Advice hour.

And for my next trick, relationships. The secret to everything about them is about to be revealed, I suggest you sit down for this one. Some women are always talking about how they only attract assholes; normally you will hear a guy complaining that every women he dates is a psycho. We have all heard it, yet we probably never stop to think about why this is true. Is it possible we are really out just to be with assholes or psychos? YES! Not because she is a bad person, or he is into being stalked; it’s something I consider to be biological and determined early on in life, mostly by what your parents go for. Many of us have also heard that we set out to date someone like our parent of the opposite gender. Not nearly the truth. The reason is no one ever thinks they are actually setting out to date someone that his or her mother/father would date. Plain and simple. So the reason this whole cliché was started is because, when you think about it, the person you are going to date is most likely someone your parent or guardian would have dated back before that 9 month mistake they named you. To my point. Each one of us has a set threshold in our brains. For women, the threshold is how much asshole they can take, because we all know all men are assholes, to varying degrees. For men, the threshold is how much psycho they can take, because, again, we know all women are psychos, to varying degrees. And that is how relationships begin. You meet a person, determine his level of asshole or psycho, and then measure it against your threshold and make the oh so important choice. But there is a curveball to the mix. In the beginning of almost all relationships, it’s too cute to be able to determine these levels. Guys don’t start to be assholes until they know you are nearly wrapped around their finger and you are hooking up consistently. At the same time, women will creep in with their subtle attempts to tie the guy down and/or test his commitment. Such things as: Grabbing the remote, asking us to stay in on a Friday night instead of going out with the boys, getting angry if we don’t call a few times a day, etc. Women don’t start to pour on the psycho until the men pull this and they decide they want to kick the shit out of that nice guy that wooed them and then bounced. So any relationship formed before this point is simply for lust because someone wants some action and/or was drunk. That or you are an extreme exception to the norm and I’m not writing an addendum to cover your random story you son of a bitch! People, people, this is a generalization, just like stereotypes, not everyone fits it perfectly; but enough do to make a point of it.

Two major things will ruin a relationship, and are probably responsible for more than half of the arguments, breakups and former which leads to the latter. Number one, plain and simple, is sex. Not enough sex, too much sex (is there such thing? Unfortunately, to some, there is), boring sex, freaky sex; it can kill a perfectly good relationship. Here’s the scoop. People are normally too afraid to talk about anything sex related with a partner. Instead they wait until the next day and tell their best friend how he was done in three minutes or how she farted two times. That or you wait until you have a few drinks in you and bring it up around not only the person involved but friends of yours and really cause a problem. My philosophy, believe it or not, is to speak what is on your mind. While it may seem brash and occasionally out of line, it gets to the point. There are no secrets that way. Tell him how you like it, tell her what movements feel good, get it out there and have some good fucking sex. Nothing could be healthier to a relationship. This leads to the second thing that ruins every relationship, and is intertwined with sex: communication. Outside of the bedroom as well, it can cause a host of problems to keep certain things inside. Hate how he burps out loud but you just won’t say anything? Or how she drinks the OJ right out of the container? These little things can lead up to explosive confrontations if not addressed. In the relationships I have been in, I make it clear from day one the only two things I really am passionate about are honesty and openness. Without those two things, it will never last. The phrases “forget it” or, “nevermind, it’s stupid” should not even exist. When I am with someone and she says that to me, I will bug her until she gets it out, because otherwise it will come out two weeks later when we are battling over what a mess my room is or because I need too much sex, something like that. I dare all you people in relationships to step it up, say what you’re thinking and watch how you can get the bullshit out of the way and enjoy each other that much more. This is all within reason however. If there are problems that cannot be fixed, or major issues linked with communication or sex, might as well give up now. If you hate cats and she loves cats, good luck compromising. Either you are going to love cats or you are going to hate yourself, sorry buddy. If you hate football, good luck being with him from September to February. Pull out a school girl’s outfit you know he loves, buy her a rose and tell her she looks beautiful just because. Say you will stop leaving the toilet seat up, take notice, she will. Tell him you don’t mind football as long as halftime is all about her. Then sit back, and watch the little heart bubbles. God I’m making myself sick here with this romance!