Too honest.

Yea, I wrote this on Thanksgiving

2007-12-25T23:40:00.001-05:00

Hey normally I hate conspiracies... unless they are delicious. In this case, it is most definitely delicious. But is there a bigger meaning behind all of this....

So everyone knows that breakfast is amazing. It is the most versatile of the three most common meals. You can literally eat breakfast, any time of day, and it isn't weird. This is why places like IHOP and Denny's are all the craze amongst those crazy hungover teens. No one will ever shun you for eating eggs and toast, whether it's midnight, or noon. On the other hand, try ordering a pizza at 9AM, and check out the reactions you will get. Ever notice that most sub/sandwich/pizza places do not even OPEN until lunch time? There is a reason behind this. They don't want to start riots and other civil unrest. But breakfast places? 24 hours NO problem.

Now comes Thanksgiving. Probably the best holiday of the year. Screw presents, I want some damn food! And by some, I mean too much. Pile on a second plate even though I am full, who cares! Variety just means I will eat more, and more, and more. Loosen that belt buckle there boy, it's time for you to turn into a man. What's so great about Thanksgiving? Uhh, everything? Who doesn't love gravy? It's like bacon, it makes everything better. The only thing I ever hear people shitting on is cranberry sauce. Whoa whoa whoa Ms. Lippy. Simma down there. Maybe it's because you aren't having the RIGHT cranberry sauce. It was never meant to come out of a can, with the ridges still visible on the side of the jello-like artificial crapfest. No, cranberry sauce is to be fresh! Mixed in with some orange zest, god damn, gimme another pile. So quit your yappin until you try it the real way, I promise, it will be like losing your virginity all over again (ladies: I do not mean the painful, uncomfortable feelings you had, with the 35 second missionary excursion in you had to overcome... better make it like the first time you had an orgasm?)

Oh, and, FYI- the whole turkey makes you tired is mostly a myth. Yes, there is tryptophan in turkey... but why does no one ever blame the wine? Or the fact you just act 2 pounds of meat, 1pound of veggies, and 3 pounds of everything carbohydrate related? Mix in your crazy grandma asking when you are getting married and having children, follow it up with your weird uncle trying to talk about how good looking your girlfriend is, and don't forget the drunken third cousin of yours watching football and talking about players that haven't been in the league since before you were born. Maybe THOSE things make you tired?

Back to the conspiracy. Notice that the only holiday meals that any place will ever serve, as a treat, is Thanksgiving dinner? You never see Easter dinner, or Veteran's Day dinner. Thanksgiving is the universal of all dinners, and all things delicious. It can be feasted on ANY DAY, and never be strange. In fact, I had a full turkey meal on Monday for lunch without even winking an eye. And yes, I realized that on Thursday I will be knee deep in everything my father and I produce in our kitchen. And it didn't matter. MUCH LIKE- BREAKFAST. To make my point 100% clear- think about what you eat, that Friday morning when you wake up hungover, still full, and you waddle over to the fridge to see what is available. That's right people, you warm up a nice plate of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and hopefully, some real cranberry sauce. And it isn't at all strange. I rest my case.

Is there a conspiracy? Probably. I'll let you decide.

Skinnys with Fatties, Part Deux

2007-12-25T23:35:00.001-05:00

One female agrees, and asks why black guys always go for fat white chicks?
Well, I don't think it's just fat white chicks. It's anything with a fat ass, isn't it? It just so happens, that fat white chicks, are probably more likely to own or have constant access to a car. That is KEY. Also, there is a lot of pressure on the black male to have a huge penis. Because everyone expects him to have an anaconda, what happens if he only has a salamander? Well, find a fat chick, and she won't tell anyone. She's just glad to have the attention. Who is she to make fun of you? That bitch sweats just breathing!

Someone else asked about why hot guys are always with trashy girls. Well ladies, I have the secrets. Guys will fuck anything. ANYTHING. The problem with that is: it can lead to relationships. Sad but true. Sometimes forced into it as well, hot guys don't have to use condoms because they are really really ridiculously good looking (can you blame them?) and ugly babes just want the hope for attractive offspring, so they lie about being on birth control. Now, if you see a hot guy with an ugly girl at a BAR- I don't think I need to make a case here. Beer goggles help women to lose weight, it straightens out their teeth, enlarges their boobs, and makes the guy want to hump. And hump, and hump. My last theory is that ugly chicks are intentionally kinky in bed, because they have to be to keep a man around. So maybe she does this crazy thing where she can get the twig AND berries in her mouth, or she arches her back and does somersaults while on top.

Someone brought up the theory that it is based on evolution- that back in the day we were programmed, so to speak, to look for women with child bearing hips to screw so that we could continue our species. I have a few problems with this. Is there such thing as child bearing back fat? A child bearing badunkadunk? I say, if we can no longer hit our women over the head with a solid object, and drag her back to our cave for some one sided lovins, then I can't imagine I still seek out child bearing hips. That was the kind of romance I search for. Or the fact that perfume was invented because the church was afraid we were all fucking like jackrabbits, due to pheremones being secreted from our hoo hoo's and armpits and shit. Well, fuck all that. An overly sweaty bitch with armpit and cooch hair is no way to get me excited. So I don't buy it.

Skinny Dudes, Fat Chicks

2007-12-25T23:34:00.000-05:00

First, notice the title. It is that way for a reason. I didn't write "Skinny and Fat Combo Meal" or anything like that. It is very specific, skinny guys, and fat chicks. What the hell is the deal here? Is there something you all want to share with the rest of the class? What is up with all the skinny guys dating hefty babes (and I use the term babe very loosely...)? Is there a certain requirement? I can't even find a trend.

You don't see skinny babes with fat dudes. Even if the skinny babe is ugly. The only way this ever happens is if fat dude has money. Why? Because any chick can get guys, any time she wants. Guys can too, it's true, but ladies don't have to lower their standards nearly as much. Maybe that is the secret to this whole thing. But it still doesn't lend all the answers.

I know we've all heard it - fat chicks give better head. But do they? Does the always hungry joke really work? When was the last time you saw ANYONE eating a hot dog by shoving it in and out of their mouth and just sucking on the damn thing? Oh hell no. If you watch a fat, or even a skinny but hungry person eat, you know this isn't true. All teeth! ALL teeth. So stop telling me a fat chick is going to treat my dingaling like a hot italian sausage, cause that is about the last thing I want to hear.

Is it about insecurity? Are skinny guys so afraid of rejection and being left by their lovers that they seek out the best known, lowest self esteemed of them all?

Is it about saving the earth? Skinny people everywhere are throwing out too many leftovers? What better way to fix that problem than to date a garbage disposal/vacuum cleaner?

It can't be about sex, no way. I've already wondered how fat people have sex. Skinny people just have ugly sex, it's all awkward and bones are constantly cracking and ribs are in the way. But how do you combine the two? Can you ever really let her on top? It's clear that skinny people can fit in some pretty tight spaces.

I don't get it. Maybe I don't want to get it. You can't exactly ask your buddy this question either..
-Hey dude, so just wondering, why are you dating a fat chick?
The good news is, if you do get brave enough to ask, a punch to the face from a skinny guy might make you bleed a little but would also likely break his arm.

2007-04-08T13:30:00.001-04:00

Unexpected Infamy

It will NEVER not have some form of entertainment. I don't know if any of you losers watch the videos on here, I sure don't. But there will always be uneducated, ugly ass people to rip on. And the other part I like about Myspace, is that I actually get messages from "friends", recommending that I tear apart, or at least address the deformities, of these outcasts in our society. Which leads me to my next trick.

Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And she's like "Get your own fucking milkshake I'M HUNGRY"

Man, where to start.

First thing I noticed was that she was single- I had to wonder why. Especially since she appears to think she is sexy, with her huge "I'd hit it" sign. Now listen folks, I will always preach that you should have some degree of self esteem. Well, until now. Strike one was living in Kentucky. Don't get me wrong friends, I am sure there are at least 3 people in Kentucky that contribute positively to society. And I don't mean contributions of funny mullet pictures, aiding the National Flannel Society in staying alive, providing the before pictures in dentist offices to scare children straight... etc. Heck I am sure some can even make a killer moonshine that won't strike you blind. But let's be honest. Most are probably making or smoking meth, having sex with cousins that are only "sorta related", say words that don't exist in the English language (I bet ain't is a hot word there), and ----- make me feel better when I watch Cops. What was my point? Oh, right. Short and sweet- no reason for her to have self esteem. Not that I want her binging and purging, I can only imagine the screams coming from her toilet. But, seriously, how slimming can your mirror be? Strike two is actually having a caption where she says she looks sexy. Funny, I thought she looked exactly like a Cabbage Patch Kid. Actually, now that I think of it, she really, really does. Kinda creepy.

MOVING ON- who gets glamour shots these days? You know that is her mother's Match.com picture. Look closely, and tell me that isn't a man with a wig. Those must have been some professional photographers, they forgot to shave her facial hair. How much CZ can one person wear???

My next question- How big is that photo booth they are squeezed into? Mom looks like she is fighting with playdough. You know once ma pulled out of there, a lasting impression slowly pushed out of the mass of human it was just pressed into. And much like silly putty, though it regained shape, it was stuck with a perfect print of mother's finest shirt.

Another quick question- how fucking large was that baby when it was born? Mother must be stuck with a canyon vagina- seriously. Hot dog down a hallway is but child's play next to the subway tunnels that behemoth left behind. That may be the reason that you don't see father in the picture. That or he got sick of kissing his own sister and moved onto extended family. But hey, I am just speculating here.

What is sad, and what I am looking for, was a full body shot. I know most of us have seen cankles (for those of you who don't know, that is the blending of the calf, and the ankle) But have you ever seen a booble? There is no way there is any distinct definition of where one body part ends, and another starts. I don't know what is worse- that I am picturing her naked right now, in order to come up with this comparison- or that someone, somewhere, has probably seen her naked and maybe even got a little twinge in the groin while doing so.

Anyone who likes Insane Clown Posse needs help. They are the advocate for white trash everywhere. Even the Klan can get jiggy with that shit. Though without showing me, I probably could have guessed from reading her attempts at English. I LOVE when someone is so fucking stoopid, that he or she actually writes about how BOARD he/she is. That isn't just a typo people. I'll let her slide on the frEInd mistake. Someone tried to tell her I before E and she got very very confused... trying to have IM sex with her brother, she wrote the word PINES and it was all downhill from there (think about it...)

And then I come to the picture of the marijuana leaf, which is both classy, and beautiful. Probably on the fridge, that way she gets to see it 36 times a day. If any of you can decipher the caption she wrote under there, let me know- there is a hefty award, and a job for you somewhere in Kentucky.

Vampirefreaks.com? I can't imagine they would ever make a trenchcoat that large. But she sure has plenty of places to hide weapons....

I was going to continue on... but then I saw that she writes poetry. That shit is deep. I'll end this now, and go be inspired.

Just rememeber, I don't find these people. You sick bastards feed them to me!

Prepare for the apocalypse... or just keep drinking beers

2007-03-01T18:06:00.001-05:00

We all know it's coming people, and in the end it will probably be the United States that brings it about, or at least our conquest for democracy (see: domination/oppression) we think (force) every country should adopt (or we will consider you terrorists).

One great example of that is shows on Fox. Fox has come up with some greats, in the past it was Cops that gave a refreshing view of how many ugly dirty scumbags there are, and just how stupid most criminals really are.

Then came the Swan. Where Fox took some really really ugly bitches with a sob story (what ugly person doesn't have a sad story somewhere in his or her life) and gave them a ton of plastic surgery and some coaching to make them all feel pretty (and unable to ever frown again). Now that, was a classy show. Why teach the women to love themselves for who they really are, when you can cover it all up with botox and fake teeth and lyposuction? Not only that, these poor broads now look fantastic on the outside, are goign to gain back any potential weight because all you did was vacuum it out, and you now have a bunch of FOX-y ladies that are going to be the prey of any half witted man who realizes "Hey, she still has no self esteem!" Perfect. And if they had a boyfriend they decide to stay with, you know he was some lazy ugly schmuck himself who now gets to beat up on his hot new barbie doll. Couldn't have picked a better idea for a show myself. Fox: the channel of morals.

Well tonight, was another fantastic new breakthrough in humiliating and degrading the American public was born. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Who comes up with this shit? If you didn't catch it, I suggest watching it sometime in the next 2 weeks because I will personally put down a hefty money bet that this show lasts about a month long. In case the rest of the world doesn't already perceive us as the dumbest creatures ever (Note: We are likely represented by characters like Paris Hilton... not exactly a 1600 on her SAT's, but passed her STDs with flying colors!) Now, we are put to the test against a bunch of genius 5th graders that have not yet discovered SEX, DRUGS, DRINKING, and most other loose morals. So basically, these kids love school, because they don't know of all the wonderful other things there are that can kill brain cells, as opposed to filling them with useful knowledge.
One kid looked reminded me of that chubby bastard with the rat-tail in Billy Madison. And I wanted to jump through the screen and pinch his little cheeks and make sure he never gets to HIKE school. Because jumping around excited that you knew what REM sleep was, really won't get you much pussy later on in life. But neither will being fat and wearing plaid, right?

Needless to say, the contestants were complete morons and it appears Fox will do anything in it's power to try and prove we are all a bunch of idiots that forget the value of a good education- at least I think? Of course the choice for Jeff Foxworthy, famous for his redneck jokes, makes that all a little puzzling- but anyway.

I could sit here and pretend I got every question right. In fact, I missed half the show. But I got a question on Pilgrims wrong, I'll go ahead and admit, some 5th grader was smarter than I am. But does that little fuck also know what syphillis infested blankets and mass-genocide is? WASN'T MUCH OF A THANKSGIVING FEAST AFTER ALL NOW WAS IT?!?! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!!!!! IN YO FACE 5TH GRADERS.

To clarify, it is a show, on a channel that is known for being extremely republican (watch the Fox News Channel, it is about as fair and balanced as the witch hunts were in Salem) and it has decided to air a show that proves America is full of morons. Yet the same republican channel, which is "led" by the current President of the United States- must fail to recognize that that fearless leader is deciding every day to put more of the budget into the military, and less into education. Chew on that?

Currently in the audition process to go on that show and make 10 year olds scream and cry. Watch for me.

The end is near!

Worst "HOLIDAY" ever.

2007-03-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

Ah February 14th. One of 365 days always circled in every young woman's mind. Is it really a holiday? Do any of you even know that it is named after a Saint? So anyway, apparently this Saint Valentine outlawed marriage for young men because "single men made better soldiers". Can't say I agree with that. Single men still get laid, right? What makes a man angrier than no sex? Clouded judgement, my good Saint. Anyway he was killed for his actions. BUT, while in jail, he wrote a letter to a young woman he was falling for, and at the end, wrote "From your Valentine". I'm sure most of the story is bullshit, but anyway- this is quite the reason for romance, if you ask me. Eventually this was passed along, and now it is the SECOND LARGEST CARD-SENDING HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!! (To Christmas, of course)

If that doesn't prove it is a Hallmark Holiday, I don't know what does.

Ladies, let me break it down for you real quick. No guy enjoys Valentine's day. It's way way worse than an anniversary, because everyone celebrates this "holiday" at the same time. So the pressure to step up is multiplied exponentially. Chances are you will be able to find a restaurant to book for your anniversary. Same goes with finding a nice flower arrangement, and thinking and being able to do something romantic that NO ONE ELSE will think of. Good fucking luck on February 14th. But no woman would ever see it that way. Instead it would just be chalked up to failure on your part- and when all her girlfriends are bragging about the chic restaurants they went to and the 9 dozen roses spread across the bed and in the tub with Kenny G playing love songs LIVE- the fury will start to bubble over. If you ask me, this holiday is just a way for women to prove to themselves and their sisters that there is always someone better out there- that we men fail at everything we try to do for you, and that we should just be enslaved for mating purposes.

Flowers are pretty and smell good. Yipee. They die, in like 2 days. All that fucking money, for some red flowers that everyone else is buying at the same damn time, and you still feel special and loved? You think Saint Valentine had any flowers when he was in prison?? He may have lost his flower, but that's a whole different topic.

Now why would we want to feed you chocolates? With the media teaching us anorexic is the new hot, the last thing we want is for your ass to get fat. Then our friends joke about you, doorways and stairwells become a little more snug for two way traffic, you can't fit into our favorite set of panties you have anymore, you take up too much of the bed and spooning becomes a strange event where our own rear winds up hanging half off the bed, exposed to the cold. FUCK THAT! For Valentines Day I want to bring you to the god damn gym and set the treadmill on super fast while I go do my routine. That way we will all feel and look sexy for the night that we pretend to care about to keep you smiling. Plus, if Saint Valentine had any chocolate while he was there on old school death row, don't you think he would have kept the shit for himself?

And cards? All guys have sloppy ass hand writing. If you want to show off to your girlfriends that a 3rd grader wrote youa love letter, be my guest. But expect it to be unoriginal and extremely cliche. Also expect poor word choice, typographical errors, and plagiarism. We are unoriginal, and not afraid to admit it. I don't believe in writing cards. I am considering hiring someone for the year, just to write all my Thank You's, Happy Birthdays, Thinking of Yous, Get Wells, and I'm Breaking Up With Yous Cause You Are a Psychotic Dirty Hooker. I never understood the whole card thing, especially this day and age with things broadly labeled under "Modern Technology".

What is the big fucking deal? I have boycotted Valentine's Day for years now, and I am getting along just fine. But, unlike the single women that pretend to boycott it, I really could care less about today. I like when groups of girls get together in their celebration of "hating Valentines Day". Because at some point during the vodka and cranberry juice festivities, it hits them. Wow, my drink is red. That's like my heart. My heart aches, I long for a man. Oh, sad sad Valentine's Day, why do I have to be lonely again? Cue the sobbing on the inside, the self loathing and probably a one night stand that one party might not expect to be only a one night stand.

I again don't have a Valentine this year, or anyone with big expectations out of me- it's shitting sleet and rain and cold outside, I just stepped in 12 puddles that were past my ankle- I'm wet and hungry and pissed and the LAST thing I want is to run around and try to make my boo feel like she is the most important person in the world. And trust me ladies, your boyfriend feels the exact same way.

Try him out sometime. When it is getting close to Valentine's Day, no matter HOW much you love it and want it to be the best day ever- bring this up. Say to him "Oh honey, I hate Valentine's Day... let's not celebrate, okay?" Say it in person. Watch his fucking mouth drop to the floor, his eyes bug out wider than Reche Caldwell when a pass is coming his way, and look very very closely for a tear or two to start (tear of joy, no doubt). Any man who gave a SHIT about Valentines Day would try and stop you from the maddness (genius) you are spitting from your mouth. The only other way you will get this response is if you have been with him more than a year, and he is calling your bluff.

I am shooting for a movement. If you women, and you lame ass card stores and flower boutiques insist on keeping Valentine's Day so highly coveted; I want a holiday. And don't give me the Father's Day bullshit because there is a female counterpart to that to, and I'm 93% sure I am not a father (unless there is a boy out there growing up to be a professional sports player, actor, investment banker, President, etc.... in that case- daddy's riiight here!) I want to call it the Shutup, I Don't Want Any Romance Just A Good Blowjob Like You Used To Give Along With A Few Of My Favorite Beers, A Free Pass At The Remote, And Forgiveness For Any Of The Stupid Bullshit Arguments We May Be Having, That Are Related To Things Up To Five Years Ago. Now that, would be a fucking holiday. If you women promise to give us that, maybe, just maybe, we men will continue to honor your ridiculous middle of the winter overcelebrated and underestimated joke of a holiday.

And in the news....

2007-03-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

So recently in the news was a rather tragic story most of you would never see. No, not that Tom Brady is going to be a father. WHO CARES? Plus, anyone that careless with his passes in playoff games obviously wouldn't wear a rubber and make sure his sweetheart is on birth control. Same sweetheart that was nearing the end of her biological clock... that's another topic.

No, no, this one takes place much farther south. Georgia, to be exact (GO BULLDOGS). There currently is a man in jail, who is serving a TEN year sentence, for getting a blowjob. I know, there must be more to it, right? Well.... not really. When this guy was 17 years old, he received CONSENSUAL oral sex from a 15 year old. Okay, still doesn't seem weird, so what's the story?

Well, there are a shitload of weird laws out there, that are just never updated, challenged, or changed, to reflect the changing times. This happens to be a case of a weird law, and a couple poor choices.

Under Georgia law at the time, this was considered aggravated child molestation- and a FELONY for teens LESS THAN three years apart to have oral sex. I know- makes no sense. Especially since it stresses less than three years apart. And, it gets worse- poor guy shouldn't have settled for some dome- it is only a MISDEMEANOR for those same teens to have sexual intercourse. You think that's something they teach in sex ed??
"Now kids, next time you're at a party, with a teenage girl less than three years older or younger than you, and she wants to suck you off.... you bitch slap that ho, say fuck no, and tell her it's penetration or nothing!" I can just envision the t-shirt sales now....

So it gets better. Not only did this guy catch a hummer from some eager 15 year old- it was at a party, in front of people. How many, not exactly sure, but if you check the VIDEO, you're bound to find out. Oh, right, someone videotaped it as well. Not just that, but this poor son of a bitch was #2 of 2 that night. Yep, the video clearly shows her playing wet willy with some other clown, wiping her mouth and sliding over to the next victim. Let's examine the poor choices so far:

This hot shot football player is at some party his senior year. He hears about some drunk freshman going around looking to slurp some baby batter, so he raises his hand... at the same time his buddy does. They decide to shoot rock paper scissors for it, and the stupid bastard chooses PAPER on his first try. Touch luck bro, your buddy took scissors. Shit, so close. But then, little slut in training speaks up and offers to take you both- one at a time of course, she isn't a whore yet. JACKPOT, right? No. Once you learn you are going to be sloppy seconds, WALK AWAY. At least that's what my daddy taught me.

Next, why the fuck would you ever want that videotaped? I can understand if you're hung like a horse, and want the whole class to see how huge you are- but that is a case when the reputation should be able to spread quicker than a copy that clearly shows you were willing and able to let some little girl make you her (hopefully) 2nd of the night. Then you let the copy of the tape get out, as potential blackmail/evidence?? All I can think of is Menace II Society..

So this guy is in jail, over 5 years now, and probably has given quite a few blowjobs himself since this all went down. The girl admitted on trial that it was all consensual and she initiated it. Her father must have been proud, watching that tape in front of a courtroom- judge, jury, reporters... pure class. I'm sure she must be studying a double major now at one of those Ivy-leagues.

If anything is to be taken funny from all of this, it is the name of the lawyer that this guy hired to represent him- AND I SHIT YOU NOT- B.J. Bernstein. AND, B.J. happens to be a female. The irony, the symbolism, that alone, caused me to almost fall out of my chair, you can't imagine that wasn't purposeful, can you????

The m00n rul3z

2007-02-01T19:25:00.001-05:00

This whole "BOMB" scare, made the city look like one big, fat, stanky, gaping vagina. Yep, it's true. We have our fearless Mayor Menino, looking like god damn Napoleon- flexing his little muscles against the big bad Turner Broadcasting, which by the way owns just about everything in the world. Right now, Ted Turner is getting a massage by 19 Chinese supermodels, while smoking the most expensive Cuban cigar ever, that he lit with thousand dollar bills, wondering if he should rename Faneuil Hall after himself, or the Common. He doesn't give a fuck, and he shouldn't have to.

9 OTHER BIG CITIES HAD EXACTLY THIS DONE TO THEM. But nobody hears about it until someone in Boston got nervous and then, kabloom. Let me just say, these things had been planted for nearly 3 weeks, thank fucking GOD they weren't bombs. Good job on the anti-terrorism! Since when was anyone afraid of Lite Brite anyway? And it just goes to show you, more people should watch cartoons. If one saavy police officer had known about Aqua Teen Hunger Force, all this traffic snarling, river shutting down, campus closing bullshit would have ended with a big giggle and an explanation that it was just a Mooninite, and that the Moon Rulez and he loves giving the finger and smoking butts. Then the tiny mayor with a loud voice could have saved his ridiculous comments he will be forever remembered for. Revoke Turner's license to BROADCAST? ARE YOU JOKING? TNT, TBS, CNN, and Cartoon Network- at least one person in EVERY household with cable (Or Satellite- shout out to DirectTV) watches one, two, maybe all of these channels. People say drastic, ridiculous things at times of stress, this was a little overboard. Settle down big guy, or Ted will buy this city.

Why didn't New York give a damn? They shut down one street for like 3 minutes. If that's the worst thing going on in New York, the Cops are throwing a god damn keg party. Why didn't Seattle care? The same reason it is easy to be a weatherman there- it fucking sucks!
-And now to Ken with the weather, Ken?
--Thank you Sue. Tonight, there will be rain. Tomorrow morning, cloudy, chance of rain. And tomorrow night, more rain, at times heavy. Chance of sunshine on Saturday...... PSYCH!!! OOOHH, gotcha bitches!
-Oh Ken, you make my panties wet!

People in Seattle are already fucking miserable. They have potentially the most pathetic mascot in football. Even a dolphin wearing a helmet is cooler, and that's the only animal that is wearing one! A Seahawk? Ooooh, scary. Please don't glide over the Pacific picking up small defenseless fish. What a badass. People in Seattle were hoping they were bombs; they were running up and grabbing and eating the little plastic pegs and waiting for a KABOOOOOOOOOOM. Instead they had indigestion and glowing bowel movements.

Boston, don't get me wrong. I moved here because you rock. I love everything about you, but now everyone in the fucking country is laughing. Did you see the two guys who were arrested for posting these signs? LAUGHING IN COURT! WHO LAUGHS IN COURT? Yes, I found one of the guys on Myspace, and I added him, because I love his 15 minutes of fame and I wish I had the same damn thing, for promoting a TV show that is so misunderstood, and so fantastic. And you better believe come March, should the movie come out on time- I will take the day off work to go see the cinematic genius.

Next thing you know people in Boston will be calling 911 on those Obey Giant posters, saying that they saw the eyes move and that it smells like anthrax. Seriously.... LIGHTEN UP!

High of 32, Low of 6. Chance of bullshit: 100%

2007-02-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

Some Dane History....

2007-01-10T19:32:00.001-05:00

So believe it or not, I was in a fraternity at UMass. Don't get me wrong, I was like the rest of this Earth- never thought I would join sit I did not fit the prototypical "mold" that is so portrayed on mass media, and ingrained in our heads as follows:

A group of douchebag guys that stare at themselves in the mirror too much, get the same haircut (potentially a blowout), wear pink and headbands/wristbands because it happened to be trendy and pathetic, and had lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of women, only to dump them outside directly after getting off. Something along those lines, right? Oh and you have to be a moron and love drinking beer and some are even meatheads.

Well, that just wasn't me. I am NO meathead! The rest... well
I hope you sense my sarcasm. Anyway, my freshman year, I met a bunch of idiots that I happened to work well with (see: get drunk with). On my floor, 2 kids had decided to pledge this fraternity their first semester. Also on my floor lived 2 other "older brothers" and a few floors down, other friends that were part of the same frat. Basically these losers were all over the place. But if we were all friends, I must have been a loser as well, right? So one day, during the whole pledge process, this one kid turned to me and said "Hey why don't you pledge next semester?" And I'm all "Nah, I'm not a meathead, just the rest of those terrible things..." But I slept on it, and I thought, well- it's a reason to move out of the dorms, if nothing else. Nothing like paying for your friends, right? So I pledged. And without doing that, I wouldn't be the person I am today, in the situation I am today, living with the friends I live with today. Quite the contrary, I would probably have a perfectly healthy liver, I would have graduated at LEAST Cum Laude and I would be prosperous and some form of psychologist.

BUT WHO WANTS THAT? I'm happy, my liver is probably running somewhere around 83% of it's max function (Shout out to the Milk Thistle- HOLLA) and I have a good job and good people surrounding me. Probably the only reason I joined anyway was that these guys weren't like the definition everyone has held as true. They were a diverse group of guys that liked to come together, throw a mean party, drink until the sun came up, and rock 80's music until the headbanging hurt. If that isn't the coolest thing ever, I don't know what is.

The point is, it shaped me in many ways that NOT joining may not have been able to. I went through a lot of shit, and a lot of growing up in that fraternity. Sure there was pathetic boy drama, what do you expect when you get 25-30 guys living together in one house, and sharing 3 and very occasionally 4 functioning showers and really only one amazing toilet (3rd floor toilet was more sought after than vagina on some occasions). But it also taught me a few things, respect for your "elders" not being one of those lessons. It taught me I could get away with some crazy shit, and always have some idiots behind me to back me up, because we were "all brothers, all men" We lost a dear dear friend, Frankie boy, who happened to live directly below me; and I still think about him anytime I hear his favorite song of the time... Beautiful, by Snoop Dogg. That's life: there is growth, and there is death.

Pledging was nothing more than a huge mindfuck, and taught me a very, very valuable lesson. No matter what game you are trying to play, respect is an issue that is never forgotten. I can clearly remember at least one or two guys who fucked with us because it was part of the process, and then directly after the fact expected handshakes and everything to be forgotten. That is absolutely a lesson that can be applied once you are no longer a douchebag and in the real world, let me tell ya.

I never regret my decision to join a fraternity for even a second. We had some wild parties, and I made some amazing friends that I will never lose. I learned some lessons, and I taught some as well.

I am not even sure I have a point here, I just want you to understand these next few memories I am about to spit about living in the fraternity, and some of the mayhem that may or may not have happened. Some is up for speculation because now and then we all get blackout drunk and have to hear about the memories of events through others' stories.

PSA for Weed.

2007-01-10T19:30:00.000-05:00

So this is what happens when you smoke too much....

Getting over a hangover at my place, downstairs watching football like we have been all day. Someone comes over with too much weed and wants to smoke it. Well shit, I want my headache to go away and my appetite to come back. So what do I do? Smoke a lot of weed. And what does that cause, besides hunger and laziness? Stupidity, and I love it.

Boise State is playing right now. They are from, go figure, Idaho. So we get some interesting Idaho commercials during the breaks. One was for a woman advertising healthy diets and losing weight. What was she pushing? Idaho potatoes..... let's be honest, can you think of ANYTHING else that might come from Idaho? I thought so. So this woman was trying to say if you eat tons and tons of Idaho potatoes, with sour cream, bacon bits, ketchup, olive oil, butter, margarine, salt, WHATEVER... that you will get healthy? So I cracked on it, we may have gone too far but we joked about it for a good 3 minutes, and since we are all high, it only became more ridiculous, and more hilarious, with each passing contribution.

Then a light bulb goes off in my friend's head. Now this is something maybe he would normally take a little more time thinking through, but not this night. He turns to my friend and I, giggling like school girls because we can hardly breathe, and our rib cages are starting to hurt.. and he offers up a gem

"Well that is the irony of the potato family" with a shit eating grin and squinty red eyes he looks at us and declares that statement. Now, giving him the benefit of the doubt due to the marijuana intake, and also knowing I was high myself and potentially missing a simple connection... I thought, I thought hard for a long minute. Potentially the longest minute I've experienced in a long while. I played out all the scenarios- was it a play on words? Nope. is there some family with the last name Potato that is really fat?? No, but I thought about that one for a while...

What does he mean why is he laughing is my other friend laughing does anyone understand man am I hungry hold on where was I what did he just say?

That may have been about a minute by then... so I asked him "What the fuck are you talking about?"
At this point, the laughing is more of a gasp for air than anything. My roomate has now put the blanket over his head and is hiding in order to try and stop the laughter. Good luck, stoner. I grill him hard and he has just no explanation for what the statement can be.. but he presses on with ridiculous attempts at making some semblance from a pile or horse shit. But he has nothing, so I call his bluff. I told him he can admit to saying some BS he thought may have sounded so intelligent that it wouldn't be questioned by a couple of high kids, and I would leave him alone. After one more attempt at making sense, no one able to even rebutt due to lack of oxygen to the brain, he concedes defeat. Now that, would be a commercial to keep kids from smoking weed. I could see it now.

KIDS! Do you want to be high and worthless for hours and say really really stupid shit that might embarass you in front of your friends? And then they would run my story right here and it would end with one of us grabbing Daddy's gun to play or riding our bikes out the second floor window.

I am a genius.

In a real life attempt at instant replay, we talked for a few minutes about how funny what just happened was, and how none of us will remember in a half hour, especially if we smoke again (nightcap?)
And I ran upstairs to share my story and really, to help my own damn memory out.

Bus Etiquette

2006-11-10T17:47:00.000-05:00

Alright people, it's Friday. Everyone should be pumped, gettin the hell out of the office, long friggin week, and ready to party. Or relax, or both, or whatever. People should NOT be so fucking uptight right now.

So since I moved to Boston in June I have been taking the bus to work. Super easy, super convenient, relatively cheap. And I have my iPod (shameless plug) because it keeps me entertained. Normally I have a book too, but the bus is too fucking quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to hear other people's conversations. I don't want to hear people coughing and weezing, and I can't stand silence for too long. So I have my music, a book, my phone, and I'm good. And I have NEVER had a problem on the bus. But apparently there is bus etiquette that I broke on the ride back, and boy, my heart rate just went down.

To me, the only thing offensive on the bus is when someone smells like a pile of dung. That or cigarettes. And excuse me, but fatties that take up more than their half of the seat, that's not cool either. I don't smoke, of course I always smell good, and I'm only secretly fat. So I never though there was a problem. Rarely will I talk on the phone on the bus, normally it's a text only zone, unless the call is important and at least I try to keep quiet, because I know people are listening. Not because I am important, because they are too poor to buy an iPod (shameless #2).

So I took the hot seat on the ride home today. There is one double seat facing forward with extra leg room. And boy, is it Heaven. And heavily sought after, so normally people will snatch it up before I get there. But today was my lucky day. So some 40-something woman sits next to me. She's a regular, can't say I've ever had the pleasure of sitting with her before. No biggie. I have my book, my music, and my texts, and it's Friday. I'm golden, right? Well a few songs into it, she starts looking at me. I pay no mind, I'm half asleep and trying to read and I don't give a shit if my music is offensive, it's in my damn ears.

So another song comes on, and she must not have been feeling the beat. Guess what? FUCK OFF! Don't care. She's there reading the newspaper... lady, it already happened. Watch the news when you get home, the newspaper is gay. Yes, gay. So she actually turns her whole head, and stares at me. Thank God I have a book in my hands, I wanted to strangle her. She doesn't even have the (proverbial) balls to tell me to turn it down, she just has a look of smug disgust I can see out of the corner of my eye, and I pay her NO MIND. It's FRIDAY, lighten up you old salty bitch. I'll admit, I played the nice guy role and turned it down... slightly. But totally super ninja stealth mode so this evil whore wouldn't know that she had won, to some extent. After a scoff she turns back to her OLD NEWS and I continue to read, but now I'm shaking my leg and my heart starts to beat a little faster. I think of everything I want to say.
"Yeah, I wouldn't sit next to me either"
"It's Friday, how about you simma down NAH?"
"I'm sorry, is this offending you? There's open standing room over there"
"Is that a stick in your ass or are you always this grumpy"

But I wait for her to strike first. I picture her assaulting me, I can see her pulling out the earbud and screaming at me for being an immature little prick who won't turn his music down... my mind wanders. Heart beats faster, I can feel it thumping. Why? Fight or flight response? Weird, cause I got nowhere to run, and I sure can't punch a middle aged woman in the face (can I?) Of course she won't do anything, maybe complain to the bus driver?

Nothing happens, go figure. She gives me another few futile looks, watches me as I pull out my phone to send a text to my roomate (I just got 4 tickets to the Patriots/Lions game) and then I close my book. Well good thing she wants to see just what I'm reading. Probably something about hip hop or the ghetto or graffiti, right you crooked cunt?
That's what is funny. My book happens to be called "Devil in the White City". Which makes me sound like a Black Panther trying to start a revolution. My mix of hip hop probably isn't helping my cause, of her bullshit stereotype. But my book actually has to do with a non-fiction recount of a murderer in Chicago (White City) during the World Fair in the 1890's. So then I'm hoping she says something before she leaves, so I can throw it in her face how ignorant and pathetic she is, and that it's Friday and I need to go get drunk and flirt with young women because I am not a grumpy old fart who has nothing to do tonight but make tea and go to bed at 8:30.

But nothing happens. The bus comes to her stop, she leaves. My stop is next, I get off, make sure she isn't chasing me with a makeshift shank, and I go on my way. A man in front of me drops his wallet, and I chase him down to give it back to him. He was a 49er's fan, how unfortunate. So I guess something good has to happen to me tonight.. right?

Fuck Minivans!@!

2006-10-31T22:15:00.000-05:00

You know what I hate? Minivans on the highway. I pretty much hate minivans in general, which is why I will never EVER drive one. There is a requirement for my wife: she must absolutely hate minivans as well. I'll drive an SUV (and hate it) only when warranted by family vacations with the kids.

The reason I hate them? The driver never seems to understand that he or she is in a minivan. Living in Massachusetts, people are fucking crazy enough on the roads. But when I am in the "passing lane" on the Pike, going 80, and suddenly there is a fucking huge minivan on my ass, we have a problem.

1) the minivan is a family car. Meaning most times, there is a family in that car. If I find out you are driving 80 on the highway, passing CARS, in your ugly Dodge Caravan, with one or more children in the car, I will rip you out of your car, give you a noogie and indian rug burn, kick you in the junk and babymaker, and let you go on your way. What the fuck is a rush? If you want to drive like an idiot, have the right fucking car.

2) It is a V8 because it has to lug around your fat ass and your old McDonalds bags and screaming brats, not because it wants to swerve around on the highway, IDIOT. If you are irresponsible enough to be driving that way, and late for whatever important dates you are attending, then you are probably too stupid to make sure your children are wearing their seatbelts properly, also. Guess what happens when big fucking minivan speeding out of control gets in an accident? Yes, you have airbags, yipee. But your child just went through the windshield, asshole. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Are you just angry because you feel like less of a man? Way to be father of the year, douchebag. You signed up for soccer mom status when you had 12 children. Shoulda thought of that once you realized you had super sperm and she had fertile grounds. I don't know, get some tubes tied?

No one particularly likes driving, no one likes traffic, and no one is Massachusetts has to drive. But if you have a fucking minivan, stay out of the passing lane. Slow the fuck down, realize who you are, and what you are driving. Cause one day you are going to hit a puddle in that tank, and things won't be so easy.

And on a side note, what ever happened to the baby on board signs? I see a few here and there, but remember when they were the coolest thing ever? I want to address that quickly. What do the people who buy those signs think they do? It's the same cranky fucks in those neighborhoods that buy the "Slow Down: Children at play" signs. FUCK OFF! Teach your kids not to run in front of cars and everything should be okay. I'm not going to drive 10 mph past your house, just in case one of your braindead children throws a ball in the road and goes to chase it. Teach them to play videogames, or with themselves. Way less chance of being roadkill that way.

I'm glad you have a baby in your car, but guess what? If one of us is driving like an asshole, that sign won't stop a collision from happening, idiot. It's not like at the last second, after you blow a red light and I'm too busy paying attention to my phone conversation and gum chewing to see you being a moron, that I will be able to swerve out of the way and hit something else because "SHIT, BABY ON BOARD!" Give me a break.

I blame technology!

2006-10-29T09:31:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, there is a fad I was hoping would die quickly. Or, at least, be used sparingly and only when necessary. I was dead wrong.

Ever since this whole bluetooth thing came about, people everywhere have the need to try and look cool by wearing it, everywhere. Just one problem with that: you look like a fucking idiot, and people that don't see it think for a while you are giggling and talking to yourself, not a great first impression.

Bluetooth headsets have one use and one use only: talking while driving. There are few other times you would need to use both hands and focus on something while talking. Of course there is a pass for phone sex, I can see the need for a headset there. But that isn't in public. And if someone is talking you through making an origami crane, I might let it slide. But here's an example that doesn't make you cool.

I was in Circuit City a few weeks ago and saw a couple of fat 30 something dudes walking around together, trying to be studs. Two problems with that. They had bluetooth headsets in, just walking around shopping, probably trying to call the hot babe they met the night before at the bar! Did I mention they were fatties too? So not only were their belts bursting below their behemoth guts, they also had their flashy phones conveniently mounted somewhere by their FUPAs. This is a case where these guys may have actually been talking to themselves. Even the fake self esteem wasn't coming off well. I don't even work at the store and I wanted to strangle these two. On their stupid phones in line? That's going too far. If you go somewhere with a friend, doesn't that eliminate the need to desperately find someone to talk to, so you can try and show off your firm grasp of new technology? And talk about being rude, who the fuck gave you permission to have a conversation while trying to check out? Not only are you holding up the line (see: Me, behind you, getting pissed) you are confusing the clerk and she wants to stab your eyes out because she has asked you three times to swipe your fucking credit card again and you can't hear her because you must be wheelin and dealin on the side conversation. Probably maxed your little platinum bitch out spending $500 on everything new and hot. LOSER.

Something else that didn't make sense. Someone not as trendy was using a hands free while having lunch. I'm talking the original hands free, the long wire with the earpiece. Now that's keepin it real. Using that while eating, that's normally fair and all, don't want the phone greasy, need one hand to eat and one to drink and/or write down important notes. But she was done eating, and was reading a newspaper, and doodling. In other words, there was no reason for her to need to have her hands free. None at all. And yet, she continued on. And it did take me a few minutes to realize what she was up to. Then I thought maybe she worked for the FBI and was after me for... well, maybe that will be in another blog.

I guess my point is:
You look dumb, and the person on the other line can barely hear you. All you can hear is wind or background noise. If you aren't driving, or you clearly have at least one hand free, hold your damn phone. You won't get less pussy/dick that way, I promise. And! your battery will last longer. So you can make more calls to people that hate you anyway.

Pedestrian Murders

2006-10-16T17:44:00.000-04:00

Back when I lived in CT I wouldn't see this as much. But it can be the single most annoying, yet seemingly insignificant thing a pedestrian can do. I am speaking, of course, about the Walk signal. While it definitely does have it's significance, those aren't the times that make me want to hop out of my car and strangle the person.

I understand, there are people who cannot cross the street as quickly as others. Physically disabled, older people, stoners, etc. They utilize the walk signal properly and I don't mind waiting the extra 30 seconds for them to cross.

And there are the "mean streets" of downtown Boston where rush hour pretty much mandates the need, less you want to get hit by the wonderful drivers so APTLY named Massholes.

Those aren't the people that get under my skin, no no.

As you all know, the walk signal turns all lights red for a short period of time to allow the otherwise lazy the chance to cross the road. In San Diego, they are a necessary evil. Absolutely no one jaywalks in San Diego. I swear to you, it is pretty creepy. I went there on vacation with a kid from Boston and I was visiting a kid from New York City. I think we walked in front of speeding cars more than we waited. And the homegrowns around there were completely fucking shocked. They wouldn't even follow us, normally jaywalkers will wait for other fellow criminals to begin to cross and follow suit. Not there. Instead they got nervous and looked around for cops. Because, as pathetic as it may seem, you WILL get a ticket for crossing the road without a walk signal in San Diego. For a bunch of seemingly braindead surfers and ex to current hippies, I guess I can understand the need for clear directions and a fair lane of travel to allow the foggy brains time to work. So not only were we dodging traffic, we were dodging Police and causing dismay amongst the locals.

But what happens, when you see someone hit the walk signal, and then fucking cross the road anyway? THAT, IS WHAT I HATE. If you can take the time to hit the walk signal and be a little bitch, you should be fucking stuck in your damn tracks until that little white light telling you "It's okay you big pussy, it is safe enough to cross the road now". People will instinctively run up and hit the walk button any time they come to an intersection. Then they realize, OH , no traffic, check it out! And cross the street while all the lights turn red. At that point there are clear lanes for all the vehicles to go through, and yet none can because of the stupid little bird chirping and No Turn On Red signs. They should be changed to No Turn On Red Unless Some Asshole Hit The Walk Signal And Then Proceeded Anyway signs. People are impatient enough in their vehicles, an extra 20 seconds can be the difference between life and death in our time consumed little worlds. Now everyone is stuck for some fat guy that was afraid he would become road kill so he set down the Mega Gulp on his man boobs and pressed the walk signal, only to open his fat little eyelids and realize there was no one coming IN THE FIRST PLACE! So he lumbered on, realizing no idiot would want to hit him anyway because he would wind up totaling the car anyway.

Again, I have no problem with the elderly, the blind, or the disabled using this button. But the rest of you need to grow the fuck up and learn how to cross the road. Look both ways, and fucking run like hell!

While we're on the subjects of pedestrians and the roadways, what the fuck is up with bicyclists in the city? Last time I checked, sidewalks were invented for this fucking nerds. Yes, if you ride a bike you are a nerd. I'm sorry but it's true. Only BMX can get away with it, they aren't riding for transportation or a lame form of exercise. And they aren't wearing flourescent helments and don't have orange flags flying high above.

Now, what the fuck are these people doing in the road? Disrupting traffic and getting in my way, that's what they are doing. I used to ride a bike, we all did as kids. You know how easy it is to dump one of those. And I'll be damned if some douchebag loses his balance and falls into my car, trying to get some money even if it was an accident. Fuck that! I'll throw my bitch in reverse and go back over him. That way we're all clear, shoulda been off the road. There aren't any cars on the sidewalk, unless it is an episode of Cops. So get out of my way, stop using your gay hand signals, and please, please don't pretend you are a vehicle. Because if we get in an accident, unlike Fatty McGee I spoke of before, my vehicle will always win. There is nothing worse than pulling up to an intersection and suddenly being second in line at a red light to someone on a fucking bicycle, with his hand raised up like an L. That is, nothing worse except being stuck at that red light because of a walk signal, and watching someone trot way past the intersection not being considerate to the hell he or she has just caused in my world.

Thank you.

A rose, by any other name.....

2006-09-28T18:37:00.000-04:00

Why do girls call their vagina by such funny names?

Example: Cookie. Unless it is a hidden meaning saying, please eat the god damn thing. What kind of cookie? It doesn't even resemble a baked good normally laden with chocholate chunks, peanut butter, frosting, or the like. Cmon!!!!!!! I guess it's better than calling it a roast beef sandwich or anything it might slightly resemble though...

Example: Cooter. Seriously, what? Who even thought of this? I had to look it up, but there is an actual definition for cooter
1) cooter
n : large river turtle of the southern United States and
northern Mexico
So now a vagina is a slow moving amphibian? I guess I could see the resemblance to hiding in it's shell unless it feels comfortable....

Example: Flower. Alright, maybe if you were a virgin. Because then, you were hopefully still a young teenager, just BLOSSOMING, everything was coming into it's own and life was precious. Then it got tore up by a bunch of cock and now it looks nothing like that pretty rose it once could have been. Save the flower shit, you aren't fooling me, I know what's been in there. And bees have nothing in common with penis.

Example: Tinkerbell. Hot fairy that flies around Peter Pan, an obviously flamboyant and potentially homosexual little boy that "doesn't want to grow up". Is it all a phallic joke? You can't call it that either, that's just weird. Too many syllables, I would get lost somewhere around -er.

There are the forbidden words. No woman, unless in porn, will use the C word. The dreaded C-word. Why is it so evil? I'm missing something. I think it's funny, you know how I love the word SWUNT. So is that why porno chicks are the only ones saying it? Because every guy fantasizes about a babe telling him to fuck her cunt? That doesn't turn me on, I kinda wanna wash her mouth out with soap instead.
"How DARE you! This is over! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth??"
"No.. but I just kissed your...."

Anyway. Most other nicknames only come out in the heat of passion. Pussy, and any adjective to describe it's current state are probably the most common. But no woman outside of being turned on is likely to say that in a serious manner. And twat is just a British insult, and since I hate the Brits because their food sucks and their teeth are ugly, I will not call it a twat. And you shouldn't either. The Brits are too anal, literally.

Anyway, just a random question/thought/opinion/idea/mad rant....

Smelly smells

2006-09-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

I was posed with a question today walking home from the bus: What body part smelling in public is the most offensive?

There is some backstory to it all, of course. There is a girl who rides the same bus that I do downtown, and she has terrible personal hygiene. Her hair looks like a fucking birds nest. And it's red. It's a mess, it's all over the place, clearly she doesn't take the extra 20 minutes in the morning to shower- which is okay for some but... make yourself look somewhat presentable. Seriously. To top it off, not only is she a GINGER, not only does she have a cardinal's nest atop her head.. you should have seen her outfit. A skirt with black leggings, go figure. AND, some weird hiking sneaker type shoe, to go with her smelly everything. In fact she is probably wearing the same underwear she did lastnight. She's the kinda girl you wind up dating and always wondering what the smell is, worried that it's you. Nope, think again.

Anyway, as I'm walking home talking about how I want to drive by and spray her with deodorant and soap and powerwash her stank ass, that question was posed, with a few options.
a) Ass
b) Feet
c) Breath
d) Armpits

Let's start with A) Ass. I can't say I can distinctly remember a time when I said, man, that ass smells terrible. Except I am a guy, and when guys get together, they fart. Normally a lot, and make a spectacle of it. So I have thought to myself
"Man, something died in his anus lastnight" or,
"I am never sharing Taco Bell with him again". But those are just spurts, that is not the actual ass reeking, but the delicious food digesting and noxious gases being produced. Though there are all times when we play around too much, basketball or the like, and we are dripping head to toe and our boxers are deep inside the very crack of our asses- even then, we just smell like a sweaty fucking mess. I'm not sure I can distinguish the smell of just a stank ass. Maybe we'll have an experiment. Likely not.

B) Feet. Now those can smell bad. But normally you won't get a good sniff of feet unless they are in your face. The beauty of stinky feet is just that. They are FEET, and we can walk on them, keeping them as far away from our nose as possible. This does not apply to the vertically challenged (trying out something P.C. for once) or animals, that apparently have a much more keen sense of smell than humans. But maybe the stronger the sense of smell, the more delicious it is. Who knows, maybe sweaty feet smell like pot roast to a dog. Anyway, they can smell, but the only time that would matter is if you are getting intimate and the feet are flying in your face, or if you get stuck sleeping head to toe with someone. Or when someone takes off their shoe and shoves it in your face, but again, mostly a male thing.

C) Breath. Now this one can be killer, and way harder to avoid. Because some people are just close talkers, and you have no choice. It is real hard to assert your personal space to someone with absolutely no understanding of the concept, especially in situations such as the workplace, or a close friend at a party or somewhere crammed (elevator). And normally, those who talk the closest, also have the stankiest breath. That or they spit a lot when speaking. Always something. Bad breath is pretty friggin bad, and the person never takes the subtle hint to chew some gum when offered. This is definitely number two on my list of stanky stanks.

D) AND THE WINNER IS- ARMPITS. Not to be biased but I can think of a few groups of people that just absolutely do not beleive in deodorant, and I have no fucking clue why. And everywhere these people go, they stink up rooms, buildings, arenas. It is absolutely disgusting, and there is no hiding it. Stinky ass is contained to a small area, stinky feet are contained to shoes and normally far away from the olfactory senses. Stinky breath is cured with eating or avoidance of nose to mouth proximity. But stinky armpits? Good luck. There is no escape. It radiates, as if the entire body can produce the smell of unwashed armpits. It is without a doubt overwhelming, and the most offensive smell the body produces continually. (Note: a fart is equally as debilitating at times but, that lasts but for a few seconds before fading. We are talking about stinks that last) There is NO getting used to this smell. And it normally travels in packs. Because, cmon, who would hang out alone with someone that reeks like that? There needs to be a small support group, a travelling stink bomb. I fucking hate people that refuse to cover up this smell. I don't give a shit if you don't believe in it, you are offending others and remember, I want to, and if drunk, might punch you in the face for being a fucking prick and not realizing it.

Being a non-smoker, there is another smell that all non-smokers join in and can agree is equally terrible, because it can rub off. That is the smell of someone who just smoked a nice big cigarette, in which they probably inhaled less than 1/3 of the thing, while their skin, clothes, and hair absorbed the rest, and absorbed it well. If you want to go around smelling like a fucking ashtray, be my guest. I don't care, I probably won't make out with you though. But if you want to smell like that shit, and then sit next to me on a fucking bus, I might push you out of the seat. Because I'll be damned if I am going to smell like that cancer you are forcing everyone else to deal with, you nasty bastard. I won't judge you for being hooked, for having yellow teeth and coughing constantly and having nasty hair and clothes- but don't drag me into your smoke filled world. It's dirty and smelly and leaves a film all over you and everything you own. Deeeeeeeelicious.

a... goodbye kiss?

2006-09-16T09:49:00.000-04:00

Face it: some people hook up and never talk again. One night stands, whether intentional or not, happen all the time, especially in my age group. There are tons of reasons the relationship doesn't continue:
Dude is a douchebag, girl is a sloppy bitch, something smelled bad or someone farted, bad kissing, small penis, big vagina, whatever. There are thousands of reasons that can keep a relationship from going past the initial hook up, be it just kissing and cuddling or wild double penetration.

Yet, whether the person stays or not, there is always the awkward "afterwards" stage, when no one really knows what to do, and it's really uncomfortable. Especially if you have to drive the person home. What do you do? Hold hands? Who the fuck wants to hold hands with someone, and not know the other person's last name? Or anything about that person except he was good in bed but he needs deodorant. Or she did that great thing with her tongue but man did she have a gap in her teef. Yes teef. Probably the most awkward point, and my focal point of this whole scenario, is the final kiss. Some people consider kissing extremely intimate. I agree. I think kissing can tell you a lot about a person. How reserved or wild they are, skill level at certain things- I believe you can figure out almost entirely how good someone will be sexually, based solely on their kissing ability. Call me crazy, but you are thinking deep down somewhere that I am probably right.

So what's up with this last kiss? Especially seeing as it is more likely than not, a goodbye kiss. But goodbye forever. Like, "Hey, thanks for the poon you dirty hooker, but your cooter is bigger than a pint glass and smelled like it needed a couple washings. I'll talk to you never". Or, "thanks dude. I know you think you're great in bed, but you got off in about 3 minutes. I only moaned because you have huge balls and they slapped against my ass pretty hard. In fact, it was more of a pain yelp"

Is it obligatory? Do we just not know what else to do? Is that both parties, feigning interest in seeing eachother again? What is the deal with all of this! I WANT ANSWERS! Is the guy trying to be nice, and pretend he isn't a huge douchebag? Give it up, she probably used you just as much if not more than you used her. Unless she said the words "I love you" during the act. Then you should be really nervous and kiss her so you don't lose a testicle, and then change your address and fast. Or does the woman just feel bad, knowing the poor sap is probably all into her now cause she has a bangin body? Please girl, you're like the Cleveland Browns. Nice uniform, ugly helmet. He's kissing you when no one is looking.

All in all, think about it for a second. Depending on how wild a time you may have had- you actually DO know where that mouth has been. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dissection of a phrase.

2006-09-12T00:09:00.000-04:00

It is that fateful day. What will forever be, one week before my birthday, also happens to be the anniversary of the biggest tragedy to strike American soil. Around this time is also football season, which makes a big deal out of it all. And then creeps in the story of the ex-football player turned Armed Forces, Pat Tillman. He stopped playing football to go to the Middle East and fight for his country. Unfortunately, he was killed during a mission by "friendly fire". What the fuck kind of phrase is that?

friendly fire
      n : fire that injures or kills an ally

Okay, I understand WHAT it means. He was accidentally shot either by crossfire or by someone who thought he was the enemy. That much I can comprehend.... I just want to know who tagged it with such a ridiculous name. FRIENDLY, FIRE. There is nothing FRIENDLY about bullets being shot AT, and hopefully not into, your body and/or face. I cannot think of something LESS friendly. Assume, best case scenario, the sharpshooter there misses taking off your left nut by a hair. What can he say?
"Shit, sorry bro, you suddenly looked way tanner and in need of a shave. But hey, it's cool right? Friendly fire maaaaaan. Let's get some beers and eat some goat."

I see nothing, NOTHING that could even be potentially friendly about shooting in the general direction of an ally. Nor do I understand how it seems to happen so often. I thought the first thing you were taught in a firefight is to avoid the possibility of crossfire by not standing ACROSS FROM YOUR MAN SHOOTING IN YOUR DIRECTION. But what do I know, I'm just a civilian.

Collateral Damage, at least that makes sense. That's a good way for the government to say, lightly, we bombed a bunch of bad guys but there also happened to be eighteen innocent women and children in the way. But hey, WE GOT THOSE BAD GUYS! The rest, eh, ya know, move the fuck out of the blast radius next time. Hiroshima would be a decent example where calling it "collateral damage" is a fantastic way to excuse reducing an island to rubble. Because there must have been at least six or seven people in that zone that were responsible for Pearl Harbor attacks, right?

I can think of way more things I would rather be friendly. I would rather someone Friendly Sleeps with my Girlfriend, or Friendly Feeds my dog Chocolate. I would rather someone Friendly Stabs me in the Foot. At least those give me a good chance of getting the motherfucker back with something way less friendly. In this case, not only are you losing a friend, you're losing all your damn friends. So what kind of glory is there in this phrase? Is it a better way to say "Fucked Up Fire" or "Holy Shit Oops I Hope I don't get Demoted but Damn he Always Kinda Pissed me off Anyway Fire"? What's the story here, I want details. I want it to be changed.

Ex-friendly fire. Enemy Attempted Fire. Anything but friendly, cause nothin quite says companionship LESS than armor piercing bullets flying at your dome.

Again.... what do I know?

Describe yourself.

2006-08-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

I was recently reminded of the "elevator pitch". Suppose you have no more than 45 seconds to sell yourself to anyone that asks, what would you say? Most of you would sit there and wind up with something along these lines:
"I like to have fun and I think I am a people person".
Yawn, how thrilling.

But seriously, when did we lose touch with what we are, and what makes us unique? Granted, some of us really are just boring, run of the mill, bump in the road types. Those people will never make impacts in anyone's lives except the dog or cat they choose to feed a different type of food once a week. Now THAT is excitement.

Each one of us is on public display in some form or another. In the most basic, plenty of people have profiles, on Myspace or the like. And in the section, it asks you to describe yourself. Great, talk about a time for creativity. Completely open ended, run with it. Creativity and imagination is what can separate us. Though minds might think alike, in the end, there is always a twist to each that no one else would really have. So how can someone fuck that up, huh?

Apparently pretty easily. Take a glance at a few people, and what they have to say. I can guarantee at least half, if not more, will talk about how they are "down to earth" and "like to have fun". WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? First off, we are all down to Earth, that is just called gravity. Thank you for that explanation. And someone who has to explain his or herself as such, is probably completely nuts. If you aren't done yawning after that, move on a little. It continues on to tell you the person's name and nicknames. No one gives a shit. Your nickname could be Rabbit Testicles, it probably means absolutely nothing to a stranger, and you sure as fuck don't want a stranger calling you by a name given to you for a reason, by close peers. To be honest, I sometimes get a little weirded out when someone I don't know, never will know, sends me a message and calls me by my first name. I don't advertise it, it just happens to be everywhere.

But seriously, what are you shooting for? I'm beyond half asleep, and I know nothing about you except your body happens to follow the laws of physics and you like to have "fun". Potentially the most subjective word that could ever be used. Some people have fun getting wasted and fighting. Some like getting high and eating. Some like burning things or cutting themselves. There is no DICTIONARY definition, of what can be considered fun, that is standard across the board.

I think the real problem lies in our ability to judge ourselves. Listen, I may not know all of my faults, but I sure know a few. I used to have a temper, I think I have come a long way from those days- but hey, I'm Italian (it's called my unfair scapegoat). I also am too honest, if you couldn't tell, which has somehow these days turned into a fault. I say fuck you to anyone who still agrees with this, why are you reading my blog? But I can point those things out. No one is... "perfect" in every sense. We are all a little crazy or have our asshole tendencies or happen to be into weird kinky shit that only websites agree with. Why can nobody seem to embrace that? I like to think I keep mine interesting enough that people actually send me messages saying they laughed. Good. I'm glad I didn't say "Hi this is Tony I like lifting weights and doing my hair smelling all nice for the ladies and making out, who wants to meet me?"

The elevator pitch is a wonderful thing to think about. Assume you are riding an elevator with some big wig, and he turns and says "sell yourself to me now before my stop". How many people would panic or turn red and say something dumb along the lines of "I work hard and like to smile". Great dickhead, some slut that offered to polish his knob just got the job because she explained why she liked titty fucking over getting her masters degree. So all I ask, is we stop bullshitting about the mundane, pretentious bullshit that could be used to describe ANYONE. Dig a little, if you're asked to describe yourself... think about what could separate you from the others. Or admit you are a worthless culturally assimilating piece of obeying dog shit. Either way, at least the awkward introductions are out of the way.

Don't mess with electricity, it always wins.

2006-08-05T18:42:00.000-04:00

I came home lastnight, really drunk. Go figure. I was alone too, my roomates were all still out and i was friggin exhausted from drinking too much. So I step into the house and all the power is out. I mean everything. Picture trying to fix this when you're hammered, alone, and your phone is dying and the only source of light you have left. Oh, and you just called your ex girlfriend that you haven't talked to in years because she was under the person's name you were actually trying to call. Excellent start.

I stumble down to the basement without killing myself, somehow, and check the circuits. They looked okay, but I (THOUGHT I) reset them all anyway to be sure. Nope no juice. Okay I'm hammered anyway guess it's bed time. No late night myspacing or pornography, very very sad drunk Dane. I fell going back up the steps also, I think twice. My shin hurts.

So this morning rolls around and some of the lights are on in the house. But not the important stuff like my AC, whatever. Now I'm pissed and cursing out the electrical company. I go downstairs, at least it's light out, but I'm hungover and can't see well. Check the circuits again, all lined up, okay whatever bedtime part deux.

Now it's getting late, half the lights are still on. I shed a tear because myspace is so far away and I start thinking about how to string extension cords to make this happen. Last trip to the circuit breaker I swear.

and then it hits me. Half the lights are on, because, genius, drunk, tired, can barely see Dane decided to flip half of the switches to the OFF POSITION. Yes, I am an idiot. Yes, it was funny, to me. And yes, NSTAR and I are about to have some makeup sex. SHOCKING, isn't it? OH, the puns. I'll never talk shit about electricity again.

The fun little phrase

2006-08-04T18:33:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how someone can preface ANYTHING they want to say, with one little phrase, and it can all be forgive, forgotten, or overlooked. There are many variations of the phrase, but they all start the same, and it baffles me everytime someone feels he or she can get away with it.

"I don't mean to be (a)...." (bitch, asshole, complainer, smartass, rude, cynic, prick, etc.) "...but"

The complete irony in this, of course, is that you realize you are sounding and acting exactly what you are saying that you are trying NOT to be. The other person is clearly setup for what is about to come storming across. If you are coherent enough to realize that what you are about to say, just might come out in the wrong way; or be misinterpreted... would you not consider that a sign?
"Wow, this makes me sound like a burning anus, I better warn him that I am trying not to be one in the first place! Then he will take it like a compliment and we can stroll off into the sunset without his fist inside my face. "

How this ever came about, I have no clue. If you are going to be a raging bitch, just straight up be one. The English language is best at hiding the true meanings behind things said. People will hide behind this phrase and assume all is well because it comes with a disclaimer. Fuck that! You give me some and I'll throw it right back at you. Because, if you truly don't mean to be an asshole, you won't follow it up with the tone and manner of saying what you are about to say. Imagine if this worked in all situations, how easy life would be.
"Hey boss, I don't mean to be rude, but you're a fucking douchebag. Yeah man, you piss me off and when I go home I pray that you die a horrible death and your cunt of a wife marries me so I can have sex with her out of spite and pee on her when I'm done. R KELLY BEYOTCH. But, again, man who pays me, I'm not trying to be rude.... I just had to explain myself."

Wouldn't that just be great! Or my personal potential favorite
"Hunny, I'm not trying to be picky, but that shirt really makes your titties look smaller than they are. And I really would rather my friends not call me out on being part of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee when you aren't around. So, again, not to be picky, but here are a couple tubesocks." That or anything related to how a skirt makes her look fat or extremely slutty.

But hey, as long as you say the disclaimer! The other party is forced, against his or her will, to waive all rights to being pissed off and punching you in the God damn mouth. Cause after all, it isn't that you are trying to be an asshole, no way. You just want him to know he is terrible in bed but you're okay with it because he still has money. And you have another boyfriend for the places he cannot fill you properly.

And I wonder, do they say something like that in other cultures, within America even?
Hey Paco, I'm not trying to be a dick, but your car is fucking a fucking SPIVIC. Thanks for helping to keep the Mexican stereotype alive. The plastic spinners you bought at Walmart aren't working either. And you might want to take off the Mexican flag seat covers, I don't think it adds value to your '89. And lastly, how do you fit all 12 of your children in that thing when you bring them to sell Chiclets on the corner? Anyway, again, I'm not trying to be a dick. Later Paco!

Me? Random? No shit.

2006-07-25T20:52:00.000-04:00

It sucks to be a male insect sometimes.
For example- a male mosquito. Talk about only being around to make babies. Your wife gets to go around each night finding sweet delicious humans to munch on while you sit at home worried sick that maybe she got swatted by a fatty. How useless. You think he doesn't get bored sometimes? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality and women making the bread, or well.. blood too. But good luck asking her if he can go do the sucking one night- she makes him look like a little bitch! And I've always wondered.... if a mosquito sucks down on a Chinese person... does she get hungry an hour later? I won't even get into being a male Praying Mantis. Though on further studying into the subject, it appears only a FEW of the 180 species will eat their mates after sex. The ultimate Russian Roulette.

Question- why are people in Africa keeping hyenas as pets? That's just weird. THEY EAT PEOPLE. How the hell are you going to keep a pet that can fucking DOMINATE your sorry ass? If you tell it no, and it wants to, it will just swallow your god damn leg whole like an eggroll. Then what? I understand the whole fearsome aspect, but come on! I will never have a pet that is bigger than I am. I watched some show called Outrageous the other day, and this dude had pulled over on the side of some farm to take a shit. Guess what, a horny donkey saw this dude spread eagle and got an idea. Good luck telling a horny donkey no. Better luck walking for the next month and a half. So I'll stick to fish and maybe a turtle, at least I could outrun that bitch in my sleep.

How about a little news of the incredibly weird. This guy in Illinois (no story can start out good in Illinois, outside of maybe Chicago) was arguing with his girlfriend in POLAND. Problem number one- talk about long distance. Problem number two- we're talking about Polaks. So go figure, a girlfriend halfway across the world and there's an argument- I wonder if it's because she is sleeping with the whole town over there, and maybe even the goats? So instead of being a rational human being, he decides to take it out on random cars on the road. The cops were called, go figure. Then he breaks into a house and starts smashing shit, but most importantly, himself. He comes out bloody and NAKED and throws knives at the cops. But that's not all- he throws his OWN SEVERED PENIS. Read that again- this dude was angry that his girlfriend's in Poland, and he can't get laid, so he cuts it off and throws it at the cops. Genius. Cause hey, if you don't use it- you lose it... right?

Listen ladies, we might argue from time to time, and I love to hate you. But never, ever, would I spare the whole being of my manhood over you, me, the Patriots losing the Superbowl, ANYTHING. What good are we as men without our penii? (Yes, I made up my own plural) I want that thing working until I croak. The day I am going out, I want to request that the nurse unbuttons her shirt a little and hike up her skirt so I can die erect. Talk about a way to go, staring at some boobies and thinking about the same thing that helped birth you- just not on your mom. I understand people talking about strength from within after a tragic accident leaving one paralyzed or blind or somehow else handicapped- but I just can't live without my penis. He is my right hand man. Or my right hand is his woman. Something like that. Anyway, the dude got his penis reattached. They should have just left it off.

So.... do you think his girlfriend stayed with him?

Bumper Stickers

2006-07-20T17:18:00.000-04:00

Random and wonderful. Inspired by a new book I am reading my George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty. If you are even a remote fan of his, please go get the book- it is HILARIOUS. If you like any of the weird, random shit I write- you would probably enjoy his book as well. Ok George, did I suck your balls hard enough for that sponsorship money now?

Anyway, bumper stickers. Amusing, disgusting, worthless. My personal favorites, are those with political bullshit strewn across them. People still have bumper stickers that says "BUSH FOR PRESIDENT 92". Come on now. Unlike bell bottoms, that "trend" cannot come back and be cool. There is no such thing as retro when you have a sticker on your bumper advertising a President you voted for. You are a loser. Plus everyone knows those tightwad conservatives would never place something on their car that could devalue it, or cause it to be less aesthetically pleasing. Remember, it's about the appearance! They also would not be driving 92 Sentras... but hey, I digress. Stupid poser Republicans.

Something else that irks me- the Sunoco bumper stickers. I'm sorry but a gas station, is a fucking gas station. We all need them, and more often than not will go to the closest one when we are in need of gas. We all know about the cheap corner bodega gas mart that is 3 cents cheaper than everywhere else, but do you really want that shit in your tank? I've seen it come out in powder form. The homeless won't even ask you for change at those gas stations, because they know you can't spare any! They're so ghetto instead of a computer with a running tally there's a man next you to counting out how much you owe. "FOURTY-FIVE OH ONE"
SON OF A BITCH! I wanted it at an even dollar.
But seriously, you get discount oil changes for keeping this ugly, square, Sunoco bumper sticker on your car. It will not blend in with your vehicle, it will not make it look cooler. But I'm wondering what the execs up at Sunoco were thinking- hmm, we really need to establish ourselves as a cornerstone in the market.... we should advertise on bumpers!
Like seeing that sticker will make me want Sunoco. You don't see Pepsi advertising on bumpers- nah, they use whole cars! Way more effective. If someone has a McDonalds bumper sticker, and someone else had a Burger King bumper sticker... do you think they would try to crash into eachother? "TAKE THIS YOU KING SIZE LOSER"

Anyway, bumper stickers are lame, if I didn't make my point yet. It is a way for dejected emo fatties to display their love for fairies and being crazy- fantastic, it really brings out the shine in your 87 Taurus. If you want attention, cut yourself and whine about it. Or get a Myspace account and pretend you are just on there "because everyone else is and my friends totally made me do it".

Then there are the parents who proudly display that their child is an honor roll student at Retard Elementary in Dumbfuck, New Mexico. Give me a GOD DAMN BREAK! You could drink your own urine, snort glue until it started to actually feel good, sleep through every class, pick your nose through recess, and still make honor roll. Guess what parents? IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. And that same little bastard is going to fail through high school because alcohol and sex is discovered and cost you 25K a year for some out of state institution where more of the aforementioned sinning will occur, and then where is the bumper sticker? Sucker.
But the funniest bumper sticker I have ever seen is a play on this.
"I had sex with your honor roll student" from Generic School USA. Just pure fucking gold. I could see Matthew McConaughey rollin around in that piece right now, pack of butts rolled up in his sleeve.

Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy.

The homeless

2006-07-18T17:37:00.000-04:00

Question: What's more fun than a spur of the moment blog?
Answer: A million dollars? Three naked women willing to do your bidding? How about a cheesecake. Hell finding a dollar on the ground is even more fun. I don't give a shit where that dollar has been, it's mine now bitch.

Anyway, hi people. I saw this on the bus ride home today and it got me thinking. Actually I'm full of shit I was falling asleep the whole ride home and barely thought about anything but the strippers passing through my mind. But still, I'm sure I had a moment of clarity at some point.

I saw a man, a black man- not that the race really matters in this case, at a bus stop. He was walking with a sort of limp, but wearing a Boston Celtics t-shirt cause even bums have pride in their respective cities. Anyway I'm pretty sure he wanted money, shit at least some chump change. The bus stop also happens to be in Chinatown. I'm sure none of this matters but he happened to walk up to an Asian, more likely Asian American (This PC bullshit is starting to itch) and probably said "Hey douchebag you can afford all those sweet electronics, drop a c-note on me would ya? I need some blow and a cheap hooker!" Sometimes they are honest, often not. Clean and sober, sure you are. So anyway, this guy would not even look the homeless man in the face. He didn't even respond, just did everything in his power to look the other way and pretend he only spoke Chinese or something ridiculous. And I had to wonder, at what point did that other guy become less than a man. It was as if it were a stray cat begging for some food and shelter from the cheap restaurants. How fucking cruel can we be? Who knows what that guy went through to get where he is- maybe he never has even had a place to call home. For all this little prick knows, he could have been an orphan, living the streets his whole life. And yet somehow that warrants less than EYE contact as appropriate? Appauling.

I handle the homeless much better. Take my situation the other week. Guy comes up to me while I'm standing at the ATM, and asks if he can have a few bucks. The irony, ATMs only dispense $20, rarely $10 at a time. And I might be generous, sometimes, but no way this guy was getting more than a couple bucks off me. So I turn to him, wondering if he's joking, but he wasn't. He looked like the chief from Rescue Me, which made things more interesting. Dressed like any other person you would see on the street didn't smell too terrible- but was very blunt. "C'mon man, I just want to get a beer" he says.... it's NOON! I have had my days but this was a MONDAY! "Buddy, I'm at an ATM, you think I have any cash?" "Cmon, just a couple bucks" he responds. For whatever reason, the ATM was out of service. He keeps trying though. "Hey the Red Sox are winning!" I'm still being nice at this point, though I had little reason to be, apparently. "Uh, actually, they're playing at 7pm tonight" I figured the only other thing two complete strangers, one probably half drunk, one kinda jealous, could talk about at this point.... was the weather? No, he keeps going.
"Well, there's an ATM just a block down, c'mon I'll walk with you"
At that point I was a little insulted, yet A for effort, and walked away in the other direction. Point is, I didn't spit on him, I didn't completely ignore him, I said my piece and told him no. I treated him like a man, a drunk or at least desperately seeking drunk man, but still, I did not shed him of what dignity he may have had left. To avoid even eye contact with someone is a huge insult. So next time you see a bum, strike up a conversation. Just try to stay downwind.

Without...

2006-07-07T17:17:00.000-04:00

Why do the strong always prey on the weak? Is it just our animal instinct?
Dane what the fuck are you talking about? Let's check it out.
Without having a diverse range of people fitting into every category, there would be no extremes in the first place. Without semi decent looking men and women there would be no supermodels. Without the lower middle class there would be no upper class- though that could spawn a whole converastion on Communism and what it attempts and fails at.

The way I see it, we all have a purpose. Without getting all specific into logotherapy and lulling you to sleep, it is a major thought that the reason man strives and survives is to find the reason for being, the meaning for life. And depending on what you believe in, as far as the evolution of man, some people might just fit in, in order to help out others. No? If you honestly believe God put man on this Earth, which you are entitled to in your rubber, padded room. But honestly, if you believe that... don't you think maybe somewhere along the way he had a sense of humor? Don't you think it is possible, one day, that he though to himself...
"hmmm... white trash, that's a terrific idea. they make everyone look better!" and poof, the mullet came and boy, did it conquer.

But seriously, sometimes people have a purpose, they aren't always completely shit on. You often find the "nerds" are nerds because they believe studying is more important than intercourse. Those same nerds would have lots of trouble obtaining this intercourse as well, often times, because it is not as easy as putting in the code to lose your virginity in the latest video game. But seriously, they have dedicated themselves to the thrilling life of spelling bees, sudoku, and a severely depleted social life. And sometimes, it pays off. Bill Gates, for example. That man could taste 99% of the poon on the planet. He could have a poon buffet if he wanted, take an advertisement out, in fact, buy a newspaper and make the entire thing a huge add for his million dollar poon buffet, and women from across the world would line up and spread eagle for him. Because he is gorgeous? Probably not. My point exactly. Those that avoid it, and focus their efforts, and really do well for themselves, will come full circle.

But not everyone does. Which leads me to my actual point. Did I just shoot down my argument before presenting it? Whatever, it's been a long week and a half, and when the hell did it turn Friday? Anyway.
Without the ugly there cannot be the beautiful.
Without the fat, there is no skinny.
You get the idea, I don't need to go on. But think about if everyone were just the same. No one stood out, no one had more than others, we were just kinda all.... there. A life without bragging about the 10 that you bagged at the bar that blew you by a dumpster and then.... she had a penis (bet you leave out that last part) Or the poor person you laughed at driving by in a 83 Mazda with the words MAZDA across the windshield as you cruise in your 04 Audi S4 and hit a baby crossing the road because you were too busy laughing.
A world without extremes, is a bland bland world. Like those groups of guys that all get blowouts and rock pink, popped collar shirts out to the same bar with European hand bags and more hair gel than the entire state of Idaho has ever seen. Can anyone think of something Idaho does besides potatoes? Is Idaho still even a state? I think it should merge with Montana, the Dakotas, and Iowa, and they can just call themselves "Land".

Prince Charming.

2006-07-05T21:16:00.001-04:00

Charm and confidence, and why they get you everywhere in life.

It’s true, try it sometime. Smile too much and people start to ask questions. The problem is that there is too much pessimism in this world. Sure, there are wars going on, people starving, global warming- WHATEVER. If you let shit like that affect your personal life, you should probably be in the Peace Corps and/or Greenpeace. If you aren’t, and if you don’t plan on joining- give up and be happy, look on the bright side for once. People call me a sweet talker, or even a schmoozer, man I hate that word. Car salesman are schmoozers, they don’t care what they say, as long as they make a sale. I on the other hand, try to make people smile because it is contagious. Especially in my job, I am dealing with people who just got in car accidents. Imagine the demeanor of the people not at fault; and that’s something I have to work past? It’s not easy, but I have a skill. Charm, it must be an Italian thing naturally, my Pops taught me well. Charm will get you lots and lots of places, but it’s hard to be charming without having confidence to back it up. Believe in yourself, that’s most important. Once you believe in yourself, you can believe in everything you say. Don’t lie, that isn’t part of charm, that’s not even schmoozing; that’s just sleazy. And most people also come with a pre-installed bullshit detector. While there may be a thin line between charm and sleaze, it isn’t too hard to tell if people are being genuine, or just blowing smoke up your ass and hoping they benefit. There is also a very, very thin line between confidence and cockiness. VERY THIN, believe me, it is a line I walk constantly. The other problem with this, is that it is way harder to tell the difference between the two. If I had a penny for everytime I was called cocky, I would have thousands of pennies. And if I had a penny for every cliché I write, I would have at least a few pennies. It is easily misconceived that my confidence is cocky, because I am also a master of sarcasm. So much so, it can be undetectable; a gift and a curse, I tell you. There goes another penny. My explanation of confident vs. cocky is as follows: a confident person will say “thank you” when you say he or she is the best. It is considered a compliment. A cocky person will say “I know” when you say the same. It is something he or she has already verified and probably says on a daily basis. There is nothing wrong with being extra confident, if you have a reason. Hell, even if you don’t, fake it until you make it. One more penny, thank you. But there is nothing worse than being cocky, except being cocky and sleazy. If you want something to ground you, always remember, no matter how good you are at any one thing, or any group of things, there is definitely someone out there that is way better. Probably a few someones, actually. Don’t let that get you down, use it as motivation, but also a way to keep your damn ego in check. Though I think I am the best thumb wrestler in the entire world, I am sure there is someone deep in Malaysia that has 2 thumbs on one hand with 13 joints that makes a living off kicking everyone’s ass in a thumb war. And I await the day I can meet this man, but until then, I will just have to keep training.

Wasn’t I supposed to have a point? Learn the boundaries between these aforementioned qualities, and use them to your advantage. On a daily basis, damnit. Make people smile, make people laugh, make people like you, and it will always pay off in the long run. Because you never know who does what and how it could come along in your life, somehow randomly. It’s always better to have someone like you, than to have them hate you. And it is way better to make someone like you than to convince someone to stop hating you. Confidence is the only way to get a job, even one you may be under-qualified for. Confidence and charm will help you get a date with someone, probably out of “your league”. Try it out, I guarantee immediate results. Because the more you walk around with your head held high, smiling, the more people wonder why. And the curiosity will help you to no end.

Miss me?

2006-06-28T17:32:00.000-04:00

Yeah yeah. I know, I started work and my blogs disappeared. Not exactly, I just like to have time to myself doing things like watching pornography and playing video games and constantly, constantly eating. Then there's the gym and that stupid waste of time called sleep and add on the new work schedule- I'm lucky I have time for porno.
Anyway, figured I'd take us back in time. Back to Friday night, a fateful night that included a house party with some people we know, and a ton we don't know... at all. Lots of booze equals a ton of slutty shit going down, we all know that. But it's way more fun to bright it all into the light.

So the night starts with some pregaming at our apartment. Pregaming means about five beers or so, and I had to take two shots of Jager to wash it down. So we were all feeling good, and ready to rock out with our cocks in. So we show up, and the party looks pretty good. People outside with a keg, beirut going on inside, and scantily clad women scattered about, some spoken for, some begging to be spoken to. Of course, we all crowded ourselves together in a little circle to start and talked about whom we were already dreaming about having intercourse with, followed by giggles and the sad realization none of that was going to come true. We split up and moved about, I found myself in the beirut room when the Hypnotiq came out. Now it's not that strong, nothing special, but it tastes pretty good. And apparently the women loved it, because they cashed that damn bottle in about three minutes. And I had some poured at least near my mouth, didn't help me stay sober. And lo and behold, another bottle followed quickly. And by followed I mean was tossed around and sucked on like a hose in the desert (I'll keep it clean) Then it was someone's genius idea (she was female) to start trying to pour Peppermint Patty shots again, after everyone was heavily sauced. This caused most of the chocolate syrup to go anywhere it wanted but in the mouth, at least I avoided that.

The biggest problem of the night was that there was only one bathroom and I heart peeing. Oh and Mr. Brown showed up. Many of you do not know Sasanka, hopefully at least a few of you are scared and will never deal with him. Trust me, he's a great kid... when sober. But look out when he gets drunk, or at least don't answer your phone. It's like the Ring, if you answer the phone, you're pretty much going to die. Not only does he call anyone and everyone he knows, he gets obnoxious, says stupid shit he pretends not to remember, and likes to be an ass. Seriously, way worse than a female drunk dialing her ex boyfriends to tell them about their tiny penii long after the fact. Answering his drunken phone calls is like setting off a tornado wherever you are. So he shows up to the party, and somehow is still composed. But he is accompanied by a friend of ours who wears out his Yankees hat everywhere he goes. I commend him for the pride, but we live in Boston. Not really a big hit, especially around a bunch of random drunk guys, already angry that we have now come to take over their hopeful hookups. Anyway, onward.

I'm blurry with some of the details so bear with me. All I know is the kitchen was suddenly Chock Full o' Cock, and some sloppy female walked in. I don't know if I smelled like bacon or what, but she came right over to me. And in the background, Jimmy my roomate starts giving me the "haha fat bitch wants you" look. You would know the look a mile away. I'm grinning but giving him the "fuck you, HELP ME" eyes. No such luck, he instead decides to get everyone to go outside. This is where it gets fun.
I don't even know the girl's name, I don't want to know. She comes up uncomfortably close to me. Realizing the kitchen is now empty, and I'm cornered.. I try to scare her away.
"So, how about we go fuck?" I say, hoping she will slap me and run away. No such luck.
"Sure, there are four bedrooms here" Says chunky, dreaming of me as different cuts of meat. So I go a little farther
"Nah, someone will walk in, let's go outside in the bushes"- Mind you, it's raining. This will have to work. No self respecting girl, within five minutes of meeting me, will hump me in some bush in the rain.
"Okay, where?"
Fuck...

Alert, alert, alert. Luckily, I had a way out. Seeing the chocolate syrup, I assume she is going to swallow it whole. Instead, she pours it all over her breast. I mean all over, if I wanted to eat that it would have been a three course meal.
"Oh no, how am I going to clean this up?" She asks in her innocent but still rather unattractive way.
Think Dane, think. I look to my right, nothing there but a fridge blocking me in. I look out in the hallway hoping someone will come see this. Did she really pour chocolate sauce all over her titty in public, hoping I would give a suck? Christ, this is weird. I'm almost turned on, then I open my eyes again and realize it isn't Charlize Theron.

Bingo. To my left is a stack of paper towels that were acting as bibs for the shots. You don't have to believe me, but I have no reason to lie about this. I tore one off and handed it to her. Apparently she still thought I was into her, because she then pulls her breast out into the open air to wipe it off. I vomit a little, but so little I can choke it back down. Luckily someone comes in and I run away laughing and puking and hoping she isn't giving chase. Some other slob got her leftover horniness and was trying to get with her in bedrooms later on, what a schmoe.

Rest of the night involved breaking up an almost fight with the Yankee cap versus five-six Sox fans; followed by him making out with a random girl that lived there. Only problem with that was, she didn't want it, and her boyfriend was three feet away. I broke up fight numero dos and we left. But we didn't go home. Nope.

We went to my friend's house that had left early to go to sleep and tried waking him up. He never locks his door, which makes it easy. Anyway, we storm in there like a fucking SWAT team, thinking we are the coolest dudes ever. We might have been, who knows. We find an open 30 pack, time to drink more. I run up and bang on his door, but he is too busy telling me to leave to answer the door. That's fine, we stole a few more things and went back to our kingdom where the night ended as the sun almost peeked out.

Good times.

Questions Questions Questions

2006-06-24T19:12:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I am the one who preaches ignorance is stupidity- which breeds the theory that being inquisitive is the only way to live life. But being on Myspace and talking to random people a lot because of it does lead to one thing: tons of fucking questions. Some questions and good, interesting, easy, and spark conversation. Others are not. Others are annoying and unnecessary, and I will actually feel myself getting aggrivated as I type out the answer. Haha, yes, this does go completely against my patience preaching, but shutup I hate you.

Of course, the only way to get to know someone, be it a friend or lover, is by asking questions. Not everyone opens up easily- apparently I like to lay a lot of things out on the table and see what you pick at. Some people you really have to probe to get into his/her head, and find out what drives him/her (note: I am sticking to him the rest of this blog because that gets damn annoying to read and you know I am not a chauvinist. Oink oink baby)

Point is, some people ask a lot of questions. Too many questions even. And the way to start off knowing someone, finding out more about them, shouldn't be a barrage of questions, almost making me sweat. I shouldn't feel like I am hiding something that you are digging for, that just gets weird. Normal conversation should flow, mixed in with questions here and there to clarify and make a better point. But no, not everyone follows those rules. Sometimes I have to wonder, does this person even give a shit what the answer is? Small things, like you just start talking to me, and ask if I have any brothers or sisters. Okay... WHY? Why do you give a shit? Unless you are a guy, and you want to be a smartass and ask if I have a hot sister, what's the point? Do you think you have the only child stereotype pegged- to a T? C'mon now. Yes I have three half sisters, no I don't know them well and no I never lived with them. Want me to explain the dynamic of the parents and why they are half sisters and who belongs to whom?

My job is random and complicated to explain, and I'm going to guess 93% of people who ask about it, know nothing about the insurance industry, don't know a damn thing about their own car insurance, or even most things about car insurance in general, and will have no further enlightenment after I waste my time explaining. My close friends, I can understand them taking an interest. But someone who randomly IMs me because I seem funny on Myspace, and asks all about my job, what the fuck do they care? Seriously.

All I'm saying is, questions are fine, but pick and choose what and how you ask. Someone just asked me if there was a reason why I typed what I did for my profile on Myspace. HOW THE HELL DO YOU ANSWER THAT? I am more confused as to how that question went from her senses, mostly the eyes, to her brain, was formed into a hmmmm and able to travel into her fingers to type that out and hit enter. It's not even a dumb question, it just doesn't make any sense. Yes I was inspired by watching Rocky IV the other night. So inspired I labored for days to make sure my profile didn't suck as much as that movie.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT! And our chances at a conversation.

An adventure in Taco Bell

2006-06-24T12:50:00.000-04:00

As my friend calls it, a magical land that is a melting pot of society

Some shit like that. Taco Bell is amazing. Not so much for the food, but definitely the atmosphere. You always know what you are getting into- normally a sloppy mess with fire sauce all over the place and creepy people to stare at when they aren't staring at you. But it seemed like a good idea for the hangover, so I went along. First there was a little sign that said no credit or debit cards. Only one of us had cash, we had to make it cheap. The woman taking our order was named Mangina, or something close enough that you could call her that and she would answer. She gave us an EIGHT cent discount as well, she must have wanted to sleep with my friend. While Adam and I are waiting to get our food, Bob already has his, and goes and finds a seat. This was a completely empty Taco Bell, so every seat was open. He sits in the corner by the window. He had one of those crunch wrap supremes. It wasn't crunchy, didn't look like it was good to go. I was not impressed. Some creepy old woman, who only ordered a soda, proceeds to go and sit at the table directly next to us.

And so it begins. The whole place was EMPTY, and she didn't even order any food. Maybe she wanted to bang, maybe she wanted to strangle us- who knows. They didn't have any wild Mountain Dew product, I had to get Cherry Pepsi. Some Fire sauce and off we went to the wonderful land of indigestion. So we're eating and a hot mom walks in with her thirteen children. Ya know what that means! Besides needing a new transmission, that is. We had to look, she was covered in spandex. Nothing weird about that, just us being boys. Then we started talking loudly about lastnight and how drunk we were. Creepy bag woman stared now and then but didn't interject in our conversation- and if we didn't scare her away with what we were saying, she must have been through a lot in life. Probably an old cranky woman with nine cats and no television.

There is a legend at that Taco Bell. Weird old guy that apparently always sits in the same spot and stares people down. He wasn't there... yet. We're talking and people watching and playing the game "How many would it take?" which, by the way, is a fantastic game. We're also giggling to ourselves because of this creepy woman and our half remembered night of boozing. Just then, weird old man comes in. Adam is excited and looks like he is about to start a standing ovation, but instead he and his roomate just laugh and high five eachother because he finally showed up. Then I hear a weird cackle coming from a different table, a close table. Schizo lady decided us laughing was funny, I'm not sure why or how, and she begins to laugh. That only makes us laugh harder, but the laugh where you try to hold it in and look to the side but it hurts so you just have to burst, completely obvious we are, in turn, laughing at her laughing at us. No words from her, I wouldn't dare turn because she was either going to stab me in the neck or show me her four teeth in a dirty smile. Adam literally shoves the rest of his last taco in his mouth and we get out of there faster than the tacos are about to get out of us.

But of course, we had to refill the sodas first.

Ah, Taco Bell. You are the haven of the ugliest, weirdest, hungriest people alive. Without you, I'm not sure where I would be today. Entertaining? You better believe it. Creepy? That's half the allure. Satisfying? Until you get home and fight over the toilet.

ALWAYS AN ADVENTURE.

Rules of... attraction?

2006-06-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

I swear I'm not just stealing the title from some movie because I am bored. In fact, I never saw the movie, for all I know it could be about the Catholic Church, and have slow motion replays of altar boys.

That's right people, all this talk of ugly people with glasses, the trends and whatnot; it fueled something else here: attraction. Anyone loyal enough to have read this blog the past couple months also read about what I look for in a woman. It read a little something like this:

Cooks, Cleans, Big Breasts, Tiny Waistline, Doesn't Complain, Watches Football, and is a Mute

I'M KIDDING. Actually none of those were on there, but I'm sure every guy is secretly after that model female right there (minus me, we've talked about the boobs before) But think back to the last time someone tried to set you up, or the last time you even looked at someone twice and thought -I would love to date him/her. Unfortunately, it was probably based purely on looks to start. Isn't that pretty terrible to think about? For way more than one reason.

First off, think of how many attractive people are complete flakes. I'm talking stupid, self absorbed, pricks/bitches, sometimes getting whatever they want because of their square cheekbones or sizeable chest and loving every second of it. How many people can honestly date that type? Well, except for people that are mostly that type- and luckily the couples will often end up that way and other people will be spared. That of course does not apply to the smart golddiggers who rope in some sucker that loves her because she is beautiful and does not care about anything else because he pays for his happiness. But before we begin to stray, back on topic.

What about the first humans to roam this Earth? If you believe at all in evolution, then you believe they were some ugly fucking creatures. And I can't imagine they had distinct, complex personalities to go along with those foreheads and coneheads. Where was the attraction there? Purely animal. Weird random fact you might not know- the reason we have armpit hair and pubic hair is to catch the pheremones our bodies secrete and trap them there. This way a potential suitor would smell our natural chemical deliciousness and cause some fornication. If I had only known years ago the women were into sweaty smelly crotch and pits..... Why do you think perfume was originally invented? But honestly, they were attracted based on instincts and the idea of dominance- which still exists in many other kingdoms- Lions, for example. To be dominant today, and try to impress a woman will leave you labeled a meathead and/or a domestic abuse threat. Sorry buddy, the days of clubbing a bitch and dragging her back to your bachelor cave for some hot sex are long gone.

It is obvious that attraction starts a relationship- but what keeps it going? Besides great sex, it takes good conversation, the ability to work together on things, similar tastes or at least an interest in what the other enjoys- compatability beyond the square peg fitting in the round hole. But it seems like no one really thinks about that- and by no one I mean men never think about that. Women are a little smarter in these cases and can somehow figure out by the size of his hand if he will be a good father or not. Do not question the formulas, just roll with them. And buy their magazines so you can figure out the tricks. Maxim just tries to help you get a threesome with two Swedish women.

My question is- who ever established these "leagues" that we all fit into? And who are we to decide who is in and who is not in our league? Must be tough to get stuck in Pee Wee Baseball your whole life- you are looking at dating your already half inbred cousin with that status. But again, the original thought behind this is based solely on appearance. Then how do these ugly schmucks get these hot babes? Besides money.... must be personality. They say a woman likes a funny guy, why am I still single? (Joking..) Same goes for good looking guys and some scary beast that wouldn't even look good with vodka goggles.

It's sad but true- most of us will not even attempt to look past the initial appearance, and make all sorts of judgements based solely on that. The way the person dresses helps associate them with a group of people, be it rich or poor, ghetto or clean cut, classy or trashy. The car that someone drives also apparently says a lot of them and helps us to form an assumed lifestyle about this person within the first minute you meet him or her. And if that person does not bat in the same league, likely nothing will ever come of it. Maybe you two turn out to be great friends and he or she goes on and starts seeing someone once you realize just how amazing he or she is, and then you're forced to stomp on your own heart- JACKASS. Maybe the world would be a better place if we all were blind or just had really blurry vision- that way the things that make a happy couple, would be the things we still look for in a person.

The rules of attraction are funny, and simple. If you're attractive, you probably get a second chance. If you aren't in the same, purely aesthetic league as our past boy/girlfriends... you are lucky to get a shot at being a good friend. Sad, but true.

Here's a random trend

2006-06-19T01:24:00.000-04:00

The friggin sunglasses. Ladies, don't get me wrong, they can look great on you- but HOW deceptive. Sunglasses these days are covering up 3/4 of your face. You might as well wear a mask. Not just does it look tacky a lot, but walking around with your huge sunglasses is intimidating. Yep, I'm scared to see what's under there. Because if you are hiding it, there must be something to hide.

Today for example- we went out to a restaurant by Harvard to eat. Good Mexican food, and a couple margaritas. Walking in, my roomate nudges me and points out the bleached blonde girl walking across the street. She was pretty tall, long legs, looked attractive. Big ass sunglasses though, of course- you just have to keep up with the trends to be cool. Anyway, we went in, had a few drinks and ate, and I looked over and saw they were a few tables away. I was wondering where the attractive girl was that had walked in, it looked like her ugly twin sister had eaten her and changed into her clothing. Then I realized- ah yes, she took off her sunglasses. And underneath was a quasi-Albino, rather unattractive face. Tiny eyes and almost white eyebrows/eyelashes/mustache (wait... mustache?) My original disposition had completely changed in a matter of the two seconds it would take to remove the sunglasses- so uncool.

I have had this theory in the past, you can try it out also. Find an ugly person and tell them to wear sunglasses. I'm kidding. Am I? Seriously I think they can hide a lot. Think about it- the eyes will make or break a person's facial structure. Of course, there are things like warts on a nose or the aforementioned mustache that can already deem a face null and void of any aesthetic pleasure, but let's assume there are no big deformities. Normal size nose, nice smile, good cheekbones, whatever. But the eyes are covered up... hmmm. What could be under there? Bug eyes, crossed eyes, uneven eyes even? These sunglasses hide crazy eyebrows, or no eyebrows, eyes that are too far apart, too big for the face, too small for the face, too close together- I mean c'mon. I'm not being shallow here, just honest. Too honest? Likely- but tell me you haven't all thought the exact damn thing.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Wear huge sunglasses if you are hot, trendy, popular, whatever. Just warn others if you are hiding something under there, it's only fair. But I guess makeup does the same trick.... oh boy

Patience is a virtue

2006-06-15T18:16:00.000-04:00

Whatever happened to patience? I remember back in the day when I had none either, then I realized it's like a constant ball of stress waiting to explode. I still notice it now and then when I am driving, and it probably will get me killed someday. But that's okay, because I am an angry wonderful aggressive defensive driver. If you have driven with me, that last sentence might make a little more sense. Point is, seems everyone these days is incredibly impatient. And not just when driving, constantly. At the grocery store, in the bank, at the gas station, anything that involves a wait longer than ten seconds will leave someone fuming. I saw an older woman today at the bus stop pacing and pacing and probably nearly having a stroke with the amount of anxiety I could see coursing through the veins in her neck. Guess what, the bus is coming- chilllllllllll.

Maybe it's just because I used to be a pot head, that may have knocked down my nerves a bit that I am more tolerant at a lot of things. But I have noticed lately a complete lack of tolerance. And not to call you out, ladies, but it seems to be more with women than men.

Men are impatient about the simple things. Getting sex, getting drunk, getting food, the simple pleasures. A man will get angry if a girl makes him wait to take off her panties, if he has to wait in line for a beer, or if their roomates can't fucking decide already where to eat and he feels his stomach starting to devour some surrounding muscles- that is what he will get impatient regarding.

With women, it's anybody's guess. Being unemployed the past week, I obviously spent a little too much time on the computer. But I don't just sit and chat- I write, as you all hopefully understand, I invest, I harass, I research, whatever. Just because my computer is on doesn't mean I am there to chat. So, that being said, sometimes I am... distracted. Hell I might be watching porn. You can tell if my typing speed is greatly reduced- one hand can do that. Point is, I'm not always enthralled in the basic conversation, which normally is nothing but chit chat anyway. I have noticed that if I do not completely immerse myself in even the most petty conversation, or God forbid I get up to make a sandwich or answer nature when she beckons- I come back to screaming and shouting and disgust. By screaming and shouting I of course mean bold, italic, or most times just capital letters with some !!!!!!!!!@$!$(!# after. Whoa, my bad.

That's not the only thing women have seemed to be incredibly impatient about. Phone calls. Boy oh boy. Guys, if there is any advice I can give you about women and phones, never, never never never ever make an "appointment" to call her at a certain time. Because if you mention you will call after this or that (eg after the gym) she will expect a call around exactly the time you normally get out. And often times will make sure she is available and probably will put on makeup and do her hair for the conversation. So, whatever you do, keep your seemingly minor committments as GENERAL and BROAD as possible. Otherwise, good luck. If only men and women could sign a contract about terminology, and understanding, when it comes to the telephone- world peace would be possible.

Anyway, I don't know, I lost track. Anger is boring, and a waste of time and energy. Anger is a terrible consequence of being impatient. Impatience caused us to invade Iraq, and will probably cause us to bomb Iran or North Korea in the next few years. Did you know the price of gas a gallon in Iraq last month was EIGHTY SIX CENTS? Hey, if our war can't solve the whole "freedom with democracy" bullshit our fearless leader is being told to pledge, ya think we could at least forcefully steal some black gold. But hey, what do I know?

what is TRENDY, anyway?

2006-06-14T10:11:00.000-04:00

That whole popped collar tough guy at Fenway has had me thinking- my fucking God being trendy is lame. Especially when the collar poppage was cool like two years ago- now if you remember, I am the one who said I hop onto these fading trends, or better yet.. dead trends, but only because I think it's way cooler after the fact. Popped collars never were cool, never will be cool, and should be reserved for boys and girls taking glamour shots, period. So while we're here, let's check out a few more trends and wonder..... what the hell are we thinking?

#1- Pink shirts for boys.
This one pretty much took off and soon every guy was either buying a pink shirt or his girlfriend was buying it for him. What the fuck kinda trend is this? Ya know what, while we're at it, let's make gay sex trendy. Yep, that's the new hottest thing. So fellas, go out and suck some cock because it makes you look like more of a man. Hey, if you are comfortable wearing pink shirts, you might as well hop into the booty shorts with writing on the back as well. It's a natural progression. And while you're at it, throw on some lip gloss (sparkly I hope) and start wearing a bra. Don't want those marvelous man titties to wind up sagging at an early age. And guess what buddy, you CAN get away with it- because you are just so so comfortable with your sexuality, that pink, just doesn't stink. And lastly, why not just find a way to ovulate? Seriously brah, getting your period would make you the S H I T! Boys who wear pink wear their collars popped, obviously.

#2- Fucking blowouts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you, you stupid fucking Gotti boys. Thank you for being the dumbest sacks of shit I have probably ever heard speak, born into a lucky lucky family. Take away their fame and fortune and you have some jackass wanna-bes from Jersey. But no, instead, they have to be famous, and girls have to look past the fact they are braindead and scumbags and want to sleep with them- all- at once. Good thing you have three holes. And now, everyone wants their hair. Their disgusting, bottle of gel infested crazy spike fest. And everyone needs to get it. It's not just an Italian thing my friends. I'm sure you've seen the link for douchebaggery- it definitely involves a group of kids who are completely void of anything unique and appear to line up one by one at the local barber to get their hot haircut- guess what guys- you aren't rich or fucking famous, in fact you're ugly. And the wild hair will only draw more attention to your ugly mug, now you don't want that? Imagine how that shit looks in the morning, nevermind the fact that you stick to your pillow. Girls who think guys with blowouts are hot, are also into bukakke and will trade you herpes for syphillis. Fair enough I guess.

#3- Back to the ass phrases
I miss the days when all women would tie sweatshirts around their waists. Yep, I like them to leave it as a huge surprise whether the ass is fantastic or fucking huge. Because as we all know, women with huge asses are always great golfers. Though you don't see it as much, now that it is summer, except a huge resurgence of the ass ads. You think I wouldn't have a huge problem with it, because I love a nice butt- but hear me out. First, it draws way, way too much attention to your rump. Don't get me wrong, some women work really really hard on perfecting their body and should have a reason to show it off. But then again, those same women should realize it is going to get recognized- drawing that attention to it will only bring more negative attention. And the other problem is that there are a lot of not so nice asses, that should be tying the sweatshirts around to hide the jiggle, but no. Since it is cool to go buy a 50 dollar pair of shorts that says JUICY on it, you will. Why? Because you obviously love attention. But there's a problem. I can't help but read what you have on your ass. Like a t-shirt, I need to know if you are a fucking moron, or have some style and bought something witty that no one else has. So I am compelled to look at your rear. And if it is terrible, I promise you, I will not scream out the car window that you have a nice butt. So c'mon ladies, if you want us to know you're a dirty little slut, there's a better way than wearing that phrase across your ass. I'm not exactly sure what, but I will think of something. You hold tight.

#4- related, and still annoying. Lame t-shirts
It all started with a few funny phrases that left everyone dying. Since then, every company in the entire world has tried to jump on the bandwagon. The thing is, there are a few that still keep it real, still make fresh t-shirts that I will giggle at. The unfortunate thing is that they are few and far between, and there is a time and place for such things. For example, my friend used to wear to the gym a shirt that said "I heart Hot Moms". Okay, well, we all do. But my gym did not have hot moms. No, no, especially not the hours I would go. It had old wrinkly women or jailbait or fatties. Plain and simple. No hot moms. And suppose he was trying to be slick and pick up a hottie at the gym. What a great conversations starter-
"hey, you're hot. read my shirt"
"oh, how cute, when was your 13th birthday?"
Let's get serious.
Other terrible examples include anything that involves the phrase "Boy Crazy" or anything like it. "I'm single" also tops the charts, who fucking cares. If some guy was too intimidated to come talk to you, but will because your shirt advertises you are searching for penis, he probably is QUITE the keeper, let me tell you. One shirt I saw, I know I have discussed, I need to bring it back. "Tanning is better than boys" WOW. I love it. First off, why would said girl go tanning so much? That's right, to look more aesthetically pleasing in her mind which would in turn attract more of the potential suitors she is looking for- am I right? So the fact that one is due mostly in part to wanting the other makes it all just a fucking dumb shirt that advertises wrinkles at age 25. I'm going to make a shirt that says "Smoking Cigarettes is better than breathing" and "Anal sex is better than walking straight". I bet they will sell like Johnnycakes.

I am going to stop here, there will be a part two later. I know some of you have attention deficit disorders and can only read for like fifteen minutes at a time before going nuts and tearing out some hair. Plus I know some of you are going to bring up some great fucking trends for me to attack.

My day at Fenway

2006-06-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a long long day. I'll start from the beginning and give you an idea of what it would have been like to live in my shoes for a baseball day.
Friday night wasn't an early night either. House party down the road and free beer means I had at least two or three during the course of the night
HA
I was awoken at 10AM by my roomate holding a Coors Light. For about six seconds my tired brain tried to form a sentence or excuse or way to say no. It didn't work, I gave up and enjoyed the frosty coldness and realized it was time to get down to business. We showered and left by eleven-ish, but not before a couple more beers each and two shots. Jimmy was late, typical, so he had to down two shots at once. What a trooper.

McDonalds came next, we can skip that part because it is disgusting. But I did explain to Lui how anytime you want to take someone's french fry or other food object, you must say "Yoink" as you do so. He caught on pretty quickly, I was impressed by his eagerness to learn.

Then came the bar before the ballpark. We literally opened the place, at least it wasn't hard to get a beer. I would say I had a pretty good buzz going, and my roomates were a little closer to drunk because they wanted a car bomb and another beer also.

Finding the seats was fine, just needed to grab two beers each before we got there. Beautiful day too, barely partly cloudy, sun wasn't beating down too hard, just good to get some color and enjoy some damn baseball. Then the booze started to kick in. Gilby is just an enthusiastic fan, I wouldn't say he was TOO out of line. But there was some lame family in front of us, that bought seats in the rowdy bleachers, and just wanted to enjoy the game. Who was worse in this situation? It might be a tie. My face started to hurt from laughter, and I'm not normally embarassed; normally I am the one making others feel that way. But some comments like "take off your tank top!" might have gotten to them. And once you make one comment, as did this guy with a little settle down request; you are just asking for trouble. That fuels the drunk Gilby. Every time something happened my good ol roomate had to say something. If Boston got a hit, he was telling everyone to shutup because the guy in front of us didn't want any cheering. Basically the five people in front of the four of us each turned around to tell Gilby and eventually Jimmy what assholes they were and how we should find our real seats, which were in the same row only a few down. He then goes and talks to security, my sign to exit. I grabbed my beers, not wanting to get kicked out in the SECOND inning, and headed to find those real seats with my other, less rowdy, and newly skilled in the art of Yoinking- Lui. We walked around and wound up in the wrong section and we were spilling our beer and it was a mess. So we went down to get food or more beer or something and see if my roomates got kicked out.

Somehow, they didn't, and found us better seats where they could be rowdy. Quick note, one of the guys sitting in front of us did have his collar popped, on purpose. It might as well have been a pink shirt, I think he was wearing a wristband to the baseball game. Hey buddy, I'm pretty sure neither team is going to call you in to pinch hit, you probably could have left the eye black at home. He deserved some douchebaggery just for being a cool kid. Onto our other seats.
Being four rows back in centerfield in the bleachers was a good time. I didn't watch most of the game, we all got way too drunk, and eventually with two outs, bottom of the ninth, down two runs with two men on, David Ortiz hit a walkoff homerun; one of baseball's treasures right there. Not often will fans get to witness that, so it was quite a moment. And boy did that place erupt. On another side note, Fenway is pretty damn good at keeping a wave going around at least one full revolution, impressive.

Leaving was sloppy. By then we had each baked in the sun, drank four or more beers at the game, and were friggin starving. Two of my roomates wound up with mustard all over themselves, and talked about it the rest of the way home. I feel bad for cab drivers that pick us up when we are drunk, I feel worse for the attractive women on the streets that have to feel our wrath. One group of girls, innocently enough, looked at us and said "full car huh?" to which Gilby replied "yeah, take off your shirt!" I can see how those are related. I felt bad so I apologized to her. "Sorry, he really meant take off your pants". Sincere, no?

The rest of the day was boring and included us passing out a lot, and way more drinking. I was margarita man and kept the glasses full when they weren't spilling from someone falling asleep. When I passed out, they threw books and a dog at me. When they passed out, I wound up and hit them with pillows as hard as I could. Pillows made from cement, bastards. I think I had my last drink somewhere around midnight, and everyone else had gone to bed. No I wasn't drinking alone, just the only survivor from a long, beautiful, baseball morning that turned into a sloppy typical mess. Ooh there was pizza too!

Toll Booth Willy

2006-06-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

So since I am a sucker, and new to the area, I take the good ol Pike into and out of the city. Yep, I pay $1 each way, because I am too lame to use the other roads that don't have tolls on them. Anyway, when you roll up and hand them the dollar, they say "thank you". Very polite, same thing happens every now and then at delis or the like. I have caught myself a few times saying "thank you" right back. Now in some cases, like if you made me a delicious sandwich or caught me a delicious bass, it makes perfect sense. But when I say it to Toll Booth Willy, there might be some confusion. What should I thank him for? Taking my money and giggling because he knows I could just go around the toll a bagillion ways? Am I thanking him for not punching me in the face because I forgot to shut off my wipers? Am I thanking him for brightening my day? I guess the real question is, what do you say in return? Nothing?
That was brought up yesterday when going to get lunch. I said thank you, and there was no response. My friend thought it was terribly rude, I was thinking- well... not really. Why should they have to thank me back? They can't say you're welcome in all situations, it won't always make sense- maybe they were caught in a similar stalemate that I am now. There's always the generic "have a good one", I tend to overuse that. But I'm sure someone collecting dollars doesn't want to hear that, then I might get that sock in the chin. I have also found if I hear "have a nice day", I will often respond with "you too", which is fine. The problem comes when the same people use a different form of goodbye, and sometimes change it back to "thank you". In that case, I am already preprogrammed to say "you too", so it just comes out. And that makes absolutely no sense and both of us realize how dumb it was to say, but there is also an understanding of the intent. I think each place needs to have a set greeting and exit. "Hello" and "thank you" are pretty standard, or at least "have a nice day" if I am not getting anything in return from you that benefits me.

I bet this all works way smoother in California, they are slow there; that gives time to think.

What's the big deal?

2006-06-07T01:59:00.000-04:00

Boobs. What is the obsession? Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a nice set of breasts. But why is the fine ass so often overlooked? Let's examine.

It came back to life with Baywatch. Women in little tops jogging in slow motion with their jubblies bouncing back and forth, to and fro- ever think what kind of black eyes you would wind up with if she were to actually swing those in your face? My God you could lose an eye!
Everyone seems so obsessed with having a huge set of knockers these days. I don't like big boobs, not gonna lie. Big boobs have a way higher chance of being ass ugly. The bigger they are, the better chance for the whole saucer nipple phenomenon. There is also a MUCH much much higher chance that those puppies, unfurled, will sag and look weird from the side, from behind, upside down- whatever. A nice small breast is very unlikely to sag, will probably have a good nipple to breast ratio, bounce well in any given situation, and never lead you on. Much like women who are diving into a man's pants, hoping the thing is at least 6 (7?) inches, you just never know what you are going to get with a woman that appears to have a great huge set of bazoongas. Take for example the women that are so insecure they actually purchase these things called "water bras". I'm sorry, I had an ex who decided she needed to wear them. I think the first time I took it off, it nearly took my arm off. I started borrowing it from her to do bicep curls when I couldn't make it to the gym. The thing was the answer to global warming- fill up these bras with the melted polar caps- genius! But seriously, back to the subject.
You take that off, and wow, where did the boob go? Again, I am the one looking for a smaller chest, but let's talk about deception here. That's like if I were to stuff my pants with tube socks and brag about how I have to unwrap it from around my ankle before I take a piss (leave a piss?) It sets the complete wrong expectations. And all because everyone is obsessed with the large, often deformed, potentially more hairy and creepily preportioned areola breastasis. Ladies, show your itty bitty titties with pride, people still enjoy them. Just worry if you have chicken breasts because those are fucking weird and no guy is turned on by your huge sternum. SERIOUSLY!

Now let's talk about what is often overlooked and needs more attention- a wonderful behind. There is nothing to me more sexy on a woman than a great set of legs that leads up to a butt you can just bounce a fucking quarter off and into outer space. Cause no matter how hard a woman works at the gym, she isn't going to make a big difference in her milk bladders. But the ass, oh, she can be sculpted. And boy, is it ever a sign of hard work if a woman carries around a terrific pair of cheeks behind her. It takes a lot of attention, your body has to be at least a mini temple to get that thing to the level of protection. And think about it, what is really more fun in an intimate situation? The breasts are most likely ignored after the guy realizes he can get to and then past second base. Maybe a little tongue tease but c'mon. COME ON! How many times are you going to get to slap that ass? Spank the shit out of it, hopefully you aren't doing that with anything on her front side. Grab it when she is on top, marvel at how wonderful it is (plus the area is extremely sensitive and it will make her happy, lesson #123591939135 brought to you by Dane) If I could choose between never seeing a huge set of boobs again or never seeing a wonderful fine ass again, the choice appears to be simple. Bigguns are just asking for trouble.

Relationships vs. being single

2006-05-29T03:11:00.000-04:00

First of all Dane has been up my ass all week to write another blog so I'm finally giving in. Although according to some anonymous asshole who commented on my last post, I'm nowhere near as funny as him.

Hey asshole first of all, I'm not trying to be Dane, We are both funny in our own ways and have slightly different writing styles, so if that's a problem to you, then get bent. Go to hell you insincere piece of shit.

Now first of all, if anyone comments this telling me that I'm being "EMO," then you will receive the business end of my shoe up your ass. I'm writing this to let everyone know that, yes, I do indeed have feelings. Believe it or not, I'm also capable of feeling lonely.

Being 24 years old, and not having a female to TRULY confide in, be close with, and simply bond with is starting to bother me. Many of you probably don't know this but for a while I was convinced that I met the right girl, the "ONE" you could say. After several months of being lied to, probably cheated on (although I don't know for sure) and simply disrespected, I finally called it off and decided that I wouldn't take her bullshit any longer. The funniest thing about this whole situation with me and this girl is that she was literally obsessed with me for 2 years before I even acknowledged her existence. Once I gave her the time of day, things started off great, but she slowly converted into this dumb bitch who gave me shit for everything I was doing. I wasn't even cheating on her and she just assumed I was. Meanwhile she was probably charging dudes money for handjobs behind my back. (who the fuck would charge money for a handjob??)

Now I would like to think that I am a very strong person who has a lot of things going for him, but at the same time I am feeling very distant from almost everyone and downright frustrated. A lot of people are probably gonna read this and say "Look at all the girls telling you how hot you are," and I've gotta be honest, there's a lot more to a person than looks. It really doesn't matter if a 15 year old from Oklahoma and a 30 year old from nebraska think I'm "attractive." The bottom line is, there's more to a person than looks, and a lot of people, EVEN many girls who I try to talk to seem to have the personality of a walnut. (If they had the personality of an almond it would be okay, because I absolutely love almonds... tons of healthy protein)

I'm trying to keep this blog as serious as possible, so I'm gonna cut the bullshit and just let all you girls out there know that while I do enjoy my life, and enjoy talking/getting to know you, I still feel alone on the inside. I see some of my bandmates, and close friends involved in serious relationships and they are quite happy. HELL, even my brother (who is getting married July 1st in Cape Cod) is a totally different person ever since he met his fiance.

At times it's cool to be single and hook up with mad chicks, but you know, I've already tried that route out probably more than my share of times, and it gets old believe it or not. Thankfully though, I can still count every single girl I've been with on one hand (assuming I was holding a calculator)

I warned you!!!!!

2006-05-26T22:47:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This will be a read. I do not change the [screen] names to protect the innocent. Fuck that, no one is innocent. Here is a "fan" that decided to start off the conversation being a smartass to me. Aww, cute. But then I decided to turn on the fire, and boy, it was a 5 alarm blaze. The best part is, I wasn't trying to be hilarious, I just happen to be amazing sometimes. Haha

Lola041680: Dane says, blah blah blah....hahahah...(yawn);-)
THA WU 143: uh
THA WU 143: dear smartass
Lola041680: u like it
THA WU 143: nope
THA WU 143: blow me
THA WU 143: :-D
Lola041680: eeeehhh nah im good
THA WU 143: arent you on point
Lola041680: eat me:-)
THA WU 143: nope
THA WU 143: not unless it tastes good
THA WU 143: sorry
Lola041680: you'll want the recipe....oooohhhh..lol
THA WU 143: uhh
Lola041680: oh snap..did u just say ..sorry??..
THA WU 143: yeah i didnt mean sorry for being a douche
THA WU 143: i meant sorry, you might have to douche
Lola041680: hahaha..duh......
Lola041680: no need ,,vaginas are self cleansing...mr.know it all i expected a little more from you!!!
Lola041680: heehee
THA WU 143: oh ms know it all
THA WU 143: you should know plenty about ph imbalances then
THA WU 143: that thing isnt always so fresh and so clean clean
Lola041680: why yes
THA WU 143: yeah so shut it
THA WU 143: its not a dishwasher
THA WU 143: its more like a pussy cat, it cleans itself when it can, but that doesnt always mean its good to go
Lola041680: so so u douche and it rids you of natural cleansing agents..its not neccesary unless for medical reasons
THA WU 143: my original point was bashing smelly twat
THA WU 143: can we stick to the subject
Lola041680: im tellin u...DOUCHE ...bad......SOAP...good
THA WU 143: I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA
Lola041680: wait..what..u ..dont?
THA WU 143: and if i wake up with one i am so going to be pissed at god and never pray again
THA WU 143: unless we're talking 24 hours of having a vagina and being a hot girl
Lola041680: now im confused..hahahahahha
THA WU 143: then im taking off work and masturbating
THA WU 143: unless im a hot girl with my eyebrows, that would be weird
Lola041680: its not that great.......
THA WU 143: 4 times better during intercourse, blah blah
Lola041680: ya it would ..do u have a bert..u wax those bad boys??
THA WU 143: give me your ability to have multiples and we'll talk
THA WU 143: waxing is for metros
Lola041680: maximum ability
Lola041680: so ur not metro??
THA WU 143: do you think before you type? im not sure you furnish complete thoughts
THA WU 143: im alpha male, i keep it clean but i dont have more products than you
Lola041680: yes i DOOOOOO
THA WU 143: actually i might, apparently you're smelly
Lola041680: alpha male....heeeheeee
THA WU 143: who uses soap? loser
THA WU 143: its all about body wash
THA WU 143: welcome to 2006
Lola041680: apparently...u smelled me lately?? let me find out..
THA WU 143: guys dont smell their balls
THA WU 143: weirdo
Lola041680: loser..soap?? nice try..duh i use both......
THA WU 143: you say duh a lot
Lola041680: u said i smell!!? how would u know?
THA WU 143: youre stuck in the 90s
Lola041680: uh...no....
THA WU 143: i like you more when youre defensive
Lola041680: havent worn my scrunchies in a while and the NKOTB posters are long gone
Lola041680: oh really??......i think u just like tryin to piss me off!!
THA WU 143: seems like youre better at giving it than taking it
THA WU 143: i wonder how that works in bed
Lola041680: hahahaha..you'll never know..
THA WU 143: SAY IT AIN'T SO
THA WU 143: MY HOPES AND DREAMS
Lola041680: eeeh i can take it..you've been dishin it out pretty hard
THA WU 143: CRUSHED, DESTROYED, MURDERED, PILLAGED, in a single sentence
Lola041680: you should kill yourself now
THA WU 143: i need to masturbate
Lola041680: and look at my picture while doing it
THA WU 143: im not into vomiting while playing with myself, thats a little too kinky
Lola041680: ouch......!!
THA WU 143: send me naked pictures and maybe
THA WU 143: naked pictures of your best friend
THA WU 143: that is
Lola041680: ooh that hurt....hold on give me a minute ..i gotta get my tissues..think i feel a tear building up...
THA WU 143: dude if we were keeping score its like 123919399 to 3
THA WU 143: i need a tissue also but thats because i need to play with myself
Lola041680: no way dude its totally like 457676775 (me) to ehh ill give you hmm..4
THA WU 143: i wasnt comparing sexual partners
Lola041680: yea my best friend is hot..i'd do her..hahahaha
Lola041680: neither was I..eew
THA WU 143: ill do her too, give her my number
THA WU 143: im out
Lola041680: LATA..
========================================================

Amen. Hope you enjoyed.

Sex and Friends

2006-05-25T00:15:00.000-04:00

The age old question- can men and women be friends? Answer- maybe, if the two are completely unattracted to eachother. Otherwise, best of luck. Granted, the man is more likely to fuck it up, but a drunk woman always stumbles forth with the truth. A drunk man just likes warm holes to bury himself in; for a total of 6, 7 minutes maybe.

How do men and women even fall into friendships? I have found in my own experience it was a one sided crush at some point, that one or both realized would never work and it kinda just fizzled into hanging out, completely platonic, but with an air of sexual tension constantly surrounding it. Again, blame the male more often for this. Maybe they are coworkers, then the sexual tension exists but without alcohol it is like an invisible border that SHOULD NOT BE CROSSED. Especially in a more formal, professional setting. If we are talking about something like a college job, like when my friends and I worked at Applebee's- hell, go to town if you are both in that kinda mood. But somewhere that you and your other might be competing for job openings- bad idea. You will both wind up talking smack about the other, trying to form alliances, having secret contests to see which one is willing to suck up more- a venerable recipe for disaster. Especially come happy hour, because the details will no doubt come out and wind up ugly. That's why most places have a strict no dating policy- it is NO GOOD for productivity, office politics, or anyone's job in the end. Again, if you are blue collar or working part time or even a stripper, then go for the glory. Otherwise, think about how much you hate everyone you work with of the opposite sex, let the little things they do get under your skin- but not enough under your skin so that you are still interested in hate sex.

Where was I?
Friends and sex, sure.

So you CAN be friends with someone of the opposite sex, it is possible. But likely, she will have to be a tomboy or love sports. On the flipside, he will have to be gay to keep her interested. All of this does not apply in college because you are all interested in one thing- booze. But after that, you are all supposed to be responsible, and looking to start families, and all those "adult" type things. None of that equals a quality friendship with someone you might be attracted to, sober or under the influence. Granted, beer goggles will make a lot of people more attractive for all the wrong reasons, so choose your friends wisely in the end.

What if you already had sex with someone? Can you be friends then? Probably not. Why? Someone will get jealous eventually. Someone will want more. Someone will wind up not feeling satsfied, and will end any hope for more sex or just completely cock block you. Either way, friendship likely to disappear. Jealousy is a bitch, I have been and definitely can be jealous when situations arise between someone I am potentially interested in and another suitor. It is tied into the whole wanting more- but there is a difference. Men will likely not be interested in more and just believe they can make everything work with just sex- a la the episode of Seinfeld on tonight where Jerry and Elaine tried to just be bang buddies. Didn't work, in the end they wound up together because Elaine made it that way. So true. Not saying it is always the woman wanting more, some guys are suckers for relationship status. But we can all agree it would more likely be the woman in that situation, wanting more than just physical action. Or one of you will be an asshole and try to push the limits, or try the other. This can be brought about because there is no relationship- in an attempt to form jealousy? Or someone might just be flat out oblivious, thinking that bringing around another partner, knowing the friend/lover will also be there, is a good idea. That sentence is really, really long. But you get the idea (hopefully). I'm only talking about it because I have seen it. Potentially experienced it, but definitely I have tried to stay away. I learned my lesson, have you?

Here is a better question- what is it about sex that always seems to fuck things up? Does the intense intimacy that quickly fades also steal your souls? For whatever reason, it always seems like after two people engage in intercourse, things can never be the same. Without advancement, there will be quick regression. Phone calls will severely decline, attitudes change, tempers flare- what an ugly, ugly situation. Expect more on this subject.

Orgasms, from a woman, for the.. women?

2006-05-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

My life was threatened if I did not post this. Enjoy?
===========================================
This past weekend was the bachelorette party. We saw a few drunk men who performed strip teases for our bride very nice great bodies thank you. I noticed that these guys are grooming their pubes, we appreciate that too. In fact, thats fucking hot!

Of the bachelorette party, the majority had long-term boyfriends, except me and my best friend who kept chanting take it off, take, take it off!! pretty much the whole night.... :)

In fact, there was this one girl among the bachelorette party who was really judgmental of me and my friends rowdy behavior, which pisses me off. And I have been thinking a good deal about her actions and the things she said. Trying to put myself in her shoes and trying to make sense of it.

The girl doesnt like to drink, get rowdy, or have sex.why she was out with us is beyond me. I couldnt really figure out what she did like to do except bitch and be critical of everyone elses. My girlfriend and I were at one point discussing how much we love sex and how we needed to figure out a way to have as much of it as possible. one of our frequently occurring conversations. This girl chimed in that her boyfriend wants to have sex all the time and she hates it. Ohh if I only had such problems!! Being the bitch that I am I told her to give him my number, to which she shot me a nasty look. :) :) Then she started to imply that me and my girlfriend are sluts not for the fact that we are having lots of sex, because god knows since me and my ex broke up Ive had extremely minimal amounts of sex, but for the fact that we love and enjoy having sex.

But, I thought about it. When me and my long-term boyfriend were together we fucked all the time. It was great. Several times a weeknot everyday, but close to it. Every way, every where, every thing; we did it. We were together almost four years. Having an orgasm(s) was guarenteed and they were delicious. The best feeling I have ever had in my life. Just thinking about it makes me happy (and horny).

I couldnt imagine having such a complainthating that my boyfriend wants to fuck me? Why?? Why would someone say that?

Then I realized It finally hit me of course, after-the-fact, that this poor girl probably was not having orgasms!!! And I felt bad. I would be bitter and bitchy if I never got off either.

I didnt have my first orgasm until I was 20 years old.and since then two out of three guys Ive had sex with have made me cum. personally, I think its pretty easy to make me orgasm, so the third guy was just bad, had a small penis, and didnt know how to fuck. I wouldnt recommend dating him.

Prior to that point, I would sometimes lie to guys and tell them I orgasmed, but I really didnt. I didnt lie on purpose. I just didnt know what an orgasm was.and even after I consulted with other women and came to the conclusion I definitely wasnt having orgasms, being honest to a guy about his sexual performance isnt always beneficial.or taken constructively.

Actually, there was this one guy who broke up with me because he couldnt make me orgasm. This of course, was in my preorgasm days. I encouraged him that he could try a little harder and to not give up on me yet, but he didnt. It wasnt like he was some sex-god either I cant even recall if he went down on me. But if he did, it wasnt good. If a guy is good I never forget!! But, anyway, that guy had only been with one other girl who probably lied to him about orgasming anyway. Sorry I didnt lie!! No actually Im not!!!

But, I remember my frustration. All that fucking but never climaxing. And I wanted sooo bad to cum. [I wouldnt mind cumming right now :)]

I do want to say it isnt all up to the guy. As a woman you need to know how to make yourself cum. when to clench your muscles, how to move your hips, how to make sure your spots are hit, and how to really let yourself be in the moment. Breathing and moaning are important too. Not only does this let the guy know when he is doing something good, but breathing/moaning increases the flow of blood, which increases your sensitivity which magnifies the orgasm potential.

One fact is significant and I have compared notes with many girls: the older you get the hornier you get (this is for women, for men the opposite occurs).so if you are 18 years old and you are a horny little nugget then watch out for when 23 hits!!! The older you get, the better orgasms you get (again this is for women, I am unsure if the quality of the male orgasm increases or diminishes with age.but any men that would like to inform me/us I would be happy to hear from, probably in more ways than one!)

I am concerned that many women out there are not having orgasms. I feel that is terrible and if I can be of guidance in anyway please let me know. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty, so to speak, to help out the community... :)
=========================================================================

My very quick two cents:
I read today that an orgasm during intercourse is FOUR times better than an orgasm masturbating. Um, I need a girlfriend. I knew Rosey P was no good.

for those of you still clueless, the P stands for Palm, der.

um... MORE SAKE!

2006-05-23T12:10:00.000-04:00

Creepy sushi experience lastnight.
The place is wonderful, I've had their food twice but it was noticeably better than most sushi, as far as presentation and quality would have it. But man, are their waitresses straight from Japan. My last time there, a waitress came over and said "Oh, are you student at WestConn?" (local college). So I keep the conversation going cause now I'm interested, maybe David Schwimmer went there.
"No, why, do I look familiar?"
This is the interesting part

wait for ittttt
waiiiit. Ok, she says
"No, I just knew it was a local college so I figured you might go there"

soak that in
honestly
try to make sense of it.
I apologize for the aneurysm, it didn't make sense to me either. Good thing I wasn't high or drunk, I might have thought she either wanted me to eat her tuna or was using crazy hypnosis and spiking my sake. But the food was good, so I gave it another shot.

Something else I noticed- they push their sushi special rolls there harder than Applebees pushes their special appetizers. It's as if the restaurant is holding the women's children hostage and will only let them go if she sells 25 or more, it's weird. Especially since I cannot understand what they are saying.

That takes us to lastnight. I went there for good food and to let it redeem itself for being so creepy. So we sit at a table and a woman comes over with the thickest... well it wasn't even an accent, she just couldn't fucking speak a lick of English. The weird thing is, after she took our drink orders, another geisha came over to ask us what we wanted. Were we taken over by the evil ruler of the place? What was going on? Weird, bring me sake.

So the Japanese only woman comes back, and there is about a pound of cucumber in my glass. GARNISH, ladies, it isn't ice cubes. So while I am trying to enjoy my sake, cucumbers are attacking my face. Lovely. And when she brought over the bottles, she acted as if it were wine at a classy joint- she turns the bottle over for us to approve, but actually more so she could check the menu and make sure it was the type we ordered. It wasn't, but whatever. So great, we have the menus open- she doesn't leave. In fact she stands directly behind us and keeps talking about sushi. I have no clue what she actually said, but when explaining the sushi special I SWEAR, she said "bong" and shaped it out for me.
"Okay, we just need a few minutes" my sushi partner explains to her. But she doesn't leave. Awkward. I think I may have started to sweat, I feel like it was Deer Hunter and my turn, one empty chamber left. It was too awkward to even speak, I was giggling half the time because she kept suggesting things that I couldn't understand. Three more minutes of weirdness, and it's time to order. The second waitress from earlier comes back, now I'm confused.
I didn't want her children to be condemned to a life of labor so I ordered the special- which the crazy lady explained as the "bong" and shaped it out again. Whatever, sounds good. Just get away from my table!!!!!!!

She then reappears 5 minutes later for someone's birthday, playing a gong to apparently no rhythm at all. I mean it was scary, loud, and lacking a beat, as far as I could tell. And she just kept going. She did not know half the words to happy birthday, and luckily, was done bothering me. I left the place after I spilled the rest of my sake. But I think I was just glad to have survived.

Could it be....

2006-05-19T08:56:00.000-04:00

Anyway, let’s talk about fate. I hate that fucking word and everything it stands for. You’re all like, “But Dane, without fate, how would I have met my husband/girlfriend/dog/plastic surgeon/God/etc?” Simple you jackass, the same way you did meet them. Crazy coincidence, or the fact you were in the right place at the right time. To say that you believe in fate, takes away everything you have done, everything you can do. It’s like giving up and saying your movie is a script and will play out as it would like to play. You know what? If you feel that way, let it be. Don’t go out and get a job, one will come to you. Don’t go get in shape, your body will develop abs overnight. Leave it up to this devilish fate, and see what happens. You will be fat and lazy, is that what your life was supposed to shape out to be? I hope not. Though, we do need some of those to make other lives look better comparatively. After all, you cannot have the beautiful, without the ugly. Fate is just a lame ugly scapegoat that we can throw any of our problems and some of our successes on. I do not understand why one would like to say fate led them in a certain direction. What about parenting, a good upbringing, a good head on your shoulders, ambition, good looks, charm, personality? If I had a son (which I might somewhere, I just know I haven’t been slapped with any child support bills yet), and he ever said fate got him that great job or that hot chick, I would slap the shit out of him. I want some damn credit! Cause you know I raised him as a smooth talking stud, no way I’m denying that to some force that is nothing more than a four letter word people let control their destiny. Oh and destiny is a bunch of bullshit too, maybe I should have used another word, but it’s too late for me to turn back now, I have come too far in this story to hit the backspace key for 15 seconds. Your lives are in your hands. People can help you or hinder you along the way, but only so much. In the end, it is what you make of it. If you lie, cheat, and steal your way through things, it will work until you get caught in a lie, cheating, or stealing. So even if you don’t believe me, and your heart is set on fate existing and being the only way for you to get by in life, do you really want this control of your life out of your own hands? That is scary if you answer yes, however, I have learned not to be surprised by the things people do and say.

Interesting topic- pubic hair

2006-05-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

Folks, believe it or not, I watch pornography. I know, I know. Shocking. In fact, I will give you a three line break to wipe the tears away and manually close your gaping mouth.

Time is up. Hope you're feeling okay. If you popped some pills to relax the surge of anxiety/depression, I feel you. Anyway, when you watch pornography, you get to see a lot of pubic hair. In all sorts of shapes and sizes and colors and ... breeds? I saw a heart shaved one once, that was rather cute, and also strange. Like how much time did it take to get that perfect? Did you even do it yourself? I can't imagine staring down there, sitting in the shower, you would get a good angle on the whole thing. Maybe it took some mirrors, what do I know? But that was hot. God I hate Paris Hilton. By the way, why does every man in the world want to sleep with her? Okay, she is tall, blonde, and attractive. Great, did you see how she has sex? I think I fell asleep twice. All I remember is glowing eyes and her being dumb. I guess it's true what they say- boys like blondes, men like brunettes. The guy behind her should have been reading a magazine or doing bicep curls, I would have been bored!

I'm straying from the subject, nothing new for me of course.

So let's review. In the past, big fat bushes were all the rage. Why? I'm not sure, maybe it matched the big hair. But gross. I'm sure we all, both men and women, have at one point in our lives been stuck going down on someone who decided a little extra time in the shower just wasn't worth keeping your partner from choking. Poor move. Not only will it cause oral time to decrease SIGNIFICANTLY, it will probably provide rashes should you decide to move onto anything else. Or like Larry David, you will have a pube stuck in your throat for an entire day and have no way to get it out. And if you do, are you going to show people what was choking you up? Ew. Why people still do not at least trim down there, I have no idea. Especially women, who are so so so so always self conscious. Guess what? Pubes came about through evolution to trap our pheremones, thereby promoting sex. Okay people, pheremones died back with the invention of soap, perfume, anything that was made to hide the scent. And no, nobody likes those smells anymore. Okay, some weirdos out there do, but I would have to speak for the general public when I say, we all like our partners to be or at least appear freshly showered if our tongues are going to do any invading. Men I can understand, we are lazy and always expect a little head no matter what. But the women still puzzle me. Puzzle me like the whole everyone feeling okay walking around naked at the gym. Something on that level.

To be fully shaved, I have addressed before. Why is everyone into it? Well women should like it because it allows for better genital contact. Assuming we aren't rubbing your stubble the wrong way, there should be no problems. Men should like it because she will actually attempt to go all the way down your pathetic shaft, instead of stopping three inches up because your curly q is poking her eye out. But mostly I would have to say it is our sick fantasy, along the lines of the whole school girl thing- young and submissive. Couple it with pigtails and men are beyond content. I can't say I prefer the bald approach the most. It might give off the wrong signal as well. Such as, "hey I was expecting to get laid tonight". This applies to both sexes and can cause some woes unless you are both plenty drunk.

Now to my favorite. I appropriately call it the landing strip, though depending how you look at it, it could be seen as backwards. The way I see it, it is the only way for the hand to get down there, as I would hope you have to do some rubbing before you get to the tonguing. And assuming the security guards are both asleep (you should know what the hell I mean, those fucking hands that just slap and slap and pull away, evil ass security guards) you should always have clearance to land. A landing strip would just be weird on a guy. Very, very weird. I guess a happy trail could somehow be trimmed into this but, WHY, why would you do that? I think it looks way more sexy than the "look I'm either 12 or a chihuahua" bald type. It's like a tease, and shows that you care enough to make it look sexy for us as well. That's hot ladies, that is H O T. Take note. I am here to change the way we all view our pubic hair.

The bottom line, if we all like, want, appreciate oral sex, we should give something back to our partners. And that is the removal of unsightly, smelly, curly, creepy, scratchy pubic hair. Because there is nothing worse than getting psyched up for a round of oral, only to have to dig between the bushes to find anything worth eating. Know what I mean?

I bet you all want to know what Dane does. Dane, do you shave your balls? Dane, do you trim all the time?

Jesus Christ you fucking perverts, my Dad could be reading this!

Morning Breath

2006-05-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

I've talked about morning sex before, I believe we are all in agreement that it is both wonderful, and necessary, to start of a day. But what about the evil that lurks behind it?.... it of course, being your lips. Women make a big deal out of morning breath, it really isn't. Let's put it this way on the taste scale- it's somewhere after vegetable lasagna, but somewhere before someone who just ralphed or smoked a ton of butts. So don't worry about it! (unless you smoke before bed, then it's just old crusty tailpipe combined with morning breath) It really isn't a big deal, but women seem to be self conscious about it. Don't worry, we don't mind. In fact, I am tasting my own morning breath right now, I think it is something like a sour cherry- that's not so bad, is it? Without kissing, morning sex is just a fuckfest, sloppy and completely lacking intimacy--- ladies, I thought you loved intimacy? If we don't kiss you, following orders, your complex about your breath only worsens- then no one is getting laid. So just kiss away, chances are if we are even making out in the morning, we probably taste like eachother's stale sex juices anyway.

My other advice, ladies, without sounding too presumptuous- is to always have a travel toothbrush on you. Even though you may not plan on sleeping over, sometimes alcohol and or fits of passion may cause you to do so. In this case, you don't want to be brushing your teeth with some grimy ass finger, God knows where it was that night. Then you won't just have morning breath- you will have morning death. Granted, when I wake up in the morning, I like to take a little pee pee action, my penis reminds me of that every morning by waking me up like he is ready to go... but he IS ready to go, just not sexually. So I guess we can find a happy medium here ladies. Men want to pee, you want a fresh, clean, mouth that will only be dirty 6 minutes after anyway.

But WHATEVER YOU DO- please don't stop the chance of morning sex because you have issues with the way you think YOUR OWN MOUTH tastes. If ours is that bad, tell us. Shit maybe we should all just keep those little pocket mouth strips by our beds in case.

No, but seriously.

2006-05-10T22:14:00.000-04:00

When I went to San Diego- my friend that lived there was ALL about a trip to Mexico. Luckily we never made it. Though the allure of $20 whores is amazing, there was something else he was interested in.
"Dude, we need to go see a donkey show!"
A donkey show... what is so fun about a bunch of donkeys? Do they do fun tricks? Wear little hats and dance around? What could it possibly be???

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ew.
Those same whores that you are trying to put your little rinky dink in are having sex with fucking donkeys. A DONKEY?! Cmon. Honestly, where did this whole farm sex thing start? I can see some redneck guy, divorced, sees women maybe once a year, and they laugh at his lack of teeth; I can see him having sex with a sheep. But a woman, even worse, an attractive woman, yearning for some ass? (LITERALLY) Where did that ever come about? I could envision a conversation

"Oh Julie... there just isn't passion in my life anymore. The guys don't hold doors for me, no flowers, no cuddling after sex. I feel so, so... used."
"Amy, you should have sex with a donkey"
"OMFG JULIE, you are a genius"

And there it went.
But honestly, was it a lonely woman? Why did others follow? What the hell do you go for after you have had horse penis? Is there intimacy I am missing? Are there chances for dirty talk? "Hey Mr Ed, tell me how tight I am!"
"Um.. neeeeehhhhhehehehehhehhhhhhhhhhhhh"- stomp stomp.

There must be something I am missing. Oh and one more thing, how do you have sex with a snake? Or do I just not want to know? And better yet, who pays to see a donkey show? Is it possible for people to masturbate to some smelly, hairy beast recklessly humping some woman, with hopes of procreating? Wait, I think I just described the average male porn star.

Anyway, yes I was thinking about this in the shower. And no, I didn't have an erection. Perverts.

Driving can provoke thought.

2006-05-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

Question:
When did Americans become so dumb?
What do they teach in school these days? I just don't get it. I am surrounded by a society that doesn't even know the difference between AFFECT, and EFFECT. Let me break it down for you. You will never use effect as a verb, unless you are a scientist. You probably aren't. And if you are a scientist, you must have a brain. You would already know the damn difference!
The only part I can cut some slack on, is who vs whom, I would say about 85% of people have NO IDEA when to properly use whom... or even know it is part of the English language.
We have people obsessed with phonetics, because of some stupid learn to read program that does nothing but teach us how to be terrible spellers. Sad. Learning to read takes time, and with ANY LANGUAGE, you must learn the exceptions, as there are always plenty. It is just sad to know that there are people out there, with English as their second, maybe third language, that can speak English better than our "Native Americans".
Speaking of, why must the history we teach our young ones be so biased, and almost entirely untrue. Why promote ignorance in the society of freedom and such high values? Granted, each society has it's own form of it's own history- try to find something on WWII in a German textbook. It's like the 40's never happened. But to teach kids, that our land was taken honestly, is beyond laughable. Why not teach the truth? Our land was stolen from those who lived here, and both genocide and severe oppression in turn formed a dysfunctional society, that had to war within itself to help decide how the law of the land was to be run. This somehow, magically, created the capitalistic country we live in today, that prides itself on the freedom and opportunity within. But to think this was achieved in a "kosher" manner, is just plain ridiculous. Then again, how do you teach a five year old that the big bad puritans gave syphillis to those red faced indians and murdered thousands of innocent lives; so you can celebrate Columbus Day and enjoy a feast on Thanksgiving? They do say, ignorance is bliss. Hmm...
More questions- why do people think they can get by without an education these days? If you are ever feeling down, watch an episode of Cops. How do these people function? Nevermind the fact these people are so fucking dumb, that they actually will sign the waiver to allow faces shown on tv. Wow. These aren't the 60's. Granted, many of our parents didn't go to college, they really didn't have to. They were able to get by on a booming economy where jobs were formed for people, and it was easy to pick up a certain trade or walk into something as entry level and BECOME a professional in that field. Guess what? No longer happening. Yet people think they can abandon high school and do what they want with their lives. Well I guess if food stamps, trailers, and drugs get you excited- rock on! Cause unless you have stupid fucking luck, and come up with some genius scheme like Girls Gone Wild, ebay, or the like... you are shit out of luck. And even those people needed brainpower to come up with the genius business ideas and marketing schemes that gave them fortune. That or they were puppets, with someone pulling the strings behind the scene. Sounds like another asshole I know. Some call him Gee Dub. I call him the prick that is killing thousands of our soldiers for no fucking good cause at all anymore except the rising price of gas. Fuck the president as well.
Can we take a minute to look at the role models we have today? Paris Hilton? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT USELESS WHORE GOOD FOR? A video that isn't even exciting or fun to jerk off to, I guess. She is so, so, so dumb I am amazed she can walk and chew gum at the same time. She honestly is good for nothing else than being naked and hypnotizing the men in this country. And yet, all these girls look up to her. That's good little Jenny, little Jilly, go suck a bunch of cock and video tape it, date as many stars as you can, and eat once a week, maybe twice, cause pooping is so NOT hot. Then you too, can be popular like Paris Hilton. Don't forget to act as dumb as humanly possible and feed off others' money, when you have more than enough of your own.
What about Barry Bonds? Sports superstar, right? I wonder how he went from a tiny baseball player in the early 90s to a huge homerun hitter with a head that is probably a size 8 1/2... hmm. That's right, people love you if you cheat to do well. Babe Ruth is a true baseball hero. Everything he did, he earned. He was a hero and a national icon. Barry Bonds is a fucking juicehead loser that hasn't earned half the shit he is "given credit" for by many. Fuck him too.

Do I sound bitter? I'm sorry, a lot of random things go through my head, they need to be addressed and brought to the light so others can hate like I can. Because as fun as love may be, a little hate here and there is only healthy.

I probably had more to say, but I will keep it to here for now. I have things to do (not really, but I can pretend I am important here and there)

I'M OUT!

Advice hour.

2006-05-09T08:57:00.000-04:00

And for my next trick, relationships. The secret to everything about them is about to be revealed, I suggest you sit down for this one. Some women are always talking about how they only attract assholes; normally you will hear a guy complaining that every women he dates is a psycho. We have all heard it, yet we probably never stop to think about why this is true. Is it possible we are really out just to be with assholes or psychos? YES! Not because she is a bad person, or he is into being stalked; it’s something I consider to be biological and determined early on in life, mostly by what your parents go for. Many of us have also heard that we set out to date someone like our parent of the opposite gender. Not nearly the truth. The reason is no one ever thinks they are actually setting out to date someone that his or her mother/father would date. Plain and simple. So the reason this whole cliché was started is because, when you think about it, the person you are going to date is most likely someone your parent or guardian would have dated back before that 9 month mistake they named you. To my point. Each one of us has a set threshold in our brains. For women, the threshold is how much asshole they can take, because we all know all men are assholes, to varying degrees. For men, the threshold is how much psycho they can take, because, again, we know all women are psychos, to varying degrees. And that is how relationships begin. You meet a person, determine his level of asshole or psycho, and then measure it against your threshold and make the oh so important choice. But there is a curveball to the mix. In the beginning of almost all relationships, it’s too cute to be able to determine these levels. Guys don’t start to be assholes until they know you are nearly wrapped around their finger and you are hooking up consistently. At the same time, women will creep in with their subtle attempts to tie the guy down and/or test his commitment. Such things as: Grabbing the remote, asking us to stay in on a Friday night instead of going out with the boys, getting angry if we don’t call a few times a day, etc. Women don’t start to pour on the psycho until the men pull this and they decide they want to kick the shit out of that nice guy that wooed them and then bounced. So any relationship formed before this point is simply for lust because someone wants some action and/or was drunk. That or you are an extreme exception to the norm and I’m not writing an addendum to cover your random story you son of a bitch! People, people, this is a generalization, just like stereotypes, not everyone fits it perfectly; but enough do to make a point of it.

Two major things will ruin a relationship, and are probably responsible for more than half of the arguments, breakups and former which leads to the latter. Number one, plain and simple, is sex. Not enough sex, too much sex (is there such thing? Unfortunately, to some, there is), boring sex, freaky sex; it can kill a perfectly good relationship. Here’s the scoop. People are normally too afraid to talk about anything sex related with a partner. Instead they wait until the next day and tell their best friend how he was done in three minutes or how she farted two times. That or you wait until you have a few drinks in you and bring it up around not only the person involved but friends of yours and really cause a problem. My philosophy, believe it or not, is to speak what is on your mind. While it may seem brash and occasionally out of line, it gets to the point. There are no secrets that way. Tell him how you like it, tell her what movements feel good, get it out there and have some good fucking sex. Nothing could be healthier to a relationship. This leads to the second thing that ruins every relationship, and is intertwined with sex: communication. Outside of the bedroom as well, it can cause a host of problems to keep certain things inside. Hate how he burps out loud but you just won’t say anything? Or how she drinks the OJ right out of the container? These little things can lead up to explosive confrontations if not addressed. In the relationships I have been in, I make it clear from day one the only two things I really am passionate about are honesty and openness. Without those two things, it will never last. The phrases “forget it” or, “nevermind, it’s stupid” should not even exist. When I am with someone and she says that to me, I will bug her until she gets it out, because otherwise it will come out two weeks later when we are battling over what a mess my room is or because I need too much sex, something like that. I dare all you people in relationships to step it up, say what you’re thinking and watch how you can get the bullshit out of the way and enjoy each other that much more. This is all within reason however. If there are problems that cannot be fixed, or major issues linked with communication or sex, might as well give up now. If you hate cats and she loves cats, good luck compromising. Either you are going to love cats or you are going to hate yourself, sorry buddy. If you hate football, good luck being with him from September to February. Pull out a school girl’s outfit you know he loves, buy her a rose and tell her she looks beautiful just because. Say you will stop leaving the toilet seat up, take notice, she will. Tell him you don’t mind football as long as halftime is all about her. Then sit back, and watch the little heart bubbles. God I’m making myself sick here with this romance!

The ol ex part DEUX

2006-05-08T10:35:00.000-04:00

I never seem to get full thoughts out on here. My brain works too fast, I create my own form of ADD. Hey kudos to Reiche for coming back from the dead. The whole irony between us is that he has lived in Boston, I have lived in... well let's call it the Tri-State area. I was always planning on moving up there, so he and I could rock out like we were college roomates again. So, as most of you know, I am moving to Boston now. Well.... Reiche is moving to the Tri-State area. So, now, we are trading a NON-Sox fan up to Boston for a NON-Yankees fan. hum
moving on!

Getting back with your ex is not a victimless crime. Men know that the best women to flirt with are the ones fresh out of relationships. And no, not because we love your baggage, because we seem to love emotional weakness. So maybe you really are a nice guy, there's a possibility that could be true- but you are extra nice when you know she is fresh out of a breakup.... am I wrong? Just be careful, she might be doing it to spite him- sticking it to him by pretending she's gonna let you stick it in her. Then you start to get close, flirting increases, heck- she might even kiss ya. But be very, very, very careful. Because she might push you away once things get hot. NO, I CAN'T- I love him too much. Oh boy, go back and read my blog, find the appropriate objection, and work past it. It's like being a salesman if you're any good- but you probably aren't. The next day she has an away message about loving and missing her pookie and your blue balls will just have to move on, my friend.
WE are the victim! You women will use us for company, something fresh, until you get back with that old flame- bastards. Men, however, will get back with their ex, not tell you, probably continue to have a mistress, and then when it gets serious (like buying a house together, or a dog, something like that) he will tell you to scram. With women, you are bunk again from the start. And then what? The relationship probably won't last... but you are long gone and she is on flirting with another. Or what if she comes back to you? Do you give it another shot? Or are you then considered a form of ex, and know it will only lead to her getting back with someone else? Oh the vicious cycle. At least if you're with a man who gets back in a relationship, and it fails, you won't know. One day he will just start being extra nice again, like the day you met (or dry humped or whatever you did, you perverts) Is it sometimes better to be ignorant? Guess it depends on the situation.

My head is spinning from the possibilities. Just do me a favor, don't call me Dance. Two different people sending me IMs lastnight somehow called me Dance. I don't even get the need for the extra keystroke. Cmon now. Then two different people happened to talk to me about saran wrap. What is going on? Is it the end of the world? If so, I better hurry, I have at least three things to accomplish before that happens.

I am my fucking khakis. But

2006-05-05T09:02:00.000-04:00

You are NOT your cell phone. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have the newest technology at all times, but don’t ever let your cell phone overshadow who you are, PLEASE. To be honest, I would rather have the cell phone from the late 90’s that is absolutely massive and had an antenna that reached the stratosphere. Now that, would be cool. Imagine the belt holder for that one! And while we are on the subject, I know it has been said multiple times before, but just let me reiterate: your cell phone is not an accessory. So please, please oh please, stop wearing it on your hip and learning how to “quick draw” it. It does not make you cool, you are not a gun fighter from the wild wild west.

I have plenty to say about cell phones, so kick back, take off your shoes, stay a while.

Why do you avoid answering your phone if you don’t know the number? Do you think you are that important? If you were, you wouldn’t have to be answering any of your calls in the first place, you would have what most call a “personal assistant” because it sounds way better than secretary. Fuck being politically correct, he or she is simply your bitch (ironic how I type he first even though that market is over 90% female, especially after that last sentence). You are not important. You might be slightly important, not that important. Chances are you are lucky enough to even have someone calling you in the first place, why ignore it and then sit around and wait for another phone call? You have no life, you have no purpose, you should be jumping at that phone every time it lights up and plays whatever trendy tune you just paid $8 for, loser. You don’t run your cell phone, it runs you. If you didn’t want to be contacted you should just stick to the land lines and pay phones. Otherwise, answer the damn thing. Then you get the response “well if it is important, they will leave a message”. First I smack the person with the terrible grammar, you don’t say they when you’re talking about a singular person, but I digress. Think about the time wasted from that person calling, to listening to your stupid voicemail message that is either cutesy or too professional for your weed smoking ass or has some shitty song in the background while you act gangster, followed by the time it takes them to tell you how pathetic you are for not answering in the first place, to you having to pick up the phone and dial in to check your voicemail, fumbling around with your 18 digit PIN cause you sure don’t want anyone checking Mom telling you that she cleaned your underwear, to finally, finally, figuring out who the hell called and what he or she wanted. Then you realize it was from a blocked number and you are shit out of luck. And they probably wanted to give you concert or sporting event tickets or were horny and now you are beat. Talk about the shame. All because you wanted to hear your new tune play so you could look at it and pretend like you are too big to answer. Again, you are not, you are nobody. Pick up, because it might be me calling, and I fucking hate leaving messages. Thank you.

random

2006-05-04T08:55:00.000-04:00

Ever had a q-tip in your urethra? Probably not huh? Let me tell you, it's thrilling. The things we do to assure our health, eh? Good story behind this one. But the best part, the doc turns to me, and says "So... what does that feel like?" Uhh doc, what the? "Well, all my patients ask me, but I've never had it done so I don't know what to tell them!"
I wanted to strangle him at that point.
That and take 80 grit sandpaper to his nuts for a few minutes. Well doc, it's a lot of fun, but can you take the q-tip OUT before you ask another question?

I was afraid to pee for 4 hours. FOUR FUCKING HOURS, I had to sit there, whimpering, hoping it wouldn't burn like I actually had something going on down there. Son of a bitch. But hey, not everything is easily tested for. So roll those sleeves up and pull those pants down and get it done for the sake of your own damn safety and those poor innocent bastards that might sleep with you.

In my defense, I didn't get it done because I was worried about anything- at the time I had been with my girlfriend for about a year. Funny thing is, she calls me up crying her eyes out, yelling at me that I gave her chlamydia. WHOA
hold up

WHAT? ME? I didn't even cheat on her, there was no way I could have had it... did I have it the whole time? ME, the human sexuality "major" (my focus in psychology) could I possibly have been so dumb? I ran through all the scenarios, pretending to be ignorant for once. Well, I thought, I was in that hot tub, I used a public toilet... wait a second you stupid fuck you cant get chlamydia from that. God damn! What happened? Was I taken advantage of while passed out? I can't see that as being any fun for any girl whatsoever. I had to spend hours talking to her trying to figure something out- blaming her for cheating on me, doing anything. I had a miserable girlfriend whom I loved and cared about more than some bacteria growing in my dingaling- and I knew I had done nothing wrong... I knew it. I had to spend the next week waiting for my appointment, for the semi-moist qtip... miserable. Not for myself, but for a woman who put all the trust in the world in me, and somehow, some way, it all fucked up in the blink of an eye.

So, that's why I got tested. Guess what? Negative, I had nothin. Oh, was that the MOST fun conversation I have ever had with a girlfriend or what. That is told ya so, on a level so high, it's beyond space, beyond time. I think she owed me whatever I wanted for the next 3 months. Guess what? She calls up her doc... and the doc sayssssssssssssss
Oh... well there's a chance it was a false positive.

So, people. The qtip, is a necessary evil.

I might compare myself to mold. Or a virus?

2006-05-02T21:18:00.000-04:00

Over the years, it has come to my attention that I am not easy... to swallow, for lack of a better, more cliche phrase. My brutal, honest approach to things has gotten me slapped, kicked, beaten, and occasionally- loved. But I have been working hard, and long, with a team of scientists, a few Asians (you NEED the Asians) teamed up with an abacus, some dry ice to make it look like chemicals having crazy chemical reactions, and a monkey or two just to entertain me with their feces throwing and temper tantrums.

Alas, I have found a scientific equation that equals liking, or hating, Dane. The first 3 (Three) times you meet me, you probably will not like me. This depends on the situation. If we are talking about a date, you might love me, and hate yourself, on date number one. If we are talking about a drunken situation, you might not like me. I tend to pick on the weak minded to entertain others. Yes, I am an entertainer. But don't get me wrong, I am not overtly evil. In fact, when I do get into make fun of people mode, it is normally because I can do it in such a way that I appear genuine, and they don't even know. It's like a game that never ends, and boy, do I have fun.

So the first time you meet me, I might be brash, brazen, and outspoken. Normally people do not like that. Why? I get some attention, others are craving. That or they can't keep up with me. Something along those lines. Getting past the first meeting without hating me isn't tough, but it is a slight challenge. Once you get over the hump, if you can look past the initial shock that a person like myself exists, and says the things he does; it's all relatively downhill from there. Once the shock wears off, and blood begins to flow back to the rest of your body, you might realize, I am actually funny. But funny in a wildly witty, sometimes out of control way. But isn't that the allure? I get bored with more of the same, you always need someone a little more out there to keep you entertained. There is a fine line between entertainment, and trouble. I don't cause fights, I don't cause arrests, I don't get people kicked out of bars- I just entertain.

The second time we meet, you might warm up to me a little more. Hell, you might even throw in your own two cents along the wild lines that I live my life by. Good luck, get this far and I definitely am like a mold. You can almost feel me growing on you, and the strongest bleach isn't going to stop me. That is, unless you splash it directly on my actual face. Then I might just squeal and kick and cry and say DUDE WHY DID YOU JUST THROW BLEACH ON ME? To which you would reply, well Dane, I read your blog. That or you want to take over the world, and I am standing in your path. I tend to do that a lot. I'm like a better looking Brain. Pinky was too dumb, but man, did he get the chicks (mice?). Speaking of the plural for animals, some female, of course, really tried to convince me the other day that the plural, for goose, is goose. Nothing I said could convince her otherwise. People like that, you just let go on in their stupidity, and attack them for it later. That is what it takes to be me, really. But I don't want to get sidetracked here, you are already lost and wondering why I am mold.

The third time we hang out, you must not hate me. Or you hate me so much you just want to wait until I am drunk and try to beat me up, be it physically, or emotionally. Best of luck. You might try, but I will win. You will laugh too hard or I'll just kick you in the junk and run away giggling. You might even draw on my face. But by then, you are destined to become my friend, or at least a decent acquaintance. I would guess if you took a poll of some of my best friends, and asked them to remember the first few times we hung out, their responses would be eerily similar. He was wild, he was an asshole, but it was funny. He caused a scene, but I pissed myself. He passed out, and we all drew on him, and he woke up and laughed it off. We stayed up all night drinking, he hit a telephone pole backing up his car, and didn't even get mad- he laughed it off and continued on. Those things make me unique?

An example of all of this is my soon to be roomate's ex girlfriend. She turned to me once when we were drunk, and said, hey Dane, ya know... I hated you when I first met you. Like hated you. But now I can honestly say you're funny, definitely an asshole, and it's all okay.
Aw hun, words from the bottom of your heart. But that's just the thing; with me, there is no bullshit. I don't change how I am to appeal to anyone, unless we're talking about older women or a boss. In that case, I will be a personality whore. But otherwise, you will always get the same from me, always. Almost guaranteed. So it's not that I am changing, which is why this whole mold idea came about. It can't be that I am going out of my way to satisfy everyone, that takes too much effort... instead, I must grow on people. Sick comparison, but so true.

Duality, what a word.

2006-04-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

This one could be interesting. Read this if you are religious, read this if you aren't religious. Read this if you spell religious wrong. Read this if you have ever questioned God, or the thought of Heaven and Hell (hence, duality), good and evil, or anything involving the afterlife. Have I covered about everyone yet? Good, read on. I was so excited to write something intellectual and interesting that I ran inside after I got back from the gym and I'm going to allow myself to smell for a few more minutes just to bring this to YOU, the reader, the people. As you might sometimes see me say, the reader will not be denied.

Okay, so, here's my thing. I am not a Church-goer. Never really was, I didn't grow up that way. I went through a bunch of tough times as a youngin and being confirmed and learning the bible just didn't appeal to me. Maybe the fact my father had gone through all of that shit in life, Catholic school and so forth, helped him realize it wasn't the right thing to do for most; or at least his son. The only times I went to that brainwashing store was when I slept at the Grandparents house, and my mother's funeral. It's not a store? Then why do they always ask for money? It's not brainwashing? Then why do you have to strictly adhere to their guidelines in order to enjoy life, but more importantly, the afterlife? I'm jumping the gun here. Let me explain- I don't have a very positive view on the strictly religious. Not saying they are wrong, but I feel somewhat misguided- by being TOO guided. But I also feel if it keeps them happy, then so be it. Whatever it takes, to each his or her own. I have opinions, we all do, and I will not bash any one religion, just try to bring my always random viewpoint to the forefront for some to ponder. And I may not be right about all my assumptions on a religion just because I am not that well versed...so forgive me. ONWARD!

God apparently created the Earth. Let me just quickly interject- anyone who denies science and this whole theory of evolution and progression must have some serious, serious problems understanding many things in this world- I'm sorry but I think those people are just plain dumb or at best, ignorant. Live a day without science, try it. Anywho- God created Earth and Adam and Eve and all that, according to that boring Christian religion, correct? Okay, but God is an all perfect being- there is only good with God. How then, did Hell come about? How could evil come about if God, all good, created something in his vision, also expected to be all good? To believe in this creation is to shoot down your whole theory, the beauty of duality. For evil to have been created, God must have messed up, and God cannot mess up. Sad that simple algebra can be used to shoot down an entire theory on things.

Now what about other religions? Native Americans, for example, did not believe in a God, they had multiple spirits for everything that was living on this earth. Does that mean they were wrong in their beliefs? Or were the white people in the wrong for coming over here, attempting to spread a narrow, diluted version of God, and then killing those people, already here, for not assimilating and handing over all they had? Hmmm...

What about certain facets of the most radical, and most misguided, who often align themself with the Muslim religion? Though I have not read, I hear the Koran is much like the Bible, and that misinterpretations allow radical factions to form their own beliefs based on what they think it could mean if they wanted it to. Selective reading, my favorite. In some of their minds, life is for suffering, and through this suffering, the afterlife can be enjoyed. To some radicals, the best afterlife will come when suffering for the "evil" living is caused, aka suicide attacks on those outside of their beliefs. To them, the only way to get to a form of Heaven, is to raise Hell. Does this mean they are in the wrong? And mind you, assholes, I'm not trying to say Muslims are terrorists, shut the fuck up already. We have as many white morons in our country sabotating things in their own way, it just isn't viewed as terrorism because of how the media will portray it. So simma down before you come out with your hate and ignorant comments!!!!

How can we determine correctness? As advanced as our world may be, and as far as science has come, let us quickly review what we know of the afterlife. The reason I say quickly review is because we know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No fucking clue, plain and simple. And yet we are so obsessed with satisfying a certain prerequisite in order to solidify our position in a happy life after death. What if precious life is wasted worrying about this, and all that happens is we rot in the ground? What if we are just reincarnated? What if...
So is each religion correct because that is the set of beliefs attached with it? Does that mean the afterlife is a big smorgasbord of killers, lovers, saints, and sinners? How would that work, no fluffy clouds and angels playing harps I bet.

Why do so few people question the Bible? Because the history of it is too guarded, and never brought to the surface for that fact that it might raise questions. Some people live their lives off the EDITED, yes, EDITED, words of a King that was "interpreted" and then rereleased by some old cranky white people in the Church that was put there to control the people. And what better way, than to scare them all into conformity?

All I'm saying is, I refuse to live my life by a set of rules that a "higher power" sent down to make sure I enjoy what comes after I pass on. I already have that, it is called the Law, set by other cranky old white men to keep us in order. But breaking a law is much more apparent, than these laws that are attempting to govern where I go after my heart no longer beats and brain no longer functions. I've already addressed how I feel about life and living, and I have bigger things to worry about now, in the present, and the near future- when I know what can occur. As for death, well... that's a long ways away hopefully.

Again, I'm not trying to offend those that are regulars on Sunday, and live their life by the code they have been taught is the way. So long as you aren't doing it, out of fear, and you are enjoying your life as you see fit- rock on. Because fear, was the original reason, that much of this popped up in the first place.

Double, standards, galore.

2006-04-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

This involves alcohol. What doesn't these days?
People try to get other people drunk for multiple reasons. Sometimes it's for sex, let's be serious. Sometimes it's because no one likes to be drunk alone. Sometimes you want your friends to pass out so you can draw on them. Sometimes you know someone in AA who hasn't had a beer in 3 months and you just want to see them off the wagon again. That last one is plain evil, people.

So men spend a great deal of time, and money, trying to get women drunk. At bars, at house parties, sports games, at the gym (?) anywhere women are and men can convince them to down a beer or eight shots of tequila. So it's automatically assumed, when a guy is trying to get a gal, or a group of gals drunk, that he wants some action. Why does it have to be that way? To be honest, I have had gals, try to get this guy drunk. What does that mean? Can't be that they want to hook up, right? Cause only men have those evil intentions. Is it to draw on me? That's a waste of alcohol, as women biologically take less alcohol to get drunk. Look it up if you think you're a tough guy and that I'm full of shit. There is a naturally produced enzyme in the stomach that breaks down alcohol before it would reach the blood stream. Men happen to have nearly twice the amount of that enzyme. (IT'S TRUE) One more reason for women to stop saying they can outdrink any man. Because now, you have to check for an adam's apple, when that bold statement is made.

Back to the analysis. Maybe I am asking you women, what are your evil intentions? Do you want us to pass out so you can steal our wallets? That is rather hooker-ish.

Maybe some of you really do want to hook up. Here's the thing. You don't need to get a guy drunk to get some action. Unfortunately the same is not always true for us men. However, I guess there could be some inadequacies on the surface that you hide under a double shot of vodka, which might make you feel more comfortable hooking up with the man- your drinking partner for the night? Maybe he motivates you to get so hammered your shirt falls off and your head falls straight into his lap. Maybe. Or it might come full circle with my dastardly hate for the worlds slut and whore that we throw about like a used cond.....iment packet. Maybe the drinking helps them to surpress these unfortunate evil feelings. Each probably has their own unique situation. I was once told by a guy friend in college that some girl got he and another guy hammered one night. Even gave him some random pills. The problem is, he woke up and said he felt weird and could have sworn she was taking pictures at some point. Now that, is plain creepy. So ladies, if you want weird pictures of men in compromising positions.... JUST ASK!

More double standards

2006-04-26T22:30:00.000-04:00

Equally abstract, yet explained in a way you can enjoy.
So a question came up the other day. If you could go down on yourself, would you? I'm not saying if it hurt like hell and your spine cracked in half a little each time you tried, if you were just missing some ribs or lucky like a dog/cat.
So I asked a couple females. Quicker than I could ask, they were saying "YES BITCH" and slapping me for asking such a dumb question. I didn't quite get the same response from guys. If you ask me, most guys would probably forget about women if they had the ability to pleasure themselves like that, and probably spend all day watching Sportscenter with a mirror, naked on a couch with a beer helmet on inbetween breaks.
And women would probably buy all the candles in the world and try not to drown in the bath or put their favorite songs on repeat and just completely, completely, cut men out of the equation. Wouldn't you all be excited? The rabbit is doing us in enough, nevermind if you could go the extra step. Men would all be fat and lazy, women would all be content with life and unwilling to play any mind games. What a sad, sad world it could be.

But honestly, look at it from an objective standpoint. The same man that would find it to be strange, or homosexual, needs to think about how he currently masturbates. Since it can't be the touching, it must be the fact it is a mouth? I think the big problem would be the huge internal conflict..... SPIT, or SWALLOW? If you spit, do you hate yourself? Are you ashamed after, angry at yourself and sad at yourself? Is it even possible? What if you swallow? Does that cross the line into homosexuality? For nothing else, at least you actually KNOW where it has been! What if you gave yourself an STD? For example- genital herpes has a chance of turning into mouth herpes through oral, and vice versa. What if you were giving yourself head, and wound up with a cold sore in a couple weeks? Do you tell the story? Is that not the most embarassing thing ever? Or is it comforting- "hey, don't worry baby, that came from me, no one else!" What would you tell your girlfriend? "Honey, I SWEAR I wasn't with anyone else but you, and.... myself?!" So is it because women aren't putting anything in their mouths, and don't have to worry about the whole spit vs swallow issue, that makes it easier for them to accept? What if you choke on your own pubic hair? My God, I'm glad to have a ribcage. Too many questions, so little time.

I think there should be a sketch comedy about this all. I have to be the writer, of course.

Life is fucking precious

2006-04-19T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry but some shit that happens in this world should make you realize how fragile, how delicate, how special, and how precious your life is. For those of you who don't know me but regularly stalk me in your own ways, I work for Progressive Insurance. That means I do all the dirty work after an accident happens. One of those tasks is appraising the vehicle.

I had a terrible car that I looked at today. To cut it short, it was a fatality. The woman was TWENTY FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD. I'm 23, close enough. What if I were to fucking DIE in a car accident tomorrow? HOLY SHIT. Nevermind the bullshit I wouldn't have an opportunity to accomplish, what about the way I left Earth? Probably didn't say I love you to my parents the last time I talked to them, probably in some stupid fight with some of my good friends, probably didn't cherish a damn thing I did and took it all for granted- we ALL do. But seriously, think right now, for one second, everything you would want to change if you were to die in an hour. And the scariest part of it all is, it can happen to anyone. She wasn't drunk, there wasn't another vehicle involved- she either fell asleep, or lost control- be it avoiding another animal or what have you. And boom- roof caved in, car was a fucking mangled mess, and she passed away. And there I am, writing an estimate on this vehicle, completely creeped out thinking not more than a week ago there was a lively 24 year old woman probably in the prime of her fun stage in life, rocking out to whatever music she may have loved, calling her friends to say she would see them later..... without even knowing. To be honest, I had a lot of trouble at this inspection. It just had an eerie feel to it, especially being so similar age wise to myself- maybe she had a serious boyfriend, maybe they were planning on moving in together. I thought about where I am in my life right now- I just started a new career- I'm planning on a big move, to a new city, in a matter of just over a month- I have so much I am looking forward to that hasn't even happened yet. Chances are she was in the exact, same, spot. She had her entire life ahead of her to look forward to, and that all vanished in a couple minutes- and what comes of it? Some other doofus goes out to her car, so he can call the parents and let them know that the car is totaled and since it was brand new and just financed they are going to get about $500 back on it- how thrilling, I bet they are anxiously awaiting my call.

I'm not trying to say everyone should walk around in a suit of armor, walking on their tippie toes, being careful never to deviate from the completely safe. Without risks, we cannot fully enjoy our lives. The thing is, be smart about what you do- not saying in this case she was necessarily stupid, it was just a freak accident as far as we can tell. But plenty of people do plenty of stupid shit that lead to plenty of stupid injuries or deaths. I just wish we all thought about enjoying our lives while making sure those important to us, knew that we were always thinking about them, or kept them in mind when it mattered most.

There are currently 3 separate accidents within our office with a fatality involved- one is a case with a woman I had handled a simple claim with just over a month ago. ONE MONTH AGO, I was talking to this lady, joking with her, making small talk, helping her get her vehicle fixed and everything worked out. And now, she and her child have passed away because of a car accident- that BLOWS my mind! There is an article in the New Haven Advocate this week about how fatal car accidents are on the rise, and it's a scary, scary thing. When I see people that don't wear their seatbelt, I cringe- I myself was in a terrible accident at the age of 17- I fell asleep after work on a hot summer day ( I worked landscaping, 5am-3pm in the summer) and drove off the road and dead into a tree. I woke up to an airbag, intense pain in my shoulder, and my passenger screaming and crying in pain. I looked through my broken windshield and it all came to me, I started screaming WHY.. for a second. Until I noticed something flickering at the edge of my hood- a FLAME?? My car was on FIRE? Holy shit, I thought. Get the fuck out of the car, I tell my passenger. He can't, the door won't open. I had my seatbelt on, I always do- I threw my door open and ran to his side. Luckily the window was crank and we were able to get it down- I had to drag him out by the window and hobble into the road to cry for help- now that little flame had turned into a small fire. What the fuck, why am I such a fuckup, that was all I could think at the time. An ambulance came, eventually.... since our injuries were minor, they gave the fire truck priority. I remember sitting in the back of a pickup truck and hearing the crackling... and then the blast. My car exploded, twice actually- and was left burnt to a crisp, mostly everything melted. What if I hadn't woken up? Holy shit.. what if. And to make things worse, the whole road was shut down. Well that road happens to be the same way my father would take to get home- and as he's on his way- he had to take a detour because they told him there was a big accident and the road was blocked off. My poor fucking father had to worry, knowing I take that road, hoping to God for the next 2 hours until he heard from the hospital that I was alive. WEAR A FUCKING SEATBELT- even though in this case it wouldn't have saved this young woman's life, it sure as fuck, helped to keep me where I am today. I walked away from that with only a broken collarbone and short my first car. But I had my life, I won the game, that day.

That shit made me stop and think... a lot. I changed a lot of things about myself, habits, ways of thinking, etc. Shit, that accident may be the reason I have some of these wild blogs in the first place. But today was a very humbling experience, left the rest of my day very somber. In fact the first thing I did when I stopped home to see the family was hug them and tell them I loved them. I even went up to each pet and gave them their fair share, lucky bastards. It's sad that it would take something like that for us to act loving at all times, but it's unfortunately true. Think of how many of us take for granted the little things- the love of family most importantly- the "affection" of friends, the caring of others, it goes unnoticed and underappreciated too damn much. I can't sit here and say I am going to appreciate every moment of my life, but there are little things we can each do to try and make those who deserve it, realize they are worth a little extra effort, or a little extra appreciation. I'm sorry I don't have anything funny to say, I tried to keep the rest of my day pretty upbeat, I would hate to drag anyone down with me. But there are serious things that none of us ever think about, that should always be in the back of our heads. Death is one. It can come so easily, without warning, just like this unfortunate young lady. I guess my main point, is watch what you do, and which people you hurt, because you never know when there may not be a chance to come back on it all. I am not a religious person but I pray she went peacefully and is in a better place- because you know there are a hundred and fifty things, she would have changed, if she knew she were going to die that night.

FOOD. I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTT

2006-04-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

I am a food snob. Don't take it the wrong way, I just grew up like that. My father was the head chef, and owner of a restaurant. He is an amazing man, we won't get into that now. But he is an amazing cook as well, I mean amazing. So growing up, we never had gross family KFC or any of that bullshit. When we went out to eat, we didn't go to Chili's, or something plain, NOT fresh, and shitty like that. It just didn't happen. We either had amazing meals at home, or went out to quality restaurants. And every type of food there was, I ate. I can say, when I was younger, I wasn't that interested in Japanese food, the word Thai just scared me. But I truly thank them for opening my eyes at an early age so that I now know, and even feel a little cultured here (haha).
People often ask me what my favorite food is. That's because I am normally stuffing my face. I don't really have an answer, I eat EVERYTHING. I love Japanese food, I am Italian, thats a given type of food but ya know. I love Thai food, Vietnamese food, and Indian food. I will try anything. German seems strange but I've had some, very little. The whole wurst thing doesn't really tickle my fancy. So normally I reply, sushi, because I can eat it every, every day. I guarantee 50 of you just said ew, 3 of you just threwup a little in your mouth, and 5 of you are horny. But of those who were disgusted, my guess is that you have never ever had sushi, and you probably won't ever give it a whirl. This baffles me. What is it that makes the thought of raw, well prepared fish disgusting? Think about your steak. The cows are fed growth hormones and packed together on these farms, so they are grown larger than they should be, because size = profit. Plain and simple. They are maliciously slaughtered and picked apart and shipped to your local butcher, or restaurant (probably frozen) From there you have some child handling the food with little if any care and so it goes to your mouth. The sushi on the other hand, arrives fresh, is only fresh that day, and cared for with the upmost, to ensure the quality of it all. But for some reason, you all ew. Raw, how gross. Vegetables are raw, they were once living. I bet you don't squirm at the thought of an orange, so why fish? Because they were moving? Because you are ignorant, and the first thing that comes to mind is that it is squirmy or slimy or anything like that? Come on now. First off, not all sushi is raw. Eel, for example, is cooked thoroughly and topped with a delicious sauce- go figure. Other forms are poached because no one wants it raw. But believe me when I tell you, nothing is more delicious than a raw piece of tuna, or salmon, or scallop mmmmm. Meat on the other hand, has a whole bunch of things you have to worry about, so you can't eat it raw- doesn't that make eating the fish... safer, and better for you? Go figure.

Anywho, I lost track. I hate people that ew sushi for no god damn reason. And then you make someone try it, and they say, oh wow, it isn't that bad. And there goes the ignorance, out the door. Just how I like it.

What I forgot to add, when saying what I look for in a woman, is her eating habits. I will eat all types of food, all the time. That's just how it is. If she is stuck in her ways and likes french fries and meatloaf, only... it may not work. Unless she is willing to try new things. That seems to be a lot to ask of some people, which is funny in a way. But none the less, that is who I am, and how I am. I love all food, I love it for the taste, texture, smell, appearance, and presentation. It is something we spend so much of our day worrying about, figuring out, preparing, doing, and spending money on- why keep it so narrow minded?

Men are always part woman.

2006-04-17T19:32:00.000-04:00

This may be hard for some of you to believe but
this blog might be a little abstract, try and bear with me.

I was at a bar lastnight celebrating a friend's 21st birthday. The glasses had cute little sayings on them, apparently I was "Drama Queen" all night. This is completely unrelated to the entire story.

On another note, go figure, women and men drinking together, sex was brought up. But not like hey let's have sex. More like things about sex. The birthday girl, just before all the shots hit her and she started hanging on Jimmy; brought up a good point, shit she inspired a blog. Men determine the sex of the child to be born, it is our sperm that either carries that Y chromosome, or doesn't, plain and simple. So then my fucked up self started to remember, ah yes, we carry male and female sperm at all times. So then I started to get gross. Do you think the sperms flirt with eachother? Granted, they are all out for the same prize, but what do you think they do in their spare time? Sit in a vat of to be ejaculate. Can't be that thrilling, I know I would be looking for an escape. And the last time I saw a group of guys and girls laying in a pool of semen it was Backdoor Sluts 9, and there were midgets running around and a donkey too. It looked like quite the party; though quite a STICKY situation. Oh, I crack me up. Moving on.
So what do you think goes on down there? Maybe they put signs on the dork's back that says "Shoot Me" (warning: this blog might be laden with puns, deal with it). Now here was my one burning question. If they hook up, is it considered incest? What about homosexuality? I mean granted, they are all sperm, and there isn't an anatomy difference going on to determine a square peg to throw in a round hole or two. Maybe they just tickle eachother with their tails. I know you have all been dying to think about this, I just wanted to bring it to the forefront. There must be some form of sabotage, there just must be. You know there are a few sperm down there doing performance enhancing drugs to give them that extra push at the end of the marathon. Granted, most of us do not have Kenyan sperm, so there really shouldn't ever be a favorite to win the race. And a Kenyan would probably just have a 1,732,393 way tie, that could prove ugly.
And what if the sperm about to win isn't into fat chicks? Have you seen the size of that egg compared to our tadpoles? Astonishing. Are they all tricked into thinking they are going to score with some hot broad only to wind up with some rotund picky bitch with a real tough exterior. Not only that, we lose the damn tail too? COME ON!
And how do we convince the female sperm to chug along. Are we telling them that at the end of the race is a non stop Sex and the City marathon? Or a shopping spree at Victoria's Secret? What is the motivation here? Avoiding death, I guess that's a good motivation for me.
One more question- the sperm that are wasted with masturbation, do they scream as they begin to dry up? What kind of life is it to wait for your big day, and then wind up in a tissue in a garbage festering with all your companions. You know there is one smart guy there saying "Told ya". Or if by chance it is spent on a nice girl that swallows, are the sperm excited because it seems all easy and then they see this vat of acid waiting to murder them?

I have come to the conclusion, being a sperm sucks.

Laughter. It can save your life apparently.

2006-04-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

Some new study reveals you should laugh about 15 minutes daily to save your heart from shitting the bed. Excellent, so everyone I know is running around with amazing hearts. Well people, glad I could help. Next time you yell at my dog for shitting on your lawn, I will gladly remind you- without me, you would die. Then I will poop on your precious lawn as well (and pee on your garden gnome)
But honestly, I think about laughter a lot. For a few reasons. There are like, 5 people in this world, that don't laugh at everything I say. I am mostly offended. Then I realize they are just dumb and my humor flies over their head (see: sarcasm, wit) So I try to let it slide. But then I think about the whole nature vs nurture when it comes to what we find humorous. Can there not be one universal that is funny? Back in the day I think it may have been the banana peel, hard to resist. With teenagers, it is normally fart jokes or the word penis (vagina just makes you blush). So what decides what we laugh at? For example, if your father was into British humor, are you forever doomed to like something that is NEVER EVER FUNNY? If not, how do you make up your own style of funny? Do you subconsciously fill out a form in the brain and anytime something fits that mold, laughter is induced? Fake laughter aside, this must be a pretty complicated process here. Better yet, how does our sense of humor evolve? From something so crude as the fart jokes to a more sophisticated taste. Is it like the way our taste in music evolves? Can I somehow throw the word eclectic in here? (Word of the day, by the way) How did humor itself evolve? At what point did some jester decide, I'm going to make a joke about all these severed heads!? Which eventually evolved into today's current jokes about every ethnicity and sexual orientation there is. Man the first people that tried this probably ended up like that jester, booed off the stage and lucky if they kept their head.

Guess it is just one of those things that cannot be answered. Let's take best friends for a minute. Same tastes in booze, women, and rock and roll. They even go to the movies sometime but always sit one seat apart, don't want to look too homo, right? How come you find that there are times one will laugh and laugh at the joke and the other decides to just keep eating popcorn? Better yet, think about the last time you watched a funny movie, alone. Take the same movie, throw in 3 of your friends, and I GUARANTEE, you laugh way way more with your friends around. For example- I love Family Guy. And normally, it is watched in a group setting because everyone loves Family Guy. I could probably spend an ENTIRE episode chuckling and giggling and almost peeing my pants (Miles, Davis). However, taken out of it's element, watched alone, I still laugh... but less than half as much. Is it just because the show isn't as funny as I thought? Is it because my friends are trying to get me high before I watch it? Is laughter then socially promoted? Oh, my friends are here, we all should laugh to enjoy the movie. Better yet, why don't you laugh when you are alone? Is the movie less funny? Is watching other people laughing appealing? Have you ever seen those laughter clubs? That shit creeps me out, they should make a horror film about it. But hey, they all have healthy hearts, assuming they don't make love to sodium a few times a day.

I WANT ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even the Bean can't keep me from you

2006-04-15T11:14:00.000-04:00

So I'd like to present something that you may not be used to- a double standard where the MAN comes out on the shitty end. I am of course talking about a hidden form of gold digging, the sugar mama.

Women are known to be gold diggers. I am not saying you ALL are, but most of you at least enjoy money- and a man with money sure looks better than a man at the Salvation Army shopping for glassware, am I wrong? But we let it slide, we are all here to make money as it is, so if you want a piece of the action, it's understood- we are supposed to treat you like the pretty princesses you are anyway.

The confusion comes in, however, when a male is searching for his piece of the pie. Men, go ahead and tell a group of women how you are looking for a sugar mama, or how you let some female buy you all sorts of things. Watch the smile fade away and look out for the left hook. Suddenly we are animals, how could we ever expect someone to pay for our things?! How could we let this woman go on and spend her HARD EARNED MONEY on our broken souls?

Frankly, I don't get it. Say what you want, money equals happiness. Maybe not directly, but through other paths. For example, money equals convenience- the ability to do things that you would like to. That in turn leads to less stress because you aren't worried about balancing the check book and findng the cheapest hotel. Less stress, less worries, less problems, bigger smiles. See the connection? So while we are all searching for happiness, we are consequently searching for money, in some form, as well. We all have our limits and comfort zones, I'm not saying we are all looking for a millionaire, but what if the person you loved also happened to have a great job and great wealth? What a bonus. It's like the cherry on a perfect sundae, the fake boobs on a stripper with an already perfect ass, the happy ending after a great massage, the fortune cookie that makes you feel significant and forget you just ate 2 gallons of sodium and your heart is about to shit the bed. We all should have fair game when it comes to searching for that which will make our lives a little better. But yet, men are looking down upon for wanting a female to take care of them, even if it is only for the afternoon. Now tell me, could this be solely due to gender roles of the past that we have been working so hard to get by? Will the male, no matter his actual role, always be looked upon as the breadwinner in a typical heterosexual couple?

Next topic.
Cockteases, and how is it a source of power for women. And yet that works so well with the gold digging, as a woman who pretends she is interested in a lonely man will probably get anything and everything she wants and desires, money or otherwise. Evil, evil women. It's hard for a man to be a clit tease, because we normally would just give in and git er done. But women, your willpower, your ability to feign interest for whatever reason, I must give it to you, I am impressed. I can only imagine the amount of blue balls given nightly across the country. Are hidden agendas always in mind? Probably not. Everyone needs a confidence boost now and then, what better way than to have someone dying to tear your clothes off, and then just walking away from it with a smile and maybe a handprint on your ass? How empowering. You really do hold all the chips sometimes ladies, and you absolutely fucking LOVE IT. The worst thing about it for men, and the best thing about it for women, is best laid out in example. In college, my roomates and I were wildly, wildly attracted to a woman. It may or may not continue, I'm afraid her and her friends might read this so I will keep it general and ambiguous. It became apparent after some time she was a major, major cocktease. I have never seen a group of guys spend more of their time flirting with the same girl, knowing there was nothing to come out of it but a hug goodbye and then some afterthoughts involving our own hands and a tissue. And yet, we continue on this path. Drool when she arrives, do our best to flirt hoping she might get interested, come to think she is being receptive to it all..... and then crying ourselves to sleep and tucking our testicles back because they have proven worthless, once again. Even when we KNOW, we KNOW we are getting nothing, we go on, with the slight glimmer of hope that maybe someday there is a chance, a hope. There most likely isn't, but damn, she must have a nice amount of self confidence. Evil, evil women.

Random thoughts.

2006-04-13T08:59:00.000-04:00

Is it always better to have loved and lost? Cause the way I see it, that next part "...than to have never loved at all" is a bunch of bullshit. Hopefully we each grow up with some love in our hearts, be it for our family, our best friends, whomever we are closest with. To have loved and lost, where does that get us? Heartbroken? Angry, vengeful? Depends how we lose the person I guess. To lose someone to a passing is one thing- I would never argue with that. What if you lose a significant other because you found out the two timing bastard/bitch was cheating on you with half the Minnesota Vikings football team/cheerleading squad (I for a fact, know that my next girlfriend will not be attending any "boat parties"). Is it better to have loved and lost him or her? Probably not, imagine what that will do to you mentally? You will wind up bitter, not trusting anyone or anything, without feelings for a little while, and just plain pissed off at times- tell me how you are better off? Let me guess, you will have telltale signs the next time around? Probably not, those don't work. People can be discreet and in relationships- I call it the INTERNET! Not hard to get away with shit on there that your hunny/stud cannot trace, am I wrong? What else could be a positive gain from it all- you know how to be picky from now on? Yeah, probably too picky, and either controlling, in an attempt not to lose someone (which will lose them quicker), or unable to open up for a long, long time to someone, no matter how great they seem. Because the last one seemed just as great if not better, and look how easily she was bent over/he was between her legs. So in these cases, I say fuck that- love the ones you know love back unrequited, and the ones that won't wind up in Girls Gone Wild- Fuck Everyone on the Planet edition (that has to be coming soon, they're getting less creative as time goes on...) or the ones that would leave you in a heartbeat for the girl with the tight ass crossing the street that may or may not have just winked in his direction. I find it immensely hard to engage in a quality relationship at my age- like I've said before.. maybe I sabotage it because I know what I really want, and it is not yet here. Or maybe it's just hard to find someone, not ready to settle down, but at least ready to calm down and put on some form of blinders, figuratively speaking. I have loved and lost- and since I haven't loved anything at all but those that have always been there for me- family, and my dogs (like woof woof), because they are too dumb to double cross me.

Your thoughts are appreciated, but hey, remember, it's just my damn opinion.

Rules. They need to be set and understood.

2006-04-11T23:50:00.000-04:00

Coming on too strong. We are all guilty of it. Sometimes, well most times, at least for me, it is alcohol induced. Sometimes I just get excited over shit and don't even realize what I'm doing. And it's the same with other people. So I am here to address some things and lay some groundwork. We've already discussed internet dating (go back and read if you haven't you non subscribing son of a bitch), I won't get too heavily into that again.

The first rule, that no one understands anymore, is phone etiquette. It is easy to understand male phone etiquette. We use the phone as little as possible. Some of you call it mean, I call it efficient. We can figure out plans and have everything setup for the night in a 30 second call to a guy friend. No need to waste away a half hour discussing things that can be brought up in person, or just aren't important at that time. But when a guy does get weird on the phone, is when he gets a phone number from a lady. 24 hours, 48 hours? What are the rules? It applies differently to certain people, and I would have to say the only guideline is the situation itself and how it works itself out. Expectations need to be set for this to be better laid out. For example- let's take a crazy one. You meet a girl at a bar and go back to your place and have sex all night and she leaves in the morning but gives you her phone number. Okay, seems like you were a buckin bronco then buddy, call her later that evening, but just to say you had a lot of fun and you want to do it again (if you mean it, otherwise you're a typical asshole). If it's like a Wednesday, wait until Friday, she will be more anxious, obviously that's what you want.
Example 2- you're an AIM playaaaaaaaa- you get a girl's number you've been talking to for anywhere from 12 seconds to 32 months. How long do you wait then? COMPLETELY depends on the situation. First off, she may have given you the number to the reject line. Do a google search on the number and see if it comes up- (in my defense I only did it once because it seemed too good to be true) No hits? You're in luck, she might dig ya. But does she talk about other boys or how much she hates men and seriously, SERIOUSLY, just wants someone to talk to? Give it time then buddy, you aren't getting head, by any means. Unless you are that good. But if you are, you wouldn't need someone else to tell you how to roll with it all.

On the flipside, the women need to understand what's up as well. Guys may seem to come on too strong but, sometimes it is your own fault. Maybe you just had an amazing conversation and he took it the wrong way. Or maybe you were flirting more than you realized? It's possible, I SEEN IT. Maybe he read about your nonverbal clues in some men's magazine and thinks he has you pegged. Either way, don't always blame him. Poor guy, maybe he hasn't touched a woman in like 3 months and is getting sick of calloused, hairy hands and fading eyesight. We can be overeager, but that's more reason for everyone to set expectations before the awkwardness even has a chance to set in. That's the main mixup here, women assume we know when they want to be called, and men assume the women want the call as soon as possible (which can be true, yet rare. and if she's that desperate, she can give up the TRADITIONAL, bullshit gender role we play, and make the first move) On that note, how come everything is changing but that which some call "old fashioned"? Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with holding the doors for women, opening her car door first, all that cute stuff, thats chivalry. But the whole deal about who is supposed to call whom first, making the first move, yadda yadda, cmon! If I can have a female boss, I can have a female throw me on the bed and start making out with me. And if I could have those two together, I would probably climb the corporate ladder quicker than kissing an old white man's ass.

So what are the rules? To review- set expectations, always. That way there are no surprises when it comes to contact attempts. Don't overdo it. An example? Too much text messaging. I'm lucky, it costs me money so I never spend it. But too much calling, too much texting, is unnecessary. If the other person doesn't respond to the text, or is responding with one word answers, give up.... and as for calling? No more in one day unless the other party asks you to- if EVEN once a day.

I like an assertive woman- take charge, tell me how it's going to go. That's hot. What a random change in subjects.

PS- for credit, this was inspired by some crazy girl, I think her name is Amelia, well her Myspace name is, but that means her real name is probably Gertrude or something and she is being trendy. Anywho, she made my banner too, how hot. Ask Zandar, yo.

Why I should write for Men's Health

2006-04-10T20:33:00.000-04:00

So the new issue came a few weeks ago, I finally got around to reading it. Not only is there an article in there on ways to turn a woman on other than direct genital contact, there is an article on how to now blow it with her friends (ie, cockblockers r us). There is also a fun fact I thought I would dive into and address. Seems that married men are the happiest of men surveyed, with single men being the least happy. I guess at some point in life, sex no longer equates happiness. Boy do I hope I never reach that phase.

So why would men be happier in relationships- let's take a look. One, we don't bitch to our guy friends. Not about everyday things. We need someone to listen to our shit about work, our shit about family, things we just aren't normally going to approach other guy friends about. So women, being in a relationship with you, allows us to pile our shit on you and feel better because of it. Thank you.

In the beginning of a relationship, there is plenty of sex. Sex makes everyone happy, so that makes sense too, does it not? So the marriage part threw me off. Maybe it is because you are finally getting everything done you have wanted: settling down, starting a family, becoming a mere shadow of what you were and growing into what your father one day dreamed you would be. Honestly, to even think about this at my age and where I am in my life, is frightening. Maybe that is also because all of my relationships have wound up terribly short and nightmarish. But hey, that is life isn't it?

So where is this blog going? I don't know. I wanted to write a book initially, this took up too much of my time as of late. I want it to grow, I want more readers. I want loyal readers. I want more feedback, comment, love, affection, and most importantly, hate. I need a banner. Someone help me make a banner. I spend too much time at work and the gym, the rest of my free time is pretty much spent here. Maybe I should hire a secretary. Will anyone work for laughs? Let me know. Because if laughs are payment, you will be making six digits. Reiche isn't picking up the slack. What a bum. I want to be serious about this, hear me now. It is just a matter of getting the word out there- this guy is fucking funny, fucking smart, and what a deadly combination. Nevermind his devilishly good looks.

Should I change my attack here? This has mostly been about my opinions and thoughts. Should I branch out and include stories? Some of you might hate me if I talk about the good ol days. Some of you might love me more. OH, the juxtaposition. But seriously, use that word two times tomorrow and you get a huge prize.

On that note.... back to the drawing board.

more locker room antics

2006-04-10T01:19:00.000-04:00

There are reasons I do not go to the gym in the morning before work. One, I love sleep. Two, I stay up too late to get enough to sleep to wake up early enough (got me?). Three, too many naked men there early in the morning. Four, showering and shaving there feels like some awkward fraternity adventure again- though when I pledged we didn't have to trounce around naked (I dunno about some of you other colleges). So instead, I'm at the gym from 730-9 at night and exhausted by the time I get home and get the evening started. And I swear, the first time one of these fun boys whips me with a towel as a joke, I'm going to ask him to get dressed so I can beat his ass. Cause beating up a naked guy just seems strange.

I can only imagine the weird flabby breasts that go on in the women's locker room at the gym. But let's talk about what I DO know about- the naked ass men, everywhere. Bending over like it ain't no thang. Excuse me, but I do not apprecite your brown eye, keep it to your damn self! I really do want to conduct a study to see at what age men decide, FUCK IT! I'll show my ass anywhere, anytime. No need to be shameful of my genitals anymore, strangers can glance as I powder up the goods for the rest of the day (barf, barf, and ralph). What the fuck is it with these men? Is it not nearly homoerotic, is this not like a gay bath house in the city years ago, less all the actual anal action? The worst part is that the locker room is tiny, there isn't much room to get around a naked man if he is standing in your way and you need to get to a locker. I have been known to leave and workout an extra 20 minutes, dead tired, just so that I won't have to face the possibility of brushing up against something and having to burn my clothing after.

So the other day, I'm getting ready to head out there, changing into my shorts and whatnot. This guy, couldn't have been more than 40, comes in and begins to change too. Right friggin next to me. No big deal, it didn't look like he was getting naked..... oh, shit, look to the right, he's unveiling the package. Son of a... wait, what the hell is he doing? He grabs for something I haven't seen since 9th grade baseball- a JOCK STRAP? Wait a second, this gym doesn't even have raquetball courts- what the fuck is this guy doing?
Yes, he took off his underwear and put on a jock strap, and went to work. I'm thinking, this guy either got some shitty advice, has dropped a dumbell on his sack somehow in his day, or he just likes the comfort and support it provides the whole pelvic region. That or he lives the feeling of it up his ass. Granted, I haven't worn one in many many many many years, so I could be off... but I thought they were, on average, worn built into a pair of briefs or over underwear, something like that. No, this guy had the thong version, nothing else. Like a horrible car accident, I looked away long enough to miss the gruesome part, but I was really wondering what kind of jock sensitive exercise this man was doing! Maybe the jumping jacks really got to him?

So I went upstairs and along with my business, almost forgetting this guy existed. Well, he eventually came upstairs too. And went straight for... the... treadmill. That's it. He ran on the treadmill for like a half hour, and left. No teste endangering, nothing. It had me baffled. I just hope his wife doesn't have to plug his ass at night instead of the other way around.

My thoughts on being a slut

2006-04-09T11:08:00.000-04:00

Alright people, if you're bothering to read this, know first off this is going to be long, I have a lot to say. Some of you who know me a little better than just a super popular handsome kid on myspace (haha) have heard me ramble on about sex in this society, and how ridiculous some of the shit that is that we have branded onto our brain. I am here to try and make a difference, somewhat of a difference, and try to change the shit that religion has fucked up, that parenting has fucked up, and that old views on something so natural and so beautiful, has fucked up.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE- IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT. If you ask me what a slut is, it is a person who has sex with someone to get something other than his/her rocks off. If you are using someone for drugs, money, friends/popularity, then you are a slut in my book; that is slutty. Slutty is doing it to get something you want or further yourself in anything other than a career (I make exceptions). Having sex because it feels fucking fantastic and relieves tension/stress, gets the blood pumping, good cardio workout, all those reasons are fine and dandy with me. Fuck away. Be safe, get tested regularly, don't pee on anyone under 18, and you should be set. I'm not saying sleep with everyone, but get some damn good sex. WHY NOT?! Because God looks down on people who have sex before marriage? FUCK THAT, thats the bullshit some old white people wrote years ago to keep the people in check, because sex was seen as deviant. GUESS WHAT, it isn't. So that theory is shot to hell. Ha ha, yes, shot to hell, where you were expected to go if you were fucking out of wedlock. The same people who wrote this in the holy book of all were also the ones that could no longer enjoy sex. Therefore they live an angry, unfulfilled life, hoping for promise in the afterlife. Think about it- if you weren't getting laid, wouldn't you wish everyone else weren't getting laid as well? Don't you get angry when it's been a few months and all your friends are telling you about their sexcapades? Mmmm...Coincidence?

CASE IN POINT- we all have our stories but this is a great one I was told, which inspired me to write this to be honest. A friend of mine was telling me about a girl she knew, who was a virgin until she got to college. She lost it her freshman year, and within that year, slept with 8 other guys, totalling 9. She was hooking up with guy number 10, but before they got to sex, she decided she couldn't have vaginal intercourse with him because double digits would make her a SLUT, a WHORE, whatever she had in mind that was dirty. So this female, ex virgin, now sex obsessed woman (can you BLAME HER?) decided to let this man have sex with her, but not in the vag, if youre following my hints here. She decided anal sex would keep her from feeling like she slept with 10 guys. GO FIGURE, I thought the pooper was worth 1.5 or something, last time I checked the point scale. Anyway, this is just one example of how ridiculous people can be with their convoluted thoughts. And I hope she enjoyed going to the bathroom the next few days, nevermind walking with her legs together.

Here's something else on my brain. We've all been in the situation where we meet someone and hook up. It happens, and then we start thinking with our hormones. Guys, I know at least one time you've been making out with a girl, groping her body, finally thinking you're gonna get some, but then, NOPE. And why, you ask why WHY can't we just have sex. "Because I'm not a slut" "Because I'm not easy" are probably common responses. So you respond with, "But you would like to have sex wouldn't you" AND, they respond with a big fat yes but they are biting their lip and still smacking your hands away from their crotch. Even worse, you may have been in a situation where you have done everything with a girl EXCEPT throw your dingaling inside, and then she stops you. Last time I checked, it's a little more personal to let someone go down on you than allow them to check your oil; but hey, that's just my opinion. Because of all this bullshit, for some reason, a lot of women have this wild idea in their head that doing everything but intercourse on the first date is fine, and then fucking like rabbits the next time you see the person, likely the next day, stops you from being a whore. This is also addressed in my previous blog about waiting. Don't you like how these go hand in hand?

NO ONE LIKES BLUE BALLS. Why get to the point that all you want to do is ravage the shit out of eachother, and stop? Because society has deemed it as evil, and taboo. Only in this society will shit like that happen (and some wild tribal cultures but they also chisel their teeth and eat babies and chop off your arm to welcome you to manhood). If you go around Europe, the views on sex as a whole are WAY more relaxed than the shit here. Don't believe me? Find someone from a country over there, straight from one of those countries, and chat with them. Hell, try to get off if you want!

I may be straying some, like I said, I have a lot to say. So onto something else random.

I have found, through my own personal research, haha, and things I hear from my confidants, that women tend to get attached after sex. I'm not saying all, believe it or not guys, you probably have been used for sex at some point in your life, be proud. Some woman deemed you important enough to get her off, and that's it. Wear a fucking Burger King crown around for the rest of the day, after you figure out which chick that was. You won't be able to tell, thats the problem. But there are some clues, probably the one that never called you back again and gave you a fake number. Or maybe she let you hit it again but that was it. But it is in their upbringing, because of this brainwash society has placed. When a woman has sex, it is stuck somewhere in her head that you are then expected to start a relationship with that person. Probably because you are already breaking the "moral code" that you are supposed to be with that person before you get your jollies off, but hey, close enough. Guys get freaked easily, which is funny, you figure by now most of us would expect the woman to be calling more, wanting to hang out more, and not just for sex; for cute things like dinner and spooning while watching romantic comedies- that is enough to freak anyone out. I love dinner and I love spooning and I hate romatic comedies, but I'll admit, I have had sex before under the pretenses that is was JUST SEX, and we weren't trying to be perfect couple #1 after that. So of course we look like douchebags, making up excuses, or hanging out with our guy friends too much, or suddenly becoming sick (who hasn't used that to get out of something?!) I swear I have a conclusive point here. If we all just expected sex to be sex, and relationships to form IF both parties are interested and it is something viable, then sex would be a lot easier, for everyone. I'm not saying everyone would be having sex everywhere, but people wouldn't be holding back because they know they will be attached and don't want gossip to get out that so and so fucked so and so after knowing him or her for 9 hours, SO WHAT, IT DOES HAPPEN. Believe it or not, people have sex just to have sex, and are okay with that.

Realize I am just pointing out my opinion here, I learned a lot about sex throughout college and was a teaching assistant for a 500 person class called "human sexuality". I know way too much about sex organs and sex and the history of sex and all that, it comes in handy though when I throw out random facts and people all go "ooooh, really?" That's my satisfaction. I am posting this for a few reasons, hopefully some people will actually take the time to read it, gather their own opinion (hopefully one is already formed and waiting to come out) and an INTELLECTUAL response can be posted beneath. Love me or hate me for this, I just think the United States would be more relaxed if we spent less time worrying about are we being slutty by having sex and more time worrying about who is going to get me off the best; things like that. I'm not looking for tons of random sex, believe me, I have always been the relationship type; I am just sick of hearing from both male and female friends of mine about how so and so wouldn't give them any or how so and so won't call them back. We are fighting a losing battle here people, we just need to recognize the roots and strike back.

The waiting game.

2006-04-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

More than a few of you have written to me, asking this question- bout time I addressed it.
It goes something like this
"Dane, men want sex the first night. I want to wait. How long should I wait? Why do we wait?" etc. You get the idea.

Here goes.

Women wait because they have grown to know most men mostly want one thing. And once they get it, they are done with you. Am I wrong, or has this not been pounded into your skulls time and time again? Then there's the whole concern about being called a slut, which I cannot stand!!! That, will be a separate, rehashed blog, written way back when. Cliff notes version: I hate the world slut, whore (unless you get paid for sexual favors) and I do not think it is wrong to enjoy sex without having a serious relationship with that person. So there you have it.

Here's my problem with women wanting to wait. If everything else is going right, and you both want sex (it's a given the blood is flowing for him), what is the point of waiting? Because you want to see if he has what it takes? Bad idea, let me explain. If you have sex the first night, and he never talks to you again, well shit, fuck him. He's a bastard, go have women's night out and bitch and say you're becoming a lesbian, and then make out with the next hot guy that talks to you when you are wasted. You saw it coming, you expected him to be a douchebag, he fulfilled the prophecy, it is done. No tears shed, you might just have a little limp for a day or two if he was any good. No real harm, no real foul. At least you didn't start to LIKE THE GUY FIRST (note: Foreshadowing). Now say, for example, you make the guy wait like 5 dates, or two weeks. So you keep going out, not having sex, he gets blue balls and complains, but he seems nice enough; he keeps calling. Ooh, maybe he is a good guy after all- I mean we haven't had sex, and he is still around. Hmm... cue female emotions. Ooh I think I like him, maybe we'll start doing cute things like shop together and I'll invite him over to watch my favorite show or movie. If he goes through that, he deserves this vag.
How wrong you are. What you are underestimating, is how far a guy will go to get some warm apple pie. We will go through Hell and back, if it means we are getting laid. You really have no idea, it's almost sad. I've seen guys so drunk they can't even force each eye to look in the same direction- they get a booty call, and somehow find a way to straighten themselves out enough to try and get some ass. We could be shot in the liver, waiting for a transplant at the hospital and clinging onto life- but if a hot nurse walks by and motions her finger like she wants to suck around the gaping wound- we will be fine for a half hour, believe me. Point is, just like you women can play your games of charades, we men can play along, and give you what you want. It doesn't mean we don't want you for sex, and it doesn't mean we will continue to call, but you have decided so in your minds, and that's where the trouble happens. So you wait two weeks, and then you have sex. He doesn't call the next day... or the day after. He stops IMing you as frequently, and you get nervous. But wait, I just started to like this guy! Not him too!

yep. And look at the only difference. Now you're in too deep. You started thinking about what song to play at the wedding for your first and last dance. You thought about what a great homemaker he would be, how much you would love to see him smile after you finish cleaning because you want to be a traditional wife, just for him. And look, you're in the exact same spot you could have been two weeks earlier, but then it wouldn't have been "making love", it would have been sex.

Point is, over 50% of men admitted they would have sex with a woman as soon as she was willing. We like sex, we LOVE sex, and we will have sex when it is presented to us. We are absolutely crazy and testosterone owns our souls. On the flipside, a lot of women also enjoy sex and want to have it but are afraid to rush into things and feel cheap, dirty, or both. That and you all just enjoy playing mind games and trying to make us jump through the hoops. But in situation A, where you have sex after the first date or two, and then he's a douchebag... you aren't hurt. Situation B, we jumped through your hoops, we played along, we sat, rolled over, and definitely, DEFINITELY, begged. And two weeks into it, your heart is broken again. Here comes the ice cream, self loathing, mini depression, and hissing at boys that pass by and look at you twice.

Am I advising you sleep with every guy that takes you out right away to avoid emotional turmoil?

in a word, yes.

just kidding, but hey, the way I present the situation- it almost makes you wonder... doesn't it?

Maybe this latin on my body is making me think...

2006-04-06T22:06:00.000-04:00

Imagine life back in the day.

I mean, back, back, way back in the day. Roman times. Things seemend more simple- more fun. It was about eating slabs of meat fresh off the bone, murdering and getting away with it (gladiators.. I'll get to this) and lots of sex. I can think of two things cooler.

I'm lying, nothing is cooler.
Not that I lived in that age, but hey, I watched Rome at least once! And there was a scene, with Cleopatra, where her secretary (see: slave) called in a strapping young man. After a quick introduction, the secretary says, and I quote "the Queen requests that you enter her now".

YO!.......damn.. word? Is that for real? Were these frequently used phrases? Did I miss out on the golden age of dirty talking that sounds sophisticated? Or are the British still engaging in that? Either way, wow. If at some point in my life, a secretary says that to me, I can die a happy man. Of course, in my fantasy, the secretary joins. But hey, we can't all have our cake and eat it too. I hate that saying, whomever came up with that should be shot, at least with a taser.

Onward.

Prisoners = gladiators. What a smart fucking idea. Why waste billions of money feeding these scumbags that we are putting to death anyway. I'm not talking about your run of the mill convict that is in for a little robbery or selling coke to an infant- I'm talking about the scum of the scum. The serial rapists, the serial murderers, those on death row with no hope of coming off. What is the fucking point of keeping these people alive, to kill them??? HONESTLY- cruel and unusual punishment my ass, look what these sacks of shit did to get in there. And yet we continue to waste, and yes I mean waste, taxpayer money on keeping these shitheads fed, clothed, and with some form of interaction and entertainment before ultimately, we still kill them. Because it's humane?? My God. In my perfect world, we bring back gladiators. You think those twisted fucks wouldn't love to fight to the death, for pure entertainment? Think about how much those colliseums filled up, tens of hundreds of thousands? All to watch prisoners fight tooth and nail to survive to fight another day. That was it! How simple, how entertaining, how genius. Save money, in fact, make money by charging! Less crowded jails, speedier death row. It's a beautiful thing. Stupid human rights. Shouldn't there be a time when those are stripped? Maybe I'm crazy, but I bet there are at least 3 of you out there that agree with me.

Men were men back then. Try hanging out with a blowout or a shelf full of products, you would wind up with a sword in your spleen. Man the fuck up, go kill something with your hands and eat it raw. Go please your woman and keep her happy. Go fight in a couple wars and come back with only one scar. Must have been tough to be an alpha male back then, with everyone being so full of testosterone. Women, I bet you miss that too.

Elders were actually the wise ones, not the senile ones. Then again, to be old was to be like 40, but still, it's the idea that counts. The older people were highly respected, not quickly taken advantage of.

Drinking was done as a group- everyone was happy and bar fights were just because everyone wanted to wrestle.

Whore houses were heralded as a great place to meet a good woman for a night.

Life was about furthering the community, not the self. What an unselfish, very naked time. Amen.

Male friends, female friends.

2006-04-05T21:00:00.000-04:00

There is a HUGE, HUGE difference, between men and their friends, and women and their friends, in a dating environment. The main difference, of course, is that women friends are always (always always always) cock blocks. Without fail. Male friends, however, are vagina promoters. Please note this is obviously purely a heterosexual based post. Back to the story.

Women in groups. There is always one friend that wants to leave. Why? Cause one thought she could drink more than any other man (she was wrong). Or one finally realized she is the ugly one, and no guy is trying to play with her boobies, beer goggles and all. Or, one has a boyfriend and you don't really know why you take her out anyway, cause she just keeps you from getting laid. But there are always reasons. One might be in a certain mood, where she hates all men and only agreed to hang out so she could plot the death of the penis, and now she is content. The point is, no matter what the situation, there is always one loser, one enormous cockblock, one girl from the group, keeping everyone from getting their dicks wet.

Just one you say? That's why God made cloroform! Sadly, no. And the worst part of it all is, even if there are 17 of them, they all packed into one car. Why? When one wants to leave, they all leave. It's almost like a failsafe women have in place, so they know they won't make a dumb mistake if they get too drunk. Damn you women, damn you.

On the flipside, there is the group of men. Each one wants to get some, which leads to some natural competition. The most obvious, is when the females are either uninterested, not drunk enough, or undecided themselves. When that happens, it becomes a match- survival of the fittest. You think I have never spent a night drinking until 5AM to see which guy calls it quits? One down, three to go. My odds just increased greatly. It's funny to watch, as an outsider. On the inside, terrible, constant pressure.
-Okay, what to say now, what do I drink?
-Am I drunk?
-Is she drunk?
-Did that one just rub her thighs and wink at me?
-Oh shit I can see her titty right through that shirt!
-I just saw Justin yawn- he must be close
-Damnit Larry stop talking to her, that was the one I wanted!
-Johnny is way too drunk to get laid, that narrows it down.

Funny internal dialogues, let me tell you. If only we could get a microphone inside the male brain for these interactions, it would be priceless. Luckily, being a male, I can get you there. And ladies, I'm sure you see it, and laugh amongst yourselves the next day. Especially when you aren't interested at all and just staying up because you're drunk and love leading guys on.
-OMG Becky did you see the one that kept passing out but waking up and trying to cuddle with me? AS IF!
- TOTALLY! I kinda wanted Billy but he got too drunk and went home to masturbate, it's a shame.

And I'm sure other things related to that are also said. But the point is, we have two very different schools of thought here. That last situation applies normally when there are less females than there are men, which does tend to twindle as the night goes on. If there are even numbers, or even more, it is occasional that dibs might be called, and males will incessantly egg others on, and give pounds (dap) behind women's backs each time something good happens, or is going to happen. It's just the way we are. And I guess it's just the way you are.

But honestly, can you chill with the unnecessary cockblocking? It is the reason we men hate going alone to hang out with a group of you, when we are only interested in one. It is the reason we always try to even things out of the group environment is necessary, and it's also the reason we love to hang out one on one.

The idea is, men love to play wingman. We will go out of our way, just to help out a friend. We will take a bullet (see, paper bag, butter face, chunky monkey) in order to make you happy. Cause in the end, we know we will wind up calling on you, for the same thing, at a later date. And if you happen to say no, we will kindly remind you of waking up in sheer terror at the sight of that thing next to us with makeup removed and hair extensions taken out.
Women on the other hand, don't always believe in taking a bullet. Why? Because you are all inherently bitchy and hate to think that you had to "settle". TRUE

He finally gets it done!

2006-04-03T20:38:00.000-04:00

Unless you are blind, you can see below, the tattoos are completed. And if you are blind, how can you read this anyway? Do they have braille translations available for webpages? Just touch the screen, that would be hot. Not sure how it would work for porn sites... there is always that occasional farm porn popup. (gives a whole new meaning to 'hung like a horse')

anyway, it hurt, go figure. The back wasn't too terrible, even though he went from shoulder blade, to across my spine, to the other shoulder blade. That is still kinda sore.

The triceps though? God damn. Who decided there should be sensitive tissue and nerve endings there!?! Sure as hell wasn't me. Took about an hour and a little, it's exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it. The guy was professional and did a great job, and I had some laughs inbetween.

Things that went on while I was there- two 40+ went in to get pierced. Where, not completely sure, but they had to shut the door. Then she kinda groped him as she was leaving. I'm scared.

Then, two 14 year olds come in with one of their mothers. One wanted her belly button pierced. Great gift mom. Maybe on the way home, you can sign her up for fellatio classes and teach her how to talk dirty to a guy. Why not just throw in the pull-out instructions while you're at it! CHRIST

Anywho, I got did. Finally. And in a few weeks, it will look way better than it does now. How do you sleep on your stomach?

2006-04-03T20:37:00.002-04:00

other side

2006-04-03T20:37:00.001-04:00

closeup

2006-04-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

I get my first (and second, and third?) tattoo.

Online Dating. This should be interesting.

2006-04-03T00:31:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: I do not condone dating because of the internet. But let's be serious people.

Okay, so we all hear this about every day. People talking about meeting others from the internet, and how WEIRD that must be. So I got to thinking. Doesn't everyone use the internet these days? Where ARE we supposed to meet people? These sorts of questions come up when I think about this.

Sites like fucking Match.com making you PAY MONEY so they can MATCH YOU UP with people, that's twisted. Are they the pimps? Does that make you a John? Do I really want to tell my kids that I paid $40 and this computer spit out your mother?

Then I think about where I should meet someone. Obviously the thing that comes to mind is the bar. Okay great, so I'm going to go talk to some good looking woman who has already had 4 drinks in her, screaming so she can hear me, crowded, her friends all trying to do nothing but cock block me for more reasons than need to be discussed; and will I be proud when my kids ask where I met their mother at? "Yes kids, your mother was slamming back tequila shots, puked on the bar, then decided she wanted to slob my knob. 2 weeks of unprotected sex later, you little mistakes were formed!" (assuming they are twins, of course)

So why is the internet meeting deal so taboo? Is it because we automatically associate computers with dorks, weirdos, freaks? Those people aren't looking to meet anyone but other fans of Star Wars and D&D. Is it true only geeks use the internet? Am I missing something here? Valid points- you do not know the person over the internet, they are only typing words to you, it can all be a bunch of bullshit, and you just don't know. Plus, there is the famous shirt, that says "you looked better on myspace". That is to be addressed later. What is the proper way to meet someone? Because anywhere such as the bar, etc- you are meeting them from the outside, in. You are attracted due to appearance or the fact she looks drunk enough to sleep with you. One or both. Is that the way to do things? You know less than nothing about the person. You know they drink, probably often if you meet them at this bar Monday at 3pm. You probably don't know if he or she speaks English or can walk straight, depending on the state you meet this person at. Another common objection is, he or she could be some rapist or murderer. Right, since those same people never go to bars?

I don't know. I'm not saying I'm looking for love online. But to be honest, once you are out of college, single, and working full time, you don't have the same liberties you used to. I can't go get drunk on a Thursday night and try to find some slizzy to make out with. It just doesn't work that way. And with my schedule, I don't even have my Friday nights anymore. Where do I turn? The gym? Please, most of the women there are 40+ and NEED to be there. I would feel strange approaching a female at the gym. You know even less about them, except they like fitness (HUGE FUCKING PLUS) but chances are they have a boyfriend, or will tell you they do because you are a sweaty mess and women don't sweat- they glow.

What are my other options? Let's review. I live in fucking CONNECTICUT. Houses still sit on property around here, I can't reach out the window and high five my neighbor. There isn't much to do, or many places to go. Women also tend to be bitchy in these here parts, maybe I'm picky- but shit, you saw what I'm looking for. Never realized that was too much to ask for. Bars are boring or overpacked, I work and then I workout- my life exists at night, after 9pm, and I'm usually on the computer. And not just to appease you, the fans.

I guess the real question is, when is it going to become normal? There seems to be a trend, especially with Myspace being so popular, of others meeting after talking on the internet, more and more, day by day, by day by day. I was going to take that random and short movie line in another direction but I'll leave it alone, I already lost half of you.

Point is, everyone uses the internet. From the weird to the normal, believe it or not. Not everyone is out looking for love, but if you can find someone that matches your interests, why not bullshit with the person? See what they have to offer. Maybe it's a job, maybe they become a good friend. Maybe you find someone into some random shit you love like skydiving or tattoos and you have a new hetero life partner. Or maybe you find a great mate and you live happily ever after. When is it going to change? When bars first came out, was it weird to meet people from a bar? What about book stores? Wasn't that big before I was born? Let's do that again.

Oh, like promised. The whole "looking better on myspace" thing. Anyone can look good in a few pictures, it's just the truth. Cross eyed people can be staring off to the side. Fatties will just show their boobs, nothing below. Weird loners will just snag pictures with groups of people they don't know. Point is, everyone probably looks better in a few pictures. That's why all my pictures are of my looking like a re-re. Because it can only get better from there, people. And stop being so fucking shallow with everyone else. Maybe she has a heart of gold, it isn't her fault she is a great golfer (huge ass).

REAL Reality TV...

2006-03-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

BY PATRICK REICHE

Have any of you ever imagined what would cartoons be like if they dealt with real issues. And I'm not talking about the "Untouchables" like Family Guy, South Park, or even The Simpsons. I'm talking about our favorite shows from when we were young.

Can you just imagine if Pooh Bear was addicted to heroin and decided to lay in wait for Christopher Robin, just so he could split his head open with a hatchet and steal his money. Or maybe if the Ninja Turtles were all potheads, then the world would just be screwed cause the Shredder would wreak everything in sight.

I mean, I think that my youth would have seriously been tainted had cartoons been as messed up as the crap reality shows that we have now. The closest thing that my Saturday mornings got to dealing with reality was when Jesse Spanno became addicted to diet pills or when Kelly was dating the celebrity who smoked pot. NEVER did I think that anything was wrong with this, because I wasn't shown that side of reality. I really don't know whether or not it was a good thing that I wasn't exposed to these things, but I do know that if I had seen the Justice League hooked on OC's and itching their noses all the time that there would be no Earth left to defend.

You'll rue the day you snorted meth, Batman....

Who are we?

2006-03-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

In light of my partner's posting (and I mean that in a purely homosexual way), I've decided to wax philosophical myself. It's been something that I've been working through in my head for quite some time, that being the idea of self.

What is self? What is a person? Is there such a thing as an individual?

Now, you're going to have to bear with me on this one because I am most likely going to bounce around and jump from point to point as the thoughts come to me.

Do you ever wonder why it is that you get along with the people that you do. I do. I mean so many people go on and on about how they don't like people that are "fake". Let's think about that. Who isn't fake? Or not so much fake, just not the single-minded person that they claim to be. When we are growing up, aren't we taking in everything that surrounds us? T.V., movies, our families all contribute to the person that we grow into. If you think that a joke is funny and you laugh about it, doesn't that contribute to who you are. I mean if you write a funny story 10 years after you hear that joke, some small part of that may work its way into your story. While it isn't like you're ripping the joke off, it did affect you and possibly influence your sense of humor just enough to let you think of something witty. This isn't a bad thing. More than likely the same exact thing happened to the person who was telling the original joke 10 years earlier.

This works for everything that we see, hear and feel. As people, we tend to feel better when in the company of others and it make sense if we got along with those same people. The more time we spend with those people the more experiences that we share and therefore have things to build off. I think of some crazy things I did in college with my friends and remember laughing my ass off at times. I have NO CLUE what we were laughing about, but I do know that it contributed to us getting along better and sharing some good ass memories. If you think of every person as a bubble, it makes more sense. When you share a memory with someone it's like the bubbles are overlapping. It may just be a small percentage of the bubble, but there is no breaking that bond. All these experiences just continue to overlap and overlap until the original bubble isn't even visable anymore. That doesn't mean that we are any less ourselves, just that without other people, there can be no "self" to begin with.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I know I'm not done thinking about it.....or "we're" done thinking about it.....yeah.....I'm done

Allow me to explain.

2006-03-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

If you know me, at all, you should know by now- I am a sucker for a pretty girl. I'll let you in on a few more secrets.

1) I wear my heart on my sleeve- not sure why. And it's not that I fall in love easily, believe me. But I do fall in like pretty easily. Hey we all get lonely sometimes, maybe it has just been so long since I was in a fun, meaningful relationship, that I never really stop searching. Or because I am such a random complex person, I can find ways to relate to practically anyone, and that interests me more. I'm not exactly sure, and I'm not exactly happy, but that is my life. And I will probably continue to live that way for a while.
2) I just put in my transfer request. That's right people, I'm upp'n out of Connecticut as soon as humanly possible. As wonderful and beautiful as this shithole stuckup state may be, Boston is calling. Just know I will never, ever, ever, be a Sawks fan. Eff that ish. Patriots, sure, I love you, even if you have no team anymore, but baseball season I'll just have to hibernate. It's a necessary change in my life. With my true friends, from college, in a fun place, where I need to be to further myself as a person. Boston has things to do, lots of people to network with, and is probably a much better place for me to be mentally. Especially when I am trying to hunker down and keep this blog thing growing, and work on a book at the same time. I need the proper support, and environment to get that all done. This just isn't the place.
3) Back to women. I realized I am probably the best ever at two week relationships. I mean, honestly, I might be the King of them, assuming one could be born into such royalty (thanks Dad!) Maybe we can stretch it out a month.... but probably not. After that it normally crumbles like an oreo left in the milk for too long. WHY? If I knew, I would probably fix that. It just seems like everyone I wind up being with, is at a different stage in their life, and it just won't work in the short term. In the long term, everyone is after the same basic things, or at least you hope... but the short term is what makes the difference. Maybe it all could be, that the perfect woman for me, just happens to be overseas.....and I am subconsciously sabotaging each sad excuse for a relationship I jump into, so that she becomes my one, my best choice. Who knows, whooooo knows. Do I believe certain people are meant for eachother, do I think certain people compliment eachother so well, that it's as if they should only be with one another? Yes. Do I believe in fate? No, ew. If I believed in fate, that would be like saying everything I have ever accomplished in life has been predetermined. Gross, who wants that? I'm no puppet, damnit. I guess I'm picky. I eat well, I love all types of food, I am big into exercise and health (minus the whole binge drinking on the weekends, but hey, shutup!) I like to joke around, be sarcastic as much as possible. I live a simple life, but it's a satisfying life.

Man, look at this sappy shit. Slap me, someone. I sound way too sad. Trust me, I might be the happiest, most optomistic person you have ever met. I just want to explain why I say some harsh things sometimes about women. I don't even get hurt, I almost expect it to happen. But it doesn't mean I can't be bitter and shove it back in someone's face when it happens, know what I mean?

Guest post, from an angry female.

2006-03-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

I don't need to hog all the spotlight here people. I received a very evil, angry message, not directed at me, about men and their current trends in fashion. So much so, rather than try to post about it on my own, I am letting her become my

drumroll please

FIRST GUEST POST- wahoooooooooooooooooo
champagne and confetti everywhere.
==========================================================

I really think we need to find a way to wipe out all the guido's on this planet!
I went out last night and as i was waiting to get in (not on line of course.. haha) there were these two.. well.. GUIDO'S in front of me. With the orange tan, armani exchange shirts, and Sonic hair-do's. How do they see themselves the least bit presentable? Their clones eventually came (some shorter, some skinnier, fatter, some balding - yet STILL managed that Sonic do, and some with different armani logo's) and it took me a minute to take it all in b/c i never thought i would ever see the worst of them. Under the light, it looked as if they dusted their houses with their hair and one even had this white fuzz-thing going on on his ear from the excessive use of hairspray! DIIIIIIIIISGUSTING!!!
I almost don't mind the mullet/mohawk do's that are all over europe compared to these guys! It's a damn shame!
So I guess my question is.. why would anybody EVER want that guido look? It was played out 10 years ago and do they even know how badly they're made fun of? In fact, I don't even remember when it was cool.. i guess i'm too young! Which is my point exactly.. There's a whole site dedicated to them! (i forgot the name of it)
Ooohh Dane, this all comes down to what you hate most.. people trying sooo hard to fit in when we're born to stand out!
My favorite also are the "True Life: I'm on Steroids" guys. That same night there was this 4'2" juiced up armani shirt-wearing faggot that was hopping around flexing his arms and doing some sort of chicken dance! He thought he was soooooo cool! If I had the chance to tell him he wasn't.. ohh i would have!
Can you think of a way to wipe them out? Maybe posting that site everywhere will do the trick? OHH!! I think we should tar and feather them.. haha

Nice talking to you.
Mindy

P.S. i could have mentioned the idiotic girls out there.. but i really need to go to bed!
=========================================

Of course I need to add my own thoughts.
#1- this ends "Nice talking to you." Kinda funny if you think about it, since it wasn't a conversation, it really was just, her, talking, to me.
#2- short guys with muscles. First off, it is easier to build muscle mass with a shorter physique. Plus, those poor bastards have to make up for being vertically challenged somehow- their whole lives they spend in a veritable Napoleon-like state, it's an evil, bitter world. Women over 5'7" will probably continue to pass on by, and that just happens to be the more beautiful women in this world. So I can't blame them for trying to attract attention, whether it be with muscles, or belligerance.
-note: the same can be said of men balding in their 20s. They don't want to accept it for the most part, and those who opt not to just shave it off, need to attract attention away from their thinning hair and receding hairline. Na'mean?
#3 I blame some of you ladies for this guido thing. It's amazing how many of you are into that Gotti bullshit- those fucking guys are as smart as a rock on dope. They have inherited money, super, they will be broke in their 40s. And the fucking hair, my fucking god, you must be fucking kidding me. They take longer to get ready than you do, they look like fucking dolls- how much makeup do you honestly think they wear? Case in point, men will dress this way only because some women are really, really, into it. And it makes me want to vomit.

Thank you.

Horrible excuses for hip hop.

2006-03-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, in New Haven, was the best hip hop show I think I could ever see. Jean Grae, Pharoahe Monch, Mos Def & Talib Kweli (with a random guest appearance from M.O.P, not sure how that fit in, but whatever, that one song made the whole place shake). I have realized since then, that good, real hip hop, is dying, is close to dead. All this bullshit you hear on the radio, see on those joke stations MTV1-37, is a bunch of crap. Mainstream, pop bullshit that sell-out artists are making because the average 15 year old white kid will buy it. For example, Eminem used to be a great great rapper. He had dope rhymes, the beats were new and unheard, and he didn't try to sing like a bitch. Then he realized to market himself, he had to sell out. And he did. Same for most rappers. What happened to Snoop Dogg? He used to be hard, a gangsta, he was amazing. His flow to die for. Then he joined No Limit and christ, the rest is history. 50 cent is quickly turning that route. What the fuck is that song "Best Friend" all about? What a bitch! Seriously. Listen to his old, grimey raps. Listen to "How To Rob", his first popular song. He is already a sell out, I don't know who I'm kidding. The only thing keeping him real, at all, is Young Buck, who happens to have the best flow and voice of the group.

I guess my problem is that I'm running out of music to listen to. I started loving this after seeing WuTang in concert with Rage Against the Machine. From there, I was a hip hop head. I went out and bought Biggie and Tupac right away, and fell in love. Granted, there are higher reasons I can no longer count on them (even if a mixtape comes out every 12 days) but there was hope. There was De La Soul, and Pharcyde. Eric B and Rakim. They were all before my time, but they are timeless. Then came the new school, the aforementioned Blackstar, and the "underground" artists. These guys are well known, but not mainstream, so they will never be as popular as these bullshit artists like the Ying Yang Twins. Real hip hop, the Roots, who put on one of the best live shows I've ever seen. Jurassic 5, same to them. Most people on the east coast don't even know who they are. And it's sad. To see people driving around in their 95 Civics with 19 inch rims and a bumble bee exhaust, pumping the bass heavy dirty south terrible excuse for even a rhyme music. That shit makes me sick. Wake the fuck up, enjoy that which is good, for that is no good. If you are dying for good hip hop, I do my research, I know a thing or two, and I jump at any chance I can to find a new album by these guys. Because the bullshit comin out these days, is killing any hope of hip hop ever being big. And it's sad.

Follow up, senor.

2006-03-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

I couldn't post at 2am because I was, as I was afraid of, passed out drunk on my couch. Yes, I am officially an old man as well. It's not that I can't hang, I haven't lost that ability, as San Diego proved well, it's my schedule in life. Working on Saturday from 8-5 kills me. Straight up. I want nothing to do but go home and go to sleep, unfortunately, not always a good option.
Let's take lastnight.
There is a good friend, an old friend, visiting back from his college in Arizona. So, naturally, that means we are going to drink ourselves stupid. The other bright side is that he is as much of a video game nerd as I am, so we get to play video games, drink, and be nerds, drunk. This also means we have to overstock booze, invite absolutely zero girls over, and bust out our ninja skills, on the big screen.
Another problem is, I started to get tired at like 10pm. Yes, I am now a grandpa. I will start rising at dawn and eating dinner at three.
For those of you that are compulsive away message checkers, there were 1 of 2 options for 2am lastnight. One was that I was totally rocking out and being famous and ladies were going to be hanging off of me and man, it would be hot. The other option was that I passed out on my couch drunk and my friends leave me and I wake up at 5 and there are some weird cartoons on and I check my pants to make sure I didn't piss myself and, good, I didn't. That I call option b. Saturday nights are normally option b.

But alas, let's start the show.
Immigrants, refusing to conform. Much more commonplace these days. Think back to everything you learned about Ellis Island. Though many ethnicities would congregate in order to feel safe, more at home, they were almost desperate to learn English. You do not see the same urgency these days, because we almost do not require it the same. Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of non-English speakers coming to this country each day that want nothing more than to learn the language and "live the dream". But with that, there are also plenty that will not learn the language because they just don't think they have to, or they are beyond an age where they feel like they would be able to learn a language, or they just straight up hate crackers. And we cannot necessarily blame them. Though things have tightened up since 9/11, people are still finding ways to flock to our country in the masses, more illegally than legally. And those who come here illegally are not always here to stay. Some have a noble cause, to make some money to send back to their poor families, and then bounce back to Central America and live like kings for a while. Others will wind up staying, but have their barrio to make them feel comfortable not knowing the language, because few if any surrounding them will know it as well. The other thing here is that we as a country have made so many things multilingual that it is easier for them to access whatever they want in their native tongue. Think about it, every time you call a big company, there is the option to OPRIMA EL NUMERO DOS. Working for car insurance, if someone wants to speak to me in Mandarin, I dial a number and hit 2. I even have people call me up, speak to me in perfect English, but if they want to yell at me for something, will ask for a Spanish translator, because they can yell way faster and louder. I forget if I had a point anymore. Anywho, just my thoughts....

Dane Vs. The Pizza Shop

2006-03-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The combination of Dane, drinks and pizza places may be hazardous to your health!

By now you've heard of some of the antics of my fellow Blogger involving his Karate and a certain carnation. What you didn't hear was that this was all caused by his body's intolerance to pizza places.

As if this stabbing of my friend with some foliage wasn't enough, our friend "Official Dynasty" managed to gain the attention of the entire pizza shop. His antics with Larry aside, Dane had quite the night (Granted he drank enough Tuaca to kill a small horse). After blinding Larry he decided to loudly enjoy his accomplishments which only helped to enrage Larry to the point where I had to restrain him from hurting Dane (or at least attempting to do so).

Thinking that he'd be better off avoiding Larry he decided to go visit with some other patrons of the pizza parlor. While he did not know these people, he quickly befriended them being the gregarious person that he is and no one thought anything of it. That is until about 4 minutes later when I looked over at another booth and Dane was curled up in the fetal postion with some more patrons that he did not know. It just so happened that this action concerned the patrons who began prodding Dane with a straw. Thinking that I should intervein, I wandered over to them and assured them that he was in fact alive and that I would take care of him.....at some point. This seemed to satisfy my newly-made friends and I left to go talk with some other late night snackers.

Approximately 30 minutes later I was forced to drag an uncooperative Dane a half mile down the road into a car. Under ideal conditions (mainly a sober Dane) this would have taken approximately 3 minutes, post-pizza Dane stretched this out to the lovely time of 25 minutes. Now, everything else was a blur of Chuck Norris quotes and Jack Bauer-isms that will go unmentioned. But, if you take anything away from this story, let it be this. DO NOT TAKE DANE TO ANYPLACE WHERE YOU THINK PIZZA WILL BE SERVED!!!

post script....no Jager shots were harmed during the span of this story.

My life, the soap opera

2006-03-23T08:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could recreate my life as a soap opera. Even the mundane tasks such as driving to work (I do sign in the car, that would be entertaining). Of course, a large breasted beautiful Latina woman would get to fill the role of myself. And seeing as I am topless most of the time, she will just have to get used to the character. That is the core of acting, to become that which you portray. That and she would have to have a ton of pillow fights/jello wrestling/basically, any excuse for her to be giggling and playing with another woman in a sensual situation.

That, and I would go out of my way to get Bumble Bee Man from the Simpsons. He is pure gold, baby.

I think I would call it "Danes of our Lives" Because, at least 2 of you think that's funny. And for the 300 others confused right now, it's okay. I told you huffing glue would catch up to you someday. Now wipe that drool off your chin.

There also would have to be a lot of gun fights. I, of course, do not need a gun, for I am ninja. But to stealthily kill everyone would take me like .2 seconds and that doesn't make for great tv. That, and the recoil on the gun would make my Latina breasts bounce.

Speaking of ninja, I must warn you people, all this talk about Chuck Norris is going to cause a war. Apparently, drunk in San Diego, we wouldn't stop talking about Chuck Norris. It's true, of course, that the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris nightly before bed. I wouldn't blame him. So my friend bought a carnation because he is into low-budget roses that semi-bums will attempt to peddle when they see drunk people stumbling and attempting to get ass, while most likely they will end up in a pool of their own [fill in appropriate bodily fluid] So my buddy, he buys this overpriced weed and is trying to give it to a girl. But no, Chuck Norris wouldn't let someone be so ghetto, or so lame. I was one with Mr Norris, he spoke to me through God. I struck down upon that flower with the most accurate, fastest judo chop one has ever seen (though it was merely a blur to the naked eye). And let me tell you, that flower turned bitch and split like wet pine. I then proceeded to snag the sharpened stem out of the air and stab my other friend in the dome with it. Point is, Chuck Norris causes weapons of mass destruction, be careful with your overly liberal use of his name in attempts at humor. Because kids, no one that loses an eye, is laughing with you.

Sex.

2006-03-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

18+ :)
haha, really though, this could get graphic, so bring your adult and quit giggling at the word penis and vagina.

By request, what I think makes good sex.
And misconceptions of good sex, and all things sexual. Including kissing.

ALWAYS start with kissing. Hot, passionate kissing. There is a fine line however. Make sure you are not swallowing the other person's face, or using a little too much tongue action. Guys (and unfortunately, some girls) be sure you aren't scraping up your lover's face too much with your stubble. 10 minutes of kissing with no attacking the genitals should be ideal. Get the ideas and juices flowing.

I'll proceed to attacking the oral sex, the whole foreplay thing can be skipped because it is not always necessary. Feel eachother out. If she likes a little tickling and teasing (which they all do, throw some in before jumping into anything else. Remember the old cliche, it really is about warming the oven up. And trust me, you'll know when she hits 400 degrees). And ladies, sometimes the guy wants a little teasing too, we aren't always just wanting to throw it in. Both men and women are normally clueless about what it takes. And oral is not necessary every time. Sometimes there are time constraints. Other times you are both so god damn riled up from whatever that it is warranted to tear clothes off and go at it before you even hit a bed. But alas.....

Ladies- it is not a popsicle. I don't care what you've heard, licking around it does absolutely nothing. N O T H I N G. Let me drop some knowledge. The most nerve endings are located in the bulbous head at the top there. So, use those brains, and some deduction, and figure out what the best spot to attack is. And do not forget, you have hands to assist, and boy, can they assist. Most men will twitch a little if you put your hand anywhere near their ass, mostly because if we aren't comfortable with that we get a creepy scary thought of something gay, so we twitch. But these same guys will have no problem with you and a little ball fondling, believe me. That makes for great dome.

Now men, do you even perform oral sex? It seems to be a lost art. I personally have a crush on it, but I've heard time and time again that guys are either not into it or rarely will attempt a little carpet cleaning. BAD IDEA. My only question, women, is why do you NOT like it? I've heard from more than a few that they do not like it when a guy does that, or it does nothing to them. First off, get rid of your damn insecurities. You have a wonderful vagina and it tastes like candy, okay? Secondly, find a guy who knows what the hell he is doing. If that isn't an option, help him around a little. Tell him where you like it best, and how you want it done. Sometimes we are just a lost as you are without directions. Do it until your tongue hurts or she is begging for a little penetration. Speaking of, throw a finger in, why not, it's only going to help you in the long run, because chances are you keep missing her clitoris by a 1/3 inch and she wants to punch you anyway. Keep it up, she will thank you for it right after. And seriously, stop the alphabet thing, or focusing on just one spot. You do not want that thing sore before you even get to do more. That rhymes. Write it down.

NOW, sex. Mmmmm. There is a time and place for a hot quickie, and you will know, because she will more or less tell you. And if you can't pick up on visual or auditory clues, and you aren't blind or deaf, you should probably stop having sex, forever.
Ideal time? Depends on the situation. Can be as little as twenty minutes, or as long as 45, an hour if warranted. Slow passionate love making has it's time and place, but getting rough and speeding up will help move things along when she's about to burst. Try me. Though ladies, unfortunately, making him go faster will also make him GO faster, know what I mean? Some guys unfortunately think missionary is best, and will continue in only that position. Sigh. Ladies, stop moaning, slap him, tell him to flip you over already! Hint fellas, it's not that great, unless you do it right. In that position, your penis is entering at a terrible angle and missing her clitoris. Remember, that thing is key to her wanting you again. What to do, you ask? Grab a pillow, put it under her hips. Even a hand under the ass and lifting it up can make a world of difference. Again, don't believe me? Try it, you'll HEAR a difference.

Which positions are best? For a guy, doggystyle is normally refreshing after the usual missionary. Just so happens men, it makes you feel better to the ladies as well. So doggy away, but do not neglect her, as it is the least personal position that there can be. And she doesn't like that, because she probably wants to kiss you, or grab you, or at least look at you and make sure you are enjoying it. So give a little reach around, lean down and kiss her back, tell her shes beautiful and how great it feels. Watch the hair tugging, don't want to hurt her! A little tug is okay but make sure she's into it or you might wind up with blue balls. And try something fun out, have her put her legs together. Again, you will notice a difference.

And when she's on top, let her do the work, at least for a little while. Two reasons
1) she knows what she is doing, better than you, and will work it to her advantage. So let her, stop trying to thrust like a moron, cause it won't work with her hip motions.
2) you're probably wheezing as it is, it is kinda like a break so you can store up some of that energy for when she gets off and is bored but wants more and in a new position.

Speaking of positions, try to mix it up. Please don't only have missionary, doggy, and her on top as your repertoire. Sure, most of you are done before you even get one of those going, but see what else you can do. Use her legs, move them in different directions. Lift them, put them to the side, discover your own positions. Cause truth is, most of those positions in porn are just so that you can see the genitals, not because it is really making her moan like that.

Oh and lastly, lasting forever is not always better for her. Remember, she is not as big as you are (hopefully) and can bruise and/or get sore. Cause you probably have her legs spread wide open the whole time like an idiot anyway. Get her off, at least once, but if it's going for more than an hour cause you're drunk, and probably half hard at that point, and she's kinda only moaning to get you off (you can tell, you sweaty mess) just get it done. She'll be happier in the morning when you roll over for more, and actually want it.

I may be wrong, I may be right. These don't all work for everyone, but I would say that is a decent synopsis of having better or at least more successful sex. Or keep letting her fake it and keep licking around his penis and wonder why he fell asleep before you even got him hard.

Why planes are irritating.

2006-03-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

Hopefully most of you are somewhat current as far as transportation is concerned, and you take flights to different places. Then you will have a slight understanding of what I have to say. Getting to the airport is never fun. If you want to drive there you are stuck paying out the ass for PARKING. PARKING YOUR CAR!
I was thinking about that today. Suppose the airport were really really nice, and only charged 10 bucks a day for long term parking.
Multiply that by 500 spots, for example, filled every day of the year. Carry the one, save the spot for 0, grab your abacus, ask an Asian

That is a lot of fucking money. And they can charge whatever they want, and they know people will have to pay. Rat bastards.

So I stick it to the man by arranging my own transportation. But then I always wind up sticking it to myself. Finding a ride to the train station is never the problem. It's finding a ride home. And better yet, traversing NYC with only a faint idea of the subway system and carrying my luggage. Like I said, normally, the ride back is non existent or last minute stress scramble. Such as posting your phone number on a message board and begging people to call you. That's pretty desperate, and also asking for lots of calls from Private numbers or Restricted numbers, you sketchy bastards!

Next comes the seating. I have no problem with security or anything else going on in there before I get to the plane. More power to this country for keeping strict guidelines, even if getting half naked and redressing each time is a bitch, at least I haven't blown up.
Normally I will fly with one other person. At times there are 2, 3, 4 more, but unless you book 5 months in advance, it is nearly impossible to even find 3 seats in a row. And what does that mean? Stranger. And normally the worst case ever. The habitual bathroom user, complainer, snorer, arm rest hog. Cell phone talker, window shade abusing, A/C and light hater or lover, etc. The list can go on forever. But chances are the person you don't know, squished all up on your ass for the next 5 hours, is going to smell or drool or hate you or hate life. So snuggle up.
This happened on my plane ride home today. The other fun part is to guess which person you will be stuck with before you even get on the plane. Then if you rush to your seat you can sit down and play the same game. It's all in the eyes people, look at where they are staring and you will know.
So I get stuck next to a large woman. She was quiet, at first. No obnoxious cell phone conversations, and she didn't get up once the entire time. I was impressed. Almost as impressed as I was with the Rabbi who flew out and sat next to my buddy. This guy sucked down 2 cokes, a tomato juice (yes he ordered them at the same time) and 2 waters, and did not even flinch. 6 hours, no pee. THAT, is skill. Why he brought a trash bag full of empty cans on the airplane, I cannot answer. But his bladder is a sponge. Shalom.
Back to the quiet girl. I got scared when she began clipping her finger nails. Let's be serious, that is absolutely disgusting. What if one landed on me or took out an eye or something? Uncool. Then she fell asleep, phew, thank God. Ironically and stereotypically enough, watching the TV Food Network. Visions of sugarplums danced in her head.

She snored louder than a chainsaw.
And not just your regular snore. Like her head was tilted back so it involved all the gasping and choking noises you would expect from a fat snoring person. Couple this with the fact it's already 11pm PST (1am EST) and I'm running on 4 hours sleep average for the vacation and knowing I will be arriving in 32 degree New York weather. Anyone else feeling the love? It gets better.
JetBlue carries Direct TV. That's hot. What isn't hot, is not being able to fall asleep, watching Cops in New Jersey and I also memorized the entire Sportscenter broadcast.

On top of the snoring, she began to hog the armrest. Not just any armrest, the one where the controls for the TV are. So now I am really stuck with only ESPN. And she began to jab me, and continue to snore. I glanced over at my friend passed out next to me and contemplated strangling him.

On the bright side, she didn't smell.

The plane ride out there had way more potential to be an absolute disaster. At last count there were 17 babies and 2 little hot dogs that began barking as we were loading the plane. I was hoping they would throw them below with all the suitcases, who travels like that with their little angry shitty dogs? Amazingly, not one made a noise. That ride was pleasant, this ride was hell. Can't win em all I guess.

Pros and Cons of San Diego

2006-03-16T22:18:00.000-05:00

I started to fall in love the second I got off the plane.

WHY? They let us walk in the tarmac. That's hot, I felt like a celebrity for a whole minute. Then there is sand everywhere, and ocean, and palm trees, and reasons to have the windows down this time of year. That is also amazing.

Ever seen Fast Times and Ridgemont High? I'm sure you have. Every guy you meet, that lives here, is like Spicoli times 12. It's bad. Everyone is dude and brah and the word like is every other word, no joke.

And fake blondes, everywhere. I want some fake brunettes, that's way cooler.
That and people wear hoodies when its 60 degrees out, apparently they think it's cold? Lots of people ride bikes, and skateboards, and drink coors light. Grocery stores sell more liquor than the average liquor store back home.
The sun makes me happy, there is a lot to do, and my buddy lives 15 feet from a rollercoaster.
The sights and sounds are beautiful, but the overall lack of intelligence on a grand scale is somewhat of a turnoff. Or maybe just easier for me to take over this coast. Either way, I wouldn't mind spending time here.

Quickie

2006-03-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why she is interested. But hey, the reader will not be denied (I'm the internet version of Star, deal with it)
=================
do men really compare penis size in the locker room?
===================

In a word, yes. We also have contests to see who has the smallest. But the favorite thing to do is put on some 80s music and start swinging them to see who has the best mobility. Kinda like how you women do with hula hoops, only way weirder.

Actually, I went out of my way to make sure I never saw penis in high school locker rooms. But that does bring up an interesting idea. I want to know at what age, does the male decide, "Fuck it, I dont care if anyone sees my cock" ??? Because gym locker rooms in high school are WAY way waywyaywyawyaywyawawayyyyyyyy different than gym locker rooms now, say, at my gym. I went in the other night and was surrounded by 4 naked, fat men. I would call them ugly too but that means I took the time to check them out.
It's not even like they have nice bodies and maybe some bi-curiousity going on. It's just fat naked men flopping around and making me uneasy in the weirdest way. I know women have that problem too, but at least if you walk by a naked woman, no matter how fat she is, she can't brush up parts of her body against you, making you want to sanitize until the day you die. I swear, if one of those things ever comes in contact with me, instant OCD. I will scrub until I lose skin.

So dear EVERYONE who goes to the gym. Have some respect, hide your hairy balls and floppy tats because no one, I mean no one, wants to see them. And it's not hard to hide. Just make the extra effort so that I don't have to induce vomiting before lifting (it's not good for my teeth)

Thank you

Morning sex.

2006-03-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

Warning: This is sexual in nature. If you have virgin eyes or a problem touching yourself, you might want to skip ahead to other boring blogs of mine including my buddy's funny poo story

alright, I warned ya. Taken from an actual conversation had lastnight on AIM.
========================
Anonymous female from NY: why do guys think it's hot when girls squirt?
========================
You know I'm taking this question and running with it, and probably bringing up a lot of "somewhat related but where the hell did he come up with this from that" kinda thing. Run with me.

The answer is simple. Proof of orgasm. Unfortunately for some, it is a conquest men can go many many years looking for. Sort of like the Holy Grail, but without the Knights who say Neep. Think about all the tricks women deal with. In order to keep a man satisfied, they will actually fake their own satisfaction. Amazing, the dedication (and frustration) some will go through. So guys are taught early on what signs to look for. Oh it must be her legs shaking, hips moving, the way the sound changes that comes out of her mouth. It's all about the thighs squeezing, how flush she gets around the chest, or the way she begins to arch her back. Sorry men, whatever we have to give, they can fake. Easily. Why? You are boring in bed and she is amazed you lasted longer than 9 minutes but now she wants to go to bed, because she has about as much chance of getting off as you have a chance at getting with Jenna Jameson.

So in this world of confusion, what better way to say "I know she had an orgasm" than some hard proof. That hard proof is wet and kinda strange and I believe the statistic was around 2% of women can git er done. Others can be taught, I guess it's like a superpower to some. Me, personally, I'm on the fence. I think it would be fun to see in person. But the mess, my poor sheets. I imagine the aftermath is frigtening. I guess it seems more like an activity for pornography, so that men everywhere, can go to sleep at night praying that God will bring them a woman who can show you she's getting off like a fire hydrant.

On a related topic, recent studies by men and women in labcoats, probably in Germany, have decided the female orgasm has absolutely no evolutionary purpose. Now before you all jump on me and stab my eyes out, hold on... think about it. Granted, it causes you to enjoy sex and blah blah alright, I get your lame counter argument. Unfortunately evolution doesn't give a shit about what we enjoy. Some people probably liked our tails too, but evolution decided nah on that one. Evolution gives a damn about us continuing on, I guess. And women, believe it or not, can procreate without an orgasm. I am waiting for your 2nd argument- well Dane, isn't it true that male orgasm and ejaculation aren't the same thing? Sure, to the .9% of men who took 3 months of studying tantric sex and now can have it so long she can fall asleep and get a full nights rest, wake up, and he's still going. Amazing.

I guess my only question is, why doesn't evolution fuck up again and give men the shot at multiple orgasms?

On a somewhat related note, the topic of egg donating came up around a few of my buddies and his sister's friends. 8 G's is a lot for an egg you would think, but it is quite the procedure to get that little guy out of your system. So, as I say that, a WOMAN, sitting next to me, says, "they don't just give you a cup and you go do your thing, kinda like men?"

I'll give you time to soak that up

time is up.
I thought she was joking at first, I had to laugh. Hard. Then my diaphragm started to hurt and I realized she was gazing at me with a blank, inquisitive stare. That's when I knew we were all in trouble. There's no way this WOMAN, CARRYING EGGS, could honestly think that? Right?? PLEASE??? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME IT'S A JOKE NOW?
nope.

Let's picture that scenario briefly. I like to call it, the end of man as we know it. Women are already fed up with us enough as it is. If they ever, ever found a way to continue our species without the need for intercourse, we would be kaput. Put into camps and used for our sperm. Relationships would change completely. Okay hunny, I laid my egg, go jerk off on it I'm going to bed.

God no, it's like a bad, bad dream.
But the fact she was serious, that was kind of like a nightmare.

Quite the quandry....

2006-03-09T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start off by saying hello to everyone out there in internet-land. I thought it would be a good way to start off by telling you about a very strange situation I found myself in the other day. I was in the mall when I suddenly needed to use the restroom. There were no other patrons in the bathroom at the time so I wasn't as stressed as I might usually be. Not that I have a problem with public restrooms, but they tend to be a little sketchy. While I'm sitting there enjoying some horrible limericks and graffiti when someone enters the stall next to mine. Shortly after that, another gentlemen entered the third stall down the line. Then, everything went to shit (excuse the pun).
Out of nowhere the guy in the stall next to me (let's call him Steve) has one of those "blow the house down" sneezes. My initial reaction was to say "Bless You" to him, but luckily it donned on me that it is uncool to talk to other guys while shitting. Well, guys you don't know at least. This really got me thinking whether or not I should suck it up and say something or just let it go. On the one hand, if I do say something and he doesn't say thanks, then I'm screwed. If I just keep my mouth shut and we happen to finish at the same time, then I'm put into that awkward situation where he just stares at me in the mirror while we wash our hands.
At this point guy in stall 3 (Ted for our purposes) sacks it up and offers up a "God Bless you". I could tell that he was struggling with this situation as much as I was because it came out more like a question: "God Bless you???".

And then nothing. None of us shifted an inch. What seemed like 28 minutes passes until Steve came back with "Uhhh...thanks....i guess".

Now, what are the odds that this would play out exactly this way?

All three of us were apparently thinking the same thing. We were questioning the unwritten rule of stall silence.

Luckily, I stayed out of the situation and was the first to finish my business and get the hell out of there.

In conclusion, if you ever find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut and pray for the best. I can't ensure your safety if you choose a different path.

A little thoughts of my own here.

2006-03-08T22:59:00.000-05:00

WOMEN: you have tried this several times. And it worked when I was 13. Now, I smell it a mile away.

Take Girl A. She kinda digs Guy A, but thinks Guy A is a womanizer (he probably is, most of us are, its just the truth.) Girl A takes her friend Girl B and has Girl B hit on Guy A also, to see if he bites. Cause after all, he should just be interested in Girl A and no one else.

puhlease. Let's analyze this.
First off, ladies, be careful with your choice for Girl B. Because if she is really attractive, really witty, really intelligent.... it can be equated to having someone offer you an extra 10g's to your current salary, even though you only got your current job last month. If we don't smell the deception, we are probably going to bite. Why? Human nature. Survival of the fittest. Something along those lines. Most of us always want more, something better, something more pleasing. That is why we always have to get the new phones even though that extra feature means nothing and cost you an extra $350, WHO CARES. It's all about status, right? Point is, if you're looking to buy a Honda, and you find a Bentley for the same price.... do the math. Simple choice, and thats how Girl A gets pissy, Girl B whores herself out (not literally, in most cases. though Girl B might wind up attracted to Guy A and then who knows, Girl A is stuck alone, again, and worthless. Because of her need for detective work. Take some advice, curiosity killed the cat my friend.)

I tend to stray from the topic at hand, in case you haven't noticed.

So yes, most of the time Girl A can score some insider info or find out how much of a sucker Guy A is with a little help of her friend with the big, beautiful---- eyes?
So I think my point was Girl A should not blame Guy A, she obviously didn't have him tied down well. For him to be open to suggestions should not be wild, it should be a hint that maybe he is desirable and if she were to really be interested, she better get on that. Again, not literally, we know how that road goes.

I guess I pose the question to you women- How often do you find this to work? Why do you really waste your time with this? Unless you are in a relationship, what do you gain from it? We are talking, most likely, about the 20 somethings here. And what do they want? To settle down immediately with someone they barely know? Umm.. lemme think
NO
We want to date and figure out exactly what interests us and someday, someday, we will find that someone. But probably not at 22 when we are fresh out of getting drunk every Thursday-Wednesday and drunk women were just too plentiful. Sad, maybe, but true, definitely.

But I see this with my friends too. And some of them are suckers and don't even realize they were duped. Because often Girl B is strong enough to diss Guy A and his new found advances and dirty talk, and then Guy A is stuck in a shitstorm of estrogen with little chance of escape with his testicles intact. Go figure.

But really, many of us have caught onto this tactic ladies. It may work often, but when it happens to me, I play along just to make everyone nuts and confused. That makes it way, way more fun in the end.

Speaking of the end......

Rules of the telephone.

2006-03-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Okay people, this is like an instructional video, because most people are completely voicemail retarded. I'm sorry but it's true. So I will drop some guidelines, so you can learn, MORONS

number 1- ME is the worst word you can use. I don't care if you're my father or my wife. You are not just me. Me is everyone, there are billions of me's everywhere. Hey, it's me, call me back.
Okay, let me go in my phone and look up ME
OH WAIT, NO ONE IN MY PHONE IS NAMED ME. SO WHO AM I CALLING BACK? Ungrateful bastard, the amount of time I spend on that. Even worse is when we cannot call back, because we don't know me, and then me calls again, and says, "why didn't you call ME back? :(" Yes, the person even makes the sad smiley face like you can hear that over the telephone. Evil evil bastards.

number 2- Calling from a blocked number and expecting a call back. Even better is if you call and say its ME and your number is private/blocked. Then I want to throw my phone against the wall or straight up your ass. But since I plan on using the phone again I'll just stick with ramming my head into a fairly soft wall so as to not cause permanent damage.

number 3- this one is good but fairly rare. "Hey, I have a new phone number, so call me back cause I shut the other one off."
Okay, not only are you probably ME again, but you didn't leave the number, and chances are my phone was off or I had no service and you still left a message with less personal information than a senior with serious alzheimers can give you.

number 4- do not make the message longer than 30 seconds. I did a study, 65% of people do not even listen to the voicemail in its entirety. Why? Because you are boring. And if you have something to say other than hey seeing what you're doing, call me back. ME me meme memememe
If you have something to say other than that, it can wait for my callback. A 2 minutes voicemail is as fun to listen to as stabbing myself in the eye is a fun way to pass time.

number 5- you just called, I missed the call because my pants were around my ankles or I just wanted it to vibrate 4 times. I call back within 30 seconds, and there is no answer. What did you do? Did you call, run and hide from your cell phone and giggle? Maybe you realize you said you were ME on the message and don't want to face my wrath now. It's possible. Maybe you are so important you handed the phone off to your secretary and advised you will not be handling any more calls today. But chances are you are lazy. You left a dumb message and it took all your brain power.

Moral of the story:
Be quick, always be concise, use your name, when you will be free, and where to call you back. Plain and easy. CONFORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The good ol days.

2006-03-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

Only during the NASCAR season, of course.

Quick rant on, what else, WOMEN

2006-03-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

Dear men,
There are 5 words a woman can say that will absolutely cripple our soul, throw us into a tailspin of despair, and make us, for once, worry about something.

and no, it's not "you have a small penis", though that could be equally troubling at times.
no guys, it's those dreaded words "i think we should talk"

!@@!!$@..

the thing is, women are proven to be better communicators, so we really have no idea what they could want to talk about. maybe she wants to talk about talking. maybe she liked that thing you did with your tongue and she cant wait for you to show her 3 best friends (highly unlikely, but hey...) maybe she wants to know if you think shes gained weight (steer so far clear of this conversation you wind up somewhere in Siberia, it will not fare well. that talk is like the talk about sexual history, it does NOTHING to help out a relationship. AVOID IT). but chances are, you are a fuckup and she wants to end things. that or she hooked up with a midget lastnight and is feeling guilty, wondering if you will forgive her.

so why do we cringe?
normally men tend to be the more laid back, the more easy going, as if nothing can affect them. it's true, we try not to let the little things bother us. but those 5 little words could take me to my knees quicker than a kick to the junk. especially because the women say it when they know they will be unavailable for hours and hours after. maybe they know what saying that, and letting us dwell on it can do, though probably not to the extent it really does. because then you have to worry about everything, from her being pregnant, to wanting to meet your parents, to wanting to go on a vacation, to wanting to get less serious, to wanting to see other people, to wanting to eat a ham sandwich and she just thought it would be best you knew. man, i hate those 5 fucking words.

here's another question. how do deaf people effectively argue? for example, i raise my voice. that is obviously out of the question. i assume they are using sign language, do they extend their fingers harder? ive been in arguments where the other person simply says "im not listening anymore" and blocks me out. that, also, seems like an uneffective option. even turning the head would be somewhat pointless. or does one just get fed up, and sit there, eyes closed, holding up his or her middle finger? i wonder.