Rules of the telephone.

Okay people, this is like an instructional video, because most people are completely voicemail retarded. I'm sorry but it's true. So I will drop some guidelines, so you can learn, MORONS

number 1- ME is the worst word you can use. I don't care if you're my father or my wife. You are not just me. Me is everyone, there are billions of me's everywhere. Hey, it's me, call me back.
Okay, let me go in my phone and look up ME
OH WAIT, NO ONE IN MY PHONE IS NAMED ME. SO WHO AM I CALLING BACK? Ungrateful bastard, the amount of time I spend on that. Even worse is when we cannot call back, because we don't know me, and then me calls again, and says, "why didn't you call ME back? :(" Yes, the person even makes the sad smiley face like you can hear that over the telephone. Evil evil bastards.

number 2- Calling from a blocked number and expecting a call back. Even better is if you call and say its ME and your number is private/blocked. Then I want to throw my phone against the wall or straight up your ass. But since I plan on using the phone again I'll just stick with ramming my head into a fairly soft wall so as to not cause permanent damage.

number 3- this one is good but fairly rare. "Hey, I have a new phone number, so call me back cause I shut the other one off."
Okay, not only are you probably ME again, but you didn't leave the number, and chances are my phone was off or I had no service and you still left a message with less personal information than a senior with serious alzheimers can give you.

number 4- do not make the message longer than 30 seconds. I did a study, 65% of people do not even listen to the voicemail in its entirety. Why? Because you are boring. And if you have something to say other than hey seeing what you're doing, call me back. ME me meme memememe
If you have something to say other than that, it can wait for my callback. A 2 minutes voicemail is as fun to listen to as stabbing myself in the eye is a fun way to pass time.

number 5- you just called, I missed the call because my pants were around my ankles or I just wanted it to vibrate 4 times. I call back within 30 seconds, and there is no answer. What did you do? Did you call, run and hide from your cell phone and giggle? Maybe you realize you said you were ME on the message and don't want to face my wrath now. It's possible. Maybe you are so important you handed the phone off to your secretary and advised you will not be handling any more calls today. But chances are you are lazy. You left a dumb message and it took all your brain power.


Moral of the story:
Be quick, always be concise, use your name, when you will be free, and where to call you back. Plain and easy. CONFORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!