Fuck Minivans!@!

You know what I hate? Minivans on the highway. I pretty much hate minivans in general, which is why I will never EVER drive one. There is a requirement for my wife: she must absolutely hate minivans as well. I'll drive an SUV (and hate it) only when warranted by family vacations with the kids.

The reason I hate them? The driver never seems to understand that he or she is in a minivan. Living in Massachusetts, people are fucking crazy enough on the roads. But when I am in the "passing lane" on the Pike, going 80, and suddenly there is a fucking huge minivan on my ass, we have a problem.

1) the minivan is a family car. Meaning most times, there is a family in that car. If I find out you are driving 80 on the highway, passing CARS, in your ugly Dodge Caravan, with one or more children in the car, I will rip you out of your car, give you a noogie and indian rug burn, kick you in the junk and babymaker, and let you go on your way. What the fuck is a rush? If you want to drive like an idiot, have the right fucking car.

2) It is a V8 because it has to lug around your fat ass and your old McDonalds bags and screaming brats, not because it wants to swerve around on the highway, IDIOT. If you are irresponsible enough to be driving that way, and late for whatever important dates you are attending, then you are probably too stupid to make sure your children are wearing their seatbelts properly, also. Guess what happens when big fucking minivan speeding out of control gets in an accident? Yes, you have airbags, yipee. But your child just went through the windshield, asshole. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Are you just angry because you feel like less of a man? Way to be father of the year, douchebag. You signed up for soccer mom status when you had 12 children. Shoulda thought of that once you realized you had super sperm and she had fertile grounds. I don't know, get some tubes tied?

No one particularly likes driving, no one likes traffic, and no one is Massachusetts has to drive. But if you have a fucking minivan, stay out of the passing lane. Slow the fuck down, realize who you are, and what you are driving. Cause one day you are going to hit a puddle in that tank, and things won't be so easy.

And on a side note, what ever happened to the baby on board signs? I see a few here and there, but remember when they were the coolest thing ever? I want to address that quickly. What do the people who buy those signs think they do? It's the same cranky fucks in those neighborhoods that buy the "Slow Down: Children at play" signs. FUCK OFF! Teach your kids not to run in front of cars and everything should be okay. I'm not going to drive 10 mph past your house, just in case one of your braindead children throws a ball in the road and goes to chase it. Teach them to play videogames, or with themselves. Way less chance of being roadkill that way.

I'm glad you have a baby in your car, but guess what? If one of us is driving like an asshole, that sign won't stop a collision from happening, idiot. It's not like at the last second, after you blow a red light and I'm too busy paying attention to my phone conversation and gum chewing to see you being a moron, that I will be able to swerve out of the way and hit something else because "SHIT, BABY ON BOARD!" Give me a break.

I blame technology!

Unfortunately, there is a fad I was hoping would die quickly. Or, at least, be used sparingly and only when necessary. I was dead wrong.

Ever since this whole bluetooth thing came about, people everywhere have the need to try and look cool by wearing it, everywhere. Just one problem with that: you look like a fucking idiot, and people that don't see it think for a while you are giggling and talking to yourself, not a great first impression.

Bluetooth headsets have one use and one use only: talking while driving. There are few other times you would need to use both hands and focus on something while talking. Of course there is a pass for phone sex, I can see the need for a headset there. But that isn't in public. And if someone is talking you through making an origami crane, I might let it slide. But here's an example that doesn't make you cool.

I was in Circuit City a few weeks ago and saw a couple of fat 30 something dudes walking around together, trying to be studs. Two problems with that. They had bluetooth headsets in, just walking around shopping, probably trying to call the hot babe they met the night before at the bar! Did I mention they were fatties too? So not only were their belts bursting below their behemoth guts, they also had their flashy phones conveniently mounted somewhere by their FUPAs. This is a case where these guys may have actually been talking to themselves. Even the fake self esteem wasn't coming off well. I don't even work at the store and I wanted to strangle these two. On their stupid phones in line? That's going too far. If you go somewhere with a friend, doesn't that eliminate the need to desperately find someone to talk to, so you can try and show off your firm grasp of new technology? And talk about being rude, who the fuck gave you permission to have a conversation while trying to check out? Not only are you holding up the line (see: Me, behind you, getting pissed) you are confusing the clerk and she wants to stab your eyes out because she has asked you three times to swipe your fucking credit card again and you can't hear her because you must be wheelin and dealin on the side conversation. Probably maxed your little platinum bitch out spending $500 on everything new and hot. LOSER.

Something else that didn't make sense. Someone not as trendy was using a hands free while having lunch. I'm talking the original hands free, the long wire with the earpiece. Now that's keepin it real. Using that while eating, that's normally fair and all, don't want the phone greasy, need one hand to eat and one to drink and/or write down important notes. But she was done eating, and was reading a newspaper, and doodling. In other words, there was no reason for her to need to have her hands free. None at all. And yet, she continued on. And it did take me a few minutes to realize what she was up to. Then I thought maybe she worked for the FBI and was after me for... well, maybe that will be in another blog.

I guess my point is:
You look dumb, and the person on the other line can barely hear you. All you can hear is wind or background noise. If you aren't driving, or you clearly have at least one hand free, hold your damn phone. You won't get less pussy/dick that way, I promise. And! your battery will last longer. So you can make more calls to people that hate you anyway.

Pedestrian Murders

Back when I lived in CT I wouldn't see this as much. But it can be the single most annoying, yet seemingly insignificant thing a pedestrian can do. I am speaking, of course, about the Walk signal. While it definitely does have it's significance, those aren't the times that make me want to hop out of my car and strangle the person.

I understand, there are people who cannot cross the street as quickly as others. Physically disabled, older people, stoners, etc. They utilize the walk signal properly and I don't mind waiting the extra 30 seconds for them to cross.

And there are the "mean streets" of downtown Boston where rush hour pretty much mandates the need, less you want to get hit by the wonderful drivers so APTLY named Massholes.

Those aren't the people that get under my skin, no no.

As you all know, the walk signal turns all lights red for a short period of time to allow the otherwise lazy the chance to cross the road. In San Diego, they are a necessary evil. Absolutely no one jaywalks in San Diego. I swear to you, it is pretty creepy. I went there on vacation with a kid from Boston and I was visiting a kid from New York City. I think we walked in front of speeding cars more than we waited. And the homegrowns around there were completely fucking shocked. They wouldn't even follow us, normally jaywalkers will wait for other fellow criminals to begin to cross and follow suit. Not there. Instead they got nervous and looked around for cops. Because, as pathetic as it may seem, you WILL get a ticket for crossing the road without a walk signal in San Diego. For a bunch of seemingly braindead surfers and ex to current hippies, I guess I can understand the need for clear directions and a fair lane of travel to allow the foggy brains time to work. So not only were we dodging traffic, we were dodging Police and causing dismay amongst the locals.

But what happens, when you see someone hit the walk signal, and then fucking cross the road anyway? THAT, IS WHAT I HATE. If you can take the time to hit the walk signal and be a little bitch, you should be fucking stuck in your damn tracks until that little white light telling you "It's okay you big pussy, it is safe enough to cross the road now". People will instinctively run up and hit the walk button any time they come to an intersection. Then they realize, OH , no traffic, check it out! And cross the street while all the lights turn red. At that point there are clear lanes for all the vehicles to go through, and yet none can because of the stupid little bird chirping and No Turn On Red signs. They should be changed to No Turn On Red Unless Some Asshole Hit The Walk Signal And Then Proceeded Anyway signs. People are impatient enough in their vehicles, an extra 20 seconds can be the difference between life and death in our time consumed little worlds. Now everyone is stuck for some fat guy that was afraid he would become road kill so he set down the Mega Gulp on his man boobs and pressed the walk signal, only to open his fat little eyelids and realize there was no one coming IN THE FIRST PLACE! So he lumbered on, realizing no idiot would want to hit him anyway because he would wind up totaling the car anyway.

Again, I have no problem with the elderly, the blind, or the disabled using this button. But the rest of you need to grow the fuck up and learn how to cross the road. Look both ways, and fucking run like hell!

While we're on the subjects of pedestrians and the roadways, what the fuck is up with bicyclists in the city? Last time I checked, sidewalks were invented for this fucking nerds. Yes, if you ride a bike you are a nerd. I'm sorry but it's true. Only BMX can get away with it, they aren't riding for transportation or a lame form of exercise. And they aren't wearing flourescent helments and don't have orange flags flying high above.

Now, what the fuck are these people doing in the road? Disrupting traffic and getting in my way, that's what they are doing. I used to ride a bike, we all did as kids. You know how easy it is to dump one of those. And I'll be damned if some douchebag loses his balance and falls into my car, trying to get some money even if it was an accident. Fuck that! I'll throw my bitch in reverse and go back over him. That way we're all clear, shoulda been off the road. There aren't any cars on the sidewalk, unless it is an episode of Cops. So get out of my way, stop using your gay hand signals, and please, please don't pretend you are a vehicle. Because if we get in an accident, unlike Fatty McGee I spoke of before, my vehicle will always win. There is nothing worse than pulling up to an intersection and suddenly being second in line at a red light to someone on a fucking bicycle, with his hand raised up like an L. That is, nothing worse except being stuck at that red light because of a walk signal, and watching someone trot way past the intersection not being considerate to the hell he or she has just caused in my world.

Thank you.