A rose, by any other name.....

Why do girls call their vagina by such funny names?

Example: Cookie. Unless it is a hidden meaning saying, please eat the god damn thing. What kind of cookie? It doesn't even resemble a baked good normally laden with chocholate chunks, peanut butter, frosting, or the like. Cmon!!!!!!! I guess it's better than calling it a roast beef sandwich or anything it might slightly resemble though...

Example: Cooter. Seriously, what? Who even thought of this? I had to look it up, but there is an actual definition for cooter
1) cooter
n : large river turtle of the southern United States and
northern Mexico
So now a vagina is a slow moving amphibian? I guess I could see the resemblance to hiding in it's shell unless it feels comfortable....

Example: Flower. Alright, maybe if you were a virgin. Because then, you were hopefully still a young teenager, just BLOSSOMING, everything was coming into it's own and life was precious. Then it got tore up by a bunch of cock and now it looks nothing like that pretty rose it once could have been. Save the flower shit, you aren't fooling me, I know what's been in there. And bees have nothing in common with penis.

Example: Tinkerbell. Hot fairy that flies around Peter Pan, an obviously flamboyant and potentially homosexual little boy that "doesn't want to grow up". Is it all a phallic joke? You can't call it that either, that's just weird. Too many syllables, I would get lost somewhere around -er.

There are the forbidden words. No woman, unless in porn, will use the C word. The dreaded C-word. Why is it so evil? I'm missing something. I think it's funny, you know how I love the word SWUNT. So is that why porno chicks are the only ones saying it? Because every guy fantasizes about a babe telling him to fuck her cunt? That doesn't turn me on, I kinda wanna wash her mouth out with soap instead.
"How DARE you! This is over! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth??"
"No.. but I just kissed your...."

Anyway. Most other nicknames only come out in the heat of passion. Pussy, and any adjective to describe it's current state are probably the most common. But no woman outside of being turned on is likely to say that in a serious manner. And twat is just a British insult, and since I hate the Brits because their food sucks and their teeth are ugly, I will not call it a twat. And you shouldn't either. The Brits are too anal, literally.

Anyway, just a random question/thought/opinion/idea/mad rant....

Smelly smells

I was posed with a question today walking home from the bus: What body part smelling in public is the most offensive?

There is some backstory to it all, of course. There is a girl who rides the same bus that I do downtown, and she has terrible personal hygiene. Her hair looks like a fucking birds nest. And it's red. It's a mess, it's all over the place, clearly she doesn't take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to shower- which is okay for some but... make yourself look somewhat presentable. Seriously. To top it off, not only is she a GINGER, not only does she have a cardinal's nest atop her head.. you should have seen her outfit. A skirt with black leggings, go figure. AND, some weird hiking sneaker type shoe, to go with her smelly everything. In fact she is probably wearing the same underwear she did lastnight. She's the kinda girl you wind up dating and always wondering what the smell is, worried that it's you. Nope, think again.

Anyway, as I'm walking home talking about how I want to drive by and spray her with deodorant and soap and powerwash her stank ass, that question was posed, with a few options.
a) Ass
b) Feet
c) Breath
d) Armpits

Let's start with A) Ass. I can't say I can distinctly remember a time when I said, man, that ass smells terrible. Except I am a guy, and when guys get together, they fart. Normally a lot, and make a spectacle of it. So I have thought to myself
"Man, something died in his anus lastnight" or,
"I am never sharing Taco Bell with him again". But those are just spurts, that is not the actual ass reeking, but the delicious food digesting and noxious gases being produced. Though there are all times when we play around too much, basketball or the like, and we are dripping head to toe and our boxers are deep inside the very crack of our asses- even then, we just smell like a sweaty fucking mess. I'm not sure I can distinguish the smell of just a stank ass. Maybe we'll have an experiment. Likely not.

B) Feet. Now those can smell bad. But normally you won't get a good sniff of feet unless they are in your face. The beauty of stinky feet is just that. They are FEET, and we can walk on them, keeping them as far away from our nose as possible. This does not apply to the vertically challenged (trying out something P.C. for once) or animals, that apparently have a much more keen sense of smell than humans. But maybe the stronger the sense of smell, the more delicious it is. Who knows, maybe sweaty feet smell like pot roast to a dog. Anyway, they can smell, but the only time that would matter is if you are getting intimate and the feet are flying in your face, or if you get stuck sleeping head to toe with someone. Or when someone takes off their shoe and shoves it in your face, but again, mostly a male thing.

C) Breath. Now this one can be killer, and way harder to avoid. Because some people are just close talkers, and you have no choice. It is real hard to assert your personal space to someone with absolutely no understanding of the concept, especially in situations such as the workplace, or a close friend at a party or somewhere crammed (elevator). And normally, those who talk the closest, also have the stankiest breath. That or they spit a lot when speaking. Always something. Bad breath is pretty friggin bad, and the person never takes the subtle hint to chew some gum when offered. This is definitely number two on my list of stanky stanks.

D) AND THE WINNER IS- ARMPITS. Not to be biased but I can think of a few groups of people that just absolutely do not beleive in deodorant, and I have no fucking clue why. And everywhere these people go, they stink up rooms, buildings, arenas. It is absolutely disgusting, and there is no hiding it. Stinky ass is contained to a small area, stinky feet are contained to shoes and normally far away from the olfactory senses. Stinky breath is cured with eating or avoidance of nose to mouth proximity. But stinky armpits? Good luck. There is no escape. It radiates, as if the entire body can produce the smell of unwashed armpits. It is without a doubt overwhelming, and the most offensive smell the body produces continually. (Note: a fart is equally as debilitating at times but, that lasts but for a few seconds before fading. We are talking about stinks that last) There is NO getting used to this smell. And it normally travels in packs. Because, cmon, who would hang out alone with someone that reeks like that? There needs to be a small support group, a travelling stink bomb. I fucking hate people that refuse to cover up this smell. I don't give a shit if you don't believe in it, you are offending others and remember, I want to, and if drunk, might punch you in the face for being a fucking prick and not realizing it.

Being a non-smoker, there is another smell that all non-smokers join in and can agree is equally terrible, because it can rub off. That is the smell of someone who just smoked a nice big cigarette, in which they probably inhaled less than 1/3 of the thing, while their skin, clothes, and hair absorbed the rest, and absorbed it well. If you want to go around smelling like a fucking ashtray, be my guest. I don't care, I probably won't make out with you though. But if you want to smell like that shit, and then sit next to me on a fucking bus, I might push you out of the seat. Because I'll be damned if I am going to smell like that cancer you are forcing everyone else to deal with, you nasty bastard. I won't judge you for being hooked, for having yellow teeth and coughing constantly and having nasty hair and clothes- but don't drag me into your smoke filled world. It's dirty and smelly and leaves a film all over you and everything you own. Deeeeeeeelicious.

a... goodbye kiss?

Face it: some people hook up and never talk again. One night stands, whether intentional or not, happen all the time, especially in my age group. There are tons of reasons the relationship doesn't continue:
Dude is a douchebag, girl is a sloppy bitch, something smelled bad or someone farted, bad kissing, small penis, big vagina, whatever. There are thousands of reasons that can keep a relationship from going past the initial hook up, be it just kissing and cuddling or wild double penetration.

Yet, whether the person stays or not, there is always the awkward "afterwards" stage, when no one really knows what to do, and it's really uncomfortable. Especially if you have to drive the person home. What do you do? Hold hands? Who the fuck wants to hold hands with someone, and not know the other person's last name? Or anything about that person except he was good in bed but he needs deodorant. Or she did that great thing with her tongue but man did she have a gap in her teef. Yes teef. Probably the most awkward point, and my focal point of this whole scenario, is the final kiss. Some people consider kissing extremely intimate. I agree. I think kissing can tell you a lot about a person. How reserved or wild they are, skill level at certain things- I believe you can figure out almost entirely how good someone will be sexually, based solely on their kissing ability. Call me crazy, but you are thinking deep down somewhere that I am probably right.

So what's up with this last kiss? Especially seeing as it is more likely than not, a goodbye kiss. But goodbye forever. Like, "Hey, thanks for the poon you dirty hooker, but your cooter is bigger than a pint glass and smelled like it needed a couple washings. I'll talk to you never". Or, "thanks dude. I know you think you're great in bed, but you got off in about 3 minutes. I only moaned because you have huge balls and they slapped against my ass pretty hard. In fact, it was more of a pain yelp"

Is it obligatory? Do we just not know what else to do? Is that both parties, feigning interest in seeing eachother again? What is the deal with all of this! I WANT ANSWERS! Is the guy trying to be nice, and pretend he isn't a huge douchebag? Give it up, she probably used you just as much if not more than you used her. Unless she said the words "I love you" during the act. Then you should be really nervous and kiss her so you don't lose a testicle, and then change your address and fast. Or does the woman just feel bad, knowing the poor sap is probably all into her now cause she has a bangin body? Please girl, you're like the Cleveland Browns. Nice uniform, ugly helmet. He's kissing you when no one is looking.

All in all, think about it for a second. Depending on how wild a time you may have had- you actually DO know where that mouth has been. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dissection of a phrase.

It is that fateful day. What will forever be, one week before my birthday, also happens to be the anniversary of the biggest tragedy to strike American soil. Around this time is also football season, which makes a big deal out of it all. And then creeps in the story of the ex-football player turned Armed Forces, Pat Tillman. He stopped playing football to go to the Middle East and fight for his country. Unfortunately, he was killed during a mission by "friendly fire". What the fuck kind of phrase is that?

friendly fire
      n : fire that injures or kills an ally

Okay, I understand WHAT it means. He was accidentally shot either by crossfire or by someone who thought he was the enemy. That much I can comprehend.... I just want to know who tagged it with such a ridiculous name. FRIENDLY, FIRE. There is nothing FRIENDLY about bullets being shot AT, and hopefully not into, your body and/or face. I cannot think of something LESS friendly. Assume, best case scenario, the sharpshooter there misses taking off your left nut by a hair. What can he say?
"Shit, sorry bro, you suddenly looked way tanner and in need of a shave. But hey, it's cool right? Friendly fire maaaaaan. Let's get some beers and eat some goat."

I see nothing, NOTHING that could even be potentially friendly about shooting in the general direction of an ally. Nor do I understand how it seems to happen so often. I thought the first thing you were taught in a firefight is to avoid the possibility of crossfire by not standing ACROSS FROM YOUR MAN SHOOTING IN YOUR DIRECTION. But what do I know, I'm just a civilian.

Collateral Damage, at least that makes sense. That's a good way for the government to say, lightly, we bombed a bunch of bad guys but there also happened to be eighteen innocent women and children in the way. But hey, WE GOT THOSE BAD GUYS! The rest, eh, ya know, move the fuck out of the blast radius next time. Hiroshima would be a decent example where calling it "collateral damage" is a fantastic way to excuse reducing an island to rubble. Because there must have been at least six or seven people in that zone that were responsible for Pearl Harbor attacks, right?

I can think of way more things I would rather be friendly. I would rather someone Friendly Sleeps with my Girlfriend, or Friendly Feeds my dog Chocolate. I would rather someone Friendly Stabs me in the Foot. At least those give me a good chance of getting the motherfucker back with something way less friendly. In this case, not only are you losing a friend, you're losing all your damn friends. So what kind of glory is there in this phrase? Is it a better way to say "Fucked Up Fire" or "Holy Shit Oops I Hope I don't get Demoted but Damn he Always Kinda Pissed me off Anyway Fire"? What's the story here, I want details. I want it to be changed.

Ex-friendly fire. Enemy Attempted Fire. Anything but friendly, cause nothin quite says companionship LESS than armor piercing bullets flying at your dome.

Again.... what do I know?