I warned you!!!!!

Disclaimer: This will be a read. I do not change the [screen] names to protect the innocent. Fuck that, no one is innocent. Here is a "fan" that decided to start off the conversation being a smartass to me. Aww, cute. But then I decided to turn on the fire, and boy, it was a 5 alarm blaze. The best part is, I wasn't trying to be hilarious, I just happen to be amazing sometimes. Haha

Lola041680: Dane says, blah blah blah....hahahah...(yawn);-)
THA WU 143: uh
THA WU 143: dear smartass
Lola041680: u like it
THA WU 143: nope
THA WU 143: blow me
THA WU 143: :-D
Lola041680: eeeehhh nah im good
THA WU 143: arent you on point
Lola041680: eat me:-)
THA WU 143: nope
THA WU 143: not unless it tastes good
THA WU 143: sorry
Lola041680: you'll want the recipe....oooohhhh..lol
THA WU 143: uhh
Lola041680: oh snap..did u just say ..sorry??..
THA WU 143: yeah i didnt mean sorry for being a douche
THA WU 143: i meant sorry, you might have to douche
Lola041680: hahaha..duh......
Lola041680: no need ,,vaginas are self cleansing...mr.know it all i expected a little more from you!!!
Lola041680: heehee
THA WU 143: oh ms know it all
THA WU 143: you should know plenty about ph imbalances then
THA WU 143: that thing isnt always so fresh and so clean clean
Lola041680: why yes
THA WU 143: yeah so shut it
THA WU 143: its not a dishwasher
THA WU 143: its more like a pussy cat, it cleans itself when it can, but that doesnt always mean its good to go
Lola041680: so so u douche and it rids you of natural cleansing agents..its not neccesary unless for medical reasons
THA WU 143: my original point was bashing smelly twat
THA WU 143: can we stick to the subject
Lola041680: im tellin u...DOUCHE ...bad......SOAP...good
THA WU 143: I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA
Lola041680: wait..what..u ..dont?
THA WU 143: and if i wake up with one i am so going to be pissed at god and never pray again
THA WU 143: unless we're talking 24 hours of having a vagina and being a hot girl
Lola041680: now im confused..hahahahahha
THA WU 143: then im taking off work and masturbating
THA WU 143: unless im a hot girl with my eyebrows, that would be weird
Lola041680: its not that great.......
THA WU 143: 4 times better during intercourse, blah blah
Lola041680: ya it would ..do u have a bert..u wax those bad boys??
THA WU 143: give me your ability to have multiples and we'll talk
THA WU 143: waxing is for metros
Lola041680: maximum ability
Lola041680: so ur not metro??
THA WU 143: do you think before you type? im not sure you furnish complete thoughts
THA WU 143: im alpha male, i keep it clean but i dont have more products than you
Lola041680: yes i DOOOOOO
THA WU 143: actually i might, apparently you're smelly
Lola041680: alpha male....heeeheeee
THA WU 143: who uses soap? loser
THA WU 143: its all about body wash
THA WU 143: welcome to 2006
Lola041680: apparently...u smelled me lately?? let me find out..
THA WU 143: guys dont smell their balls
THA WU 143: weirdo
Lola041680: loser..soap?? nice try..duh i use both......
THA WU 143: you say duh a lot
Lola041680: u said i smell!!? how would u know?
THA WU 143: youre stuck in the 90s
Lola041680: uh...no....
THA WU 143: i like you more when youre defensive
Lola041680: havent worn my scrunchies in a while and the NKOTB posters are long gone
Lola041680: oh really??......i think u just like tryin to piss me off!!
THA WU 143: seems like youre better at giving it than taking it
THA WU 143: i wonder how that works in bed
Lola041680: hahahaha..you'll never know..
THA WU 143: SAY IT AIN'T SO
THA WU 143: MY HOPES AND DREAMS
Lola041680: eeeh i can take it..you've been dishin it out pretty hard
THA WU 143: CRUSHED, DESTROYED, MURDERED, PILLAGED, in a single sentence
Lola041680: you should kill yourself now
THA WU 143: i need to masturbate
Lola041680: and look at my picture while doing it
THA WU 143: im not into vomiting while playing with myself, thats a little too kinky
Lola041680: ouch......!!
THA WU 143: send me naked pictures and maybe
THA WU 143: naked pictures of your best friend
THA WU 143: that is
Lola041680: ooh that hurt....hold on give me a minute ..i gotta get my tissues..think i feel a tear building up...
THA WU 143: dude if we were keeping score its like 123919399 to 3
THA WU 143: i need a tissue also but thats because i need to play with myself
Lola041680: no way dude its totally like 457676775 (me) to ehh ill give you hmm..4
THA WU 143: i wasnt comparing sexual partners
Lola041680: yea my best friend is hot..i'd do her..hahahaha
Lola041680: neither was I..eew
THA WU 143: ill do her too, give her my number
THA WU 143: im out
Lola041680: LATA..
========================================================

Amen. Hope you enjoyed.

Sex and Friends

The age old question- can men and women be friends? Answer- maybe, if the two are completely unattracted to eachother. Otherwise, best of luck. Granted, the man is more likely to fuck it up, but a drunk woman always stumbles forth with the truth. A drunk man just likes warm holes to bury himself in; for a total of 6, 7 minutes maybe.

How do men and women even fall into friendships? I have found in my own experience it was a one sided crush at some point, that one or both realized would never work and it kinda just fizzled into hanging out, completely platonic, but with an air of sexual tension constantly surrounding it. Again, blame the male more often for this. Maybe they are coworkers, then the sexual tension exists but without alcohol it is like an invisible border that SHOULD NOT BE CROSSED. Especially in a more formal, professional setting. If we are talking about something like a college job, like when my friends and I worked at Applebee's- hell, go to town if you are both in that kinda mood. But somewhere that you and your other might be competing for job openings- bad idea. You will both wind up talking smack about the other, trying to form alliances, having secret contests to see which one is willing to suck up more- a venerable recipe for disaster. Especially come happy hour, because the details will no doubt come out and wind up ugly. That's why most places have a strict no dating policy- it is NO GOOD for productivity, office politics, or anyone's job in the end. Again, if you are blue collar or working part time or even a stripper, then go for the glory. Otherwise, think about how much you hate everyone you work with of the opposite sex, let the little things they do get under your skin- but not enough under your skin so that you are still interested in hate sex.

Where was I?
Friends and sex, sure.

So you CAN be friends with someone of the opposite sex, it is possible. But likely, she will have to be a tomboy or love sports. On the flipside, he will have to be gay to keep her interested. All of this does not apply in college because you are all interested in one thing- booze. But after that, you are all supposed to be responsible, and looking to start families, and all those "adult" type things. None of that equals a quality friendship with someone you might be attracted to, sober or under the influence. Granted, beer goggles will make a lot of people more attractive for all the wrong reasons, so choose your friends wisely in the end.

What if you already had sex with someone? Can you be friends then? Probably not. Why? Someone will get jealous eventually. Someone will want more. Someone will wind up not feeling satsfied, and will end any hope for more sex or just completely cock block you. Either way, friendship likely to disappear. Jealousy is a bitch, I have been and definitely can be jealous when situations arise between someone I am potentially interested in and another suitor. It is tied into the whole wanting more- but there is a difference. Men will likely not be interested in more and just believe they can make everything work with just sex- a la the episode of Seinfeld on tonight where Jerry and Elaine tried to just be bang buddies. Didn't work, in the end they wound up together because Elaine made it that way. So true. Not saying it is always the woman wanting more, some guys are suckers for relationship status. But we can all agree it would more likely be the woman in that situation, wanting more than just physical action. Or one of you will be an asshole and try to push the limits, or try the other. This can be brought about because there is no relationship- in an attempt to form jealousy? Or someone might just be flat out oblivious, thinking that bringing around another partner, knowing the friend/lover will also be there, is a good idea. That sentence is really, really long. But you get the idea (hopefully). I'm only talking about it because I have seen it. Potentially experienced it, but definitely I have tried to stay away. I learned my lesson, have you?

Here is a better question- what is it about sex that always seems to fuck things up? Does the intense intimacy that quickly fades also steal your souls? For whatever reason, it always seems like after two people engage in intercourse, things can never be the same. Without advancement, there will be quick regression. Phone calls will severely decline, attitudes change, tempers flare- what an ugly, ugly situation. Expect more on this subject.

Orgasms, from a woman, for the.. women?

My life was threatened if I did not post this. Enjoy?
===========================================
This past weekend was the bachelorette party. We saw a few drunk men who performed strip teases for our bride very nice great bodies thank you. I noticed that these guys are grooming their pubes, we appreciate that too. In fact, thats fucking hot!

Of the bachelorette party, the majority had long-term boyfriends, except me and my best friend who kept chanting take it off, take, take it off!! pretty much the whole night.... :)

In fact, there was this one girl among the bachelorette party who was really judgmental of me and my friends rowdy behavior, which pisses me off. And I have been thinking a good deal about her actions and the things she said. Trying to put myself in her shoes and trying to make sense of it.

The girl doesnt like to drink, get rowdy, or have sex.why she was out with us is beyond me. I couldnt really figure out what she did like to do except bitch and be critical of everyone elses. My girlfriend and I were at one point discussing how much we love sex and how we needed to figure out a way to have as much of it as possible. one of our frequently occurring conversations. This girl chimed in that her boyfriend wants to have sex all the time and she hates it. Ohh if I only had such problems!! Being the bitch that I am I told her to give him my number, to which she shot me a nasty look. :) :) Then she started to imply that me and my girlfriend are sluts not for the fact that we are having lots of sex, because god knows since me and my ex broke up Ive had extremely minimal amounts of sex, but for the fact that we love and enjoy having sex.

But, I thought about it. When me and my long-term boyfriend were together we fucked all the time. It was great. Several times a weeknot everyday, but close to it. Every way, every where, every thing; we did it. We were together almost four years. Having an orgasm(s) was guarenteed and they were delicious. The best feeling I have ever had in my life. Just thinking about it makes me happy (and horny).

I couldnt imagine having such a complainthating that my boyfriend wants to fuck me? Why?? Why would someone say that?

Then I realized It finally hit me of course, after-the-fact, that this poor girl probably was not having orgasms!!! And I felt bad. I would be bitter and bitchy if I never got off either.

I didnt have my first orgasm until I was 20 years old.and since then two out of three guys Ive had sex with have made me cum. personally, I think its pretty easy to make me orgasm, so the third guy was just bad, had a small penis, and didnt know how to fuck. I wouldnt recommend dating him.

Prior to that point, I would sometimes lie to guys and tell them I orgasmed, but I really didnt. I didnt lie on purpose. I just didnt know what an orgasm was.and even after I consulted with other women and came to the conclusion I definitely wasnt having orgasms, being honest to a guy about his sexual performance isnt always beneficial.or taken constructively.

Actually, there was this one guy who broke up with me because he couldnt make me orgasm. This of course, was in my preorgasm days. I encouraged him that he could try a little harder and to not give up on me yet, but he didnt. It wasnt like he was some sex-god either I cant even recall if he went down on me. But if he did, it wasnt good. If a guy is good I never forget!! But, anyway, that guy had only been with one other girl who probably lied to him about orgasming anyway. Sorry I didnt lie!! No actually Im not!!!

But, I remember my frustration. All that fucking but never climaxing. And I wanted sooo bad to cum. [I wouldnt mind cumming right now :)]

I do want to say it isnt all up to the guy. As a woman you need to know how to make yourself cum. when to clench your muscles, how to move your hips, how to make sure your spots are hit, and how to really let yourself be in the moment. Breathing and moaning are important too. Not only does this let the guy know when he is doing something good, but breathing/moaning increases the flow of blood, which increases your sensitivity which magnifies the orgasm potential.

One fact is significant and I have compared notes with many girls: the older you get the hornier you get (this is for women, for men the opposite occurs).so if you are 18 years old and you are a horny little nugget then watch out for when 23 hits!!! The older you get, the better orgasms you get (again this is for women, I am unsure if the quality of the male orgasm increases or diminishes with age.but any men that would like to inform me/us I would be happy to hear from, probably in more ways than one!)

I am concerned that many women out there are not having orgasms. I feel that is terrible and if I can be of guidance in anyway please let me know. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty, so to speak, to help out the community... :)
=========================================================================

My very quick two cents:
I read today that an orgasm during intercourse is FOUR times better than an orgasm masturbating. Um, I need a girlfriend. I knew Rosey P was no good.








for those of you still clueless, the P stands for Palm, der.

um... MORE SAKE!

Creepy sushi experience lastnight.
The place is wonderful, I've had their food twice but it was noticeably better than most sushi, as far as presentation and quality would have it. But man, are their waitresses straight from Japan. My last time there, a waitress came over and said "Oh, are you student at WestConn?" (local college). So I keep the conversation going cause now I'm interested, maybe David Schwimmer went there.
"No, why, do I look familiar?"
This is the interesting part


wait for ittttt
waiiiit. Ok, she says
"No, I just knew it was a local college so I figured you might go there"




soak that in
honestly
try to make sense of it.
I apologize for the aneurysm, it didn't make sense to me either. Good thing I wasn't high or drunk, I might have thought she either wanted me to eat her tuna or was using crazy hypnosis and spiking my sake. But the food was good, so I gave it another shot.

Something else I noticed- they push their sushi special rolls there harder than Applebees pushes their special appetizers. It's as if the restaurant is holding the women's children hostage and will only let them go if she sells 25 or more, it's weird. Especially since I cannot understand what they are saying.

That takes us to lastnight. I went there for good food and to let it redeem itself for being so creepy. So we sit at a table and a woman comes over with the thickest... well it wasn't even an accent, she just couldn't fucking speak a lick of English. The weird thing is, after she took our drink orders, another geisha came over to ask us what we wanted. Were we taken over by the evil ruler of the place? What was going on? Weird, bring me sake.

So the Japanese only woman comes back, and there is about a pound of cucumber in my glass. GARNISH, ladies, it isn't ice cubes. So while I am trying to enjoy my sake, cucumbers are attacking my face. Lovely. And when she brought over the bottles, she acted as if it were wine at a classy joint- she turns the bottle over for us to approve, but actually more so she could check the menu and make sure it was the type we ordered. It wasn't, but whatever. So great, we have the menus open- she doesn't leave. In fact she stands directly behind us and keeps talking about sushi. I have no clue what she actually said, but when explaining the sushi special I SWEAR, she said "bong" and shaped it out for me.
"Okay, we just need a few minutes" my sushi partner explains to her. But she doesn't leave. Awkward. I think I may have started to sweat, I feel like it was Deer Hunter and my turn, one empty chamber left. It was too awkward to even speak, I was giggling half the time because she kept suggesting things that I couldn't understand. Three more minutes of weirdness, and it's time to order. The second waitress from earlier comes back, now I'm confused.
I didn't want her children to be condemned to a life of labor so I ordered the special- which the crazy lady explained as the "bong" and shaped it out again. Whatever, sounds good. Just get away from my table!!!!!!!

She then reappears 5 minutes later for someone's birthday, playing a gong to apparently no rhythm at all. I mean it was scary, loud, and lacking a beat, as far as I could tell. And she just kept going. She did not know half the words to happy birthday, and luckily, was done bothering me. I left the place after I spilled the rest of my sake. But I think I was just glad to have survived.

Could it be....

Anyway, let’s talk about fate. I hate that fucking word and everything it stands for. You’re all like, “But Dane, without fate, how would I have met my husband/girlfriend/dog/plastic surgeon/God/etc?” Simple you jackass, the same way you did meet them. Crazy coincidence, or the fact you were in the right place at the right time. To say that you believe in fate, takes away everything you have done, everything you can do. It’s like giving up and saying your movie is a script and will play out as it would like to play. You know what? If you feel that way, let it be. Don’t go out and get a job, one will come to you. Don’t go get in shape, your body will develop abs overnight. Leave it up to this devilish fate, and see what happens. You will be fat and lazy, is that what your life was supposed to shape out to be? I hope not. Though, we do need some of those to make other lives look better comparatively. After all, you cannot have the beautiful, without the ugly. Fate is just a lame ugly scapegoat that we can throw any of our problems and some of our successes on. I do not understand why one would like to say fate led them in a certain direction. What about parenting, a good upbringing, a good head on your shoulders, ambition, good looks, charm, personality? If I had a son (which I might somewhere, I just know I haven’t been slapped with any child support bills yet), and he ever said fate got him that great job or that hot chick, I would slap the shit out of him. I want some damn credit! Cause you know I raised him as a smooth talking stud, no way I’m denying that to some force that is nothing more than a four letter word people let control their destiny. Oh and destiny is a bunch of bullshit too, maybe I should have used another word, but it’s too late for me to turn back now, I have come too far in this story to hit the backspace key for 15 seconds. Your lives are in your hands. People can help you or hinder you along the way, but only so much. In the end, it is what you make of it. If you lie, cheat, and steal your way through things, it will work until you get caught in a lie, cheating, or stealing. So even if you don’t believe me, and your heart is set on fate existing and being the only way for you to get by in life, do you really want this control of your life out of your own hands? That is scary if you answer yes, however, I have learned not to be surprised by the things people do and say.

Interesting topic- pubic hair

Folks, believe it or not, I watch pornography. I know, I know. Shocking. In fact, I will give you a three line break to wipe the tears away and manually close your gaping mouth.



Time is up. Hope you're feeling okay. If you popped some pills to relax the surge of anxiety/depression, I feel you. Anyway, when you watch pornography, you get to see a lot of pubic hair. In all sorts of shapes and sizes and colors and ... breeds? I saw a heart shaved one once, that was rather cute, and also strange. Like how much time did it take to get that perfect? Did you even do it yourself? I can't imagine staring down there, sitting in the shower, you would get a good angle on the whole thing. Maybe it took some mirrors, what do I know? But that was hot. God I hate Paris Hilton. By the way, why does every man in the world want to sleep with her? Okay, she is tall, blonde, and attractive. Great, did you see how she has sex? I think I fell asleep twice. All I remember is glowing eyes and her being dumb. I guess it's true what they say- boys like blondes, men like brunettes. The guy behind her should have been reading a magazine or doing bicep curls, I would have been bored!

I'm straying from the subject, nothing new for me of course.

So let's review. In the past, big fat bushes were all the rage. Why? I'm not sure, maybe it matched the big hair. But gross. I'm sure we all, both men and women, have at one point in our lives been stuck going down on someone who decided a little extra time in the shower just wasn't worth keeping your partner from choking. Poor move. Not only will it cause oral time to decrease SIGNIFICANTLY, it will probably provide rashes should you decide to move onto anything else. Or like Larry David, you will have a pube stuck in your throat for an entire day and have no way to get it out. And if you do, are you going to show people what was choking you up? Ew. Why people still do not at least trim down there, I have no idea. Especially women, who are so so so so always self conscious. Guess what? Pubes came about through evolution to trap our pheremones, thereby promoting sex. Okay people, pheremones died back with the invention of soap, perfume, anything that was made to hide the scent. And no, nobody likes those smells anymore. Okay, some weirdos out there do, but I would have to speak for the general public when I say, we all like our partners to be or at least appear freshly showered if our tongues are going to do any invading. Men I can understand, we are lazy and always expect a little head no matter what. But the women still puzzle me. Puzzle me like the whole everyone feeling okay walking around naked at the gym. Something on that level.

To be fully shaved, I have addressed before. Why is everyone into it? Well women should like it because it allows for better genital contact. Assuming we aren't rubbing your stubble the wrong way, there should be no problems. Men should like it because she will actually attempt to go all the way down your pathetic shaft, instead of stopping three inches up because your curly q is poking her eye out. But mostly I would have to say it is our sick fantasy, along the lines of the whole school girl thing- young and submissive. Couple it with pigtails and men are beyond content. I can't say I prefer the bald approach the most. It might give off the wrong signal as well. Such as, "hey I was expecting to get laid tonight". This applies to both sexes and can cause some woes unless you are both plenty drunk.

Now to my favorite. I appropriately call it the landing strip, though depending how you look at it, it could be seen as backwards. The way I see it, it is the only way for the hand to get down there, as I would hope you have to do some rubbing before you get to the tonguing. And assuming the security guards are both asleep (you should know what the hell I mean, those fucking hands that just slap and slap and pull away, evil ass security guards) you should always have clearance to land. A landing strip would just be weird on a guy. Very, very weird. I guess a happy trail could somehow be trimmed into this but, WHY, why would you do that? I think it looks way more sexy than the "look I'm either 12 or a chihuahua" bald type. It's like a tease, and shows that you care enough to make it look sexy for us as well. That's hot ladies, that is H O T. Take note. I am here to change the way we all view our pubic hair.

The bottom line, if we all like, want, appreciate oral sex, we should give something back to our partners. And that is the removal of unsightly, smelly, curly, creepy, scratchy pubic hair. Because there is nothing worse than getting psyched up for a round of oral, only to have to dig between the bushes to find anything worth eating. Know what I mean?

I bet you all want to know what Dane does. Dane, do you shave your balls? Dane, do you trim all the time?

Jesus Christ you fucking perverts, my Dad could be reading this!

Morning Breath

I've talked about morning sex before, I believe we are all in agreement that it is both wonderful, and necessary, to start of a day. But what about the evil that lurks behind it?.... it of course, being your lips. Women make a big deal out of morning breath, it really isn't. Let's put it this way on the taste scale- it's somewhere after vegetable lasagna, but somewhere before someone who just ralphed or smoked a ton of butts. So don't worry about it! (unless you smoke before bed, then it's just old crusty tailpipe combined with morning breath) It really isn't a big deal, but women seem to be self conscious about it. Don't worry, we don't mind. In fact, I am tasting my own morning breath right now, I think it is something like a sour cherry- that's not so bad, is it? Without kissing, morning sex is just a fuckfest, sloppy and completely lacking intimacy--- ladies, I thought you loved intimacy? If we don't kiss you, following orders, your complex about your breath only worsens- then no one is getting laid. So just kiss away, chances are if we are even making out in the morning, we probably taste like eachother's stale sex juices anyway.

My other advice, ladies, without sounding too presumptuous- is to always have a travel toothbrush on you. Even though you may not plan on sleeping over, sometimes alcohol and or fits of passion may cause you to do so. In this case, you don't want to be brushing your teeth with some grimy ass finger, God knows where it was that night. Then you won't just have morning breath- you will have morning death. Granted, when I wake up in the morning, I like to take a little pee pee action, my penis reminds me of that every morning by waking me up like he is ready to go... but he IS ready to go, just not sexually. So I guess we can find a happy medium here ladies. Men want to pee, you want a fresh, clean, mouth that will only be dirty 6 minutes after anyway.

But WHATEVER YOU DO- please don't stop the chance of morning sex because you have issues with the way you think YOUR OWN MOUTH tastes. If ours is that bad, tell us. Shit maybe we should all just keep those little pocket mouth strips by our beds in case.

No, but seriously.

When I went to San Diego- my friend that lived there was ALL about a trip to Mexico. Luckily we never made it. Though the allure of $20 whores is amazing, there was something else he was interested in.
"Dude, we need to go see a donkey show!"
A donkey show... what is so fun about a bunch of donkeys? Do they do fun tricks? Wear little hats and dance around? What could it possibly be???

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ew.
Those same whores that you are trying to put your little rinky dink in are having sex with fucking donkeys. A DONKEY?! Cmon. Honestly, where did this whole farm sex thing start? I can see some redneck guy, divorced, sees women maybe once a year, and they laugh at his lack of teeth; I can see him having sex with a sheep. But a woman, even worse, an attractive woman, yearning for some ass? (LITERALLY) Where did that ever come about? I could envision a conversation

"Oh Julie... there just isn't passion in my life anymore. The guys don't hold doors for me, no flowers, no cuddling after sex. I feel so, so... used."
"Amy, you should have sex with a donkey"
"OMFG JULIE, you are a genius"

And there it went.
But honestly, was it a lonely woman? Why did others follow? What the hell do you go for after you have had horse penis? Is there intimacy I am missing? Are there chances for dirty talk? "Hey Mr Ed, tell me how tight I am!"
"Um.. neeeeehhhhhehehehehhehhhhhhhhhhhhh"- stomp stomp.

There must be something I am missing. Oh and one more thing, how do you have sex with a snake? Or do I just not want to know? And better yet, who pays to see a donkey show? Is it possible for people to masturbate to some smelly, hairy beast recklessly humping some woman, with hopes of procreating? Wait, I think I just described the average male porn star.

Anyway, yes I was thinking about this in the shower. And no, I didn't have an erection. Perverts.

Driving can provoke thought.

Question:
When did Americans become so dumb?
What do they teach in school these days? I just don't get it. I am surrounded by a society that doesn't even know the difference between AFFECT, and EFFECT. Let me break it down for you. You will never use effect as a verb, unless you are a scientist. You probably aren't. And if you are a scientist, you must have a brain. You would already know the damn difference!
The only part I can cut some slack on, is who vs whom, I would say about 85% of people have NO IDEA when to properly use whom... or even know it is part of the English language.
We have people obsessed with phonetics, because of some stupid learn to read program that does nothing but teach us how to be terrible spellers. Sad. Learning to read takes time, and with ANY LANGUAGE, you must learn the exceptions, as there are always plenty. It is just sad to know that there are people out there, with English as their second, maybe third language, that can speak English better than our "Native Americans".
Speaking of, why must the history we teach our young ones be so biased, and almost entirely untrue. Why promote ignorance in the society of freedom and such high values? Granted, each society has it's own form of it's own history- try to find something on WWII in a German textbook. It's like the 40's never happened. But to teach kids, that our land was taken honestly, is beyond laughable. Why not teach the truth? Our land was stolen from those who lived here, and both genocide and severe oppression in turn formed a dysfunctional society, that had to war within itself to help decide how the law of the land was to be run. This somehow, magically, created the capitalistic country we live in today, that prides itself on the freedom and opportunity within. But to think this was achieved in a "kosher" manner, is just plain ridiculous. Then again, how do you teach a five year old that the big bad puritans gave syphillis to those red faced indians and murdered thousands of innocent lives; so you can celebrate Columbus Day and enjoy a feast on Thanksgiving? They do say, ignorance is bliss. Hmm...
More questions- why do people think they can get by without an education these days? If you are ever feeling down, watch an episode of Cops. How do these people function? Nevermind the fact these people are so fucking dumb, that they actually will sign the waiver to allow faces shown on tv. Wow. These aren't the 60's. Granted, many of our parents didn't go to college, they really didn't have to. They were able to get by on a booming economy where jobs were formed for people, and it was easy to pick up a certain trade or walk into something as entry level and BECOME a professional in that field. Guess what? No longer happening. Yet people think they can abandon high school and do what they want with their lives. Well I guess if food stamps, trailers, and drugs get you excited- rock on! Cause unless you have stupid fucking luck, and come up with some genius scheme like Girls Gone Wild, ebay, or the like... you are shit out of luck. And even those people needed brainpower to come up with the genius business ideas and marketing schemes that gave them fortune. That or they were puppets, with someone pulling the strings behind the scene. Sounds like another asshole I know. Some call him Gee Dub. I call him the prick that is killing thousands of our soldiers for no fucking good cause at all anymore except the rising price of gas. Fuck the president as well.
Can we take a minute to look at the role models we have today? Paris Hilton? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT USELESS WHORE GOOD FOR? A video that isn't even exciting or fun to jerk off to, I guess. She is so, so, so dumb I am amazed she can walk and chew gum at the same time. She honestly is good for nothing else than being naked and hypnotizing the men in this country. And yet, all these girls look up to her. That's good little Jenny, little Jilly, go suck a bunch of cock and video tape it, date as many stars as you can, and eat once a week, maybe twice, cause pooping is so NOT hot. Then you too, can be popular like Paris Hilton. Don't forget to act as dumb as humanly possible and feed off others' money, when you have more than enough of your own.
What about Barry Bonds? Sports superstar, right? I wonder how he went from a tiny baseball player in the early 90s to a huge homerun hitter with a head that is probably a size 8 1/2... hmm. That's right, people love you if you cheat to do well. Babe Ruth is a true baseball hero. Everything he did, he earned. He was a hero and a national icon. Barry Bonds is a fucking juicehead loser that hasn't earned half the shit he is "given credit" for by many. Fuck him too.

Do I sound bitter? I'm sorry, a lot of random things go through my head, they need to be addressed and brought to the light so others can hate like I can. Because as fun as love may be, a little hate here and there is only healthy.

I probably had more to say, but I will keep it to here for now. I have things to do (not really, but I can pretend I am important here and there)

I'M OUT!

Advice hour.

And for my next trick, relationships. The secret to everything about them is about to be revealed, I suggest you sit down for this one. Some women are always talking about how they only attract assholes; normally you will hear a guy complaining that every women he dates is a psycho. We have all heard it, yet we probably never stop to think about why this is true. Is it possible we are really out just to be with assholes or psychos? YES! Not because she is a bad person, or he is into being stalked; it’s something I consider to be biological and determined early on in life, mostly by what your parents go for. Many of us have also heard that we set out to date someone like our parent of the opposite gender. Not nearly the truth. The reason is no one ever thinks they are actually setting out to date someone that his or her mother/father would date. Plain and simple. So the reason this whole cliché was started is because, when you think about it, the person you are going to date is most likely someone your parent or guardian would have dated back before that 9 month mistake they named you. To my point. Each one of us has a set threshold in our brains. For women, the threshold is how much asshole they can take, because we all know all men are assholes, to varying degrees. For men, the threshold is how much psycho they can take, because, again, we know all women are psychos, to varying degrees. And that is how relationships begin. You meet a person, determine his level of asshole or psycho, and then measure it against your threshold and make the oh so important choice. But there is a curveball to the mix. In the beginning of almost all relationships, it’s too cute to be able to determine these levels. Guys don’t start to be assholes until they know you are nearly wrapped around their finger and you are hooking up consistently. At the same time, women will creep in with their subtle attempts to tie the guy down and/or test his commitment. Such things as: Grabbing the remote, asking us to stay in on a Friday night instead of going out with the boys, getting angry if we don’t call a few times a day, etc. Women don’t start to pour on the psycho until the men pull this and they decide they want to kick the shit out of that nice guy that wooed them and then bounced. So any relationship formed before this point is simply for lust because someone wants some action and/or was drunk. That or you are an extreme exception to the norm and I’m not writing an addendum to cover your random story you son of a bitch! People, people, this is a generalization, just like stereotypes, not everyone fits it perfectly; but enough do to make a point of it.

Two major things will ruin a relationship, and are probably responsible for more than half of the arguments, breakups and former which leads to the latter. Number one, plain and simple, is sex. Not enough sex, too much sex (is there such thing? Unfortunately, to some, there is), boring sex, freaky sex; it can kill a perfectly good relationship. Here’s the scoop. People are normally too afraid to talk about anything sex related with a partner. Instead they wait until the next day and tell their best friend how he was done in three minutes or how she farted two times. That or you wait until you have a few drinks in you and bring it up around not only the person involved but friends of yours and really cause a problem. My philosophy, believe it or not, is to speak what is on your mind. While it may seem brash and occasionally out of line, it gets to the point. There are no secrets that way. Tell him how you like it, tell her what movements feel good, get it out there and have some good fucking sex. Nothing could be healthier to a relationship. This leads to the second thing that ruins every relationship, and is intertwined with sex: communication. Outside of the bedroom as well, it can cause a host of problems to keep certain things inside. Hate how he burps out loud but you just won’t say anything? Or how she drinks the OJ right out of the container? These little things can lead up to explosive confrontations if not addressed. In the relationships I have been in, I make it clear from day one the only two things I really am passionate about are honesty and openness. Without those two things, it will never last. The phrases “forget it” or, “nevermind, it’s stupid” should not even exist. When I am with someone and she says that to me, I will bug her until she gets it out, because otherwise it will come out two weeks later when we are battling over what a mess my room is or because I need too much sex, something like that. I dare all you people in relationships to step it up, say what you’re thinking and watch how you can get the bullshit out of the way and enjoy each other that much more. This is all within reason however. If there are problems that cannot be fixed, or major issues linked with communication or sex, might as well give up now. If you hate cats and she loves cats, good luck compromising. Either you are going to love cats or you are going to hate yourself, sorry buddy. If you hate football, good luck being with him from September to February. Pull out a school girl’s outfit you know he loves, buy her a rose and tell her she looks beautiful just because. Say you will stop leaving the toilet seat up, take notice, she will. Tell him you don’t mind football as long as halftime is all about her. Then sit back, and watch the little heart bubbles. God I’m making myself sick here with this romance!

The ol ex part DEUX

I never seem to get full thoughts out on here. My brain works too fast, I create my own form of ADD. Hey kudos to Reiche for coming back from the dead. The whole irony between us is that he has lived in Boston, I have lived in... well let's call it the Tri-State area. I was always planning on moving up there, so he and I could rock out like we were college roomates again. So, as most of you know, I am moving to Boston now. Well.... Reiche is moving to the Tri-State area. So, now, we are trading a NON-Sox fan up to Boston for a NON-Yankees fan. hum
moving on!

Getting back with your ex is not a victimless crime. Men know that the best women to flirt with are the ones fresh out of relationships. And no, not because we love your baggage, because we seem to love emotional weakness. So maybe you really are a nice guy, there's a possibility that could be true- but you are extra nice when you know she is fresh out of a breakup.... am I wrong? Just be careful, she might be doing it to spite him- sticking it to him by pretending she's gonna let you stick it in her. Then you start to get close, flirting increases, heck- she might even kiss ya. But be very, very, very careful. Because she might push you away once things get hot. NO, I CAN'T- I love him too much. Oh boy, go back and read my blog, find the appropriate objection, and work past it. It's like being a salesman if you're any good- but you probably aren't. The next day she has an away message about loving and missing her pookie and your blue balls will just have to move on, my friend.
WE are the victim! You women will use us for company, something fresh, until you get back with that old flame- bastards. Men, however, will get back with their ex, not tell you, probably continue to have a mistress, and then when it gets serious (like buying a house together, or a dog, something like that) he will tell you to scram. With women, you are bunk again from the start. And then what? The relationship probably won't last... but you are long gone and she is on flirting with another. Or what if she comes back to you? Do you give it another shot? Or are you then considered a form of ex, and know it will only lead to her getting back with someone else? Oh the vicious cycle. At least if you're with a man who gets back in a relationship, and it fails, you won't know. One day he will just start being extra nice again, like the day you met (or dry humped or whatever you did, you perverts) Is it sometimes better to be ignorant? Guess it depends on the situation.

My head is spinning from the possibilities. Just do me a favor, don't call me Dance. Two different people sending me IMs lastnight somehow called me Dance. I don't even get the need for the extra keystroke. Cmon now. Then two different people happened to talk to me about saran wrap. What is going on? Is it the end of the world? If so, I better hurry, I have at least three things to accomplish before that happens.

I am my fucking khakis. But

You are NOT your cell phone. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have the newest technology at all times, but don’t ever let your cell phone overshadow who you are, PLEASE. To be honest, I would rather have the cell phone from the late 90’s that is absolutely massive and had an antenna that reached the stratosphere. Now that, would be cool. Imagine the belt holder for that one! And while we are on the subject, I know it has been said multiple times before, but just let me reiterate: your cell phone is not an accessory. So please, please oh please, stop wearing it on your hip and learning how to “quick draw” it. It does not make you cool, you are not a gun fighter from the wild wild west.

I have plenty to say about cell phones, so kick back, take off your shoes, stay a while.

Why do you avoid answering your phone if you don’t know the number? Do you think you are that important? If you were, you wouldn’t have to be answering any of your calls in the first place, you would have what most call a “personal assistant” because it sounds way better than secretary. Fuck being politically correct, he or she is simply your bitch (ironic how I type he first even though that market is over 90% female, especially after that last sentence). You are not important. You might be slightly important, not that important. Chances are you are lucky enough to even have someone calling you in the first place, why ignore it and then sit around and wait for another phone call? You have no life, you have no purpose, you should be jumping at that phone every time it lights up and plays whatever trendy tune you just paid $8 for, loser. You don’t run your cell phone, it runs you. If you didn’t want to be contacted you should just stick to the land lines and pay phones. Otherwise, answer the damn thing. Then you get the response “well if it is important, they will leave a message”. First I smack the person with the terrible grammar, you don’t say they when you’re talking about a singular person, but I digress. Think about the time wasted from that person calling, to listening to your stupid voicemail message that is either cutesy or too professional for your weed smoking ass or has some shitty song in the background while you act gangster, followed by the time it takes them to tell you how pathetic you are for not answering in the first place, to you having to pick up the phone and dial in to check your voicemail, fumbling around with your 18 digit PIN cause you sure don’t want anyone checking Mom telling you that she cleaned your underwear, to finally, finally, figuring out who the hell called and what he or she wanted. Then you realize it was from a blocked number and you are shit out of luck. And they probably wanted to give you concert or sporting event tickets or were horny and now you are beat. Talk about the shame. All because you wanted to hear your new tune play so you could look at it and pretend like you are too big to answer. Again, you are not, you are nobody. Pick up, because it might be me calling, and I fucking hate leaving messages. Thank you.

random

Ever had a q-tip in your urethra? Probably not huh? Let me tell you, it's thrilling. The things we do to assure our health, eh? Good story behind this one. But the best part, the doc turns to me, and says "So... what does that feel like?" Uhh doc, what the? "Well, all my patients ask me, but I've never had it done so I don't know what to tell them!"
I wanted to strangle him at that point.
That and take 80 grit sandpaper to his nuts for a few minutes. Well doc, it's a lot of fun, but can you take the q-tip OUT before you ask another question?

I was afraid to pee for 4 hours. FOUR FUCKING HOURS, I had to sit there, whimpering, hoping it wouldn't burn like I actually had something going on down there. Son of a bitch. But hey, not everything is easily tested for. So roll those sleeves up and pull those pants down and get it done for the sake of your own damn safety and those poor innocent bastards that might sleep with you.

In my defense, I didn't get it done because I was worried about anything- at the time I had been with my girlfriend for about a year. Funny thing is, she calls me up crying her eyes out, yelling at me that I gave her chlamydia. WHOA
hold up

WHAT? ME? I didn't even cheat on her, there was no way I could have had it... did I have it the whole time? ME, the human sexuality "major" (my focus in psychology) could I possibly have been so dumb? I ran through all the scenarios, pretending to be ignorant for once. Well, I thought, I was in that hot tub, I used a public toilet... wait a second you stupid fuck you cant get chlamydia from that. God damn! What happened? Was I taken advantage of while passed out? I can't see that as being any fun for any girl whatsoever. I had to spend hours talking to her trying to figure something out- blaming her for cheating on me, doing anything. I had a miserable girlfriend whom I loved and cared about more than some bacteria growing in my dingaling- and I knew I had done nothing wrong... I knew it. I had to spend the next week waiting for my appointment, for the semi-moist qtip... miserable. Not for myself, but for a woman who put all the trust in the world in me, and somehow, some way, it all fucked up in the blink of an eye.

So, that's why I got tested. Guess what? Negative, I had nothin. Oh, was that the MOST fun conversation I have ever had with a girlfriend or what. That is told ya so, on a level so high, it's beyond space, beyond time. I think she owed me whatever I wanted for the next 3 months. Guess what? She calls up her doc... and the doc sayssssssssssssss
Oh... well there's a chance it was a false positive.


So, people. The qtip, is a necessary evil.

I might compare myself to mold. Or a virus?

Over the years, it has come to my attention that I am not easy... to swallow, for lack of a better, more cliche phrase. My brutal, honest approach to things has gotten me slapped, kicked, beaten, and occasionally- loved. But I have been working hard, and long, with a team of scientists, a few Asians (you NEED the Asians) teamed up with an abacus, some dry ice to make it look like chemicals having crazy chemical reactions, and a monkey or two just to entertain me with their feces throwing and temper tantrums.

Alas, I have found a scientific equation that equals liking, or hating, Dane. The first 3 (Three) times you meet me, you probably will not like me. This depends on the situation. If we are talking about a date, you might love me, and hate yourself, on date number one. If we are talking about a drunken situation, you might not like me. I tend to pick on the weak minded to entertain others. Yes, I am an entertainer. But don't get me wrong, I am not overtly evil. In fact, when I do get into make fun of people mode, it is normally because I can do it in such a way that I appear genuine, and they don't even know. It's like a game that never ends, and boy, do I have fun.

So the first time you meet me, I might be brash, brazen, and outspoken. Normally people do not like that. Why? I get some attention, others are craving. That or they can't keep up with me. Something along those lines. Getting past the first meeting without hating me isn't tough, but it is a slight challenge. Once you get over the hump, if you can look past the initial shock that a person like myself exists, and says the things he does; it's all relatively downhill from there. Once the shock wears off, and blood begins to flow back to the rest of your body, you might realize, I am actually funny. But funny in a wildly witty, sometimes out of control way. But isn't that the allure? I get bored with more of the same, you always need someone a little more out there to keep you entertained. There is a fine line between entertainment, and trouble. I don't cause fights, I don't cause arrests, I don't get people kicked out of bars- I just entertain.

The second time we meet, you might warm up to me a little more. Hell, you might even throw in your own two cents along the wild lines that I live my life by. Good luck, get this far and I definitely am like a mold. You can almost feel me growing on you, and the strongest bleach isn't going to stop me. That is, unless you splash it directly on my actual face. Then I might just squeal and kick and cry and say DUDE WHY DID YOU JUST THROW BLEACH ON ME? To which you would reply, well Dane, I read your blog. That or you want to take over the world, and I am standing in your path. I tend to do that a lot. I'm like a better looking Brain. Pinky was too dumb, but man, did he get the chicks (mice?). Speaking of the plural for animals, some female, of course, really tried to convince me the other day that the plural, for goose, is goose. Nothing I said could convince her otherwise. People like that, you just let go on in their stupidity, and attack them for it later. That is what it takes to be me, really. But I don't want to get sidetracked here, you are already lost and wondering why I am mold.

The third time we hang out, you must not hate me. Or you hate me so much you just want to wait until I am drunk and try to beat me up, be it physically, or emotionally. Best of luck. You might try, but I will win. You will laugh too hard or I'll just kick you in the junk and run away giggling. You might even draw on my face. But by then, you are destined to become my friend, or at least a decent acquaintance. I would guess if you took a poll of some of my best friends, and asked them to remember the first few times we hung out, their responses would be eerily similar. He was wild, he was an asshole, but it was funny. He caused a scene, but I pissed myself. He passed out, and we all drew on him, and he woke up and laughed it off. We stayed up all night drinking, he hit a telephone pole backing up his car, and didn't even get mad- he laughed it off and continued on. Those things make me unique?

An example of all of this is my soon to be roomate's ex girlfriend. She turned to me once when we were drunk, and said, hey Dane, ya know... I hated you when I first met you. Like hated you. But now I can honestly say you're funny, definitely an asshole, and it's all okay.
Aw hun, words from the bottom of your heart. But that's just the thing; with me, there is no bullshit. I don't change how I am to appeal to anyone, unless we're talking about older women or a boss. In that case, I will be a personality whore. But otherwise, you will always get the same from me, always. Almost guaranteed. So it's not that I am changing, which is why this whole mold idea came about. It can't be that I am going out of my way to satisfy everyone, that takes too much effort... instead, I must grow on people. Sick comparison, but so true.