Describe yourself.

I was recently reminded of the "elevator pitch". Suppose you have no more than 45 seconds to sell yourself to anyone that asks, what would you say? Most of you would sit there and wind up with something along these lines:
"I like to have fun and I think I am a people person".
Yawn, how thrilling.

But seriously, when did we lose touch with what we are, and what makes us unique? Granted, some of us really are just boring, run of the mill, bump in the road types. Those people will never make impacts in anyone's lives except the dog or cat they choose to feed a different type of food once a week. Now THAT is excitement.

Each one of us is on public display in some form or another. In the most basic, plenty of people have profiles, on Myspace or the like. And in the section, it asks you to describe yourself. Great, talk about a time for creativity. Completely open ended, run with it. Creativity and imagination is what can separate us. Though minds might think alike, in the end, there is always a twist to each that no one else would really have. So how can someone fuck that up, huh?

Apparently pretty easily. Take a glance at a few people, and what they have to say. I can guarantee at least half, if not more, will talk about how they are "down to earth" and "like to have fun". WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? First off, we are all down to Earth, that is just called gravity. Thank you for that explanation. And someone who has to explain his or herself as such, is probably completely nuts. If you aren't done yawning after that, move on a little. It continues on to tell you the person's name and nicknames. No one gives a shit. Your nickname could be Rabbit Testicles, it probably means absolutely nothing to a stranger, and you sure as fuck don't want a stranger calling you by a name given to you for a reason, by close peers. To be honest, I sometimes get a little weirded out when someone I don't know, never will know, sends me a message and calls me by my first name. I don't advertise it, it just happens to be everywhere.

But seriously, what are you shooting for? I'm beyond half asleep, and I know nothing about you except your body happens to follow the laws of physics and you like to have "fun". Potentially the most subjective word that could ever be used. Some people have fun getting wasted and fighting. Some like getting high and eating. Some like burning things or cutting themselves. There is no DICTIONARY definition, of what can be considered fun, that is standard across the board.

I think the real problem lies in our ability to judge ourselves. Listen, I may not know all of my faults, but I sure know a few. I used to have a temper, I think I have come a long way from those days- but hey, I'm Italian (it's called my unfair scapegoat). I also am too honest, if you couldn't tell, which has somehow these days turned into a fault. I say fuck you to anyone who still agrees with this, why are you reading my blog? But I can point those things out. No one is... "perfect" in every sense. We are all a little crazy or have our asshole tendencies or happen to be into weird kinky shit that only websites agree with. Why can nobody seem to embrace that? I like to think I keep mine interesting enough that people actually send me messages saying they laughed. Good. I'm glad I didn't say "Hi this is Tony I like lifting weights and doing my hair smelling all nice for the ladies and making out, who wants to meet me?"

The elevator pitch is a wonderful thing to think about. Assume you are riding an elevator with some big wig, and he turns and says "sell yourself to me now before my stop". How many people would panic or turn red and say something dumb along the lines of "I work hard and like to smile". Great dickhead, some slut that offered to polish his knob just got the job because she explained why she liked titty fucking over getting her masters degree. So all I ask, is we stop bullshitting about the mundane, pretentious bullshit that could be used to describe ANYONE. Dig a little, if you're asked to describe yourself... think about what could separate you from the others. Or admit you are a worthless culturally assimilating piece of obeying dog shit. Either way, at least the awkward introductions are out of the way.

Don't mess with electricity, it always wins.

I came home lastnight, really drunk. Go figure. I was alone too, my roomates were all still out and i was friggin exhausted from drinking too much. So I step into the house and all the power is out. I mean everything. Picture trying to fix this when you're hammered, alone, and your phone is dying and the only source of light you have left. Oh, and you just called your ex girlfriend that you haven't talked to in years because she was under the person's name you were actually trying to call. Excellent start.

I stumble down to the basement without killing myself, somehow, and check the circuits. They looked okay, but I (THOUGHT I) reset them all anyway to be sure. Nope no juice. Okay I'm hammered anyway guess it's bed time. No late night myspacing or pornography, very very sad drunk Dane. I fell going back up the steps also, I think twice. My shin hurts.

So this morning rolls around and some of the lights are on in the house. But not the important stuff like my AC, whatever. Now I'm pissed and cursing out the electrical company. I go downstairs, at least it's light out, but I'm hungover and can't see well. Check the circuits again, all lined up, okay whatever bedtime part deux.

Now it's getting late, half the lights are still on. I shed a tear because myspace is so far away and I start thinking about how to string extension cords to make this happen. Last trip to the circuit breaker I swear.

and then it hits me. Half the lights are on, because, genius, drunk, tired, can barely see Dane decided to flip half of the switches to the OFF POSITION. Yes, I am an idiot. Yes, it was funny, to me. And yes, NSTAR and I are about to have some makeup sex. SHOCKING, isn't it? OH, the puns. I'll never talk shit about electricity again.

The fun little phrase

It's amazing how someone can preface ANYTHING they want to say, with one little phrase, and it can all be forgive, forgotten, or overlooked. There are many variations of the phrase, but they all start the same, and it baffles me everytime someone feels he or she can get away with it.

"I don't mean to be (a)...." (bitch, asshole, complainer, smartass, rude, cynic, prick, etc.) "...but"

The complete irony in this, of course, is that you realize you are sounding and acting exactly what you are saying that you are trying NOT to be. The other person is clearly setup for what is about to come storming across. If you are coherent enough to realize that what you are about to say, just might come out in the wrong way; or be misinterpreted... would you not consider that a sign?
"Wow, this makes me sound like a burning anus, I better warn him that I am trying not to be one in the first place! Then he will take it like a compliment and we can stroll off into the sunset without his fist inside my face. "

How this ever came about, I have no clue. If you are going to be a raging bitch, just straight up be one. The English language is best at hiding the true meanings behind things said. People will hide behind this phrase and assume all is well because it comes with a disclaimer. Fuck that! You give me some and I'll throw it right back at you. Because, if you truly don't mean to be an asshole, you won't follow it up with the tone and manner of saying what you are about to say. Imagine if this worked in all situations, how easy life would be.
"Hey boss, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a fucking douchebag. Yeah man, you piss me off and when I go home I pray that you die a horrible death and your cunt of a wife marries me so I can have sex with her out of spite and pee on her when I'm done. R KELLY BEYOTCH. But, again, man who pays me, I'm not trying to be rude.... I just had to explain myself."

Wouldn't that just be great! Or my personal potential favorite
"Hunny, I'm not trying to be picky, but that shirt really makes your titties look smaller than they are. And I really would rather my friends not call me out on being part of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee when you aren't around. So, again, not to be picky, but here are a couple tubesocks." That or anything related to how a skirt makes her look fat or extremely slutty.

But hey, as long as you say the disclaimer! The other party is forced, against his or her will, to waive all rights to being pissed off and punching you in the God damn mouth. Cause after all, it isn't that you are trying to be an asshole, no way. You just want him to know he is terrible in bed but you're okay with it because he still has money. And you have another boyfriend for the places he cannot fill you properly.

And I wonder, do they say something like that in other cultures, within America even?
Hey Paco, I'm not trying to be a dick, but your car is fucking a fucking SPIVIC. Thanks for helping to keep the Mexican stereotype alive. The plastic spinners you bought at Walmart aren't working either. And you might want to take off the Mexican flag seat covers, I don't think it adds value to your '89. And lastly, how do you fit all 12 of your children in that thing when you bring them to sell Chiclets on the corner? Anyway, again, I'm not trying to be a dick. Later Paco!