Smelly smells

I was posed with a question today walking home from the bus: What body part smelling in public is the most offensive?

There is some backstory to it all, of course. There is a girl who rides the same bus that I do downtown, and she has terrible personal hygiene. Her hair looks like a fucking birds nest. And it's red. It's a mess, it's all over the place, clearly she doesn't take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to shower- which is okay for some but... make yourself look somewhat presentable. Seriously. To top it off, not only is she a GINGER, not only does she have a cardinal's nest atop her head.. you should have seen her outfit. A skirt with black leggings, go figure. AND, some weird hiking sneaker type shoe, to go with her smelly everything. In fact she is probably wearing the same underwear she did lastnight. She's the kinda girl you wind up dating and always wondering what the smell is, worried that it's you. Nope, think again.

Anyway, as I'm walking home talking about how I want to drive by and spray her with deodorant and soap and powerwash her stank ass, that question was posed, with a few options.
a) Ass
b) Feet
c) Breath
d) Armpits

Let's start with A) Ass. I can't say I can distinctly remember a time when I said, man, that ass smells terrible. Except I am a guy, and when guys get together, they fart. Normally a lot, and make a spectacle of it. So I have thought to myself
"Man, something died in his anus lastnight" or,
"I am never sharing Taco Bell with him again". But those are just spurts, that is not the actual ass reeking, but the delicious food digesting and noxious gases being produced. Though there are all times when we play around too much, basketball or the like, and we are dripping head to toe and our boxers are deep inside the very crack of our asses- even then, we just smell like a sweaty fucking mess. I'm not sure I can distinguish the smell of just a stank ass. Maybe we'll have an experiment. Likely not.

B) Feet. Now those can smell bad. But normally you won't get a good sniff of feet unless they are in your face. The beauty of stinky feet is just that. They are FEET, and we can walk on them, keeping them as far away from our nose as possible. This does not apply to the vertically challenged (trying out something P.C. for once) or animals, that apparently have a much more keen sense of smell than humans. But maybe the stronger the sense of smell, the more delicious it is. Who knows, maybe sweaty feet smell like pot roast to a dog. Anyway, they can smell, but the only time that would matter is if you are getting intimate and the feet are flying in your face, or if you get stuck sleeping head to toe with someone. Or when someone takes off their shoe and shoves it in your face, but again, mostly a male thing.

C) Breath. Now this one can be killer, and way harder to avoid. Because some people are just close talkers, and you have no choice. It is real hard to assert your personal space to someone with absolutely no understanding of the concept, especially in situations such as the workplace, or a close friend at a party or somewhere crammed (elevator). And normally, those who talk the closest, also have the stankiest breath. That or they spit a lot when speaking. Always something. Bad breath is pretty friggin bad, and the person never takes the subtle hint to chew some gum when offered. This is definitely number two on my list of stanky stanks.

D) AND THE WINNER IS- ARMPITS. Not to be biased but I can think of a few groups of people that just absolutely do not beleive in deodorant, and I have no fucking clue why. And everywhere these people go, they stink up rooms, buildings, arenas. It is absolutely disgusting, and there is no hiding it. Stinky ass is contained to a small area, stinky feet are contained to shoes and normally far away from the olfactory senses. Stinky breath is cured with eating or avoidance of nose to mouth proximity. But stinky armpits? Good luck. There is no escape. It radiates, as if the entire body can produce the smell of unwashed armpits. It is without a doubt overwhelming, and the most offensive smell the body produces continually. (Note: a fart is equally as debilitating at times but, that lasts but for a few seconds before fading. We are talking about stinks that last) There is NO getting used to this smell. And it normally travels in packs. Because, cmon, who would hang out alone with someone that reeks like that? There needs to be a small support group, a travelling stink bomb. I fucking hate people that refuse to cover up this smell. I don't give a shit if you don't believe in it, you are offending others and remember, I want to, and if drunk, might punch you in the face for being a fucking prick and not realizing it.

Being a non-smoker, there is another smell that all non-smokers join in and can agree is equally terrible, because it can rub off. That is the smell of someone who just smoked a nice big cigarette, in which they probably inhaled less than 1/3 of the thing, while their skin, clothes, and hair absorbed the rest, and absorbed it well. If you want to go around smelling like a fucking ashtray, be my guest. I don't care, I probably won't make out with you though. But if you want to smell like that shit, and then sit next to me on a fucking bus, I might push you out of the seat. Because I'll be damned if I am going to smell like that cancer you are forcing everyone else to deal with, you nasty bastard. I won't judge you for being hooked, for having yellow teeth and coughing constantly and having nasty hair and clothes- but don't drag me into your smoke filled world. It's dirty and smelly and leaves a film all over you and everything you own. Deeeeeeeelicious.