Worst "HOLIDAY" ever.
Ah February 14th. One of 365 days always circled in every young woman's mind. Is it really a holiday? Do any of you even know that it is named after a Saint? So anyway, apparently this Saint Valentine outlawed marriage for young men because "single men made better soldiers". Can't say I agree with that. Single men still get laid, right? What makes a man angrier than no sex? Clouded judgement, my good Saint. Anyway he was killed for his actions. BUT, while in jail, he wrote a letter to a young woman he was falling for, and at the end, wrote "From your Valentine". I'm sure most of the story is bullshit, but anyway- this is quite the reason for romance, if you ask me. Eventually this was passed along, and now it is the SECOND LARGEST CARD-SENDING HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!! (To Christmas, of course)
If that doesn't prove it is a Hallmark Holiday, I don't know what does.
Ladies, let me break it down for you real quick. No guy enjoys Valentine's day. It's way way worse than an anniversary, because everyone celebrates this "holiday" at the same time. So the pressure to step up is multiplied exponentially. Chances are you will be able to find a restaurant to book for your anniversary. Same goes with finding a nice flower arrangement, and thinking and being able to do something romantic that NO ONE ELSE will think of. Good fucking luck on February 14th. But no woman would ever see it that way. Instead it would just be chalked up to failure on your part- and when all her girlfriends are bragging about the chic restaurants they went to and the 9 dozen roses spread across the bed and in the tub with Kenny G playing love songs LIVE- the fury will start to bubble over. If you ask me, this holiday is just a way for women to prove to themselves and their sisters that there is always someone better out there- that we men fail at everything we try to do for you, and that we should just be enslaved for mating purposes.
Flowers are pretty and smell good. Yipee. They die, in like 2 days. All that fucking money, for some red flowers that everyone else is buying at the same damn time, and you still feel special and loved? You think Saint Valentine had any flowers when he was in prison?? He may have lost his flower, but that's a whole different topic.
Now why would we want to feed you chocolates? With the media teaching us anorexic is the new hot, the last thing we want is for your ass to get fat. Then our friends joke about you, doorways and stairwells become a little more snug for two way traffic, you can't fit into our favorite set of panties you have anymore, you take up too much of the bed and spooning becomes a strange event where our own rear winds up hanging half off the bed, exposed to the cold. FUCK THAT! For Valentines Day I want to bring you to the god damn gym and set the treadmill on super fast while I go do my routine. That way we will all feel and look sexy for the night that we pretend to care about to keep you smiling. Plus, if Saint Valentine had any chocolate while he was there on old school death row, don't you think he would have kept the shit for himself?
And cards? All guys have sloppy ass hand writing. If you want to show off to your girlfriends that a 3rd grader wrote youa love letter, be my guest. But expect it to be unoriginal and extremely cliche. Also expect poor word choice, typographical errors, and plagiarism. We are unoriginal, and not afraid to admit it. I don't believe in writing cards. I am considering hiring someone for the year, just to write all my Thank You's, Happy Birthdays, Thinking of Yous, Get Wells, and I'm Breaking Up With Yous Cause You Are a Psychotic Dirty Hooker. I never understood the whole card thing, especially this day and age with things broadly labeled under "Modern Technology".
What is the big fucking deal? I have boycotted Valentine's Day for years now, and I am getting along just fine. But, unlike the single women that pretend to boycott it, I really could care less about today. I like when groups of girls get together in their celebration of "hating Valentines Day". Because at some point during the vodka and cranberry juice festivities, it hits them. Wow, my drink is red. That's like my heart. My heart aches, I long for a man. Oh, sad sad Valentine's Day, why do I have to be lonely again? Cue the sobbing on the inside, the self loathing and probably a one night stand that one party might not expect to be only a one night stand.
I again don't have a Valentine this year, or anyone with big expectations out of me- it's shitting sleet and rain and cold outside, I just stepped in 12 puddles that were past my ankle- I'm wet and hungry and pissed and the LAST thing I want is to run around and try to make my boo feel like she is the most important person in the world. And trust me ladies, your boyfriend feels the exact same way.
Try him out sometime. When it is getting close to Valentine's Day, no matter HOW much you love it and want it to be the best day ever- bring this up. Say to him "Oh honey, I hate Valentine's Day... let's not celebrate, okay?" Say it in person. Watch his fucking mouth drop to the floor, his eyes bug out wider than Reche Caldwell when a pass is coming his way, and look very very closely for a tear or two to start (tear of joy, no doubt). Any man who gave a SHIT about Valentines Day would try and stop you from the maddness (genius) you are spitting from your mouth. The only other way you will get this response is if you have been with him more than a year, and he is calling your bluff.
I am shooting for a movement. If you women, and you lame ass card stores and flower boutiques insist on keeping Valentine's Day so highly coveted; I want a holiday. And don't give me the Father's Day bullshit because there is a female counterpart to that to, and I'm 93% sure I am not a father (unless there is a boy out there growing up to be a professional sports player, actor, investment banker, President, etc.... in that case- daddy's riiight here!) I want to call it the Shutup, I Don't Want Any Romance Just A Good Blowjob Like You Used To Give Along With A Few Of My Favorite Beers, A Free Pass At The Remote, And Forgiveness For Any Of The Stupid Bullshit Arguments We May Be Having, That Are Related To Things Up To Five Years Ago. Now that, would be a fucking holiday. If you women promise to give us that, maybe, just maybe, we men will continue to honor your ridiculous middle of the winter overcelebrated and underestimated joke of a holiday.
If that doesn't prove it is a Hallmark Holiday, I don't know what does.
Ladies, let me break it down for you real quick. No guy enjoys Valentine's day. It's way way worse than an anniversary, because everyone celebrates this "holiday" at the same time. So the pressure to step up is multiplied exponentially. Chances are you will be able to find a restaurant to book for your anniversary. Same goes with finding a nice flower arrangement, and thinking and being able to do something romantic that NO ONE ELSE will think of. Good fucking luck on February 14th. But no woman would ever see it that way. Instead it would just be chalked up to failure on your part- and when all her girlfriends are bragging about the chic restaurants they went to and the 9 dozen roses spread across the bed and in the tub with Kenny G playing love songs LIVE- the fury will start to bubble over. If you ask me, this holiday is just a way for women to prove to themselves and their sisters that there is always someone better out there- that we men fail at everything we try to do for you, and that we should just be enslaved for mating purposes.
Flowers are pretty and smell good. Yipee. They die, in like 2 days. All that fucking money, for some red flowers that everyone else is buying at the same damn time, and you still feel special and loved? You think Saint Valentine had any flowers when he was in prison?? He may have lost his flower, but that's a whole different topic.
Now why would we want to feed you chocolates? With the media teaching us anorexic is the new hot, the last thing we want is for your ass to get fat. Then our friends joke about you, doorways and stairwells become a little more snug for two way traffic, you can't fit into our favorite set of panties you have anymore, you take up too much of the bed and spooning becomes a strange event where our own rear winds up hanging half off the bed, exposed to the cold. FUCK THAT! For Valentines Day I want to bring you to the god damn gym and set the treadmill on super fast while I go do my routine. That way we will all feel and look sexy for the night that we pretend to care about to keep you smiling. Plus, if Saint Valentine had any chocolate while he was there on old school death row, don't you think he would have kept the shit for himself?
And cards? All guys have sloppy ass hand writing. If you want to show off to your girlfriends that a 3rd grader wrote youa love letter, be my guest. But expect it to be unoriginal and extremely cliche. Also expect poor word choice, typographical errors, and plagiarism. We are unoriginal, and not afraid to admit it. I don't believe in writing cards. I am considering hiring someone for the year, just to write all my Thank You's, Happy Birthdays, Thinking of Yous, Get Wells, and I'm Breaking Up With Yous Cause You Are a Psychotic Dirty Hooker. I never understood the whole card thing, especially this day and age with things broadly labeled under "Modern Technology".
What is the big fucking deal? I have boycotted Valentine's Day for years now, and I am getting along just fine. But, unlike the single women that pretend to boycott it, I really could care less about today. I like when groups of girls get together in their celebration of "hating Valentines Day". Because at some point during the vodka and cranberry juice festivities, it hits them. Wow, my drink is red. That's like my heart. My heart aches, I long for a man. Oh, sad sad Valentine's Day, why do I have to be lonely again? Cue the sobbing on the inside, the self loathing and probably a one night stand that one party might not expect to be only a one night stand.
I again don't have a Valentine this year, or anyone with big expectations out of me- it's shitting sleet and rain and cold outside, I just stepped in 12 puddles that were past my ankle- I'm wet and hungry and pissed and the LAST thing I want is to run around and try to make my boo feel like she is the most important person in the world. And trust me ladies, your boyfriend feels the exact same way.
Try him out sometime. When it is getting close to Valentine's Day, no matter HOW much you love it and want it to be the best day ever- bring this up. Say to him "Oh honey, I hate Valentine's Day... let's not celebrate, okay?" Say it in person. Watch his fucking mouth drop to the floor, his eyes bug out wider than Reche Caldwell when a pass is coming his way, and look very very closely for a tear or two to start (tear of joy, no doubt). Any man who gave a SHIT about Valentines Day would try and stop you from the maddness (genius) you are spitting from your mouth. The only other way you will get this response is if you have been with him more than a year, and he is calling your bluff.
I am shooting for a movement. If you women, and you lame ass card stores and flower boutiques insist on keeping Valentine's Day so highly coveted; I want a holiday. And don't give me the Father's Day bullshit because there is a female counterpart to that to, and I'm 93% sure I am not a father (unless there is a boy out there growing up to be a professional sports player, actor, investment banker, President, etc.... in that case- daddy's riiight here!) I want to call it the Shutup, I Don't Want Any Romance Just A Good Blowjob Like You Used To Give Along With A Few Of My Favorite Beers, A Free Pass At The Remote, And Forgiveness For Any Of The Stupid Bullshit Arguments We May Be Having, That Are Related To Things Up To Five Years Ago. Now that, would be a fucking holiday. If you women promise to give us that, maybe, just maybe, we men will continue to honor your ridiculous middle of the winter overcelebrated and underestimated joke of a holiday.
posted by official dynasty at
6:05 PM
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