Allow me to explain.

If you know me, at all, you should know by now- I am a sucker for a pretty girl. I'll let you in on a few more secrets.

1) I wear my heart on my sleeve- not sure why. And it's not that I fall in love easily, believe me. But I do fall in like pretty easily. Hey we all get lonely sometimes, maybe it has just been so long since I was in a fun, meaningful relationship, that I never really stop searching. Or because I am such a random complex person, I can find ways to relate to practically anyone, and that interests me more. I'm not exactly sure, and I'm not exactly happy, but that is my life. And I will probably continue to live that way for a while.
2) I just put in my transfer request. That's right people, I'm upp'n out of Connecticut as soon as humanly possible. As wonderful and beautiful as this shithole stuckup state may be, Boston is calling. Just know I will never, ever, ever, be a Sawks fan. Eff that ish. Patriots, sure, I love you, even if you have no team anymore, but baseball season I'll just have to hibernate. It's a necessary change in my life. With my true friends, from college, in a fun place, where I need to be to further myself as a person. Boston has things to do, lots of people to network with, and is probably a much better place for me to be mentally. Especially when I am trying to hunker down and keep this blog thing growing, and work on a book at the same time. I need the proper support, and environment to get that all done. This just isn't the place.
3) Back to women. I realized I am probably the best ever at two week relationships. I mean, honestly, I might be the King of them, assuming one could be born into such royalty (thanks Dad!) Maybe we can stretch it out a month.... but probably not. After that it normally crumbles like an oreo left in the milk for too long. WHY? If I knew, I would probably fix that. It just seems like everyone I wind up being with, is at a different stage in their life, and it just won't work in the short term. In the long term, everyone is after the same basic things, or at least you hope... but the short term is what makes the difference. Maybe it all could be, that the perfect woman for me, just happens to be overseas.....and I am subconsciously sabotaging each sad excuse for a relationship I jump into, so that she becomes my one, my best choice. Who knows, whooooo knows. Do I believe certain people are meant for eachother, do I think certain people compliment eachother so well, that it's as if they should only be with one another? Yes. Do I believe in fate? No, ew. If I believed in fate, that would be like saying everything I have ever accomplished in life has been predetermined. Gross, who wants that? I'm no puppet, damnit. I guess I'm picky. I eat well, I love all types of food, I am big into exercise and health (minus the whole binge drinking on the weekends, but hey, shutup!) I like to joke around, be sarcastic as much as possible. I live a simple life, but it's a satisfying life.




Man, look at this sappy shit. Slap me, someone. I sound way too sad. Trust me, I might be the happiest, most optomistic person you have ever met. I just want to explain why I say some harsh things sometimes about women. I don't even get hurt, I almost expect it to happen. But it doesn't mean I can't be bitter and shove it back in someone's face when it happens, know what I mean?

Guest post, from an angry female.

I don't need to hog all the spotlight here people. I received a very evil, angry message, not directed at me, about men and their current trends in fashion. So much so, rather than try to post about it on my own, I am letting her become my




drumroll please

FIRST GUEST POST- wahoooooooooooooooooo
champagne and confetti everywhere.
==========================================================

I really think we need to find a way to wipe out all the guido's on this planet!
I went out last night and as i was waiting to get in (not on line of course.. haha) there were these two.. well.. GUIDO'S in front of me. With the orange tan, armani exchange shirts, and Sonic hair-do's. How do they see themselves the least bit presentable? Their clones eventually came (some shorter, some skinnier, fatter, some balding - yet STILL managed that Sonic do, and some with different armani logo's) and it took me a minute to take it all in b/c i never thought i would ever see the worst of them. Under the light, it looked as if they dusted their houses with their hair and one even had this white fuzz-thing going on on his ear from the excessive use of hairspray! DIIIIIIIIISGUSTING!!!
I almost don't mind the mullet/mohawk do's that are all over europe compared to these guys! It's a damn shame!
So I guess my question is.. why would anybody EVER want that guido look? It was played out 10 years ago and do they even know how badly they're made fun of? In fact, I don't even remember when it was cool.. i guess i'm too young! Which is my point exactly.. There's a whole site dedicated to them! (i forgot the name of it)
Ooohh Dane, this all comes down to what you hate most.. people trying sooo hard to fit in when we're born to stand out!
My favorite also are the "True Life: I'm on Steroids" guys. That same night there was this 4'2" juiced up armani shirt-wearing faggot that was hopping around flexing his arms and doing some sort of chicken dance! He thought he was soooooo cool! If I had the chance to tell him he wasn't.. ohh i would have!
Can you think of a way to wipe them out? Maybe posting that site everywhere will do the trick? OHH!! I think we should tar and feather them.. haha

Nice talking to you.
Mindy

P.S. i could have mentioned the idiotic girls out there.. but i really need to go to bed!
=========================================

Of course I need to add my own thoughts.
#1- this ends "Nice talking to you." Kinda funny if you think about it, since it wasn't a conversation, it really was just, her, talking, to me.
#2- short guys with muscles. First off, it is easier to build muscle mass with a shorter physique. Plus, those poor bastards have to make up for being vertically challenged somehow- their whole lives they spend in a veritable Napoleon-like state, it's an evil, bitter world. Women over 5'7" will probably continue to pass on by, and that just happens to be the more beautiful women in this world. So I can't blame them for trying to attract attention, whether it be with muscles, or belligerance.
-note: the same can be said of men balding in their 20s. They don't want to accept it for the most part, and those who opt not to just shave it off, need to attract attention away from their thinning hair and receding hairline. Na'mean?
#3 I blame some of you ladies for this guido thing. It's amazing how many of you are into that Gotti bullshit- those fucking guys are as smart as a rock on dope. They have inherited money, super, they will be broke in their 40s. And the fucking hair, my fucking god, you must be fucking kidding me. They take longer to get ready than you do, they look like fucking dolls- how much makeup do you honestly think they wear? Case in point, men will dress this way only because some women are really, really, into it. And it makes me want to vomit.

Thank you.

Horrible excuses for hip hop.

A few months ago, in New Haven, was the best hip hop show I think I could ever see. Jean Grae, Pharoahe Monch, Mos Def & Talib Kweli (with a random guest appearance from M.O.P, not sure how that fit in, but whatever, that one song made the whole place shake). I have realized since then, that good, real hip hop, is dying, is close to dead. All this bullshit you hear on the radio, see on those joke stations MTV1-37, is a bunch of crap. Mainstream, pop bullshit that sell-out artists are making because the average 15 year old white kid will buy it. For example, Eminem used to be a great great rapper. He had dope rhymes, the beats were new and unheard, and he didn't try to sing like a bitch. Then he realized to market himself, he had to sell out. And he did. Same for most rappers. What happened to Snoop Dogg? He used to be hard, a gangsta, he was amazing. His flow to die for. Then he joined No Limit and christ, the rest is history. 50 cent is quickly turning that route. What the fuck is that song "Best Friend" all about? What a bitch! Seriously. Listen to his old, grimey raps. Listen to "How To Rob", his first popular song. He is already a sell out, I don't know who I'm kidding. The only thing keeping him real, at all, is Young Buck, who happens to have the best flow and voice of the group.

I guess my problem is that I'm running out of music to listen to. I started loving this after seeing WuTang in concert with Rage Against the Machine. From there, I was a hip hop head. I went out and bought Biggie and Tupac right away, and fell in love. Granted, there are higher reasons I can no longer count on them (even if a mixtape comes out every 12 days) but there was hope. There was De La Soul, and Pharcyde. Eric B and Rakim. They were all before my time, but they are timeless. Then came the new school, the aforementioned Blackstar, and the "underground" artists. These guys are well known, but not mainstream, so they will never be as popular as these bullshit artists like the Ying Yang Twins. Real hip hop, the Roots, who put on one of the best live shows I've ever seen. Jurassic 5, same to them. Most people on the east coast don't even know who they are. And it's sad. To see people driving around in their 95 Civics with 19 inch rims and a bumble bee exhaust, pumping the bass heavy dirty south terrible excuse for even a rhyme music. That shit makes me sick. Wake the fuck up, enjoy that which is good, for that is no good. If you are dying for good hip hop, I do my research, I know a thing or two, and I jump at any chance I can to find a new album by these guys. Because the bullshit comin out these days, is killing any hope of hip hop ever being big. And it's sad.

Follow up, senor.

I couldn't post at 2am because I was, as I was afraid of, passed out drunk on my couch. Yes, I am officially an old man as well. It's not that I can't hang, I haven't lost that ability, as San Diego proved well, it's my schedule in life. Working on Saturday from 8-5 kills me. Straight up. I want nothing to do but go home and go to sleep, unfortunately, not always a good option.
Let's take lastnight.
There is a good friend, an old friend, visiting back from his college in Arizona. So, naturally, that means we are going to drink ourselves stupid. The other bright side is that he is as much of a video game nerd as I am, so we get to play video games, drink, and be nerds, drunk. This also means we have to overstock booze, invite absolutely zero girls over, and bust out our ninja skills, on the big screen.
Another problem is, I started to get tired at like 10pm. Yes, I am now a grandpa. I will start rising at dawn and eating dinner at three.
For those of you that are compulsive away message checkers, there were 1 of 2 options for 2am lastnight. One was that I was totally rocking out and being famous and ladies were going to be hanging off of me and man, it would be hot. The other option was that I passed out on my couch drunk and my friends leave me and I wake up at 5 and there are some weird cartoons on and I check my pants to make sure I didn't piss myself and, good, I didn't. That I call option b. Saturday nights are normally option b.


But alas, let's start the show.
Immigrants, refusing to conform. Much more commonplace these days. Think back to everything you learned about Ellis Island. Though many ethnicities would congregate in order to feel safe, more at home, they were almost desperate to learn English. You do not see the same urgency these days, because we almost do not require it the same. Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of non-English speakers coming to this country each day that want nothing more than to learn the language and "live the dream". But with that, there are also plenty that will not learn the language because they just don't think they have to, or they are beyond an age where they feel like they would be able to learn a language, or they just straight up hate crackers. And we cannot necessarily blame them. Though things have tightened up since 9/11, people are still finding ways to flock to our country in the masses, more illegally than legally. And those who come here illegally are not always here to stay. Some have a noble cause, to make some money to send back to their poor families, and then bounce back to Central America and live like kings for a while. Others will wind up staying, but have their barrio to make them feel comfortable not knowing the language, because few if any surrounding them will know it as well. The other thing here is that we as a country have made so many things multilingual that it is easier for them to access whatever they want in their native tongue. Think about it, every time you call a big company, there is the option to OPRIMA EL NUMERO DOS. Working for car insurance, if someone wants to speak to me in Mandarin, I dial a number and hit 2. I even have people call me up, speak to me in perfect English, but if they want to yell at me for something, will ask for a Spanish translator, because they can yell way faster and louder. I forget if I had a point anymore. Anywho, just my thoughts....

My life, the soap opera

Sometimes I wish I could recreate my life as a soap opera. Even the mundane tasks such as driving to work (I do sign in the car, that would be entertaining). Of course, a large breasted beautiful Latina woman would get to fill the role of myself. And seeing as I am topless most of the time, she will just have to get used to the character. That is the core of acting, to become that which you portray. That and she would have to have a ton of pillow fights/jello wrestling/basically, any excuse for her to be giggling and playing with another woman in a sensual situation.

That, and I would go out of my way to get Bumble Bee Man from the Simpsons. He is pure gold, baby.

I think I would call it "Danes of our Lives" Because, at least 2 of you think that's funny. And for the 300 others confused right now, it's okay. I told you huffing glue would catch up to you someday. Now wipe that drool off your chin.

There also would have to be a lot of gun fights. I, of course, do not need a gun, for I am ninja. But to stealthily kill everyone would take me like .2 seconds and that doesn't make for great tv. That, and the recoil on the gun would make my Latina breasts bounce.

Speaking of ninja, I must warn you people, all this talk about Chuck Norris is going to cause a war. Apparently, drunk in San Diego, we wouldn't stop talking about Chuck Norris. It's true, of course, that the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris nightly before bed. I wouldn't blame him. So my friend bought a carnation because he is into low-budget roses that semi-bums will attempt to peddle when they see drunk people stumbling and attempting to get ass, while most likely they will end up in a pool of their own [fill in appropriate bodily fluid] So my buddy, he buys this overpriced weed and is trying to give it to a girl. But no, Chuck Norris wouldn't let someone be so ghetto, or so lame. I was one with Mr Norris, he spoke to me through God. I struck down upon that flower with the most accurate, fastest judo chop one has ever seen (though it was merely a blur to the naked eye). And let me tell you, that flower turned bitch and split like wet pine. I then proceeded to snag the sharpened stem out of the air and stab my other friend in the dome with it. Point is, Chuck Norris causes weapons of mass destruction, be careful with your overly liberal use of his name in attempts at humor. Because kids, no one that loses an eye, is laughing with you.

Sex.

18+ :)
haha, really though, this could get graphic, so bring your adult and quit giggling at the word penis and vagina.

By request, what I think makes good sex.
And misconceptions of good sex, and all things sexual. Including kissing.

ALWAYS start with kissing. Hot, passionate kissing. There is a fine line however. Make sure you are not swallowing the other person's face, or using a little too much tongue action. Guys (and unfortunately, some girls) be sure you aren't scraping up your lover's face too much with your stubble. 10 minutes of kissing with no attacking the genitals should be ideal. Get the ideas and juices flowing.

I'll proceed to attacking the oral sex, the whole foreplay thing can be skipped because it is not always necessary. Feel eachother out. If she likes a little tickling and teasing (which they all do, throw some in before jumping into anything else. Remember the old cliche, it really is about warming the oven up. And trust me, you'll know when she hits 400 degrees). And ladies, sometimes the guy wants a little teasing too, we aren't always just wanting to throw it in. Both men and women are normally clueless about what it takes. And oral is not necessary every time. Sometimes there are time constraints. Other times you are both so god damn riled up from whatever that it is warranted to tear clothes off and go at it before you even hit a bed. But alas.....

Ladies- it is not a popsicle. I don't care what you've heard, licking around it does absolutely nothing. N O T H I N G. Let me drop some knowledge. The most nerve endings are located in the bulbous head at the top there. So, use those brains, and some deduction, and figure out what the best spot to attack is. And do not forget, you have hands to assist, and boy, can they assist. Most men will twitch a little if you put your hand anywhere near their ass, mostly because if we aren't comfortable with that we get a creepy scary thought of something gay, so we twitch. But these same guys will have no problem with you and a little ball fondling, believe me. That makes for great dome.

Now men, do you even perform oral sex? It seems to be a lost art. I personally have a crush on it, but I've heard time and time again that guys are either not into it or rarely will attempt a little carpet cleaning. BAD IDEA. My only question, women, is why do you NOT like it? I've heard from more than a few that they do not like it when a guy does that, or it does nothing to them. First off, get rid of your damn insecurities. You have a wonderful vagina and it tastes like candy, okay? Secondly, find a guy who knows what the hell he is doing. If that isn't an option, help him around a little. Tell him where you like it best, and how you want it done. Sometimes we are just a lost as you are without directions. Do it until your tongue hurts or she is begging for a little penetration. Speaking of, throw a finger in, why not, it's only going to help you in the long run, because chances are you keep missing her clitoris by a 1/3 inch and she wants to punch you anyway. Keep it up, she will thank you for it right after. And seriously, stop the alphabet thing, or focusing on just one spot. You do not want that thing sore before you even get to do more. That rhymes. Write it down.

NOW, sex. Mmmmm. There is a time and place for a hot quickie, and you will know, because she will more or less tell you. And if you can't pick up on visual or auditory clues, and you aren't blind or deaf, you should probably stop having sex, forever.
Ideal time? Depends on the situation. Can be as little as twenty minutes, or as long as 45, an hour if warranted. Slow passionate love making has it's time and place, but getting rough and speeding up will help move things along when she's about to burst. Try me. Though ladies, unfortunately, making him go faster will also make him GO faster, know what I mean? Some guys unfortunately think missionary is best, and will continue in only that position. Sigh. Ladies, stop moaning, slap him, tell him to flip you over already! Hint fellas, it's not that great, unless you do it right. In that position, your penis is entering at a terrible angle and missing her clitoris. Remember, that thing is key to her wanting you again. What to do, you ask? Grab a pillow, put it under her hips. Even a hand under the ass and lifting it up can make a world of difference. Again, don't believe me? Try it, you'll HEAR a difference.

Which positions are best? For a guy, doggystyle is normally refreshing after the usual missionary. Just so happens men, it makes you feel better to the ladies as well. So doggy away, but do not neglect her, as it is the least personal position that there can be. And she doesn't like that, because she probably wants to kiss you, or grab you, or at least look at you and make sure you are enjoying it. So give a little reach around, lean down and kiss her back, tell her shes beautiful and how great it feels. Watch the hair tugging, don't want to hurt her! A little tug is okay but make sure she's into it or you might wind up with blue balls. And try something fun out, have her put her legs together. Again, you will notice a difference.

And when she's on top, let her do the work, at least for a little while. Two reasons
1) she knows what she is doing, better than you, and will work it to her advantage. So let her, stop trying to thrust like a moron, cause it won't work with her hip motions.
2) you're probably wheezing as it is, it is kinda like a break so you can store up some of that energy for when she gets off and is bored but wants more and in a new position.

Speaking of positions, try to mix it up. Please don't only have missionary, doggy, and her on top as your repertoire. Sure, most of you are done before you even get one of those going, but see what else you can do. Use her legs, move them in different directions. Lift them, put them to the side, discover your own positions. Cause truth is, most of those positions in porn are just so that you can see the genitals, not because it is really making her moan like that.

Oh and lastly, lasting forever is not always better for her. Remember, she is not as big as you are (hopefully) and can bruise and/or get sore. Cause you probably have her legs spread wide open the whole time like an idiot anyway. Get her off, at least once, but if it's going for more than an hour cause you're drunk, and probably half hard at that point, and she's kinda only moaning to get you off (you can tell, you sweaty mess) just get it done. She'll be happier in the morning when you roll over for more, and actually want it.

I may be wrong, I may be right. These don't all work for everyone, but I would say that is a decent synopsis of having better or at least more successful sex. Or keep letting her fake it and keep licking around his penis and wonder why he fell asleep before you even got him hard.

Why planes are irritating.

Hopefully most of you are somewhat current as far as transportation is concerned, and you take flights to different places. Then you will have a slight understanding of what I have to say. Getting to the airport is never fun. If you want to drive there you are stuck paying out the ass for PARKING. PARKING YOUR CAR!
I was thinking about that today. Suppose the airport were really really nice, and only charged 10 bucks a day for long term parking.
Multiply that by 500 spots, for example, filled every day of the year. Carry the one, save the spot for 0, grab your abacus, ask an Asian


That is a lot of fucking money. And they can charge whatever they want, and they know people will have to pay. Rat bastards.

So I stick it to the man by arranging my own transportation. But then I always wind up sticking it to myself. Finding a ride to the train station is never the problem. It's finding a ride home. And better yet, traversing NYC with only a faint idea of the subway system and carrying my luggage. Like I said, normally, the ride back is non existent or last minute stress scramble. Such as posting your phone number on a message board and begging people to call you. That's pretty desperate, and also asking for lots of calls from Private numbers or Restricted numbers, you sketchy bastards!

Next comes the seating. I have no problem with security or anything else going on in there before I get to the plane. More power to this country for keeping strict guidelines, even if getting half naked and redressing each time is a bitch, at least I haven't blown up.
Normally I will fly with one other person. At times there are 2, 3, 4 more, but unless you book 5 months in advance, it is nearly impossible to even find 3 seats in a row. And what does that mean? Stranger. And normally the worst case ever. The habitual bathroom user, complainer, snorer, arm rest hog. Cell phone talker, window shade abusing, A/C and light hater or lover, etc. The list can go on forever. But chances are the person you don't know, squished all up on your ass for the next 5 hours, is going to smell or drool or hate you or hate life. So snuggle up.
This happened on my plane ride home today. The other fun part is to guess which person you will be stuck with before you even get on the plane. Then if you rush to your seat you can sit down and play the same game. It's all in the eyes people, look at where they are staring and you will know.
So I get stuck next to a large woman. She was quiet, at first. No obnoxious cell phone conversations, and she didn't get up once the entire time. I was impressed. Almost as impressed as I was with the Rabbi who flew out and sat next to my buddy. This guy sucked down 2 cokes, a tomato juice (yes he ordered them at the same time) and 2 waters, and did not even flinch. 6 hours, no pee. THAT, is skill. Why he brought a trash bag full of empty cans on the airplane, I cannot answer. But his bladder is a sponge. Shalom.
Back to the quiet girl. I got scared when she began clipping her finger nails. Let's be serious, that is absolutely disgusting. What if one landed on me or took out an eye or something? Uncool. Then she fell asleep, phew, thank God. Ironically and stereotypically enough, watching the TV Food Network. Visions of sugarplums danced in her head.


She snored louder than a chainsaw.
And not just your regular snore. Like her head was tilted back so it involved all the gasping and choking noises you would expect from a fat snoring person. Couple this with the fact it's already 11pm PST (1am EST) and I'm running on 4 hours sleep average for the vacation and knowing I will be arriving in 32 degree New York weather. Anyone else feeling the love? It gets better.
JetBlue carries Direct TV. That's hot. What isn't hot, is not being able to fall asleep, watching Cops in New Jersey and I also memorized the entire Sportscenter broadcast.

On top of the snoring, she began to hog the armrest. Not just any armrest, the one where the controls for the TV are. So now I am really stuck with only ESPN. And she began to jab me, and continue to snore. I glanced over at my friend passed out next to me and contemplated strangling him.

On the bright side, she didn't smell.

The plane ride out there had way more potential to be an absolute disaster. At last count there were 17 babies and 2 little hot dogs that began barking as we were loading the plane. I was hoping they would throw them below with all the suitcases, who travels like that with their little angry shitty dogs? Amazingly, not one made a noise. That ride was pleasant, this ride was hell. Can't win em all I guess.

Pros and Cons of San Diego

I started to fall in love the second I got off the plane.

WHY? They let us walk in the tarmac. That's hot, I felt like a celebrity for a whole minute. Then there is sand everywhere, and ocean, and palm trees, and reasons to have the windows down this time of year. That is also amazing.


Ever seen Fast Times and Ridgemont High? I'm sure you have. Every guy you meet, that lives here, is like Spicoli times 12. It's bad. Everyone is dude and brah and the word like is every other word, no joke.

And fake blondes, everywhere. I want some fake brunettes, that's way cooler.
That and people wear hoodies when its 60 degrees out, apparently they think it's cold? Lots of people ride bikes, and skateboards, and drink coors light. Grocery stores sell more liquor than the average liquor store back home.
The sun makes me happy, there is a lot to do, and my buddy lives 15 feet from a rollercoaster.
The sights and sounds are beautiful, but the overall lack of intelligence on a grand scale is somewhat of a turnoff. Or maybe just easier for me to take over this coast. Either way, I wouldn't mind spending time here.

Quickie

I'm not sure why she is interested. But hey, the reader will not be denied (I'm the internet version of Star, deal with it)
=================
do men really compare penis size in the locker room?
===================

In a word, yes. We also have contests to see who has the smallest. But the favorite thing to do is put on some 80s music and start swinging them to see who has the best mobility. Kinda like how you women do with hula hoops, only way weirder.

Actually, I went out of my way to make sure I never saw penis in high school locker rooms. But that does bring up an interesting idea. I want to know at what age, does the male decide, "Fuck it, I dont care if anyone sees my cock" ??? Because gym locker rooms in high school are WAY way waywyaywyawyaywyawawayyyyyyyy different than gym locker rooms now, say, at my gym. I went in the other night and was surrounded by 4 naked, fat men. I would call them ugly too but that means I took the time to check them out.
It's not even like they have nice bodies and maybe some bi-curiousity going on. It's just fat naked men flopping around and making me uneasy in the weirdest way. I know women have that problem too, but at least if you walk by a naked woman, no matter how fat she is, she can't brush up parts of her body against you, making you want to sanitize until the day you die. I swear, if one of those things ever comes in contact with me, instant OCD. I will scrub until I lose skin.

So dear EVERYONE who goes to the gym. Have some respect, hide your hairy balls and floppy tats because no one, I mean no one, wants to see them. And it's not hard to hide. Just make the extra effort so that I don't have to induce vomiting before lifting (it's not good for my teeth)


Thank you

Morning sex.

Warning: This is sexual in nature. If you have virgin eyes or a problem touching yourself, you might want to skip ahead to other boring blogs of mine including my buddy's funny poo story


alright, I warned ya. Taken from an actual conversation had lastnight on AIM.
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Anonymous female from NY: why do guys think it's hot when girls squirt?
========================
You know I'm taking this question and running with it, and probably bringing up a lot of "somewhat related but where the hell did he come up with this from that" kinda thing. Run with me.

The answer is simple. Proof of orgasm. Unfortunately for some, it is a conquest men can go many many years looking for. Sort of like the Holy Grail, but without the Knights who say Neep. Think about all the tricks women deal with. In order to keep a man satisfied, they will actually fake their own satisfaction. Amazing, the dedication (and frustration) some will go through. So guys are taught early on what signs to look for. Oh it must be her legs shaking, hips moving, the way the sound changes that comes out of her mouth. It's all about the thighs squeezing, how flush she gets around the chest, or the way she begins to arch her back. Sorry men, whatever we have to give, they can fake. Easily. Why? You are boring in bed and she is amazed you lasted longer than 9 minutes but now she wants to go to bed, because she has about as much chance of getting off as you have a chance at getting with Jenna Jameson.

So in this world of confusion, what better way to say "I know she had an orgasm" than some hard proof. That hard proof is wet and kinda strange and I believe the statistic was around 2% of women can git er done. Others can be taught, I guess it's like a superpower to some. Me, personally, I'm on the fence. I think it would be fun to see in person. But the mess, my poor sheets. I imagine the aftermath is frigtening. I guess it seems more like an activity for pornography, so that men everywhere, can go to sleep at night praying that God will bring them a woman who can show you she's getting off like a fire hydrant.

On a related topic, recent studies by men and women in labcoats, probably in Germany, have decided the female orgasm has absolutely no evolutionary purpose. Now before you all jump on me and stab my eyes out, hold on... think about it. Granted, it causes you to enjoy sex and blah blah alright, I get your lame counter argument. Unfortunately evolution doesn't give a shit about what we enjoy. Some people probably liked our tails too, but evolution decided nah on that one. Evolution gives a damn about us continuing on, I guess. And women, believe it or not, can procreate without an orgasm. I am waiting for your 2nd argument- well Dane, isn't it true that male orgasm and ejaculation aren't the same thing? Sure, to the .9% of men who took 3 months of studying tantric sex and now can have it so long she can fall asleep and get a full nights rest, wake up, and he's still going. Amazing.

I guess my only question is, why doesn't evolution fuck up again and give men the shot at multiple orgasms?

On a somewhat related note, the topic of egg donating came up around a few of my buddies and his sister's friends. 8 G's is a lot for an egg you would think, but it is quite the procedure to get that little guy out of your system. So, as I say that, a WOMAN, sitting next to me, says, "they don't just give you a cup and you go do your thing, kinda like men?"

I'll give you time to soak that up




time is up.
I thought she was joking at first, I had to laugh. Hard. Then my diaphragm started to hurt and I realized she was gazing at me with a blank, inquisitive stare. That's when I knew we were all in trouble. There's no way this WOMAN, CARRYING EGGS, could honestly think that? Right?? PLEASE??? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME IT'S A JOKE NOW?
nope.

Let's picture that scenario briefly. I like to call it, the end of man as we know it. Women are already fed up with us enough as it is. If they ever, ever found a way to continue our species without the need for intercourse, we would be kaput. Put into camps and used for our sperm. Relationships would change completely. Okay hunny, I laid my egg, go jerk off on it I'm going to bed.

God no, it's like a bad, bad dream.
But the fact she was serious, that was kind of like a nightmare.

A little thoughts of my own here.

WOMEN: you have tried this several times. And it worked when I was 13. Now, I smell it a mile away.

Take Girl A. She kinda digs Guy A, but thinks Guy A is a womanizer (he probably is, most of us are, its just the truth.) Girl A takes her friend Girl B and has Girl B hit on Guy A also, to see if he bites. Cause after all, he should just be interested in Girl A and no one else.

puhlease. Let's analyze this.
First off, ladies, be careful with your choice for Girl B. Because if she is really attractive, really witty, really intelligent.... it can be equated to having someone offer you an extra 10g's to your current salary, even though you only got your current job last month. If we don't smell the deception, we are probably going to bite. Why? Human nature. Survival of the fittest. Something along those lines. Most of us always want more, something better, something more pleasing. That is why we always have to get the new phones even though that extra feature means nothing and cost you an extra $350, WHO CARES. It's all about status, right? Point is, if you're looking to buy a Honda, and you find a Bentley for the same price.... do the math. Simple choice, and thats how Girl A gets pissy, Girl B whores herself out (not literally, in most cases. though Girl B might wind up attracted to Guy A and then who knows, Girl A is stuck alone, again, and worthless. Because of her need for detective work. Take some advice, curiosity killed the cat my friend.)

I tend to stray from the topic at hand, in case you haven't noticed.

So yes, most of the time Girl A can score some insider info or find out how much of a sucker Guy A is with a little help of her friend with the big, beautiful---- eyes?
So I think my point was Girl A should not blame Guy A, she obviously didn't have him tied down well. For him to be open to suggestions should not be wild, it should be a hint that maybe he is desirable and if she were to really be interested, she better get on that. Again, not literally, we know how that road goes.

I guess I pose the question to you women- How often do you find this to work? Why do you really waste your time with this? Unless you are in a relationship, what do you gain from it? We are talking, most likely, about the 20 somethings here. And what do they want? To settle down immediately with someone they barely know? Umm.. lemme think
NO
We want to date and figure out exactly what interests us and someday, someday, we will find that someone. But probably not at 22 when we are fresh out of getting drunk every Thursday-Wednesday and drunk women were just too plentiful. Sad, maybe, but true, definitely.


But I see this with my friends too. And some of them are suckers and don't even realize they were duped. Because often Girl B is strong enough to diss Guy A and his new found advances and dirty talk, and then Guy A is stuck in a shitstorm of estrogen with little chance of escape with his testicles intact. Go figure.

But really, many of us have caught onto this tactic ladies. It may work often, but when it happens to me, I play along just to make everyone nuts and confused. That makes it way, way more fun in the end.






Speaking of the end......

Rules of the telephone.

Okay people, this is like an instructional video, because most people are completely voicemail retarded. I'm sorry but it's true. So I will drop some guidelines, so you can learn, MORONS

number 1- ME is the worst word you can use. I don't care if you're my father or my wife. You are not just me. Me is everyone, there are billions of me's everywhere. Hey, it's me, call me back.
Okay, let me go in my phone and look up ME
OH WAIT, NO ONE IN MY PHONE IS NAMED ME. SO WHO AM I CALLING BACK? Ungrateful bastard, the amount of time I spend on that. Even worse is when we cannot call back, because we don't know me, and then me calls again, and says, "why didn't you call ME back? :(" Yes, the person even makes the sad smiley face like you can hear that over the telephone. Evil evil bastards.

number 2- Calling from a blocked number and expecting a call back. Even better is if you call and say its ME and your number is private/blocked. Then I want to throw my phone against the wall or straight up your ass. But since I plan on using the phone again I'll just stick with ramming my head into a fairly soft wall so as to not cause permanent damage.

number 3- this one is good but fairly rare. "Hey, I have a new phone number, so call me back cause I shut the other one off."
Okay, not only are you probably ME again, but you didn't leave the number, and chances are my phone was off or I had no service and you still left a message with less personal information than a senior with serious alzheimers can give you.

number 4- do not make the message longer than 30 seconds. I did a study, 65% of people do not even listen to the voicemail in its entirety. Why? Because you are boring. And if you have something to say other than hey seeing what you're doing, call me back. ME me meme memememe
If you have something to say other than that, it can wait for my callback. A 2 minutes voicemail is as fun to listen to as stabbing myself in the eye is a fun way to pass time.

number 5- you just called, I missed the call because my pants were around my ankles or I just wanted it to vibrate 4 times. I call back within 30 seconds, and there is no answer. What did you do? Did you call, run and hide from your cell phone and giggle? Maybe you realize you said you were ME on the message and don't want to face my wrath now. It's possible. Maybe you are so important you handed the phone off to your secretary and advised you will not be handling any more calls today. But chances are you are lazy. You left a dumb message and it took all your brain power.


Moral of the story:
Be quick, always be concise, use your name, when you will be free, and where to call you back. Plain and easy. CONFORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The good ol days.

Only during the NASCAR season, of course.

Quick rant on, what else, WOMEN

Dear men,
There are 5 words a woman can say that will absolutely cripple our soul, throw us into a tailspin of despair, and make us, for once, worry about something.

and no, it's not "you have a small penis", though that could be equally troubling at times.
no guys, it's those dreaded words "i think we should talk"

!@@!!$@..

the thing is, women are proven to be better communicators, so we really have no idea what they could want to talk about. maybe she wants to talk about talking. maybe she liked that thing you did with your tongue and she cant wait for you to show her 3 best friends (highly unlikely, but hey...) maybe she wants to know if you think shes gained weight (steer so far clear of this conversation you wind up somewhere in Siberia, it will not fare well. that talk is like the talk about sexual history, it does NOTHING to help out a relationship. AVOID IT). but chances are, you are a fuckup and she wants to end things. that or she hooked up with a midget lastnight and is feeling guilty, wondering if you will forgive her.

so why do we cringe?
normally men tend to be the more laid back, the more easy going, as if nothing can affect them. it's true, we try not to let the little things bother us. but those 5 little words could take me to my knees quicker than a kick to the junk. especially because the women say it when they know they will be unavailable for hours and hours after. maybe they know what saying that, and letting us dwell on it can do, though probably not to the extent it really does. because then you have to worry about everything, from her being pregnant, to wanting to meet your parents, to wanting to go on a vacation, to wanting to get less serious, to wanting to see other people, to wanting to eat a ham sandwich and she just thought it would be best you knew. man, i hate those 5 fucking words.



here's another question. how do deaf people effectively argue? for example, i raise my voice. that is obviously out of the question. i assume they are using sign language, do they extend their fingers harder? ive been in arguments where the other person simply says "im not listening anymore" and blocks me out. that, also, seems like an uneffective option. even turning the head would be somewhat pointless. or does one just get fed up, and sit there, eyes closed, holding up his or her middle finger? i wonder.