Bumper Stickers
Random and wonderful. Inspired by a new book I am reading my George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty. If you are even a remote fan of his, please go get the book- it is HILARIOUS. If you like any of the weird, random shit I write- you would probably enjoy his book as well. Ok George, did I suck your balls hard enough for that sponsorship money now?
Anyway, bumper stickers. Amusing, disgusting, worthless. My personal favorites, are those with political bullshit strewn across them. People still have bumper stickers that says "BUSH FOR PRESIDENT 92". Come on now. Unlike bell bottoms, that "trend" cannot come back and be cool. There is no such thing as retro when you have a sticker on your bumper advertising a President you voted for. You are a loser. Plus everyone knows those tightwad conservatives would never place something on their car that could devalue it, or cause it to be less aesthetically pleasing. Remember, it's about the appearance! They also would not be driving 92 Sentras... but hey, I digress. Stupid poser Republicans.
Something else that irks me- the Sunoco bumper stickers. I'm sorry but a gas station, is a fucking gas station. We all need them, and more often than not will go to the closest one when we are in need of gas. We all know about the cheap corner bodega gas mart that is 3 cents cheaper than everywhere else, but do you really want that shit in your tank? I've seen it come out in powder form. The homeless won't even ask you for change at those gas stations, because they know you can't spare any! They're so ghetto instead of a computer with a running tally there's a man next you to counting out how much you owe. "FOURTY-FIVE OH ONE"
SON OF A BITCH! I wanted it at an even dollar.
But seriously, you get discount oil changes for keeping this ugly, square, Sunoco bumper sticker on your car. It will not blend in with your vehicle, it will not make it look cooler. But I'm wondering what the execs up at Sunoco were thinking- hmm, we really need to establish ourselves as a cornerstone in the market.... we should advertise on bumpers!
Like seeing that sticker will make me want Sunoco. You don't see Pepsi advertising on bumpers- nah, they use whole cars! Way more effective. If someone has a McDonalds bumper sticker, and someone else had a Burger King bumper sticker... do you think they would try to crash into eachother? "TAKE THIS YOU KING SIZE LOSER"
Anyway, bumper stickers are lame, if I didn't make my point yet. It is a way for dejected emo fatties to display their love for fairies and being crazy- fantastic, it really brings out the shine in your 87 Taurus. If you want attention, cut yourself and whine about it. Or get a Myspace account and pretend you are just on there "because everyone else is and my friends totally made me do it".
Then there are the parents who proudly display that their child is an honor roll student at Retard Elementary in Dumbfuck, New Mexico. Give me a GOD DAMN BREAK! You could drink your own urine, snort glue until it started to actually feel good, sleep through every class, pick your nose through recess, and still make honor roll. Guess what parents? IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. And that same little bastard is going to fail through high school because alcohol and sex is discovered and cost you 25K a year for some out of state institution where more of the aforementioned sinning will occur, and then where is the bumper sticker? Sucker.
But the funniest bumper sticker I have ever seen is a play on this.
"I had sex with your honor roll student" from Generic School USA. Just pure fucking gold. I could see Matthew McConaughey rollin around in that piece right now, pack of butts rolled up in his sleeve.
Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy.
Anyway, bumper stickers. Amusing, disgusting, worthless. My personal favorites, are those with political bullshit strewn across them. People still have bumper stickers that says "BUSH FOR PRESIDENT 92". Come on now. Unlike bell bottoms, that "trend" cannot come back and be cool. There is no such thing as retro when you have a sticker on your bumper advertising a President you voted for. You are a loser. Plus everyone knows those tightwad conservatives would never place something on their car that could devalue it, or cause it to be less aesthetically pleasing. Remember, it's about the appearance! They also would not be driving 92 Sentras... but hey, I digress. Stupid poser Republicans.
Something else that irks me- the Sunoco bumper stickers. I'm sorry but a gas station, is a fucking gas station. We all need them, and more often than not will go to the closest one when we are in need of gas. We all know about the cheap corner bodega gas mart that is 3 cents cheaper than everywhere else, but do you really want that shit in your tank? I've seen it come out in powder form. The homeless won't even ask you for change at those gas stations, because they know you can't spare any! They're so ghetto instead of a computer with a running tally there's a man next you to counting out how much you owe. "FOURTY-FIVE OH ONE"
SON OF A BITCH! I wanted it at an even dollar.
But seriously, you get discount oil changes for keeping this ugly, square, Sunoco bumper sticker on your car. It will not blend in with your vehicle, it will not make it look cooler. But I'm wondering what the execs up at Sunoco were thinking- hmm, we really need to establish ourselves as a cornerstone in the market.... we should advertise on bumpers!
Like seeing that sticker will make me want Sunoco. You don't see Pepsi advertising on bumpers- nah, they use whole cars! Way more effective. If someone has a McDonalds bumper sticker, and someone else had a Burger King bumper sticker... do you think they would try to crash into eachother? "TAKE THIS YOU KING SIZE LOSER"
Anyway, bumper stickers are lame, if I didn't make my point yet. It is a way for dejected emo fatties to display their love for fairies and being crazy- fantastic, it really brings out the shine in your 87 Taurus. If you want attention, cut yourself and whine about it. Or get a Myspace account and pretend you are just on there "because everyone else is and my friends totally made me do it".
Then there are the parents who proudly display that their child is an honor roll student at Retard Elementary in Dumbfuck, New Mexico. Give me a GOD DAMN BREAK! You could drink your own urine, snort glue until it started to actually feel good, sleep through every class, pick your nose through recess, and still make honor roll. Guess what parents? IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. And that same little bastard is going to fail through high school because alcohol and sex is discovered and cost you 25K a year for some out of state institution where more of the aforementioned sinning will occur, and then where is the bumper sticker? Sucker.
But the funniest bumper sticker I have ever seen is a play on this.
"I had sex with your honor roll student" from Generic School USA. Just pure fucking gold. I could see Matthew McConaughey rollin around in that piece right now, pack of butts rolled up in his sleeve.
Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy.
posted by official dynasty at
5:18 PM
1 Comments:
i could easily lose an hour reading the bumper stickers/ buttons/postcards at newbury comics. im partial to blasphemy, but my recent favorite is:
i'm just a social drinker, but i smoke crack like a motherfucker.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home