Me? Random? No shit.

It sucks to be a male insect sometimes.
For example- a male mosquito. Talk about only being around to make babies. Your wife gets to go around each night finding sweet delicious humans to munch on while you sit at home worried sick that maybe she got swatted by a fatty. How useless. You think he doesn't get bored sometimes? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality and women making the bread, or well.. blood too. But good luck asking her if he can go do the sucking one night- she makes him look like a little bitch! And I've always wondered.... if a mosquito sucks down on a Chinese person... does she get hungry an hour later? I won't even get into being a male Praying Mantis. Though on further studying into the subject, it appears only a FEW of the 180 species will eat their mates after sex. The ultimate Russian Roulette.

Question- why are people in Africa keeping hyenas as pets? That's just weird. THEY EAT PEOPLE. How the hell are you going to keep a pet that can fucking DOMINATE your sorry ass? If you tell it no, and it wants to, it will just swallow your god damn leg whole like an eggroll. Then what? I understand the whole fearsome aspect, but come on! I will never have a pet that is bigger than I am. I watched some show called Outrageous the other day, and this dude had pulled over on the side of some farm to take a shit. Guess what, a horny donkey saw this dude spread eagle and got an idea. Good luck telling a horny donkey no. Better luck walking for the next month and a half. So I'll stick to fish and maybe a turtle, at least I could outrun that bitch in my sleep.

How about a little news of the incredibly weird. This guy in Illinois (no story can start out good in Illinois, outside of maybe Chicago) was arguing with his girlfriend in POLAND. Problem number one- talk about long distance. Problem number two- we're talking about Polaks. So go figure, a girlfriend halfway across the world and there's an argument- I wonder if it's because she is sleeping with the whole town over there, and maybe even the goats? So instead of being a rational human being, he decides to take it out on random cars on the road. The cops were called, go figure. Then he breaks into a house and starts smashing shit, but most importantly, himself. He comes out bloody and NAKED and throws knives at the cops. But that's not all- he throws his OWN SEVERED PENIS. Read that again- this dude was angry that his girlfriend's in Poland, and he can't get laid, so he cuts it off and throws it at the cops. Genius. Cause hey, if you don't use it- you lose it... right?

Listen ladies, we might argue from time to time, and I love to hate you. But never, ever, would I spare the whole being of my manhood over you, me, the Patriots losing the Superbowl, ANYTHING. What good are we as men without our penii? (Yes, I made up my own plural) I want that thing working until I croak. The day I am going out, I want to request that the nurse unbuttons her shirt a little and hike up her skirt so I can die erect. Talk about a way to go, staring at some boobies and thinking about the same thing that helped birth you- just not on your mom. I understand people talking about strength from within after a tragic accident leaving one paralyzed or blind or somehow else handicapped- but I just can't live without my penis. He is my right hand man. Or my right hand is his woman. Something like that. Anyway, the dude got his penis reattached. They should have just left it off.

So.... do you think his girlfriend stayed with him?

Bumper Stickers

Random and wonderful. Inspired by a new book I am reading my George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty. If you are even a remote fan of his, please go get the book- it is HILARIOUS. If you like any of the weird, random shit I write- you would probably enjoy his book as well. Ok George, did I suck your balls hard enough for that sponsorship money now?

Anyway, bumper stickers. Amusing, disgusting, worthless. My personal favorites, are those with political bullshit strewn across them. People still have bumper stickers that says "BUSH FOR PRESIDENT 92". Come on now. Unlike bell bottoms, that "trend" cannot come back and be cool. There is no such thing as retro when you have a sticker on your bumper advertising a President you voted for. You are a loser. Plus everyone knows those tightwad conservatives would never place something on their car that could devalue it, or cause it to be less aesthetically pleasing. Remember, it's about the appearance! They also would not be driving 92 Sentras... but hey, I digress. Stupid poser Republicans.

Something else that irks me- the Sunoco bumper stickers. I'm sorry but a gas station, is a fucking gas station. We all need them, and more often than not will go to the closest one when we are in need of gas. We all know about the cheap corner bodega gas mart that is 3 cents cheaper than everywhere else, but do you really want that shit in your tank? I've seen it come out in powder form. The homeless won't even ask you for change at those gas stations, because they know you can't spare any! They're so ghetto instead of a computer with a running tally there's a man next you to counting out how much you owe. "FOURTY-FIVE OH ONE"
SON OF A BITCH! I wanted it at an even dollar.
But seriously, you get discount oil changes for keeping this ugly, square, Sunoco bumper sticker on your car. It will not blend in with your vehicle, it will not make it look cooler. But I'm wondering what the execs up at Sunoco were thinking- hmm, we really need to establish ourselves as a cornerstone in the market.... we should advertise on bumpers!
Like seeing that sticker will make me want Sunoco. You don't see Pepsi advertising on bumpers- nah, they use whole cars! Way more effective. If someone has a McDonalds bumper sticker, and someone else had a Burger King bumper sticker... do you think they would try to crash into eachother? "TAKE THIS YOU KING SIZE LOSER"

Anyway, bumper stickers are lame, if I didn't make my point yet. It is a way for dejected emo fatties to display their love for fairies and being crazy- fantastic, it really brings out the shine in your 87 Taurus. If you want attention, cut yourself and whine about it. Or get a Myspace account and pretend you are just on there "because everyone else is and my friends totally made me do it".

Then there are the parents who proudly display that their child is an honor roll student at Retard Elementary in Dumbfuck, New Mexico. Give me a GOD DAMN BREAK! You could drink your own urine, snort glue until it started to actually feel good, sleep through every class, pick your nose through recess, and still make honor roll. Guess what parents? IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT. And that same little bastard is going to fail through high school because alcohol and sex is discovered and cost you 25K a year for some out of state institution where more of the aforementioned sinning will occur, and then where is the bumper sticker? Sucker.
But the funniest bumper sticker I have ever seen is a play on this.
"I had sex with your honor roll student" from Generic School USA. Just pure fucking gold. I could see Matthew McConaughey rollin around in that piece right now, pack of butts rolled up in his sleeve.

Anyway, I'm out. Enjoy.

The homeless

Question: What's more fun than a spur of the moment blog?
Answer: A million dollars? Three naked women willing to do your bidding? How about a cheesecake. Hell finding a dollar on the ground is even more fun. I don't give a shit where that dollar has been, it's mine now bitch.

Anyway, hi people. I saw this on the bus ride home today and it got me thinking. Actually I'm full of shit I was falling asleep the whole ride home and barely thought about anything but the strippers passing through my mind. But still, I'm sure I had a moment of clarity at some point.

I saw a man, a black man- not that the race really matters in this case, at a bus stop. He was walking with a sort of limp, but wearing a Boston Celtics t-shirt cause even bums have pride in their respective cities. Anyway I'm pretty sure he wanted money, shit at least some chump change. The bus stop also happens to be in Chinatown. I'm sure none of this matters but he happened to walk up to an Asian, more likely Asian American (This PC bullshit is starting to itch) and probably said "Hey douchebag you can afford all those sweet electronics, drop a c-note on me would ya? I need some blow and a cheap hooker!" Sometimes they are honest, often not. Clean and sober, sure you are. So anyway, this guy would not even look the homeless man in the face. He didn't even respond, just did everything in his power to look the other way and pretend he only spoke Chinese or something ridiculous. And I had to wonder, at what point did that other guy become less than a man. It was as if it were a stray cat begging for some food and shelter from the cheap restaurants. How fucking cruel can we be? Who knows what that guy went through to get where he is- maybe he never has even had a place to call home. For all this little prick knows, he could have been an orphan, living the streets his whole life. And yet somehow that warrants less than EYE contact as appropriate? Appauling.

I handle the homeless much better. Take my situation the other week. Guy comes up to me while I'm standing at the ATM, and asks if he can have a few bucks. The irony, ATMs only dispense $20, rarely $10 at a time. And I might be generous, sometimes, but no way this guy was getting more than a couple bucks off me. So I turn to him, wondering if he's joking, but he wasn't. He looked like the chief from Rescue Me, which made things more interesting. Dressed like any other person you would see on the street didn't smell too terrible- but was very blunt. "C'mon man, I just want to get a beer" he says.... it's NOON! I have had my days but this was a MONDAY! "Buddy, I'm at an ATM, you think I have any cash?" "Cmon, just a couple bucks" he responds. For whatever reason, the ATM was out of service. He keeps trying though. "Hey the Red Sox are winning!" I'm still being nice at this point, though I had little reason to be, apparently. "Uh, actually, they're playing at 7pm tonight" I figured the only other thing two complete strangers, one probably half drunk, one kinda jealous, could talk about at this point.... was the weather? No, he keeps going.
"Well, there's an ATM just a block down, c'mon I'll walk with you"
At that point I was a little insulted, yet A for effort, and walked away in the other direction. Point is, I didn't spit on him, I didn't completely ignore him, I said my piece and told him no. I treated him like a man, a drunk or at least desperately seeking drunk man, but still, I did not shed him of what dignity he may have had left. To avoid even eye contact with someone is a huge insult. So next time you see a bum, strike up a conversation. Just try to stay downwind.

Without...

Why do the strong always prey on the weak? Is it just our animal instinct?
Dane what the fuck are you talking about? Let's check it out.
Without having a diverse range of people fitting into every category, there would be no extremes in the first place. Without semi decent looking men and women there would be no supermodels. Without the lower middle class there would be no upper class- though that could spawn a whole converastion on Communism and what it attempts and fails at.

The way I see it, we all have a purpose. Without getting all specific into logotherapy and lulling you to sleep, it is a major thought that the reason man strives and survives is to find the reason for being, the meaning for life. And depending on what you believe in, as far as the evolution of man, some people might just fit in, in order to help out others. No? If you honestly believe God put man on this Earth, which you are entitled to in your rubber, padded room. But honestly, if you believe that... don't you think maybe somewhere along the way he had a sense of humor? Don't you think it is possible, one day, that he though to himself...
"hmmm... white trash, that's a terrific idea. they make everyone look better!" and poof, the mullet came and boy, did it conquer.

But seriously, sometimes people have a purpose, they aren't always completely shit on. You often find the "nerds" are nerds because they believe studying is more important than intercourse. Those same nerds would have lots of trouble obtaining this intercourse as well, often times, because it is not as easy as putting in the code to lose your virginity in the latest video game. But seriously, they have dedicated themselves to the thrilling life of spelling bees, sudoku, and a severely depleted social life. And sometimes, it pays off. Bill Gates, for example. That man could taste 99% of the poon on the planet. He could have a poon buffet if he wanted, take an advertisement out, in fact, buy a newspaper and make the entire thing a huge add for his million dollar poon buffet, and women from across the world would line up and spread eagle for him. Because he is gorgeous? Probably not. My point exactly. Those that avoid it, and focus their efforts, and really do well for themselves, will come full circle.

But not everyone does. Which leads me to my actual point. Did I just shoot down my argument before presenting it? Whatever, it's been a long week and a half, and when the hell did it turn Friday? Anyway.
Without the ugly there cannot be the beautiful.
Without the fat, there is no skinny.
You get the idea, I don't need to go on. But think about if everyone were just the same. No one stood out, no one had more than others, we were just kinda all.... there. A life without bragging about the 10 that you bagged at the bar that blew you by a dumpster and then.... she had a penis (bet you leave out that last part) Or the poor person you laughed at driving by in a 83 Mazda with the words MAZDA across the windshield as you cruise in your 04 Audi S4 and hit a baby crossing the road because you were too busy laughing.
A world without extremes, is a bland bland world. Like those groups of guys that all get blowouts and rock pink, popped collar shirts out to the same bar with European hand bags and more hair gel than the entire state of Idaho has ever seen. Can anyone think of something Idaho does besides potatoes? Is Idaho still even a state? I think it should merge with Montana, the Dakotas, and Iowa, and they can just call themselves "Land".

Prince Charming.

Charm and confidence, and why they get you everywhere in life.

It’s true, try it sometime. Smile too much and people start to ask questions. The problem is that there is too much pessimism in this world. Sure, there are wars going on, people starving, global warming- WHATEVER. If you let shit like that affect your personal life, you should probably be in the Peace Corps and/or Greenpeace. If you aren’t, and if you don’t plan on joining- give up and be happy, look on the bright side for once. People call me a sweet talker, or even a schmoozer, man I hate that word. Car salesman are schmoozers, they don’t care what they say, as long as they make a sale. I on the other hand, try to make people smile because it is contagious. Especially in my job, I am dealing with people who just got in car accidents. Imagine the demeanor of the people not at fault; and that’s something I have to work past? It’s not easy, but I have a skill. Charm, it must be an Italian thing naturally, my Pops taught me well. Charm will get you lots and lots of places, but it’s hard to be charming without having confidence to back it up. Believe in yourself, that’s most important. Once you believe in yourself, you can believe in everything you say. Don’t lie, that isn’t part of charm, that’s not even schmoozing; that’s just sleazy. And most people also come with a pre-installed bullshit detector. While there may be a thin line between charm and sleaze, it isn’t too hard to tell if people are being genuine, or just blowing smoke up your ass and hoping they benefit. There is also a very, very thin line between confidence and cockiness. VERY THIN, believe me, it is a line I walk constantly. The other problem with this, is that it is way harder to tell the difference between the two. If I had a penny for everytime I was called cocky, I would have thousands of pennies. And if I had a penny for every cliché I write, I would have at least a few pennies. It is easily misconceived that my confidence is cocky, because I am also a master of sarcasm. So much so, it can be undetectable; a gift and a curse, I tell you. There goes another penny. My explanation of confident vs. cocky is as follows: a confident person will say “thank you” when you say he or she is the best. It is considered a compliment. A cocky person will say “I know” when you say the same. It is something he or she has already verified and probably says on a daily basis. There is nothing wrong with being extra confident, if you have a reason. Hell, even if you don’t, fake it until you make it. One more penny, thank you. But there is nothing worse than being cocky, except being cocky and sleazy. If you want something to ground you, always remember, no matter how good you are at any one thing, or any group of things, there is definitely someone out there that is way better. Probably a few someones, actually. Don’t let that get you down, use it as motivation, but also a way to keep your damn ego in check. Though I think I am the best thumb wrestler in the entire world, I am sure there is someone deep in Malaysia that has 2 thumbs on one hand with 13 joints that makes a living off kicking everyone’s ass in a thumb war. And I await the day I can meet this man, but until then, I will just have to keep training.

Wasn’t I supposed to have a point? Learn the boundaries between these aforementioned qualities, and use them to your advantage. On a daily basis, damnit. Make people smile, make people laugh, make people like you, and it will always pay off in the long run. Because you never know who does what and how it could come along in your life, somehow randomly. It’s always better to have someone like you, than to have them hate you. And it is way better to make someone like you than to convince someone to stop hating you. Confidence is the only way to get a job, even one you may be under-qualified for. Confidence and charm will help you get a date with someone, probably out of “your league”. Try it out, I guarantee immediate results. Because the more you walk around with your head held high, smiling, the more people wonder why. And the curiosity will help you to no end.