn't Seattle care? The same reason it is easy to be a weatherman there- it fucking sucks!
-And now to Ken with the weather, Ken?
--Thank you Sue. Tonight, there will be rain. Tomorrow morning, cloudy, chance of rain. And tomorrow night, more rain, at times heavy. Chance of sunshine on Saturday...... PSYCH!!! OOOHH, gotcha bitches!
-Oh Ken, you make my panties wet!

People in Seattle are already fucking miserable. They have potentially the most pathetic mascot in football. Even a dolphin wearing a helmet is cooler, and that's the only animal that is wearing one! A Seahawk? Ooooh, scary. Please don't glide over the Pacific picking up small defenseless fish. What a badass. People in Seattle were hoping they were bombs; they were running up and grabbing and eating the little plastic pegs and waiting for a KABOOOOOOOOOOM. Instead they had indigestion and glowing bowel movements.

Boston, don't get me wrong. I moved here because you rock. I love everything about you, but now everyone in the fucking country is laughing. Did you see the two guys who were arrested for posting these signs? LAUGHING IN COURT! WHO LAUGHS IN COURT? Yes, I found one of the guys on Myspace, and I added him, because I love his 15 minutes of fame and I wish I had the same damn thing, for promoting a TV show that is so misunderstood, and so fantastic. And you better believe come March, should the movie come out on time- I will take the day off work to go see the cinematic genius.

Next thing you know people in Boston will be calling 911 on those Obey Giant posters, saying that they saw the eyes move and that it smells like anthrax. Seriously.... LIGHTEN UP!

High of 32, Low of 6. Chance of bullshit: 100%

This whole "BOMB" scare, made the city look like one big, fat, stanky, gaping vagina. Yep, it's true. We have our fearless Mayor Menino, looking like god damn Napoleon- flexing his little muscles against the big bad Turner Broadcasting, which by the way owns just about everything in the world. Right now, Ted Turner is getting a massage by 19 Chinese supermodels, while smoking the most expensive Cuban cigar ever, that he lit with thousand dollar bills, wondering if he should rename Faneuil Hall after himself, or the Common. He doesn't give a fuck, and he shouldn't have to.

9 OTHER BIG CITIES HAD EXACTLY THIS DONE TO THEM. But nobody hears about it until someone in Boston got nervous and then, kabloom. Let me just say, these things had been planted for nearly 3 weeks, thank fucking GOD they weren't bombs. Good job on the anti-terrorism! Since when was anyone afraid of Lite Brite anyway? And it just goes to show you, more people should watch cartoons. If one saavy police officer had known about Aqua Teen Hunger Force, all this traffic snarling, river shutting down, campus closing bullshit would have ended with a big giggle and an explanation that it was just a Mooninite, and that the Moon Rulez and he loves giving the finger and smoking butts. Then the tiny mayor with a loud voice could have saved his ridiculous comments he will be forever remembered for. Revoke Turner's license to BROADCAST? ARE YOU JOKING? TNT, TBS, CNN, and Cartoon Network- at least one person in EVERY household with cable (Or Satellite- shout out to DirectTV) watches one, two, maybe all of these channels. People say drastic, ridiculous things at times of stress, this was a little overboard. Settle down big guy, or Ted will buy this city.

Why didn't New York give a damn? They shut down one street for like 3 minutes. If that's the worst thing going on in New York, the Cops are throwing a god damn keg party. Why didn't Seattle care? The same reason it is easy to be a weatherman there- it fucking sucks!
-And now to Ken with the weather, Ken?
--Thank you Sue. Tonight, there will be rain. Tomorrow morning, cloudy, chance of rain. And tomorrow night, more rain, at times heavy. Chance of sunshine on Saturday...... PSYCH!!! OOOHH, gotcha bitches!
-Oh Ken, you make my panties wet!

People in Seattle are already fucking miserable. They have potentially the most pathetic mascot in football. Even a dolphin wearing a helmet is cooler, and that's the only animal that is wearing one! A Seahawk? Ooooh, scary. Please don't glide over the Pacific picking up small defenseless fish. What a badass. People in Seattle were hoping they were bombs; they were running up and grabbing and eating the little plastic pegs and waiting for a KABOOOOOOOOOOM. Instead they had indigestion and glowing bowel movements.

Boston, don't get me wrong. I moved here because you rock. I love everything about you, but now everyone in the fucking country is laughing. Did you see the two guys who were arrested for posting these signs? LAUGHING IN COURT! WHO LAUGHS IN COURT? Yes, I found one of the guys on Myspace, and I added him, because I love his 15 minutes of fame and I wish I had the same damn thing, for promoting a TV show that is so misunderstood, and so fantastic. And you better believe come March, should the movie come out on time- I will take the day off work to go see the cinematic genius.

Next thing you know people in Boston will be calling 911 on those Obey Giant posters, saying that they saw the eyes move and that it smells like anthrax. Seriously.... LIGHTEN UP!

Some Dane History....

So believe it or not, I was in a fraternity at UMass. Don't get me wrong, I was like the rest of this Earth- never thought I would join sit I did not fit the prototypical "mold" that is so portrayed on mass media, and ingrained in our heads as follows:

A group of douchebag guys that stare at themselves in the mirror too much, get the same haircut (potentially a blowout), wear pink and headbands/wristbands because it happened to be trendy and pathetic, and had lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of women, only to dump them outside directly after getting off. Something along those lines, right? Oh and you have to be a moron and love drinking beer and some are even meatheads.

Well, that just wasn't me. I am NO meathead! The rest... well
I hope you sense my sarcasm. Anyway, my freshman year, I met a bunch of idiots that I happened to work well with (see: get drunk with). On my floor, 2 kids had decided to pledge this fraternity their first semester. Also on my floor lived 2 other "older brothers" and a few floors down, other friends that were part of the same frat. Basically these losers were all over the place. But if we were all friends, I must have been a loser as well, right? So one day, during the whole pledge process, this one kid turned to me and said "Hey why don't you pledge next semester?" And I'm all "Nah, I'm not a meathead, just the rest of those terrible things..." But I slept on it, and I thought, well- it's a reason to move out of the dorms, if nothing else. Nothing like paying for your friends, right? So I pledged. And without doing that, I wouldn't be the person I am today, in the situation I am today, living with the friends I live with today. Quite the contrary, I would probably have a perfectly healthy liver, I would have graduated at LEAST Cum Laude and I would be prosperous and some form of psychologist.

BUT WHO WANTS THAT? I'm happy, my liver is probably running somewhere around 83% of it's max function (Shout out to the Milk Thistle- HOLLA) and I have a good job and good people surrounding me. Probably the only reason I joined anyway was that these guys weren't like the definition everyone has held as true. They were a diverse group of guys that liked to come together, throw a mean party, drink until the sun came up, and rock 80's music until the headbanging hurt. If that isn't the coolest thing ever, I don't know what is.

The point is, it shaped me in many ways that NOT joining may not have been able to. I went through a lot of shit, and a lot of growing up in that fraternity. Sure there was pathetic boy drama, what do you expect when you get 25-30 guys living together in one house, and sharing 3 and very occasionally 4 functioning showers and really only one amazing toilet (3rd floor toilet was more sought after than vagina on some occasions). But it also taught me a few things, respect for your "elders" not being one of those lessons. It taught me I could get away with some crazy shit, and always have some idiots behind me to back me up, because we were "all brothers, all men" We lost a dear dear friend, Frankie boy, who happened to live directly below me; and I still think about him anytime I hear his favorite song of the time... Beautiful, by Snoop Dogg. That's life: there is growth, and there is death.

Pledging was nothing more than a huge mindfuck, and taught me a very, very valuable lesson. No matter what game you are trying to play, respect is an issue that is never forgotten. I can clearly remember at least one or two guys who fucked with us because it was part of the process, and then directly after the fact expected handshakes and everything to be forgotten. That is absolutely a lesson that can be applied once you are no longer a douchebag and in the real world, let me tell ya.

I never regret my decision to join a fraternity for even a second. We had some wild parties, and I made some amazing friends that I will never lose. I learned some lessons, and I taught some as well.

I am not even sure I have a point here, I just want you to understand these next few memories I am about to spit about living in the fraternity, and some of the mayhem that may or may not have happened. Some is up for speculation because now and then we all get blackout drunk and have to hear about the memories of events through others' stories.

PSA for Weed.

So this is what happens when you smoke too much....

Getting over a hangover at my place, downstairs watching football like we have been all day. Someone comes over with too much weed and wants to smoke it. Well shit, I want my headache to go away and my appetite to come back. So what do I do? Smoke a lot of weed. And what does that cause, besides hunger and laziness? Stupidity, and I love it.

Boise State is playing right now. They are from, go figure, Idaho. So we get some interesting Idaho commercials during the breaks. One was for a woman advertising healthy diets and losing weight. What was she pushing? Idaho potatoes..... let's be honest, can you think of ANYTHING else that might come from Idaho? I thought so. So this woman was trying to say if you eat tons and tons of Idaho potatoes, with sour cream, bacon bits, ketchup, olive oil, butter, margarine, salt, WHATEVER... that you will get healthy? So I cracked on it, we may have gone too far but we joked about it for a good 3 minutes, and since we are all high, it only became more ridiculous, and more hilarious, with each passing contribution.

Then a light bulb goes off in my friend's head. Now this is something maybe he would normally take a little more time thinking through, but not this night. He turns to my friend and I, giggling like school girls because we can hardly breathe, and our rib cages are starting to hurt.. and he offers up a gem

"Well that is the irony of the potato family" with a shit eating grin and squinty red eyes he looks at us and declares that statement. Now, giving him the benefit of the doubt due to the marijuana intake, and also knowing I was high myself and potentially missing a simple connection... I thought, I thought hard for a long minute. Potentially the longest minute I've experienced in a long while. I played out all the scenarios- was it a play on words? Nope. is there some family with the last name Potato that is really fat?? No, but I thought about that one for a while...

What does he mean why is he laughing is my other friend laughing does anyone understand man am I hungry hold on where was I what did he just say?

That may have been about a minute by then... so I asked him "What the fuck are you talking about?"
At this point, the laughing is more of a gasp for air than anything. My roomate has now put the blanket over his head and is hiding in order to try and stop the laughter. Good luck, stoner. I grill him hard and he has just no explanation for what the statement can be.. but he presses on with ridiculous attempts at making some semblance from a pile or horse shit. But he has nothing, so I call his bluff. I told him he can admit to saying some BS he thought may have sounded so intelligent that it wouldn't be questioned by a couple of high kids, and I would leave him alone. After one more attempt at making sense, no one able to even rebutt due to lack of oxygen to the brain, he concedes defeat. Now that, would be a commercial to keep kids from smoking weed. I could see it now.

KIDS! Do you want to be high and worthless for hours and say really really stupid shit that might embarass you in front of your friends? And then they would run my story right here and it would end with one of us grabbing Daddy's gun to play or riding our bikes out the second floor window.

I am a genius.

In a real life attempt at instant replay, we talked for a few minutes about how funny what just happened was, and how none of us will remember in a half hour, especially if we smoke again (nightcap?)
And I ran upstairs to share my story and really, to help my own damn memory out.

Bus Etiquette

Alright people, it's Friday. Everyone should be pumped, gettin the hell out of the office, long friggin week, and ready to party. Or relax, or both, or whatever. People should NOT be so fucking uptight right now.

So since I moved to Boston in June I have been taking the bus to work. Super easy, super convenient, relatively cheap. And I have my iPod (shameless plug) because it keeps me entertained. Normally I have a book too, but the bus is too fucking quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to hear other people's conversations. I don't want to hear people coughing and weezing, and I can't stand silence for too long. So I have my music, a book, my phone, and I'm good. And I have NEVER had a problem on the bus. But apparently there is bus etiquette that I broke on the ride back, and boy, my heart rate just went down.

To me, the only thing offensive on the bus is when someone smells like a pile of dung. That or cigarettes. And excuse me, but fatties that take up more than their half of the seat, that's not cool either. I don't smoke, of course I always smell good, and I'm only secretly fat. So I never though there was a problem. Rarely will I talk on the phone on the bus, normally it's a text only zone, unless the call is important and at least I try to keep quiet, because I know people are listening. Not because I am important, because they are too poor to buy an iPod (shameless #2).

So I took the hot seat on the ride home today. There is one double seat facing forward with extra leg room. And boy, is it Heaven. And heavily sought after, so normally people will snatch it up before I get there. But today was my lucky day. So some 40-something woman sits next to me. She's a regular, can't say I've ever had the pleasure of sitting with her before. No biggie. I have my book, my music, and my texts, and it's Friday. I'm golden, right? Well a few songs into it, she starts looking at me. I pay no mind, I'm half asleep and trying to read and I don't give a shit if my music is offensive, it's in my damn ears.

So another song comes on, and she must not have been feeling the beat. Guess what? FUCK OFF! Don't care. She's there reading the newspaper... lady, it already happened. Watch the news when you get home, the newspaper is gay. Yes, gay. So she actually turns her whole head, and stares at me. Thank God I have a book in my hands, I wanted to strangle her. She doesn't even have the (proverbial) balls to tell me to turn it down, she just has a look of smug disgust I can see out of the corner of my eye, and I pay her NO MIND. It's FRIDAY, lighten up you old salty bitch. I'll admit, I played the nice guy role and turned it down... slightly. But totally super ninja stealth mode so this evil whore wouldn't know that she had won, to some extent. After a scoff she turns back to her OLD NEWS and I continue to read, but now I'm shaking my leg and my heart starts to beat a little faster. I think of everything I want to say.
"Yeah, I wouldn't sit next to me either"
"It's Friday, how about you simma down NAH?"
"I'm sorry, is this offending you? There's open standing room over there"
"Is that a stick in your ass or are you always this grumpy"

But I wait for her to strike first. I picture her assaulting me, I can see her pulling out the earbud and screaming at me for being an immature little prick who won't turn his music down... my mind wanders. Heart beats faster, I can feel it thumping. Why? Fight or flight response? Weird, cause I got nowhere to run, and I sure can't punch a middle aged woman in the face (can I?) Of course she won't do anything, maybe complain to the bus driver?

Nothing happens, go figure. She gives me another few futile looks, watches me as I pull out my phone to send a text to my roomate (I just got 4 tickets to the Patriots/Lions game) and then I close my book. Well good thing she wants to see just what I'm reading. Probably something about hip hop or the ghetto or graffiti, right you crooked cunt?
That's what is funny. My book happens to be called "Devil in the White City". Which makes me sound like a Black Panther trying to start a revolution. My mix of hip hop probably isn't helping my cause, of her bullshit stereotype. But my book actually has to do with a non-fiction recount of a murderer in Chicago (White City) during the World Fair in the 1890's. So then I'm hoping she says something before she leaves, so I can throw it in her face how ignorant and pathetic she is, and that it's Friday and I need to go get drunk and flirt with young women because I am not a grumpy old fart who has nothing to do tonight but make tea and go to bed at 8:30.


But nothing happens. The bus comes to her stop, she leaves. My stop is next, I get off, make sure she isn't chasing me with a makeshift shank, and I go on my way. A man in front of me drops his wallet, and I chase him down to give it back to him. He was a 49er's fan, how unfortunate. So I guess something good has to happen to me tonight.. right?

Fuck Minivans!@!

You know what I hate? Minivans on the highway. I pretty much hate minivans in general, which is why I will never EVER drive one. There is a requirement for my wife: she must absolutely hate minivans as well. I'll drive an SUV (and hate it) only when warranted by family vacations with the kids.

The reason I hate them? The driver never seems to understand that he or she is in a minivan. Living in Massachusetts, people are fucking crazy enough on the roads. But when I am in the "passing lane" on the Pike, going 80, and suddenly there is a fucking huge minivan on my ass, we have a problem.

1) the minivan is a family car. Meaning most times, there is a family in that car. If I find out you are driving 80 on the highway, passing CARS, in your ugly Dodge Caravan, with one or more children in the car, I will rip you out of your car, give you a noogie and indian rug burn, kick you in the junk and babymaker, and let you go on your way. What the fuck is a rush? If you want to drive like an idiot, have the right fucking car.

2) It is a V8 because it has to lug around your fat ass and your old McDonalds bags and screaming brats, not because it wants to swerve around on the highway, IDIOT. If you are irresponsible enough to be driving that way, and late for whatever important dates you are attending, then you are probably too stupid to make sure your children are wearing their seatbelts properly, also. Guess what happens when big fucking minivan speeding out of control gets in an accident? Yes, you have airbags, yipee. But your child just went through the windshield, asshole. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Are you just angry because you feel like less of a man? Way to be father of the year, douchebag. You signed up for soccer mom status when you had 12 children. Shoulda thought of that once you realized you had super sperm and she had fertile grounds. I don't know, get some tubes tied?

No one particularly likes driving, no one likes traffic, and no one is Massachusetts has to drive. But if you have a fucking minivan, stay out of the passing lane. Slow the fuck down, realize who you are, and what you are driving. Cause one day you are going to hit a puddle in that tank, and things won't be so easy.

And on a side note, what ever happened to the baby on board signs? I see a few here and there, but remember when they were the coolest thing ever? I want to address that quickly. What do the people who buy those signs think they do? It's the same cranky fucks in those neighborhoods that buy the "Slow Down: Children at play" signs. FUCK OFF! Teach your kids not to run in front of cars and everything should be okay. I'm not going to drive 10 mph past your house, just in case one of your braindead children throws a ball in the road and goes to chase it. Teach them to play videogames, or with themselves. Way less chance of being roadkill that way.

I'm glad you have a baby in your car, but guess what? If one of us is driving like an asshole, that sign won't stop a collision from happening, idiot. It's not like at the last second, after you blow a red light and I'm too busy paying attention to my phone conversation and gum chewing to see you being a moron, that I will be able to swerve out of the way and hit something else because "SHIT, BABY ON BOARD!" Give me a break.

I blame technology!

Unfortunately, there is a fad I was hoping would die quickly. Or, at least, be used sparingly and only when necessary. I was dead wrong.

Ever since this whole bluetooth thing came about, people everywhere have the need to try and look cool by wearing it, everywhere. Just one problem with that: you look like a fucking idiot, and people that don't see it think for a while you are giggling and talking to yourself, not a great first impression.

Bluetooth headsets have one use and one use only: talking while driving. There are few other times you would need to use both hands and focus on something while talking. Of course there is a pass for phone sex, I can see the need for a headset there. But that isn't in public. And if someone is talking you through making an origami crane, I might let it slide. But here's an example that doesn't make you cool.

I was in Circuit City a few weeks ago and saw a couple of fat 30 something dudes walking around together, trying to be studs. Two problems with that. They had bluetooth headsets in, just walking around shopping, probably trying to call the hot babe they met the night before at the bar! Did I mention they were fatties too? So not only were their belts bursting below their behemoth guts, they also had their flashy phones conveniently mounted somewhere by their FUPAs. This is a case where these guys may have actually been talking to themselves. Even the fake self esteem wasn't coming off well. I don't even work at the store and I wanted to strangle these two. On their stupid phones in line? That's going too far. If you go somewhere with a friend, doesn't that eliminate the need to desperately find someone to talk to, so you can try and show off your firm grasp of new technology? And talk about being rude, who the fuck gave you permission to have a conversation while trying to check out? Not only are you holding up the line (see: Me, behind you, getting pissed) you are confusing the clerk and she wants to stab your eyes out because she has asked you three times to swipe your fucking credit card again and you can't hear her because you must be wheelin and dealin on the side conversation. Probably maxed your little platinum bitch out spending $500 on everything new and hot. LOSER.

Something else that didn't make sense. Someone not as trendy was using a hands free while having lunch. I'm talking the original hands free, the long wire with the earpiece. Now that's keepin it real. Using that while eating, that's normally fair and all, don't want the phone greasy, need one hand to eat and one to drink and/or write down important notes. But she was done eating, and was reading a newspaper, and doodling. In other words, there was no reason for her to need to have her hands free. None at all. And yet, she continued on. And it did take me a few minutes to realize what she was up to. Then I thought maybe she worked for the FBI and was after me for... well, maybe that will be in another blog.

I guess my point is:
You look dumb, and the person on the other line can barely hear you. All you can hear is wind or background noise. If you aren't driving, or you clearly have at least one hand free, hold your damn phone. You won't get less pussy/dick that way, I promise. And! your battery will last longer. So you can make more calls to people that hate you anyway.

Pedestrian Murders

Back when I lived in CT I wouldn't see this as much. But it can be the single most annoying, yet seemingly insignificant thing a pedestrian can do. I am speaking, of course, about the Walk signal. While it definitely does have it's significance, those aren't the times that make me want to hop out of my car and strangle the person.

I understand, there are people who cannot cross the street as quickly as others. Physically disabled, older people, stoners, etc. They utilize the walk signal properly and I don't mind waiting the extra 30 seconds for them to cross.

And there are the "mean streets" of downtown Boston where rush hour pretty much mandates the need, less you want to get hit by the wonderful drivers so APTLY named Massholes.

Those aren't the people that get under my skin, no no.

As you all know, the walk signal turns all lights red for a short period of time to allow the otherwise lazy the chance to cross the road. In San Diego, they are a necessary evil. Absolutely no one jaywalks in San Diego. I swear to you, it is pretty creepy. I went there on vacation with a kid from Boston and I was visiting a kid from New York City. I think we walked in front of speeding cars more than we waited. And the homegrowns around there were completely fucking shocked. They wouldn't even follow us, normally jaywalkers will wait for other fellow criminals to begin to cross and follow suit. Not there. Instead they got nervous and looked around for cops. Because, as pathetic as it may seem, you WILL get a ticket for crossing the road without a walk signal in San Diego. For a bunch of seemingly braindead surfers and ex to current hippies, I guess I can understand the need for clear directions and a fair lane of travel to allow the foggy brains time to work. So not only were we dodging traffic, we were dodging Police and causing dismay amongst the locals.

But what happens, when you see someone hit the walk signal, and then fucking cross the road anyway? THAT, IS WHAT I HATE. If you can take the time to hit the walk signal and be a little bitch, you should be fucking stuck in your damn tracks until that little white light telling you "It's okay you big pussy, it is safe enough to cross the road now". People will instinctively run up and hit the walk button any time they come to an intersection. Then they realize, OH , no traffic, check it out! And cross the street while all the lights turn red. At that point there are clear lanes for all the vehicles to go through, and yet none can because of the stupid little bird chirping and No Turn On Red signs. They should be changed to No Turn On Red Unless Some Asshole Hit The Walk Signal And Then Proceeded Anyway signs. People are impatient enough in their vehicles, an extra 20 seconds can be the difference between life and death in our time consumed little worlds. Now everyone is stuck for some fat guy that was afraid he would become road kill so he set down the Mega Gulp on his man boobs and pressed the walk signal, only to open his fat little eyelids and realize there was no one coming IN THE FIRST PLACE! So he lumbered on, realizing no idiot would want to hit him anyway because he would wind up totaling the car anyway.

Again, I have no problem with the elderly, the blind, or the disabled using this button. But the rest of you need to grow the fuck up and learn how to cross the road. Look both ways, and fucking run like hell!

While we're on the subjects of pedestrians and the roadways, what the fuck is up with bicyclists in the city? Last time I checked, sidewalks were invented for this fucking nerds. Yes, if you ride a bike you are a nerd. I'm sorry but it's true. Only BMX can get away with it, they aren't riding for transportation or a lame form of exercise. And they aren't wearing flourescent helments and don't have orange flags flying high above.

Now, what the fuck are these people doing in the road? Disrupting traffic and getting in my way, that's what they are doing. I used to ride a bike, we all did as kids. You know how easy it is to dump one of those. And I'll be damned if some douchebag loses his balance and falls into my car, trying to get some money even if it was an accident. Fuck that! I'll throw my bitch in reverse and go back over him. That way we're all clear, shoulda been off the road. There aren't any cars on the sidewalk, unless it is an episode of Cops. So get out of my way, stop using your gay hand signals, and please, please don't pretend you are a vehicle. Because if we get in an accident, unlike Fatty McGee I spoke of before, my vehicle will always win. There is nothing worse than pulling up to an intersection and suddenly being second in line at a red light to someone on a fucking bicycle, with his hand raised up like an L. That is, nothing worse except being stuck at that red light because of a walk signal, and watching someone trot way past the intersection not being considerate to the hell he or she has just caused in my world.

Thank you.

A rose, by any other name.....

Why do girls call their vagina by such funny names?

Example: Cookie. Unless it is a hidden meaning saying, please eat the god damn thing. What kind of cookie? It doesn't even resemble a baked good normally laden with chocholate chunks, peanut butter, frosting, or the like. Cmon!!!!!!! I guess it's better than calling it a roast beef sandwich or anything it might slightly resemble though...

Example: Cooter. Seriously, what? Who even thought of this? I had to look it up, but there is an actual definition for cooter
1) cooter
n : large river turtle of the southern United States and
northern Mexico
So now a vagina is a slow moving amphibian? I guess I could see the resemblance to hiding in it's shell unless it feels comfortable....

Example: Flower. Alright, maybe if you were a virgin. Because then, you were hopefully still a young teenager, just BLOSSOMING, everything was coming into it's own and life was precious. Then it got tore up by a bunch of cock and now it looks nothing like that pretty rose it once could have been. Save the flower shit, you aren't fooling me, I know what's been in there. And bees have nothing in common with penis.

Example: Tinkerbell. Hot fairy that flies around Peter Pan, an obviously flamboyant and potentially homosexual little boy that "doesn't want to grow up". Is it all a phallic joke? You can't call it that either, that's just weird. Too many syllables, I would get lost somewhere around -er.

There are the forbidden words. No woman, unless in porn, will use the C word. The dreaded C-word. Why is it so evil? I'm missing something. I think it's funny, you know how I love the word SWUNT. So is that why porno chicks are the only ones saying it? Because every guy fantasizes about a babe telling him to fuck her cunt? That doesn't turn me on, I kinda wanna wash her mouth out with soap instead.
"How DARE you! This is over! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth??"
"No.. but I just kissed your...."

Anyway. Most other nicknames only come out in the heat of passion. Pussy, and any adjective to describe it's current state are probably the most common. But no woman outside of being turned on is likely to say that in a serious manner. And twat is just a British insult, and since I hate the Brits because their food sucks and their teeth are ugly, I will not call it a twat. And you shouldn't either. The Brits are too anal, literally.

Anyway, just a random question/thought/opinion/idea/mad rant....

Smelly smells

I was posed with a question today walking home from the bus: What body part smelling in public is the most offensive?

There is some backstory to it all, of course. There is a girl who rides the same bus that I do downtown, and she has terrible personal hygiene. Her hair looks like a fucking birds nest. And it's red. It's a mess, it's all over the place, clearly she doesn't take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to shower- which is okay for some but... make yourself look somewhat presentable. Seriously. To top it off, not only is she a GINGER, not only does she have a cardinal's nest atop her head.. you should have seen her outfit. A skirt with black leggings, go figure. AND, some weird hiking sneaker type shoe, to go with her smelly everything. In fact she is probably wearing the same underwear she did lastnight. She's the kinda girl you wind up dating and always wondering what the smell is, worried that it's you. Nope, think again.

Anyway, as I'm walking home talking about how I want to drive by and spray her with deodorant and soap and powerwash her stank ass, that question was posed, with a few options.
a) Ass
b) Feet
c) Breath
d) Armpits

Let's start with A) Ass. I can't say I can distinctly remember a time when I said, man, that ass smells terrible. Except I am a guy, and when guys get together, they fart. Normally a lot, and make a spectacle of it. So I have thought to myself
"Man, something died in his anus lastnight" or,
"I am never sharing Taco Bell with him again". But those are just spurts, that is not the actual ass reeking, but the delicious food digesting and noxious gases being produced. Though there are all times when we play around too much, basketball or the like, and we are dripping head to toe and our boxers are deep inside the very crack of our asses- even then, we just smell like a sweaty fucking mess. I'm not sure I can distinguish the smell of just a stank ass. Maybe we'll have an experiment. Likely not.

B) Feet. Now those can smell bad. But normally you won't get a good sniff of feet unless they are in your face. The beauty of stinky feet is just that. They are FEET, and we can walk on them, keeping them as far away from our nose as possible. This does not apply to the vertically challenged (trying out something P.C. for once) or animals, that apparently have a much more keen sense of smell than humans. But maybe the stronger the sense of smell, the more delicious it is. Who knows, maybe sweaty feet smell like pot roast to a dog. Anyway, they can smell, but the only time that would matter is if you are getting intimate and the feet are flying in your face, or if you get stuck sleeping head to toe with someone. Or when someone takes off their shoe and shoves it in your face, but again, mostly a male thing.

C) Breath. Now this one can be killer, and way harder to avoid. Because some people are just close talkers, and you have no choice. It is real hard to assert your personal space to someone with absolutely no understanding of the concept, especially in situations such as the workplace, or a close friend at a party or somewhere crammed (elevator). And normally, those who talk the closest, also have the stankiest breath. That or they spit a lot when speaking. Always something. Bad breath is pretty friggin bad, and the person never takes the subtle hint to chew some gum when offered. This is definitely number two on my list of stanky stanks.

D) AND THE WINNER IS- ARMPITS. Not to be biased but I can think of a few groups of people that just absolutely do not beleive in deodorant, and I have no fucking clue why. And everywhere these people go, they stink up rooms, buildings, arenas. It is absolutely disgusting, and there is no hiding it. Stinky ass is contained to a small area, stinky feet are contained to shoes and normally far away from the olfactory senses. Stinky breath is cured with eating or avoidance of nose to mouth proximity. But stinky armpits? Good luck. There is no escape. It radiates, as if the entire body can produce the smell of unwashed armpits. It is without a doubt overwhelming, and the most offensive smell the body produces continually. (Note: a fart is equally as debilitating at times but, that lasts but for a few seconds before fading. We are talking about stinks that last) There is NO getting used to this smell. And it normally travels in packs. Because, cmon, who would hang out alone with someone that reeks like that? There needs to be a small support group, a travelling stink bomb. I fucking hate people that refuse to cover up this smell. I don't give a shit if you don't believe in it, you are offending others and remember, I want to, and if drunk, might punch you in the face for being a fucking prick and not realizing it.

Being a non-smoker, there is another smell that all non-smokers join in and can agree is equally terrible, because it can rub off. That is the smell of someone who just smoked a nice big cigarette, in which they probably inhaled less than 1/3 of the thing, while their skin, clothes, and hair absorbed the rest, and absorbed it well. If you want to go around smelling like a fucking ashtray, be my guest. I don't care, I probably won't make out with you though. But if you want to smell like that shit, and then sit next to me on a fucking bus, I might push you out of the seat. Because I'll be damned if I am going to smell like that cancer you are forcing everyone else to deal with, you nasty bastard. I won't judge you for being hooked, for having yellow teeth and coughing constantly and having nasty hair and clothes- but don't drag me into your smoke filled world. It's dirty and smelly and leaves a film all over you and everything you own. Deeeeeeeelicious.

a... goodbye kiss?

Face it: some people hook up and never talk again. One night stands, whether intentional or not, happen all the time, especially in my age group. There are tons of reasons the relationship doesn't continue:
Dude is a douchebag, girl is a sloppy bitch, something smelled bad or someone farted, bad kissing, small penis, big vagina, whatever. There are thousands of reasons that can keep a relationship from going past the initial hook up, be it just kissing and cuddling or wild double penetration.

Yet, whether the person stays or not, there is always the awkward "afterwards" stage, when no one really knows what to do, and it's really uncomfortable. Especially if you have to drive the person home. What do you do? Hold hands? Who the fuck wants to hold hands with someone, and not know the other person's last name? Or anything about that person except he was good in bed but he needs deodorant. Or she did that great thing with her tongue but man did she have a gap in her teef. Yes teef. Probably the most awkward point, and my focal point of this whole scenario, is the final kiss. Some people consider kissing extremely intimate. I agree. I think kissing can tell you a lot about a person. How reserved or wild they are, skill level at certain things- I believe you can figure out almost entirely how good someone will be sexually, based solely on their kissing ability. Call me crazy, but you are thinking deep down somewhere that I am probably right.

So what's up with this last kiss? Especially seeing as it is more likely than not, a goodbye kiss. But goodbye forever. Like, "Hey, thanks for the poon you dirty hooker, but your cooter is bigger than a pint glass and smelled like it needed a couple washings. I'll talk to you never". Or, "thanks dude. I know you think you're great in bed, but you got off in about 3 minutes. I only moaned because you have huge balls and they slapped against my ass pretty hard. In fact, it was more of a pain yelp"

Is it obligatory? Do we just not know what else to do? Is that both parties, feigning interest in seeing eachother again? What is the deal with all of this! I WANT ANSWERS! Is the guy trying to be nice, and pretend he isn't a huge douchebag? Give it up, she probably used you just as much if not more than you used her. Unless she said the words "I love you" during the act. Then you should be really nervous and kiss her so you don't lose a testicle, and then change your address and fast. Or does the woman just feel bad, knowing the poor sap is probably all into her now cause she has a bangin body? Please girl, you're like the Cleveland Browns. Nice uniform, ugly helmet. He's kissing you when no one is looking.

All in all, think about it for a second. Depending on how wild a time you may have had- you actually DO know where that mouth has been. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dissection of a phrase.

It is that fateful day. What will forever be, one week before my birthday, also happens to be the anniversary of the biggest tragedy to strike American soil. Around this time is also football season, which makes a big deal out of it all. And then creeps in the story of the ex-football player turned Armed Forces, Pat Tillman. He stopped playing football to go to the Middle East and fight for his country. Unfortunately, he was killed during a mission by "friendly fire". What the fuck kind of phrase is that?

friendly fire
      n : fire that injures or kills an ally

Okay, I understand WHAT it means. He was accidentally shot either by crossfire or by someone who thought he was the enemy. That much I can comprehend.... I just want to know who tagged it with such a ridiculous name. FRIENDLY, FIRE. There is nothing FRIENDLY about bullets being shot AT, and hopefully not into, your body and/or face. I cannot think of something LESS friendly. Assume, best case scenario, the sharpshooter there misses taking off your left nut by a hair. What can he say?
"Shit, sorry bro, you suddenly looked way tanner and in need of a shave. But hey, it's cool right? Friendly fire maaaaaan. Let's get some beers and eat some goat."

I see nothing, NOTHING that could even be potentially friendly about shooting in the general direction of an ally. Nor do I understand how it seems to happen so often. I thought the first thing you were taught in a firefight is to avoid the possibility of crossfire by not standing ACROSS FROM YOUR MAN SHOOTING IN YOUR DIRECTION. But what do I know, I'm just a civilian.

Collateral Damage, at least that makes sense. That's a good way for the government to say, lightly, we bombed a bunch of bad guys but there also happened to be eighteen innocent women and children in the way. But hey, WE GOT THOSE BAD GUYS! The rest, eh, ya know, move the fuck out of the blast radius next time. Hiroshima would be a decent example where calling it "collateral damage" is a fantastic way to excuse reducing an island to rubble. Because there must have been at least six or seven people in that zone that were responsible for Pearl Harbor attacks, right?

I can think of way more things I would rather be friendly. I would rather someone Friendly Sleeps with my Girlfriend, or Friendly Feeds my dog Chocolate. I would rather someone Friendly Stabs me in the Foot. At least those give me a good chance of getting the motherfucker back with something way less friendly. In this case, not only are you losing a friend, you're losing all your damn friends. So what kind of glory is there in this phrase? Is it a better way to say "Fucked Up Fire" or "Holy Shit Oops I Hope I don't get Demoted but Damn he Always Kinda Pissed me off Anyway Fire"? What's the story here, I want details. I want it to be changed.

Ex-friendly fire. Enemy Attempted Fire. Anything but friendly, cause nothin quite says companionship LESS than armor piercing bullets flying at your dome.

Again.... what do I know?

Describe yourself.

I was recently reminded of the "elevator pitch". Suppose you have no more than 45 seconds to sell yourself to anyone that asks, what would you say? Most of you would sit there and wind up with something along these lines:
"I like to have fun and I think I am a people person".
Yawn, how thrilling.

But seriously, when did we lose touch with what we are, and what makes us unique? Granted, some of us really are just boring, run of the mill, bump in the road types. Those people will never make impacts in anyone's lives except the dog or cat they choose to feed a different type of food once a week. Now THAT is excitement.

Each one of us is on public display in some form or another. In the most basic, plenty of people have profiles, on Myspace or the like. And in the section, it asks you to describe yourself. Great, talk about a time for creativity. Completely open ended, run with it. Creativity and imagination is what can separate us. Though minds might think alike, in the end, there is always a twist to each that no one else would really have. So how can someone fuck that up, huh?

Apparently pretty easily. Take a glance at a few people, and what they have to say. I can guarantee at least half, if not more, will talk about how they are "down to earth" and "like to have fun". WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? First off, we are all down to Earth, that is just called gravity. Thank you for that explanation. And someone who has to explain his or herself as such, is probably completely nuts. If you aren't done yawning after that, move on a little. It continues on to tell you the person's name and nicknames. No one gives a shit. Your nickname could be Rabbit Testicles, it probably means absolutely nothing to a stranger, and you sure as fuck don't want a stranger calling you by a name given to you for a reason, by close peers. To be honest, I sometimes get a little weirded out when someone I don't know, never will know, sends me a message and calls me by my first name. I don't advertise it, it just happens to be everywhere.

But seriously, what are you shooting for? I'm beyond half asleep, and I know nothing about you except your body happens to follow the laws of physics and you like to have "fun". Potentially the most subjective word that could ever be used. Some people have fun getting wasted and fighting. Some like getting high and eating. Some like burning things or cutting themselves. There is no DICTIONARY definition, of what can be considered fun, that is standard across the board.

I think the real problem lies in our ability to judge ourselves. Listen, I may not know all of my faults, but I sure know a few. I used to have a temper, I think I have come a long way from those days- but hey, I'm Italian (it's called my unfair scapegoat). I also am too honest, if you couldn't tell, which has somehow these days turned into a fault. I say fuck you to anyone who still agrees with this, why are you reading my blog? But I can point those things out. No one is... "perfect" in every sense. We are all a little crazy or have our asshole tendencies or happen to be into weird kinky shit that only websites agree with. Why can nobody seem to embrace that? I like to think I keep mine interesting enough that people actually send me messages saying they laughed. Good. I'm glad I didn't say "Hi this is Tony I like lifting weights and doing my hair smelling all nice for the ladies and making out, who wants to meet me?"

The elevator pitch is a wonderful thing to think about. Assume you are riding an elevator with some big wig, and he turns and says "sell yourself to me now before my stop". How many people would panic or turn red and say something dumb along the lines of "I work hard and like to smile". Great dickhead, some slut that offered to polish his knob just got the job because she explained why she liked titty fucking over getting her masters degree. So all I ask, is we stop bullshitting about the mundane, pretentious bullshit that could be used to describe ANYONE. Dig a little, if you're asked to describe yourself... think about what could separate you from the others. Or admit you are a worthless culturally assimilating piece of obeying dog shit. Either way, at least the awkward introductions are out of the way.

Don't mess with electricity, it always wins.

I came home lastnight, really drunk. Go figure. I was alone too, my roomates were all still out and i was friggin exhausted from drinking too much. So I step into the house and all the power is out. I mean everything. Picture trying to fix this when you're hammered, alone, and your phone is dying and the only source of light you have left. Oh, and you just called your ex girlfriend that you haven't talked to in years because she was under the person's name you were actually trying to call. Excellent start.

I stumble down to the basement without killing myself, somehow, and check the circuits. They looked okay, but I (THOUGHT I) reset them all anyway to be sure. Nope no juice. Okay I'm hammered anyway guess it's bed time. No late night myspacing or pornography, very very sad drunk Dane. I fell going back up the steps also, I think twice. My shin hurts.

So this morning rolls around and some of the lights are on in the house. But not the important stuff like my AC, whatever. Now I'm pissed and cursing out the electrical company. I go downstairs, at least it's light out, but I'm hungover and can't see well. Check the circuits again, all lined up, okay whatever bedtime part deux.

Now it's getting late, half the lights are still on. I shed a tear because myspace is so far away and I start thinking about how to string extension cords to make this happen. Last trip to the circuit breaker I swear.

and then it hits me. Half the lights are on, because, genius, drunk, tired, can barely see Dane decided to flip half of the switches to the OFF POSITION. Yes, I am an idiot. Yes, it was funny, to me. And yes, NSTAR and I are about to have some makeup sex. SHOCKING, isn't it? OH, the puns. I'll never talk shit about electricity again.

The fun little phrase

It's amazing how someone can preface ANYTHING they want to say, with one little phrase, and it can all be forgive, forgotten, or overlooked. There are many variations of the phrase, but they all start the same, and it baffles me everytime someone feels he or she can get away with it.

"I don't mean to be (a)...." (bitch, asshole, complainer, smartass, rude, cynic, prick, etc.) "...but"

The complete irony in this, of course, is that you realize you are sounding and acting exactly what you are saying that you are trying NOT to be. The other person is clearly setup for what is about to come storming across. If you are coherent enough to realize that what you are about to say, just might come out in the wrong way; or be misinterpreted... would you not consider that a sign?
"Wow, this makes me sound like a burning anus, I better warn him that I am trying not to be one in the first place! Then he will take it like a compliment and we can stroll off into the sunset without his fist inside my face. "

How this ever came about, I have no clue. If you are going to be a raging bitch, just straight up be one. The English language is best at hiding the true meanings behind things said. People will hide behind this phrase and assume all is well because it comes with a disclaimer. Fuck that! You give me some and I'll throw it right back at you. Because, if you truly don't mean to be an asshole, you won't follow it up with the tone and manner of saying what you are about to say. Imagine if this worked in all situations, how easy life would be.
"Hey boss, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a fucking douchebag. Yeah man, you piss me off and when I go home I pray that you die a horrible death and your cunt of a wife marries me so I can have sex with her out of spite and pee on her when I'm done. R KELLY BEYOTCH. But, again, man who pays me, I'm not trying to be rude.... I just had to explain myself."

Wouldn't that just be great! Or my personal potential favorite
"Hunny, I'm not trying to be picky, but that shirt really makes your titties look smaller than they are. And I really would rather my friends not call me out on being part of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee when you aren't around. So, again, not to be picky, but here are a couple tubesocks." That or anything related to how a skirt makes her look fat or extremely slutty.

But hey, as long as you say the disclaimer! The other party is forced, against his or her will, to waive all rights to being pissed off and punching you in the God damn mouth. Cause after all, it isn't that you are trying to be an asshole, no way. You just want him to know he is terrible in bed but you're okay with it because he still has money. And you have another boyfriend for the places he cannot fill you properly.

And I wonder, do they say something like that in other cultures, within America even?
Hey Paco, I'm not trying to be a dick, but your car is fucking a fucking SPIVIC. Thanks for helping to keep the Mexican stereotype alive. The plastic spinners you bought at Walmart aren't working either. And you might want to take off the Mexican flag seat covers, I don't think it adds value to your '89. And lastly, how do you fit all 12 of your children in that thing when you bring them to sell Chiclets on the corner? Anyway, again, I'm not trying to be a dick. Later Paco!

Me? Random? No shit.

It sucks to be a male insect sometimes.
For example- a male mosquito. Talk about only being around to make babies. Your wife gets to go around each night finding sweet delicious humans to munch on while you sit at home worried sick that maybe she got swatted by a fatty. How useless. You think he doesn't get bored sometimes? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality and women making the bread, or well.. blood too. But good luck asking her if he can go do the sucking one night- she makes him look like a little bitch! And I've always wondered.... if a mosquito sucks down on a Chinese person... does she get hungry an hour later? I won't even get into being a male Praying Mantis. Though on further studying into the subject, it appears only a FEW of the 180 species will eat their mates after sex. The ultimate Russian Roulette.

Question- why are people in Africa keeping hyenas as pets? That's just weird. THEY EAT PEOPLE. How the hell are you going to keep a pet that can fucking DOMINATE your sorry ass? If you tell it no, and it wants to, it will just swallow your god damn leg whole like an eggroll. Then what? I understand the whole fearsome aspect, but come on! I will never have a pet that is bigger than I am. I watched some show called Outrageous the other day, and this dude had pulled over on the side of some farm to take a shit. Guess what, a horny donkey saw this dude spread eagle and got an idea. Good luck telling a horny donkey no. Better luck walking for the next month and a half. So I'll stick to fish and maybe a turtle, at least I could outrun that bitch in my sleep.

How about a little news of the incredibly weird. This guy in Illinois (no story can start out good in Illinois, outside of maybe Chicago) was arguing with his girlfriend in POLAND. Problem number one- talk about long distance. Problem number two- we're talking about Polaks. So go figure, a girlfriend halfway across the world and there's an argument- I wonder if it's because she is sleeping with the whole town over there, and maybe even the goats? So instead of being a rational human being, he decides to take it out on random cars on the road. The cops were called, go figure. Then he breaks into a house and starts smashing shit, but most importantly, himself. He comes out bloody and NAKED and throws knives at the cops. But that's not all- he throws his OWN SEVERED PENIS. Read that again- this dude was angry that his girlfriend's in Poland, and he can't get laid, so he cuts it off and throws it at the cops. Genius. Cause hey, if you don't use it- you lose it... right?

Listen ladies, we might argue from time to time, and I love to hate you. But never, ever, would I spare the whole being of my manhood over you, me, the Patriots losing the Superbowl, ANYTHING. What good are we as men without our penii? (Yes, I made up my own plural) I want that thing working until I croak. The day I am going out, I want to request that the nurse unbuttons her shirt a little and hike up her skirt so I can die erect. Talk about a way to go, staring at some boobies and thinking about the same thing that helped birth you- just not on your mom. I understand people talking about strength from within after a tragic accident leaving one paralyzed or blind or somehow else handicapped- but I just can't live without my penis. He is my right hand man. Or my right hand is his woman. Something like that. Anyway, the dude got his penis reattached. They should have just left it off.

So.... do you think his girlfriend stayed with him?

Bumper Stickers

Random and wonderful. Inspired by a new book I am reading my George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty. If you are even a remote fan of his, please go get the book- it is HILARIOUS. If you like any of the weird, random shit I write- you would probably enjoy his book as well. Ok George, did I suck your balls hard enough for that sponsorship money now?

Anyway, bumper stickers. Amusing, disgusting, worthless. My personal favorites, are those with political bullshit strewn across them. People still have bumper stickers that says "BUSH FOR PRESIDENT 92". Come on now. Unlike bell bottoms, that "trend" cannot come back and be cool. There is no such thing as retro when you have a sticker on your bumper advertising a President you voted for. You are a loser. Plus everyone knows those tightwad conservatives would never place something on their car that could devalue it, or cause it to be less aesthetically pleasing. Remember, it's about the appearance! They also would not be driving 92 Sentras... but hey, I digress. Stupid poser Republicans.

Something else that irks me- the Sunoco bumper stickers. I'm sorry but a gas station, is a fucking gas station. We all need them, and more often than not will go to the closest one when we are in need of gas. We all know about the cheap corner bodega gas mart that is 3 cents cheaper than everywhere else, but do you really want that shit in your tank? I've seen it come out in powder form. The homeless won't even ask you for change at those gas stations, because they know you can't spare any! They're so ghetto instead of a computer with a running tally there's a man next you to counting out how much you owe. "FOURTY-FIVE OH ONE"
SON OF A BITCH! I wanted it at an even dollar.
But seriously, you get discount oil changes for keeping this ugly, square, Sunoco bumper sticker on your car. It will not blend in with your vehicle, it will not make it look cooler. But I'm wondering what the execs up at Sunoco were thinking- hmm, we really need to establish ourselves as a cornerstone in the market.... we should advertise on bumpers!
Like seeing that sticker will make me want Sunoco. You don't see Pepsi advertising on bumpers- nah, they use whole cars! Way more effective. If someone has a McDonalds bumper sticker, and someone else had a Burger King bumper sticker... do you think they would try to crash into eachother? "TAKE THIS YOU KING SIZE LOSER"

Anyway, bumper stickers are lame, if I didn't make my point yet. It is a way for dejected emo fatties to display their love for fairies and being crazy- fantastic, it really brings out the shine in your 87 Taurus. If you want attention, cut yourself and whine about it. Or get a Myspace account and pretend you are just on there "because everyone else is and my friends totally made me do it".

Then there are the parents who proudly display that their child is an honor roll student at Retard Elementary in Dumbfuck, New Mexico. Give me a GOD DAMN BREAK! You could drink your own urine, snort glue until it started to actually feel good, sleep through every class, pick your nose through recess, and still make honor roll. Guess what parents? IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. And that same little bastard is going to fail through high school because alcohol and sex is discovered and cost you 25K a year for some out of state institution where more of the aforementioned sinning will occur, and then where is the bumper sticker? Sucker.
But the funniest bumper sticker I have ever seen is a play on this.
"I had sex with your honor roll student" from Generic School USA. Just pure fucking gold. I could see Matthew McConaughey rollin around in that piece right now, pack of butts rolled up in his sleeve.

Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy.

The homeless

Question: What's more fun than a spur of the moment blog?
Answer: A million dollars? Three naked women willing to do your bidding? How about a cheesecake. Hell finding a dollar on the ground is even more fun. I don't give a shit where that dollar has been, it's mine now bitch.

Anyway, hi people. I saw this on the bus ride home today and it got me thinking. Actually I'm full of shit I was falling asleep the whole ride home and barely thought about anything but the strippers passing through my mind. But still, I'm sure I had a moment of clarity at some point.

I saw a man, a black man- not that the race really matters in this case, at a bus stop. He was walking with a sort of limp, but wearing a Boston Celtics t-shirt cause even bums have pride in their respective cities. Anyway I'm pretty sure he wanted money, shit at least some chump change. The bus stop also happens to be in Chinatown. I'm sure none of this matters but he happened to walk up to an Asian, more likely Asian American (This PC bullshit is starting to itch) and probably said "Hey douchebag you can afford all those sweet electronics, drop a c-note on me would ya? I need some blow and a cheap hooker!" Sometimes they are honest, often not. Clean and sober, sure you are. So anyway, this guy would not even look the homeless man in the face. He didn't even respond, just did everything in his power to look the other way and pretend he only spoke Chinese or something ridiculous. And I had to wonder, at what point did that other guy become less than a man. It was as if it were a stray cat begging for some food and shelter from the cheap restaurants. How fucking cruel can we be? Who knows what that guy went through to get where he is- maybe he never has even had a place to call home. For all this little prick knows, he could have been an orphan, living the streets his whole life. And yet somehow that warrants less than EYE contact as appropriate? Appauling.

I handle the homeless much better. Take my situation the other week. Guy comes up to me while I'm standing at the ATM, and asks if he can have a few bucks. The irony, ATMs only dispense $20, rarely $10 at a time. And I might be generous, sometimes, but no way this guy was getting more than a couple bucks off me. So I turn to him, wondering if he's joking, but he wasn't. He looked like the chief from Rescue Me, which made things more interesting. Dressed like any other person you would see on the street didn't smell too terrible- but was very blunt. "C'mon man, I just want to get a beer" he says.... it's NOON! I have had my days but this was a MONDAY! "Buddy, I'm at an ATM, you think I have any cash?" "Cmon, just a couple bucks" he responds. For whatever reason, the ATM was out of service. He keeps trying though. "Hey the Red Sox are winning!" I'm still being nice at this point, though I had little reason to be, apparently. "Uh, actually, they're playing at 7pm tonight" I figured the only other thing two complete strangers, one probably half drunk, one kinda jealous, could talk about at this point.... was the weather? No, he keeps going.
"Well, there's an ATM just a block down, c'mon I'll walk with you"
At that point I was a little insulted, yet A for effort, and walked away in the other direction. Point is, I didn't spit on him, I didn't completely ignore him, I said my piece and told him no. I treated him like a man, a drunk or at least desperately seeking drunk man, but still, I did not shed him of what dignity he may have had left. To avoid even eye contact with someone is a huge insult. So next time you see a bum, strike up a conversation. Just try to stay downwind.

Without...

Why do the strong always prey on the weak? Is it just our animal instinct?
Dane what the fuck are you talking about? Let's check it out.
Without having a diverse range of people fitting into every category, there would be no extremes in the first place. Without semi decent looking men and women there would be no supermodels. Without the lower middle class there would be no upper class- though that could spawn a whole converastion on Communism and what it attempts and fails at.

The way I see it, we all have a purpose. Without getting all specific into logotherapy and lulling you to sleep, it is a major thought that the reason man strives and survives is to find the reason for being, the meaning for life. And depending on what you believe in, as far as the evolution of man, some people might just fit in, in order to help out others. No? If you honestly believe God put man on this Earth, which you are entitled to in your rubber, padded room. But honestly, if you believe that... don't you think maybe somewhere along the way he had a sense of humor? Don't you think it is possible, one day, that he though to himself...
"hmmm... white trash, that's a terrific idea. they make everyone look better!" and poof, the mullet came and boy, did it conquer.

But seriously, sometimes people have a purpose, they aren't always completely shit on. You often find the "nerds" are nerds because they believe studying is more important than intercourse. Those same nerds would have lots of trouble obtaining this intercourse as well, often times, because it is not as easy as putting in the code to lose your virginity in the latest video game. But seriously, they have dedicated themselves to the thrilling life of spelling bees, sudoku, and a severely depleted social life. And sometimes, it pays off. Bill Gates, for example. That man could taste 99% of the poon on the planet. He could have a poon buffet if he wanted, take an advertisement out, in fact, buy a newspaper and make the entire thing a huge add for his million dollar poon buffet, and women from across the world would line up and spread eagle for him. Because he is gorgeous? Probably not. My point exactly. Those that avoid it, and focus their efforts, and really do well for themselves, will come full circle.

But not everyone does. Which leads me to my actual point. Did I just shoot down my argument before presenting it? Whatever, it's been a long week and a half, and when the hell did it turn Friday? Anyway.
Without the ugly there cannot be the beautiful.
Without the fat, there is no skinny.
You get the idea, I don't need to go on. But think about if everyone were just the same. No one stood out, no one had more than others, we were just kinda all.... there. A life without bragging about the 10 that you bagged at the bar that blew you by a dumpster and then.... she had a penis (bet you leave out that last part) Or the poor person you laughed at driving by in a 83 Mazda with the words MAZDA across the windshield as you cruise in your 04 Audi S4 and hit a baby crossing the road because you were too busy laughing.
A world without extremes, is a bland bland world. Like those groups of guys that all get blowouts and rock pink, popped collar shirts out to the same bar with European hand bags and more hair gel than the entire state of Idaho has ever seen. Can anyone think of something Idaho does besides potatoes? Is Idaho still even a state? I think it should merge with Montana, the Dakotas, and Iowa, and they can just call themselves "Land".

Prince Charming.

Charm and confidence, and why they get you everywhere in life.

It’s true, try it sometime. Smile too much and people start to ask questions. The problem is that there is too much pessimism in this world. Sure, there are wars going on, people starving, global warming- WHATEVER. If you let shit like that affect your personal life, you should probably be in the Peace Corps and/or Greenpeace. If you aren’t, and if you don’t plan on joining- give up and be happy, look on the bright side for once. People call me a sweet talker, or even a schmoozer, man I hate that word. Car salesman are schmoozers, they don’t care what they say, as long as they make a sale. I on the other hand, try to make people smile because it is contagious. Especially in my job, I am dealing with people who just got in car accidents. Imagine the demeanor of the people not at fault; and that’s something I have to work past? It’s not easy, but I have a skill. Charm, it must be an Italian thing naturally, my Pops taught me well. Charm will get you lots and lots of places, but it’s hard to be charming without having confidence to back it up. Believe in yourself, that’s most important. Once you believe in yourself, you can believe in everything you say. Don’t lie, that isn’t part of charm, that’s not even schmoozing; that’s just sleazy. And most people also come with a pre-installed bullshit detector. While there may be a thin line between charm and sleaze, it isn’t too hard to tell if people are being genuine, or just blowing smoke up your ass and hoping they benefit. There is also a very, very thin line between confidence and cockiness. VERY THIN, believe me, it is a line I walk constantly. The other problem with this, is that it is way harder to tell the difference between the two. If I had a penny for everytime I was called cocky, I would have thousands of pennies. And if I had a penny for every cliché I write, I would have at least a few pennies. It is easily misconceived that my confidence is cocky, because I am also a master of sarcasm. So much so, it can be undetectable; a gift and a curse, I tell you. There goes another penny. My explanation of confident vs. cocky is as follows: a confident person will say “thank you” when you say he or she is the best. It is considered a compliment. A cocky person will say “I know” when you say the same. It is something he or she has already verified and probably says on a daily basis. There is nothing wrong with being extra confident, if you have a reason. Hell, even if you don’t, fake it until you make it. One more penny, thank you. But there is nothing worse than being cocky, except being cocky and sleazy. If you want something to ground you, always remember, no matter how good you are at any one thing, or any group of things, there is definitely someone out there that is way better. Probably a few someones, actually. Don’t let that get you down, use it as motivation, but also a way to keep your damn ego in check. Though I think I am the best thumb wrestler in the entire world, I am sure there is someone deep in Malaysia that has 2 thumbs on one hand with 13 joints that makes a living off kicking everyone’s ass in a thumb war. And I await the day I can meet this man, but until then, I will just have to keep training.

Wasn’t I supposed to have a point? Learn the boundaries between these aforementioned qualities, and use them to your advantage. On a daily basis, damnit. Make people smile, make people laugh, make people like you, and it will always pay off in the long run. Because you never know who does what and how it could come along in your life, somehow randomly. It’s always better to have someone like you, than to have them hate you. And it is way better to make someone like you than to convince someone to stop hating you. Confidence is the only way to get a job, even one you may be under-qualified for. Confidence and charm will help you get a date with someone, probably out of “your league”. Try it out, I guarantee immediate results. Because the more you walk around with your head held high, smiling, the more people wonder why. And the curiosity will help you to no end.