I might compare myself to mold. Or a virus?

Over the years, it has come to my attention that I am not easy... to swallow, for lack of a better, more cliche phrase. My brutal, honest approach to things has gotten me slapped, kicked, beaten, and occasionally- loved. But I have been working hard, and long, with a team of scientists, a few Asians (you NEED the Asians) teamed up with an abacus, some dry ice to make it look like chemicals having crazy chemical reactions, and a monkey or two just to entertain me with their feces throwing and temper tantrums.

Alas, I have found a scientific equation that equals liking, or hating, Dane. The first 3 (Three) times you meet me, you probably will not like me. This depends on the situation. If we are talking about a date, you might love me, and hate yourself, on date number one. If we are talking about a drunken situation, you might not like me. I tend to pick on the weak minded to entertain others. Yes, I am an entertainer. But don't get me wrong, I am not overtly evil. In fact, when I do get into make fun of people mode, it is normally because I can do it in such a way that I appear genuine, and they don't even know. It's like a game that never ends, and boy, do I have fun.

So the first time you meet me, I might be brash, brazen, and outspoken. Normally people do not like that. Why? I get some attention, others are craving. That or they can't keep up with me. Something along those lines. Getting past the first meeting without hating me isn't tough, but it is a slight challenge. Once you get over the hump, if you can look past the initial shock that a person like myself exists, and says the things he does; it's all relatively downhill from there. Once the shock wears off, and blood begins to flow back to the rest of your body, you might realize, I am actually funny. But funny in a wildly witty, sometimes out of control way. But isn't that the allure? I get bored with more of the same, you always need someone a little more out there to keep you entertained. There is a fine line between entertainment, and trouble. I don't cause fights, I don't cause arrests, I don't get people kicked out of bars- I just entertain.

The second time we meet, you might warm up to me a little more. Hell, you might even throw in your own two cents along the wild lines that I live my life by. Good luck, get this far and I definitely am like a mold. You can almost feel me growing on you, and the strongest bleach isn't going to stop me. That is, unless you splash it directly on my actual face. Then I might just squeal and kick and cry and say DUDE WHY DID YOU JUST THROW BLEACH ON ME? To which you would reply, well Dane, I read your blog. That or you want to take over the world, and I am standing in your path. I tend to do that a lot. I'm like a better looking Brain. Pinky was too dumb, but man, did he get the chicks (mice?). Speaking of the plural for animals, some female, of course, really tried to convince me the other day that the plural, for goose, is goose. Nothing I said could convince her otherwise. People like that, you just let go on in their stupidity, and attack them for it later. That is what it takes to be me, really. But I don't want to get sidetracked here, you are already lost and wondering why I am mold.

The third time we hang out, you must not hate me. Or you hate me so much you just want to wait until I am drunk and try to beat me up, be it physically, or emotionally. Best of luck. You might try, but I will win. You will laugh too hard or I'll just kick you in the junk and run away giggling. You might even draw on my face. But by then, you are destined to become my friend, or at least a decent acquaintance. I would guess if you took a poll of some of my best friends, and asked them to remember the first few times we hung out, their responses would be eerily similar. He was wild, he was an asshole, but it was funny. He caused a scene, but I pissed myself. He passed out, and we all drew on him, and he woke up and laughed it off. We stayed up all night drinking, he hit a telephone pole backing up his car, and didn't even get mad- he laughed it off and continued on. Those things make me unique?

An example of all of this is my soon to be roomate's ex girlfriend. She turned to me once when we were drunk, and said, hey Dane, ya know... I hated you when I first met you. Like hated you. But now I can honestly say you're funny, definitely an asshole, and it's all okay.
Aw hun, words from the bottom of your heart. But that's just the thing; with me, there is no bullshit. I don't change how I am to appeal to anyone, unless we're talking about older women or a boss. In that case, I will be a personality whore. But otherwise, you will always get the same from me, always. Almost guaranteed. So it's not that I am changing, which is why this whole mold idea came about. It can't be that I am going out of my way to satisfy everyone, that takes too much effort... instead, I must grow on people. Sick comparison, but so true.