Yea, I wrote this on Thanksgiving

Hey normally I hate conspiracies... unless they are delicious. In this case, it is most definitely delicious. But is there a bigger meaning behind all of this....

So everyone knows that breakfast is amazing. It is the most versatile of the three most common meals. You can literally eat breakfast, any time of day, and it isn't weird. This is why places like IHOP and Denny's are all the craze amongst those crazy hungover teens. No one will ever shun you for eating eggs and toast, whether it's midnight, or noon. On the other hand, try ordering a pizza at 9AM, and check out the reactions you will get. Ever notice that most sub/sandwich/pizza places do not even OPEN until lunch time? There is a reason behind this. They don't want to start riots and other civil unrest. But breakfast places? 24 hours NO problem.

Now comes Thanksgiving. Probably the best holiday of the year. Screw presents, I want some damn food! And by some, I mean too much. Pile on a second plate even though I am full, who cares! Variety just means I will eat more, and more, and more. Loosen that belt buckle there boy, it's time for you to turn into a man. What's so great about Thanksgiving? Uhh, everything? Who doesn't love gravy? It's like bacon, it makes everything better. The only thing I ever hear people shitting on is cranberry sauce. Whoa whoa whoa Ms. Lippy. Simma down there. Maybe it's because you aren't having the RIGHT cranberry sauce. It was never meant to come out of a can, with the ridges still visible on the side of the jello-like artificial crapfest. No, cranberry sauce is to be fresh! Mixed in with some orange zest, god damn, gimme another pile. So quit your yappin until you try it the real way, I promise, it will be like losing your virginity all over again (ladies: I do not mean the painful, uncomfortable feelings you had, with the 35 second missionary excursion in you had to overcome... better make it like the first time you had an orgasm?)

Oh, and, FYI- the whole turkey makes you tired is mostly a myth. Yes, there is tryptophan in turkey... but why does no one ever blame the wine? Or the fact you just act 2 pounds of meat, 1pound of veggies, and 3 pounds of everything carbohydrate related? Mix in your crazy grandma asking when you are getting married and having children, follow it up with your weird uncle trying to talk about how good looking your girlfriend is, and don't forget the drunken third cousin of yours watching football and talking about players that haven't been in the league since before you were born. Maybe THOSE things make you tired?

Back to the conspiracy. Notice that the only holiday meals that any place will ever serve, as a treat, is Thanksgiving dinner? You never see Easter dinner, or Veteran's Day dinner. Thanksgiving is the universal of all dinners, and all things delicious. It can be feasted on ANY DAY, and never be strange. In fact, I had a full turkey meal on Monday for lunch without even winking an eye. And yes, I realized that on Thursday I will be knee deep in everything my father and I produce in our kitchen. And it didn't matter. MUCH LIKE- BREAKFAST. To make my point 100% clear- think about what you eat, that Friday morning when you wake up hungover, still full, and you waddle over to the fridge to see what is available. That's right people, you warm up a nice plate of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and hopefully, some real cranberry sauce. And it isn't at all strange. I rest my case.

Is there a conspiracy? Probably. I'll let you decide.

Skinnys with Fatties, Part Deux

One female agrees, and asks why black guys always go for fat white chicks?
Well, I don't think it's just fat white chicks. It's anything with a fat ass, isn't it? It just so happens, that fat white chicks, are probably more likely to own or have constant access to a car. That is KEY. Also, there is a lot of pressure on the black male to have a huge penis. Because everyone expects him to have an anaconda, what happens if he only has a salamander? Well, find a fat chick, and she won't tell anyone. She's just glad to have the attention. Who is she to make fun of you? That bitch sweats just breathing!

Someone else asked about why hot guys are always with trashy girls. Well ladies, I have the secrets. Guys will fuck anything. ANYTHING. The problem with that is: it can lead to relationships. Sad but true. Sometimes forced into it as well, hot guys don't have to use condoms because they are really really ridiculously good looking (can you blame them?) and ugly babes just want the hope for attractive offspring, so they lie about being on birth control. Now, if you see a hot guy with an ugly girl at a BAR- I don't think I need to make a case here. Beer goggles help women to lose weight, it straightens out their teeth, enlarges their boobs, and makes the guy want to hump. And hump, and hump. My last theory is that ugly chicks are intentionally kinky in bed, because they have to be to keep a man around. So maybe she does this crazy thing where she can get the twig AND berries in her mouth, or she arches her back and does somersaults while on top.

Someone brought up the theory that it is based on evolution- that back in the day we were programmed, so to speak, to look for women with child bearing hips to screw so that we could continue our species. I have a few problems with this. Is there such thing as child bearing back fat? A child bearing badunkadunk? I say, if we can no longer hit our women over the head with a solid object, and drag her back to our cave for some one sided lovins, then I can't imagine I still seek out child bearing hips. That was the kind of romance I search for. Or the fact that perfume was invented because the church was afraid we were all fucking like jackrabbits, due to pheremones being secreted from our hoo hoo's and armpits and shit. Well, fuck all that. An overly sweaty bitch with armpit and cooch hair is no way to get me excited. So I don't buy it.

Skinny Dudes, Fat Chicks

First, notice the title. It is that way for a reason. I didn't write "Skinny and Fat Combo Meal" or anything like that. It is very specific, skinny guys, and fat chicks. What the hell is the deal here? Is there something you all want to share with the rest of the class? What is up with all the skinny guys dating hefty babes (and I use the term babe very loosely...)? Is there a certain requirement? I can't even find a trend.

You don't see skinny babes with fat dudes. Even if the skinny babe is ugly. The only way this ever happens is if fat dude has money. Why? Because any chick can get guys, any time she wants. Guys can too, it's true, but ladies don't have to lower their standards nearly as much. Maybe that is the secret to this whole thing. But it still doesn't lend all the answers.

I know we've all heard it - fat chicks give better head. But do they? Does the always hungry joke really work? When was the last time you saw ANYONE eating a hot dog by shoving it in and out of their mouth and just sucking on the damn thing? Oh hell no. If you watch a fat, or even a skinny but hungry person eat, you know this isn't true. All teeth! ALL teeth. So stop telling me a fat chick is going to treat my dingaling like a hot italian sausage, cause that is about the last thing I want to hear.

Is it about insecurity? Are skinny guys so afraid of rejection and being left by their lovers that they seek out the best known, lowest self esteemed of them all?

Is it about saving the earth? Skinny people everywhere are throwing out too many leftovers? What better way to fix that problem than to date a garbage disposal/vacuum cleaner?

It can't be about sex, no way. I've already wondered how fat people have sex. Skinny people just have ugly sex, it's all awkward and bones are constantly cracking and ribs are in the way. But how do you combine the two? Can you ever really let her on top? It's clear that skinny people can fit in some pretty tight spaces.

I don't get it. Maybe I don't want to get it. You can't exactly ask your buddy this question either..
-Hey dude, so just wondering, why are you dating a fat chick?
The good news is, if you do get brave enough to ask, a punch to the face from a skinny guy might make you bleed a little but would also likely break his arm.