Prepare for the apocalypse... or just keep drinking beers

We all know it's coming people, and in the end it will probably be the United States that brings it about, or at least our conquest for democracy (see: domination/oppression) we think (force) every country should adopt (or we will consider you terrorists).

One great example of that is shows on Fox. Fox has come up with some greats, in the past it was Cops that gave a refreshing view of how many ugly dirty scumbags there are, and just how stupid most criminals really are.

Then came the Swan. Where Fox took some really really ugly bitches with a sob story (what ugly person doesn't have a sad story somewhere in his or her life) and gave them a ton of plastic surgery and some coaching to make them all feel pretty (and unable to ever frown again). Now that, was a classy show. Why teach the women to love themselves for who they really are, when you can cover it all up with botox and fake teeth and lyposuction? Not only that, these poor broads now look fantastic on the outside, are goign to gain back any potential weight because all you did was vacuum it out, and you now have a bunch of FOX-y ladies that are going to be the prey of any half witted man who realizes "Hey, she still has no self esteem!" Perfect. And if they had a boyfriend they decide to stay with, you know he was some lazy ugly schmuck himself who now gets to beat up on his hot new barbie doll. Couldn't have picked a better idea for a show myself. Fox: the channel of morals.

Well tonight, was another fantastic new breakthrough in humiliating and degrading the American public was born. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Who comes up with this shit? If you didn't catch it, I suggest watching it sometime in the next 2 weeks because I will personally put down a hefty money bet that this show lasts about a month long. In case the rest of the world doesn't already perceive us as the dumbest creatures ever (Note: We are likely represented by characters like Paris Hilton... not exactly a 1600 on her SAT's, but passed her STDs with flying colors!) Now, we are put to the test against a bunch of genius 5th graders that have not yet discovered SEX, DRUGS, DRINKING, and most other loose morals. So basically, these kids love school, because they don't know of all the wonderful other things there are that can kill brain cells, as opposed to filling them with useful knowledge.
One kid looked reminded me of that chubby bastard with the rat-tail in Billy Madison. And I wanted to jump through the screen and pinch his little cheeks and make sure he never gets to HIKE school. Because jumping around excited that you knew what REM sleep was, really won't get you much pussy later on in life. But neither will being fat and wearing plaid, right?

Needless to say, the contestants were complete morons and it appears Fox will do anything in it's power to try and prove we are all a bunch of idiots that forget the value of a good education- at least I think? Of course the choice for Jeff Foxworthy, famous for his redneck jokes, makes that all a little puzzling- but anyway.

I could sit here and pretend I got every question right. In fact, I missed half the show. But I got a question on Pilgrims wrong, I'll go ahead and admit, some 5th grader was smarter than I am. But does that little fuck also know what syphillis infested blankets and mass-genocide is? WASN'T MUCH OF A THANKSGIVING FEAST AFTER ALL NOW WAS IT?!?! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!!!!! IN YO FACE 5TH GRADERS.

To clarify, it is a show, on a channel that is known for being extremely republican (watch the Fox News Channel, it is about as fair and balanced as the witch hunts were in Salem) and it has decided to air a show that proves America is full of morons. Yet the same republican channel, which is "led" by the current President of the United States- must fail to recognize that that fearless leader is deciding every day to put more of the budget into the military, and less into education. Chew on that?

Currently in the audition process to go on that show and make 10 year olds scream and cry. Watch for me.

The end is near!

Worst "HOLIDAY" ever.

Ah February 14th. One of 365 days always circled in every young woman's mind. Is it really a holiday? Do any of you even know that it is named after a Saint? So anyway, apparently this Saint Valentine outlawed marriage for young men because "single men made better soldiers". Can't say I agree with that. Single men still get laid, right? What makes a man angrier than no sex? Clouded judgement, my good Saint. Anyway he was killed for his actions. BUT, while in jail, he wrote a letter to a young woman he was falling for, and at the end, wrote "From your Valentine". I'm sure most of the story is bullshit, but anyway- this is quite the reason for romance, if you ask me. Eventually this was passed along, and now it is the SECOND LARGEST CARD-SENDING HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!! (To Christmas, of course)


If that doesn't prove it is a Hallmark Holiday, I don't know what does.


Ladies, let me break it down for you real quick. No guy enjoys Valentine's day. It's way way worse than an anniversary, because everyone celebrates this "holiday" at the same time. So the pressure to step up is multiplied exponentially. Chances are you will be able to find a restaurant to book for your anniversary. Same goes with finding a nice flower arrangement, and thinking and being able to do something romantic that NO ONE ELSE will think of. Good fucking luck on February 14th. But no woman would ever see it that way. Instead it would just be chalked up to failure on your part- and when all her girlfriends are bragging about the chic restaurants they went to and the 9 dozen roses spread across the bed and in the tub with Kenny G playing love songs LIVE- the fury will start to bubble over. If you ask me, this holiday is just a way for women to prove to themselves and their sisters that there is always someone better out there- that we men fail at everything we try to do for you, and that we should just be enslaved for mating purposes.


Flowers are pretty and smell good. Yipee. They die, in like 2 days. All that fucking money, for some red flowers that everyone else is buying at the same damn time, and you still feel special and loved? You think Saint Valentine had any flowers when he was in prison?? He may have lost his flower, but that's a whole different topic.


Now why would we want to feed you chocolates? With the media teaching us anorexic is the new hot, the last thing we want is for your ass to get fat. Then our friends joke about you, doorways and stairwells become a little more snug for two way traffic, you can't fit into our favorite set of panties you have anymore, you take up too much of the bed and spooning becomes a strange event where our own rear winds up hanging half off the bed, exposed to the cold. FUCK THAT! For Valentines Day I want to bring you to the god damn gym and set the treadmill on super fast while I go do my routine. That way we will all feel and look sexy for the night that we pretend to care about to keep you smiling. Plus, if Saint Valentine had any chocolate while he was there on old school death row, don't you think he would have kept the shit for himself?


And cards? All guys have sloppy ass hand writing. If you want to show off to your girlfriends that a 3rd grader wrote youa love letter, be my guest. But expect it to be unoriginal and extremely cliche. Also expect poor word choice, typographical errors, and plagiarism. We are unoriginal, and not afraid to admit it. I don't believe in writing cards. I am considering hiring someone for the year, just to write all my Thank You's, Happy Birthdays, Thinking of Yous, Get Wells, and I'm Breaking Up With Yous Cause You Are a Psychotic Dirty Hooker. I never understood the whole card thing, especially this day and age with things broadly labeled under "Modern Technology".


What is the big fucking deal? I have boycotted Valentine's Day for years now, and I am getting along just fine. But, unlike the single women that pretend to boycott it, I really could care less about today. I like when groups of girls get together in their celebration of "hating Valentines Day". Because at some point during the vodka and cranberry juice festivities, it hits them. Wow, my drink is red. That's like my heart. My heart aches, I long for a man. Oh, sad sad Valentine's Day, why do I have to be lonely again? Cue the sobbing on the inside, the self loathing and probably a one night stand that one party might not expect to be only a one night stand.


I again don't have a Valentine this year, or anyone with big expectations out of me- it's shitting sleet and rain and cold outside, I just stepped in 12 puddles that were past my ankle- I'm wet and hungry and pissed and the LAST thing I want is to run around and try to make my boo feel like she is the most important person in the world. And trust me ladies, your boyfriend feels the exact same way.


Try him out sometime. When it is getting close to Valentine's Day, no matter HOW much you love it and want it to be the best day ever- bring this up. Say to him "Oh honey, I hate Valentine's Day... let's not celebrate, okay?" Say it in person. Watch his fucking mouth drop to the floor, his eyes bug out wider than Reche Caldwell when a pass is coming his way, and look very very closely for a tear or two to start (tear of joy, no doubt). Any man who gave a SHIT about Valentines Day would try and stop you from the maddness (genius) you are spitting from your mouth. The only other way you will get this response is if you have been with him more than a year, and he is calling your bluff.




I am shooting for a movement. If you women, and you lame ass card stores and flower boutiques insist on keeping Valentine's Day so highly coveted; I want a holiday. And don't give me the Father's Day bullshit because there is a female counterpart to that to, and I'm 93% sure I am not a father (unless there is a boy out there growing up to be a professional sports player, actor, investment banker, President, etc.... in that case- daddy's riiight here!) I want to call it the Shutup, I Don't Want Any Romance Just A Good Blowjob Like You Used To Give Along With A Few Of My Favorite Beers, A Free Pass At The Remote, And Forgiveness For Any Of The Stupid Bullshit Arguments We May Be Having, That Are Related To Things Up To Five Years Ago. Now that, would be a fucking holiday. If you women promise to give us that, maybe, just maybe, we men will continue to honor your ridiculous middle of the winter overcelebrated and underestimated joke of a holiday.

And in the news....

So recently in the news was a rather tragic story most of you would never see. No, not that Tom Brady is going to be a father. WHO CARES? Plus, anyone that careless with his passes in playoff games obviously wouldn't wear a rubber and make sure his sweetheart is on birth control. Same sweetheart that was nearing the end of her biological clock... that's another topic.

No, no, this one takes place much farther south. Georgia, to be exact (GO BULLDOGS). There currently is a man in jail, who is serving a TEN year sentence, for getting a blowjob. I know, there must be more to it, right? Well.... not really. When this guy was 17 years old, he received CONSENSUAL oral sex from a 15 year old. Okay, still doesn't seem weird, so what's the story?

Well, there are a shitload of weird laws out there, that are just never updated, challenged, or changed, to reflect the changing times. This happens to be a case of a weird law, and a couple poor choices.

Under Georgia law at the time, this was considered aggravated child molestation- and a FELONY for teens LESS THAN three years apart to have oral sex. I know- makes no sense. Especially since it stresses less than three years apart. And, it gets worse- poor guy shouldn't have settled for some dome- it is only a MISDEMEANOR for those same teens to have sexual intercourse. You think that's something they teach in sex ed??
"Now kids, next time you're at a party, with a teenage girl less than three years older or younger than you, and she wants to suck you off.... you bitch slap that ho, say fuck no, and tell her it's penetration or nothing!" I can just envision the t-shirt sales now....

So it gets better. Not only did this guy catch a hummer from some eager 15 year old- it was at a party, in front of people. How many, not exactly sure, but if you check the VIDEO, you're bound to find out. Oh, right, someone videotaped it as well. Not just that, but this poor son of a bitch was #2 of 2 that night. Yep, the video clearly shows her playing wet willy with some other clown, wiping her mouth and sliding over to the next victim. Let's examine the poor choices so far:

This hot shot football player is at some party his senior year. He hears about some drunk freshman going around looking to slurp some baby batter, so he raises his hand... at the same time his buddy does. They decide to shoot rock paper scissors for it, and the stupid bastard chooses PAPER on his first try. Touch luck bro, your buddy took scissors. Shit, so close. But then, little slut in training speaks up and offers to take you both- one at a time of course, she isn't a whore yet. JACKPOT, right? No. Once you learn you are going to be sloppy seconds, WALK AWAY. At least that's what my daddy taught me.

Next, why the fuck would you ever want that videotaped? I can understand if you're hung like a horse, and want the whole class to see how huge you are- but that is a case when the reputation should be able to spread quicker than a copy that clearly shows you were willing and able to let some little girl make you her (hopefully) 2nd of the night. Then you let the copy of the tape get out, as potential blackmail/evidence?? All I can think of is Menace II Society..

So this guy is in jail, over 5 years now, and probably has given quite a few blowjobs himself since this all went down. The girl admitted on trial that it was all consensual and she initiated it. Her father must have been proud, watching that tape in front of a courtroom- judge, jury, reporters... pure class. I'm sure she must be studying a double major now at one of those Ivy-leagues.

If anything is to be taken funny from all of this, it is the name of the lawyer that this guy hired to represent him- AND I SHIT YOU NOT- B.J. Bernstein. AND, B.J. happens to be a female. The irony, the symbolism, that alone, caused me to almost fall out of my chair, you can't imagine that wasn't purposeful, can you????