random

Ever had a q-tip in your urethra? Probably not huh? Let me tell you, it's thrilling. The things we do to assure our health, eh? Good story behind this one. But the best part, the doc turns to me, and says "So... what does that feel like?" Uhh doc, what the? "Well, all my patients ask me, but I've never had it done so I don't know what to tell them!"
I wanted to strangle him at that point.
That and take 80 grit sandpaper to his nuts for a few minutes. Well doc, it's a lot of fun, but can you take the q-tip OUT before you ask another question?

I was afraid to pee for 4 hours. FOUR FUCKING HOURS, I had to sit there, whimpering, hoping it wouldn't burn like I actually had something going on down there. Son of a bitch. But hey, not everything is easily tested for. So roll those sleeves up and pull those pants down and get it done for the sake of your own damn safety and those poor innocent bastards that might sleep with you.

In my defense, I didn't get it done because I was worried about anything- at the time I had been with my girlfriend for about a year. Funny thing is, she calls me up crying her eyes out, yelling at me that I gave her chlamydia. WHOA
hold up

WHAT? ME? I didn't even cheat on her, there was no way I could have had it... did I have it the whole time? ME, the human sexuality "major" (my focus in psychology) could I possibly have been so dumb? I ran through all the scenarios, pretending to be ignorant for once. Well, I thought, I was in that hot tub, I used a public toilet... wait a second you stupid fuck you cant get chlamydia from that. God damn! What happened? Was I taken advantage of while passed out? I can't see that as being any fun for any girl whatsoever. I had to spend hours talking to her trying to figure something out- blaming her for cheating on me, doing anything. I had a miserable girlfriend whom I loved and cared about more than some bacteria growing in my dingaling- and I knew I had done nothing wrong... I knew it. I had to spend the next week waiting for my appointment, for the semi-moist qtip... miserable. Not for myself, but for a woman who put all the trust in the world in me, and somehow, some way, it all fucked up in the blink of an eye.

So, that's why I got tested. Guess what? Negative, I had nothin. Oh, was that the MOST fun conversation I have ever had with a girlfriend or what. That is told ya so, on a level so high, it's beyond space, beyond time. I think she owed me whatever I wanted for the next 3 months. Guess what? She calls up her doc... and the doc sayssssssssssssss
Oh... well there's a chance it was a false positive.


So, people. The qtip, is a necessary evil.