Bus Etiquette
Alright people, it's Friday. Everyone should be pumped, gettin the hell out of the office, long friggin week, and ready to party. Or relax, or both, or whatever. People should NOT be so fucking uptight right now.
So since I moved to Boston in June I have been taking the bus to work. Super easy, super convenient, relatively cheap. And I have my iPod (shameless plug) because it keeps me entertained. Normally I have a book too, but the bus is too fucking quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to hear other people's conversations. I don't want to hear people coughing and weezing, and I can't stand silence for too long. So I have my music, a book, my phone, and I'm good. And I have NEVER had a problem on the bus. But apparently there is bus etiquette that I broke on the ride back, and boy, my heart rate just went down.
To me, the only thing offensive on the bus is when someone smells like a pile of dung. That or cigarettes. And excuse me, but fatties that take up more than their half of the seat, that's not cool either. I don't smoke, of course I always smell good, and I'm only secretly fat. So I never though there was a problem. Rarely will I talk on the phone on the bus, normally it's a text only zone, unless the call is important and at least I try to keep quiet, because I know people are listening. Not because I am important, because they are too poor to buy an iPod (shameless #2).
So I took the hot seat on the ride home today. There is one double seat facing forward with extra leg room. And boy, is it Heaven. And heavily sought after, so normally people will snatch it up before I get there. But today was my lucky day. So some 40-something woman sits next to me. She's a regular, can't say I've ever had the pleasure of sitting with her before. No biggie. I have my book, my music, and my texts, and it's Friday. I'm golden, right? Well a few songs into it, she starts looking at me. I pay no mind, I'm half asleep and trying to read and I don't give a shit if my music is offensive, it's in my damn ears.
So another song comes on, and she must not have been feeling the beat. Guess what? FUCK OFF! Don't care. She's there reading the newspaper... lady, it already happened. Watch the news when you get home, the newspaper is gay. Yes, gay. So she actually turns her whole head, and stares at me. Thank God I have a book in my hands, I wanted to strangle her. She doesn't even have the (proverbial) balls to tell me to turn it down, she just has a look of smug disgust I can see out of the corner of my eye, and I pay her NO MIND. It's FRIDAY, lighten up you old salty bitch. I'll admit, I played the nice guy role and turned it down... slightly. But totally super ninja stealth mode so this evil whore wouldn't know that she had won, to some extent. After a scoff she turns back to her OLD NEWS and I continue to read, but now I'm shaking my leg and my heart starts to beat a little faster. I think of everything I want to say.
"Yeah, I wouldn't sit next to me either"
"It's Friday, how about you simma down NAH?"
"I'm sorry, is this offending you? There's open standing room over there"
"Is that a stick in your ass or are you always this grumpy"
But I wait for her to strike first. I picture her assaulting me, I can see her pulling out the earbud and screaming at me for being an immature little prick who won't turn his music down... my mind wanders. Heart beats faster, I can feel it thumping. Why? Fight or flight response? Weird, cause I got nowhere to run, and I sure can't punch a middle aged woman in the face (can I?) Of course she won't do anything, maybe complain to the bus driver?
Nothing happens, go figure. She gives me another few futile looks, watches me as I pull out my phone to send a text to my roomate (I just got 4 tickets to the Patriots/Lions game) and then I close my book. Well good thing she wants to see just what I'm reading. Probably something about hip hop or the ghetto or graffiti, right you crooked cunt?
That's what is funny. My book happens to be called "Devil in the White City". Which makes me sound like a Black Panther trying to start a revolution. My mix of hip hop probably isn't helping my cause, of her bullshit stereotype. But my book actually has to do with a non-fiction recount of a murderer in Chicago (White City) during the World Fair in the 1890's. So then I'm hoping she says something before she leaves, so I can throw it in her face how ignorant and pathetic she is, and that it's Friday and I need to go get drunk and flirt with young women because I am not a grumpy old fart who has nothing to do tonight but make tea and go to bed at 8:30.
But nothing happens. The bus comes to her stop, she leaves. My stop is next, I get off, make sure she isn't chasing me with a makeshift shank, and I go on my way. A man in front of me drops his wallet, and I chase him down to give it back to him. He was a 49er's fan, how unfortunate. So I guess something good has to happen to me tonight.. right?
So since I moved to Boston in June I have been taking the bus to work. Super easy, super convenient, relatively cheap. And I have my iPod (shameless plug) because it keeps me entertained. Normally I have a book too, but the bus is too fucking quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to hear other people's conversations. I don't want to hear people coughing and weezing, and I can't stand silence for too long. So I have my music, a book, my phone, and I'm good. And I have NEVER had a problem on the bus. But apparently there is bus etiquette that I broke on the ride back, and boy, my heart rate just went down.
To me, the only thing offensive on the bus is when someone smells like a pile of dung. That or cigarettes. And excuse me, but fatties that take up more than their half of the seat, that's not cool either. I don't smoke, of course I always smell good, and I'm only secretly fat. So I never though there was a problem. Rarely will I talk on the phone on the bus, normally it's a text only zone, unless the call is important and at least I try to keep quiet, because I know people are listening. Not because I am important, because they are too poor to buy an iPod (shameless #2).
So I took the hot seat on the ride home today. There is one double seat facing forward with extra leg room. And boy, is it Heaven. And heavily sought after, so normally people will snatch it up before I get there. But today was my lucky day. So some 40-something woman sits next to me. She's a regular, can't say I've ever had the pleasure of sitting with her before. No biggie. I have my book, my music, and my texts, and it's Friday. I'm golden, right? Well a few songs into it, she starts looking at me. I pay no mind, I'm half asleep and trying to read and I don't give a shit if my music is offensive, it's in my damn ears.
So another song comes on, and she must not have been feeling the beat. Guess what? FUCK OFF! Don't care. She's there reading the newspaper... lady, it already happened. Watch the news when you get home, the newspaper is gay. Yes, gay. So she actually turns her whole head, and stares at me. Thank God I have a book in my hands, I wanted to strangle her. She doesn't even have the (proverbial) balls to tell me to turn it down, she just has a look of smug disgust I can see out of the corner of my eye, and I pay her NO MIND. It's FRIDAY, lighten up you old salty bitch. I'll admit, I played the nice guy role and turned it down... slightly. But totally super ninja stealth mode so this evil whore wouldn't know that she had won, to some extent. After a scoff she turns back to her OLD NEWS and I continue to read, but now I'm shaking my leg and my heart starts to beat a little faster. I think of everything I want to say.
"Yeah, I wouldn't sit next to me either"
"It's Friday, how about you simma down NAH?"
"I'm sorry, is this offending you? There's open standing room over there"
"Is that a stick in your ass or are you always this grumpy"
But I wait for her to strike first. I picture her assaulting me, I can see her pulling out the earbud and screaming at me for being an immature little prick who won't turn his music down... my mind wanders. Heart beats faster, I can feel it thumping. Why? Fight or flight response? Weird, cause I got nowhere to run, and I sure can't punch a middle aged woman in the face (can I?) Of course she won't do anything, maybe complain to the bus driver?
Nothing happens, go figure. She gives me another few futile looks, watches me as I pull out my phone to send a text to my roomate (I just got 4 tickets to the Patriots/Lions game) and then I close my book. Well good thing she wants to see just what I'm reading. Probably something about hip hop or the ghetto or graffiti, right you crooked cunt?
That's what is funny. My book happens to be called "Devil in the White City". Which makes me sound like a Black Panther trying to start a revolution. My mix of hip hop probably isn't helping my cause, of her bullshit stereotype. But my book actually has to do with a non-fiction recount of a murderer in Chicago (White City) during the World Fair in the 1890's. So then I'm hoping she says something before she leaves, so I can throw it in her face how ignorant and pathetic she is, and that it's Friday and I need to go get drunk and flirt with young women because I am not a grumpy old fart who has nothing to do tonight but make tea and go to bed at 8:30.
But nothing happens. The bus comes to her stop, she leaves. My stop is next, I get off, make sure she isn't chasing me with a makeshift shank, and I go on my way. A man in front of me drops his wallet, and I chase him down to give it back to him. He was a 49er's fan, how unfortunate. So I guess something good has to happen to me tonight.. right?
posted by official dynasty at
5:47 PM
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