Duality, what a word.

This one could be interesting. Read this if you are religious, read this if you aren't religious. Read this if you spell religious wrong. Read this if you have ever questioned God, or the thought of Heaven and Hell (hence, duality), good and evil, or anything involving the afterlife. Have I covered about everyone yet? Good, read on. I was so excited to write something intellectual and interesting that I ran inside after I got back from the gym and I'm going to allow myself to smell for a few more minutes just to bring this to YOU, the reader, the people. As you might sometimes see me say, the reader will not be denied.

Okay, so, here's my thing. I am not a Church-goer. Never really was, I didn't grow up that way. I went through a bunch of tough times as a youngin and being confirmed and learning the bible just didn't appeal to me. Maybe the fact my father had gone through all of that shit in life, Catholic school and so forth, helped him realize it wasn't the right thing to do for most; or at least his son. The only times I went to that brainwashing store was when I slept at the Grandparents house, and my mother's funeral. It's not a store? Then why do they always ask for money? It's not brainwashing? Then why do you have to strictly adhere to their guidelines in order to enjoy life, but more importantly, the afterlife? I'm jumping the gun here. Let me explain- I don't have a very positive view on the strictly religious. Not saying they are wrong, but I feel somewhat misguided- by being TOO guided. But I also feel if it keeps them happy, then so be it. Whatever it takes, to each his or her own. I have opinions, we all do, and I will not bash any one religion, just try to bring my always random viewpoint to the forefront for some to ponder. And I may not be right about all my assumptions on a religion just because I am not that well versed...so forgive me. ONWARD!

God apparently created the Earth. Let me just quickly interject- anyone who denies science and this whole theory of evolution and progression must have some serious, serious problems understanding many things in this world- I'm sorry but I think those people are just plain dumb or at best, ignorant. Live a day without science, try it. Anywho- God created Earth and Adam and Eve and all that, according to that boring Christian religion, correct? Okay, but God is an all perfect being- there is only good with God. How then, did Hell come about? How could evil come about if God, all good, created something in his vision, also expected to be all good? To believe in this creation is to shoot down your whole theory, the beauty of duality. For evil to have been created, God must have messed up, and God cannot mess up. Sad that simple algebra can be used to shoot down an entire theory on things.

Now what about other religions? Native Americans, for example, did not believe in a God, they had multiple spirits for everything that was living on this earth. Does that mean they were wrong in their beliefs? Or were the white people in the wrong for coming over here, attempting to spread a narrow, diluted version of God, and then killing those people, already here, for not assimilating and handing over all they had? Hmmm...

What about certain facets of the most radical, and most misguided, who often align themself with the Muslim religion? Though I have not read, I hear the Koran is much like the Bible, and that misinterpretations allow radical factions to form their own beliefs based on what they think it could mean if they wanted it to. Selective reading, my favorite. In some of their minds, life is for suffering, and through this suffering, the afterlife can be enjoyed. To some radicals, the best afterlife will come when suffering for the "evil" living is caused, aka suicide attacks on those outside of their beliefs. To them, the only way to get to a form of Heaven, is to raise Hell. Does this mean they are in the wrong? And mind you, assholes, I'm not trying to say Muslims are terrorists, shut the fuck up already. We have as many white morons in our country sabotating things in their own way, it just isn't viewed as terrorism because of how the media will portray it. So simma down before you come out with your hate and ignorant comments!!!!

How can we determine correctness? As advanced as our world may be, and as far as science has come, let us quickly review what we know of the afterlife. The reason I say quickly review is because we know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No fucking clue, plain and simple. And yet we are so obsessed with satisfying a certain prerequisite in order to solidify our position in a happy life after death. What if precious life is wasted worrying about this, and all that happens is we rot in the ground? What if we are just reincarnated? What if...
So is each religion correct because that is the set of beliefs attached with it? Does that mean the afterlife is a big smorgasbord of killers, lovers, saints, and sinners? How would that work, no fluffy clouds and angels playing harps I bet.

Why do so few people question the Bible? Because the history of it is too guarded, and never brought to the surface for that fact that it might raise questions. Some people live their lives off the EDITED, yes, EDITED, words of a King that was "interpreted" and then rereleased by some old cranky white people in the Church that was put there to control the people. And what better way, than to scare them all into conformity?

All I'm saying is, I refuse to live my life by a set of rules that a "higher power" sent down to make sure I enjoy what comes after I pass on. I already have that, it is called the Law, set by other cranky old white men to keep us in order. But breaking a law is much more apparent, than these laws that are attempting to govern where I go after my heart no longer beats and brain no longer functions. I've already addressed how I feel about life and living, and I have bigger things to worry about now, in the present, and the near future- when I know what can occur. As for death, well... that's a long ways away hopefully.

Again, I'm not trying to offend those that are regulars on Sunday, and live their life by the code they have been taught is the way. So long as you aren't doing it, out of fear, and you are enjoying your life as you see fit- rock on. Because fear, was the original reason, that much of this popped up in the first place.

Double, standards, galore.

This involves alcohol. What doesn't these days?
People try to get other people drunk for multiple reasons. Sometimes it's for sex, let's be serious. Sometimes it's because no one likes to be drunk alone. Sometimes you want your friends to pass out so you can draw on them. Sometimes you know someone in AA who hasn't had a beer in 3 months and you just want to see them off the wagon again. That last one is plain evil, people.

So men spend a great deal of time, and money, trying to get women drunk. At bars, at house parties, sports games, at the gym (?) anywhere women are and men can convince them to down a beer or eight shots of tequila. So it's automatically assumed, when a guy is trying to get a gal, or a group of gals drunk, that he wants some action. Why does it have to be that way? To be honest, I have had gals, try to get this guy drunk. What does that mean? Can't be that they want to hook up, right? Cause only men have those evil intentions. Is it to draw on me? That's a waste of alcohol, as women biologically take less alcohol to get drunk. Look it up if you think you're a tough guy and that I'm full of shit. There is a naturally produced enzyme in the stomach that breaks down alcohol before it would reach the blood stream. Men happen to have nearly twice the amount of that enzyme. (IT'S TRUE) One more reason for women to stop saying they can outdrink any man. Because now, you have to check for an adam's apple, when that bold statement is made.

Back to the analysis. Maybe I am asking you women, what are your evil intentions? Do you want us to pass out so you can steal our wallets? That is rather hooker-ish.

Maybe some of you really do want to hook up. Here's the thing. You don't need to get a guy drunk to get some action. Unfortunately the same is not always true for us men. However, I guess there could be some inadequacies on the surface that you hide under a double shot of vodka, which might make you feel more comfortable hooking up with the man- your drinking partner for the night? Maybe he motivates you to get so hammered your shirt falls off and your head falls straight into his lap. Maybe. Or it might come full circle with my dastardly hate for the worlds slut and whore that we throw about like a used cond.....iment packet. Maybe the drinking helps them to surpress these unfortunate evil feelings. Each probably has their own unique situation. I was once told by a guy friend in college that some girl got he and another guy hammered one night. Even gave him some random pills. The problem is, he woke up and said he felt weird and could have sworn she was taking pictures at some point. Now that, is plain creepy. So ladies, if you want weird pictures of men in compromising positions.... JUST ASK!

More double standards

Equally abstract, yet explained in a way you can enjoy.
So a question came up the other day. If you could go down on yourself, would you? I'm not saying if it hurt like hell and your spine cracked in half a little each time you tried, if you were just missing some ribs or lucky like a dog/cat.
So I asked a couple females. Quicker than I could ask, they were saying "YES BITCH" and slapping me for asking such a dumb question. I didn't quite get the same response from guys. If you ask me, most guys would probably forget about women if they had the ability to pleasure themselves like that, and probably spend all day watching Sportscenter with a mirror, naked on a couch with a beer helmet on inbetween breaks.
And women would probably buy all the candles in the world and try not to drown in the bath or put their favorite songs on repeat and just completely, completely, cut men out of the equation. Wouldn't you all be excited? The rabbit is doing us in enough, nevermind if you could go the extra step. Men would all be fat and lazy, women would all be content with life and unwilling to play any mind games. What a sad, sad world it could be.

But honestly, look at it from an objective standpoint. The same man that would find it to be strange, or homosexual, needs to think about how he currently masturbates. Since it can't be the touching, it must be the fact it is a mouth? I think the big problem would be the huge internal conflict..... SPIT, or SWALLOW? If you spit, do you hate yourself? Are you ashamed after, angry at yourself and sad at yourself? Is it even possible? What if you swallow? Does that cross the line into homosexuality? For nothing else, at least you actually KNOW where it has been! What if you gave yourself an STD? For example- genital herpes has a chance of turning into mouth herpes through oral, and vice versa. What if you were giving yourself head, and wound up with a cold sore in a couple weeks? Do you tell the story? Is that not the most embarassing thing ever? Or is it comforting- "hey, don't worry baby, that came from me, no one else!" What would you tell your girlfriend? "Honey, I SWEAR I wasn't with anyone else but you, and.... myself?!" So is it because women aren't putting anything in their mouths, and don't have to worry about the whole spit vs swallow issue, that makes it easier for them to accept? What if you choke on your own pubic hair? My God, I'm glad to have a ribcage. Too many questions, so little time.

I think there should be a sketch comedy about this all. I have to be the writer, of course.

Life is fucking precious

I'm sorry but some shit that happens in this world should make you realize how fragile, how delicate, how special, and how precious your life is. For those of you who don't know me but regularly stalk me in your own ways, I work for Progressive Insurance. That means I do all the dirty work after an accident happens. One of those tasks is appraising the vehicle.

I had a terrible car that I looked at today. To cut it short, it was a fatality. The woman was TWENTY FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD. I'm 23, close enough. What if I were to fucking DIE in a car accident tomorrow? HOLY SHIT. Nevermind the bullshit I wouldn't have an opportunity to accomplish, what about the way I left Earth? Probably didn't say I love you to my parents the last time I talked to them, probably in some stupid fight with some of my good friends, probably didn't cherish a damn thing I did and took it all for granted- we ALL do. But seriously, think right now, for one second, everything you would want to change if you were to die in an hour. And the scariest part of it all is, it can happen to anyone. She wasn't drunk, there wasn't another vehicle involved- she either fell asleep, or lost control- be it avoiding another animal or what have you. And boom- roof caved in, car was a fucking mangled mess, and she passed away. And there I am, writing an estimate on this vehicle, completely creeped out thinking not more than a week ago there was a lively 24 year old woman probably in the prime of her fun stage in life, rocking out to whatever music she may have loved, calling her friends to say she would see them later..... without even knowing. To be honest, I had a lot of trouble at this inspection. It just had an eerie feel to it, especially being so similar age wise to myself- maybe she had a serious boyfriend, maybe they were planning on moving in together. I thought about where I am in my life right now- I just started a new career- I'm planning on a big move, to a new city, in a matter of just over a month- I have so much I am looking forward to that hasn't even happened yet. Chances are she was in the exact, same, spot. She had her entire life ahead of her to look forward to, and that all vanished in a couple minutes- and what comes of it? Some other doofus goes out to her car, so he can call the parents and let them know that the car is totaled and since it was brand new and just financed they are going to get about $500 back on it- how thrilling, I bet they are anxiously awaiting my call.

I'm not trying to say everyone should walk around in a suit of armor, walking on their tippie toes, being careful never to deviate from the completely safe. Without risks, we cannot fully enjoy our lives. The thing is, be smart about what you do- not saying in this case she was necessarily stupid, it was just a freak accident as far as we can tell. But plenty of people do plenty of stupid shit that lead to plenty of stupid injuries or deaths. I just wish we all thought about enjoying our lives while making sure those important to us, knew that we were always thinking about them, or kept them in mind when it mattered most.

There are currently 3 separate accidents within our office with a fatality involved- one is a case with a woman I had handled a simple claim with just over a month ago. ONE MONTH AGO, I was talking to this lady, joking with her, making small talk, helping her get her vehicle fixed and everything worked out. And now, she and her child have passed away because of a car accident- that BLOWS my mind! There is an article in the New Haven Advocate this week about how fatal car accidents are on the rise, and it's a scary, scary thing. When I see people that don't wear their seatbelt, I cringe- I myself was in a terrible accident at the age of 17- I fell asleep after work on a hot summer day ( I worked landscaping, 5am-3pm in the summer) and drove off the road and dead into a tree. I woke up to an airbag, intense pain in my shoulder, and my passenger screaming and crying in pain. I looked through my broken windshield and it all came to me, I started screaming WHY.. for a second. Until I noticed something flickering at the edge of my hood- a FLAME?? My car was on FIRE? Holy shit, I thought. Get the fuck out of the car, I tell my passenger. He can't, the door won't open. I had my seatbelt on, I always do- I threw my door open and ran to his side. Luckily the window was crank and we were able to get it down- I had to drag him out by the window and hobble into the road to cry for help- now that little flame had turned into a small fire. What the fuck, why am I such a fuckup, that was all I could think at the time. An ambulance came, eventually.... since our injuries were minor, they gave the fire truck priority. I remember sitting in the back of a pickup truck and hearing the crackling... and then the blast. My car exploded, twice actually- and was left burnt to a crisp, mostly everything melted. What if I hadn't woken up? Holy shit.. what if. And to make things worse, the whole road was shut down. Well that road happens to be the same way my father would take to get home- and as he's on his way- he had to take a detour because they told him there was a big accident and the road was blocked off. My poor fucking father had to worry, knowing I take that road, hoping to God for the next 2 hours until he heard from the hospital that I was alive. WEAR A FUCKING SEATBELT- even though in this case it wouldn't have saved this young woman's life, it sure as fuck, helped to keep me where I am today. I walked away from that with only a broken collarbone and short my first car. But I had my life, I won the game, that day.

That shit made me stop and think... a lot. I changed a lot of things about myself, habits, ways of thinking, etc. Shit, that accident may be the reason I have some of these wild blogs in the first place. But today was a very humbling experience, left the rest of my day very somber. In fact the first thing I did when I stopped home to see the family was hug them and tell them I loved them. I even went up to each pet and gave them their fair share, lucky bastards. It's sad that it would take something like that for us to act loving at all times, but it's unfortunately true. Think of how many of us take for granted the little things- the love of family most importantly- the "affection" of friends, the caring of others, it goes unnoticed and underappreciated too damn much. I can't sit here and say I am going to appreciate every moment of my life, but there are little things we can each do to try and make those who deserve it, realize they are worth a little extra effort, or a little extra appreciation. I'm sorry I don't have anything funny to say, I tried to keep the rest of my day pretty upbeat, I would hate to drag anyone down with me. But there are serious things that none of us ever think about, that should always be in the back of our heads. Death is one. It can come so easily, without warning, just like this unfortunate young lady. I guess my main point, is watch what you do, and which people you hurt, because you never know when there may not be a chance to come back on it all. I am not a religious person but I pray she went peacefully and is in a better place- because you know there are a hundred and fifty things, she would have changed, if she knew she were going to die that night.

FOOD. I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTT

I am a food snob. Don't take it the wrong way, I just grew up like that. My father was the head chef, and owner of a restaurant. He is an amazing man, we won't get into that now. But he is an amazing cook as well, I mean amazing. So growing up, we never had gross family KFC or any of that bullshit. When we went out to eat, we didn't go to Chili's, or something plain, NOT fresh, and shitty like that. It just didn't happen. We either had amazing meals at home, or went out to quality restaurants. And every type of food there was, I ate. I can say, when I was younger, I wasn't that interested in Japanese food, the word Thai just scared me. But I truly thank them for opening my eyes at an early age so that I now know, and even feel a little cultured here (haha).
People often ask me what my favorite food is. That's because I am normally stuffing my face. I don't really have an answer, I eat EVERYTHING. I love Japanese food, I am Italian, thats a given type of food but ya know. I love Thai food, Vietnamese food, and Indian food. I will try anything. German seems strange but I've had some, very little. The whole wurst thing doesn't really tickle my fancy. So normally I reply, sushi, because I can eat it every, every day. I guarantee 50 of you just said ew, 3 of you just threwup a little in your mouth, and 5 of you are horny. But of those who were disgusted, my guess is that you have never ever had sushi, and you probably won't ever give it a whirl. This baffles me. What is it that makes the thought of raw, well prepared fish disgusting? Think about your steak. The cows are fed growth hormones and packed together on these farms, so they are grown larger than they should be, because size = profit. Plain and simple. They are maliciously slaughtered and picked apart and shipped to your local butcher, or restaurant (probably frozen) From there you have some child handling the food with little if any care and so it goes to your mouth. The sushi on the other hand, arrives fresh, is only fresh that day, and cared for with the upmost, to ensure the quality of it all. But for some reason, you all ew. Raw, how gross. Vegetables are raw, they were once living. I bet you don't squirm at the thought of an orange, so why fish? Because they were moving? Because you are ignorant, and the first thing that comes to mind is that it is squirmy or slimy or anything like that? Come on now. First off, not all sushi is raw. Eel, for example, is cooked thoroughly and topped with a delicious sauce- go figure. Other forms are poached because no one wants it raw. But believe me when I tell you, nothing is more delicious than a raw piece of tuna, or salmon, or scallop mmmmm. Meat on the other hand, has a whole bunch of things you have to worry about, so you can't eat it raw- doesn't that make eating the fish... safer, and better for you? Go figure.

Anywho, I lost track. I hate people that ew sushi for no god damn reason. And then you make someone try it, and they say, oh wow, it isn't that bad. And there goes the ignorance, out the door. Just how I like it.

What I forgot to add, when saying what I look for in a woman, is her eating habits. I will eat all types of food, all the time. That's just how it is. If she is stuck in her ways and likes french fries and meatloaf, only... it may not work. Unless she is willing to try new things. That seems to be a lot to ask of some people, which is funny in a way. But none the less, that is who I am, and how I am. I love all food, I love it for the taste, texture, smell, appearance, and presentation. It is something we spend so much of our day worrying about, figuring out, preparing, doing, and spending money on- why keep it so narrow minded?

Men are always part woman.

This may be hard for some of you to believe but
this blog might be a little abstract, try and bear with me.

I was at a bar lastnight celebrating a friend's 21st birthday. The glasses had cute little sayings on them, apparently I was "Drama Queen" all night. This is completely unrelated to the entire story.

On another note, go figure, women and men drinking together, sex was brought up. But not like hey let's have sex. More like things about sex. The birthday girl, just before all the shots hit her and she started hanging on Jimmy; brought up a good point, shit she inspired a blog. Men determine the sex of the child to be born, it is our sperm that either carries that Y chromosome, or doesn't, plain and simple. So then my fucked up self started to remember, ah yes, we carry male and female sperm at all times. So then I started to get gross. Do you think the sperms flirt with eachother? Granted, they are all out for the same prize, but what do you think they do in their spare time? Sit in a vat of to be ejaculate. Can't be that thrilling, I know I would be looking for an escape. And the last time I saw a group of guys and girls laying in a pool of semen it was Backdoor Sluts 9, and there were midgets running around and a donkey too. It looked like quite the party; though quite a STICKY situation. Oh, I crack me up. Moving on.
So what do you think goes on down there? Maybe they put signs on the dork's back that says "Shoot Me" (warning: this blog might be laden with puns, deal with it). Now here was my one burning question. If they hook up, is it considered incest? What about homosexuality? I mean granted, they are all sperm, and there isn't an anatomy difference going on to determine a square peg to throw in a round hole or two. Maybe they just tickle eachother with their tails. I know you have all been dying to think about this, I just wanted to bring it to the forefront. There must be some form of sabotage, there just must be. You know there are a few sperm down there doing performance enhancing drugs to give them that extra push at the end of the marathon. Granted, most of us do not have Kenyan sperm, so there really shouldn't ever be a favorite to win the race. And a Kenyan would probably just have a 1,732,393 way tie, that could prove ugly.
And what if the sperm about to win isn't into fat chicks? Have you seen the size of that egg compared to our tadpoles? Astonishing. Are they all tricked into thinking they are going to score with some hot broad only to wind up with some rotund picky bitch with a real tough exterior. Not only that, we lose the damn tail too? COME ON!
And how do we convince the female sperm to chug along. Are we telling them that at the end of the race is a non stop Sex and the City marathon? Or a shopping spree at Victoria's Secret? What is the motivation here? Avoiding death, I guess that's a good motivation for me.
One more question- the sperm that are wasted with masturbation, do they scream as they begin to dry up? What kind of life is it to wait for your big day, and then wind up in a tissue in a garbage festering with all your companions. You know there is one smart guy there saying "Told ya". Or if by chance it is spent on a nice girl that swallows, are the sperm excited because it seems all easy and then they see this vat of acid waiting to murder them?

I have come to the conclusion, being a sperm sucks.

Laughter. It can save your life apparently.

Some new study reveals you should laugh about 15 minutes daily to save your heart from shitting the bed. Excellent, so everyone I know is running around with amazing hearts. Well people, glad I could help. Next time you yell at my dog for shitting on your lawn, I will gladly remind you- without me, you would die. Then I will poop on your precious lawn as well (and pee on your garden gnome)
But honestly, I think about laughter a lot. For a few reasons. There are like, 5 people in this world, that don't laugh at everything I say. I am mostly offended. Then I realize they are just dumb and my humor flies over their head (see: sarcasm, wit) So I try to let it slide. But then I think about the whole nature vs nurture when it comes to what we find humorous. Can there not be one universal that is funny? Back in the day I think it may have been the banana peel, hard to resist. With teenagers, it is normally fart jokes or the word penis (vagina just makes you blush). So what decides what we laugh at? For example, if your father was into British humor, are you forever doomed to like something that is NEVER EVER FUNNY? If not, how do you make up your own style of funny? Do you subconsciously fill out a form in the brain and anytime something fits that mold, laughter is induced? Fake laughter aside, this must be a pretty complicated process here. Better yet, how does our sense of humor evolve? From something so crude as the fart jokes to a more sophisticated taste. Is it like the way our taste in music evolves? Can I somehow throw the word eclectic in here? (Word of the day, by the way) How did humor itself evolve? At what point did some jester decide, I'm going to make a joke about all these severed heads!? Which eventually evolved into today's current jokes about every ethnicity and sexual orientation there is. Man the first people that tried this probably ended up like that jester, booed off the stage and lucky if they kept their head.

Guess it is just one of those things that cannot be answered. Let's take best friends for a minute. Same tastes in booze, women, and rock and roll. They even go to the movies sometime but always sit one seat apart, don't want to look too homo, right? How come you find that there are times one will laugh and laugh at the joke and the other decides to just keep eating popcorn? Better yet, think about the last time you watched a funny movie, alone. Take the same movie, throw in 3 of your friends, and I GUARANTEE, you laugh way way more with your friends around. For example- I love Family Guy. And normally, it is watched in a group setting because everyone loves Family Guy. I could probably spend an ENTIRE episode chuckling and giggling and almost peeing my pants (Miles, Davis). However, taken out of it's element, watched alone, I still laugh... but less than half as much. Is it just because the show isn't as funny as I thought? Is it because my friends are trying to get me high before I watch it? Is laughter then socially promoted? Oh, my friends are here, we all should laugh to enjoy the movie. Better yet, why don't you laugh when you are alone? Is the movie less funny? Is watching other people laughing appealing? Have you ever seen those laughter clubs? That shit creeps me out, they should make a horror film about it. But hey, they all have healthy hearts, assuming they don't make love to sodium a few times a day.

I WANT ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even the Bean can't keep me from you

So I'd like to present something that you may not be used to- a double standard where the MAN comes out on the shitty end. I am of course talking about a hidden form of gold digging, the sugar mama.

Women are known to be gold diggers. I am not saying you ALL are, but most of you at least enjoy money- and a man with money sure looks better than a man at the Salvation Army shopping for glassware, am I wrong? But we let it slide, we are all here to make money as it is, so if you want a piece of the action, it's understood- we are supposed to treat you like the pretty princesses you are anyway.

The confusion comes in, however, when a male is searching for his piece of the pie. Men, go ahead and tell a group of women how you are looking for a sugar mama, or how you let some female buy you all sorts of things. Watch the smile fade away and look out for the left hook. Suddenly we are animals, how could we ever expect someone to pay for our things?! How could we let this woman go on and spend her HARD EARNED MONEY on our broken souls?

Frankly, I don't get it. Say what you want, money equals happiness. Maybe not directly, but through other paths. For example, money equals convenience- the ability to do things that you would like to. That in turn leads to less stress because you aren't worried about balancing the check book and findng the cheapest hotel. Less stress, less worries, less problems, bigger smiles. See the connection? So while we are all searching for happiness, we are consequently searching for money, in some form, as well. We all have our limits and comfort zones, I'm not saying we are all looking for a millionaire, but what if the person you loved also happened to have a great job and great wealth? What a bonus. It's like the cherry on a perfect sundae, the fake boobs on a stripper with an already perfect ass, the happy ending after a great massage, the fortune cookie that makes you feel significant and forget you just ate 2 gallons of sodium and your heart is about to shit the bed. We all should have fair game when it comes to searching for that which will make our lives a little better. But yet, men are looking down upon for wanting a female to take care of them, even if it is only for the afternoon. Now tell me, could this be solely due to gender roles of the past that we have been working so hard to get by? Will the male, no matter his actual role, always be looked upon as the breadwinner in a typical heterosexual couple?

Next topic.
Cockteases, and how is it a source of power for women. And yet that works so well with the gold digging, as a woman who pretends she is interested in a lonely man will probably get anything and everything she wants and desires, money or otherwise. Evil, evil women. It's hard for a man to be a clit tease, because we normally would just give in and git er done. But women, your willpower, your ability to feign interest for whatever reason, I must give it to you, I am impressed. I can only imagine the amount of blue balls given nightly across the country. Are hidden agendas always in mind? Probably not. Everyone needs a confidence boost now and then, what better way than to have someone dying to tear your clothes off, and then just walking away from it with a smile and maybe a handprint on your ass? How empowering. You really do hold all the chips sometimes ladies, and you absolutely fucking LOVE IT. The worst thing about it for men, and the best thing about it for women, is best laid out in example. In college, my roomates and I were wildly, wildly attracted to a woman. It may or may not continue, I'm afraid her and her friends might read this so I will keep it general and ambiguous. It became apparent after some time she was a major, major cocktease. I have never seen a group of guys spend more of their time flirting with the same girl, knowing there was nothing to come out of it but a hug goodbye and then some afterthoughts involving our own hands and a tissue. And yet, we continue on this path. Drool when she arrives, do our best to flirt hoping she might get interested, come to think she is being receptive to it all..... and then crying ourselves to sleep and tucking our testicles back because they have proven worthless, once again. Even when we KNOW, we KNOW we are getting nothing, we go on, with the slight glimmer of hope that maybe someday there is a chance, a hope. There most likely isn't, but damn, she must have a nice amount of self confidence. Evil, evil women.

Random thoughts.

Is it always better to have loved and lost? Cause the way I see it, that next part "...than to have never loved at all" is a bunch of bullshit. Hopefully we each grow up with some love in our hearts, be it for our family, our best friends, whomever we are closest with. To have loved and lost, where does that get us? Heartbroken? Angry, vengeful? Depends how we lose the person I guess. To lose someone to a passing is one thing- I would never argue with that. What if you lose a significant other because you found out the two timing bastard/bitch was cheating on you with half the Minnesota Vikings football team/cheerleading squad (I for a fact, know that my next girlfriend will not be attending any "boat parties"). Is it better to have loved and lost him or her? Probably not, imagine what that will do to you mentally? You will wind up bitter, not trusting anyone or anything, without feelings for a little while, and just plain pissed off at times- tell me how you are better off? Let me guess, you will have telltale signs the next time around? Probably not, those don't work. People can be discreet and in relationships- I call it the INTERNET! Not hard to get away with shit on there that your hunny/stud cannot trace, am I wrong? What else could be a positive gain from it all- you know how to be picky from now on? Yeah, probably too picky, and either controlling, in an attempt not to lose someone (which will lose them quicker), or unable to open up for a long, long time to someone, no matter how great they seem. Because the last one seemed just as great if not better, and look how easily she was bent over/he was between her legs. So in these cases, I say fuck that- love the ones you know love back unrequited, and the ones that won't wind up in Girls Gone Wild- Fuck Everyone on the Planet edition (that has to be coming soon, they're getting less creative as time goes on...) or the ones that would leave you in a heartbeat for the girl with the tight ass crossing the street that may or may not have just winked in his direction. I find it immensely hard to engage in a quality relationship at my age- like I've said before.. maybe I sabotage it because I know what I really want, and it is not yet here. Or maybe it's just hard to find someone, not ready to settle down, but at least ready to calm down and put on some form of blinders, figuratively speaking. I have loved and lost- and since I haven't loved anything at all but those that have always been there for me- family, and my dogs (like woof woof), because they are too dumb to double cross me.

Your thoughts are appreciated, but hey, remember, it's just my damn opinion.

Rules. They need to be set and understood.

Coming on too strong. We are all guilty of it. Sometimes, well most times, at least for me, it is alcohol induced. Sometimes I just get excited over shit and don't even realize what I'm doing. And it's the same with other people. So I am here to address some things and lay some groundwork. We've already discussed internet dating (go back and read if you haven't you non subscribing son of a bitch), I won't get too heavily into that again.

The first rule, that no one understands anymore, is phone etiquette. It is easy to understand male phone etiquette. We use the phone as little as possible. Some of you call it mean, I call it efficient. We can figure out plans and have everything setup for the night in a 30 second call to a guy friend. No need to waste away a half hour discussing things that can be brought up in person, or just aren't important at that time. But when a guy does get weird on the phone, is when he gets a phone number from a lady. 24 hours, 48 hours? What are the rules? It applies differently to certain people, and I would have to say the only guideline is the situation itself and how it works itself out. Expectations need to be set for this to be better laid out. For example- let's take a crazy one. You meet a girl at a bar and go back to your place and have sex all night and she leaves in the morning but gives you her phone number. Okay, seems like you were a buckin bronco then buddy, call her later that evening, but just to say you had a lot of fun and you want to do it again (if you mean it, otherwise you're a typical asshole). If it's like a Wednesday, wait until Friday, she will be more anxious, obviously that's what you want.
Example 2- you're an AIM playaaaaaaaa- you get a girl's number you've been talking to for anywhere from 12 seconds to 32 months. How long do you wait then? COMPLETELY depends on the situation. First off, she may have given you the number to the reject line. Do a google search on the number and see if it comes up- (in my defense I only did it once because it seemed too good to be true) No hits? You're in luck, she might dig ya. But does she talk about other boys or how much she hates men and seriously, SERIOUSLY, just wants someone to talk to? Give it time then buddy, you aren't getting head, by any means. Unless you are that good. But if you are, you wouldn't need someone else to tell you how to roll with it all.

On the flipside, the women need to understand what's up as well. Guys may seem to come on too strong but, sometimes it is your own fault. Maybe you just had an amazing conversation and he took it the wrong way. Or maybe you were flirting more than you realized? It's possible, I SEEN IT. Maybe he read about your nonverbal clues in some men's magazine and thinks he has you pegged. Either way, don't always blame him. Poor guy, maybe he hasn't touched a woman in like 3 months and is getting sick of calloused, hairy hands and fading eyesight. We can be overeager, but that's more reason for everyone to set expectations before the awkwardness even has a chance to set in. That's the main mixup here, women assume we know when they want to be called, and men assume the women want the call as soon as possible (which can be true, yet rare. and if she's that desperate, she can give up the TRADITIONAL, bullshit gender role we play, and make the first move) On that note, how come everything is changing but that which some call "old fashioned"? Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with holding the doors for women, opening her car door first, all that cute stuff, thats chivalry. But the whole deal about who is supposed to call whom first, making the first move, yadda yadda, cmon! If I can have a female boss, I can have a female throw me on the bed and start making out with me. And if I could have those two together, I would probably climb the corporate ladder quicker than kissing an old white man's ass.

So what are the rules? To review- set expectations, always. That way there are no surprises when it comes to contact attempts. Don't overdo it. An example? Too much text messaging. I'm lucky, it costs me money so I never spend it. But too much calling, too much texting, is unnecessary. If the other person doesn't respond to the text, or is responding with one word answers, give up.... and as for calling? No more in one day unless the other party asks you to- if EVEN once a day.

I like an assertive woman- take charge, tell me how it's going to go. That's hot. What a random change in subjects.



PS- for credit, this was inspired by some crazy girl, I think her name is Amelia, well her Myspace name is, but that means her real name is probably Gertrude or something and she is being trendy. Anywho, she made my banner too, how hot. Ask Zandar, yo.

Why I should write for Men's Health

So the new issue came a few weeks ago, I finally got around to reading it. Not only is there an article in there on ways to turn a woman on other than direct genital contact, there is an article on how to now blow it with her friends (ie, cockblockers r us). There is also a fun fact I thought I would dive into and address. Seems that married men are the happiest of men surveyed, with single men being the least happy. I guess at some point in life, sex no longer equates happiness. Boy do I hope I never reach that phase.

So why would men be happier in relationships- let's take a look. One, we don't bitch to our guy friends. Not about everyday things. We need someone to listen to our shit about work, our shit about family, things we just aren't normally going to approach other guy friends about. So women, being in a relationship with you, allows us to pile our shit on you and feel better because of it. Thank you.

In the beginning of a relationship, there is plenty of sex. Sex makes everyone happy, so that makes sense too, does it not? So the marriage part threw me off. Maybe it is because you are finally getting everything done you have wanted: settling down, starting a family, becoming a mere shadow of what you were and growing into what your father one day dreamed you would be. Honestly, to even think about this at my age and where I am in my life, is frightening. Maybe that is also because all of my relationships have wound up terribly short and nightmarish. But hey, that is life isn't it?

So where is this blog going? I don't know. I wanted to write a book initially, this took up too much of my time as of late. I want it to grow, I want more readers. I want loyal readers. I want more feedback, comment, love, affection, and most importantly, hate. I need a banner. Someone help me make a banner. I spend too much time at work and the gym, the rest of my free time is pretty much spent here. Maybe I should hire a secretary. Will anyone work for laughs? Let me know. Because if laughs are payment, you will be making six digits. Reiche isn't picking up the slack. What a bum. I want to be serious about this, hear me now. It is just a matter of getting the word out there- this guy is fucking funny, fucking smart, and what a deadly combination. Nevermind his devilishly good looks.

Should I change my attack here? This has mostly been about my opinions and thoughts. Should I branch out and include stories? Some of you might hate me if I talk about the good ol days. Some of you might love me more. OH, the juxtaposition. But seriously, use that word two times tomorrow and you get a huge prize.

On that note.... back to the drawing board.

more locker room antics

There are reasons I do not go to the gym in the morning before work. One, I love sleep. Two, I stay up too late to get enough to sleep to wake up early enough (got me?). Three, too many naked men there early in the morning. Four, showering and shaving there feels like some awkward fraternity adventure again- though when I pledged we didn't have to trounce around naked (I dunno about some of you other colleges). So instead, I'm at the gym from 730-9 at night and exhausted by the time I get home and get the evening started. And I swear, the first time one of these fun boys whips me with a towel as a joke, I'm going to ask him to get dressed so I can beat his ass. Cause beating up a naked guy just seems strange.

I can only imagine the weird flabby breasts that go on in the women's locker room at the gym. But let's talk about what I DO know about- the naked ass men, everywhere. Bending over like it ain't no thang. Excuse me, but I do not apprecite your brown eye, keep it to your damn self! I really do want to conduct a study to see at what age men decide, FUCK IT! I'll show my ass anywhere, anytime. No need to be shameful of my genitals anymore, strangers can glance as I powder up the goods for the rest of the day (barf, barf, and ralph). What the fuck is it with these men? Is it not nearly homoerotic, is this not like a gay bath house in the city years ago, less all the actual anal action? The worst part is that the locker room is tiny, there isn't much room to get around a naked man if he is standing in your way and you need to get to a locker. I have been known to leave and workout an extra 20 minutes, dead tired, just so that I won't have to face the possibility of brushing up against something and having to burn my clothing after.

So the other day, I'm getting ready to head out there, changing into my shorts and whatnot. This guy, couldn't have been more than 40, comes in and begins to change too. Right friggin next to me. No big deal, it didn't look like he was getting naked..... oh, shit, look to the right, he's unveiling the package. Son of a... wait, what the hell is he doing? He grabs for something I haven't seen since 9th grade baseball- a JOCK STRAP? Wait a second, this gym doesn't even have raquetball courts- what the fuck is this guy doing?
Yes, he took off his underwear and put on a jock strap, and went to work. I'm thinking, this guy either got some shitty advice, has dropped a dumbell on his sack somehow in his day, or he just likes the comfort and support it provides the whole pelvic region. That or he lives the feeling of it up his ass. Granted, I haven't worn one in many many many many years, so I could be off... but I thought they were, on average, worn built into a pair of briefs or over underwear, something like that. No, this guy had the thong version, nothing else. Like a horrible car accident, I looked away long enough to miss the gruesome part, but I was really wondering what kind of jock sensitive exercise this man was doing! Maybe the jumping jacks really got to him?

So I went upstairs and along with my business, almost forgetting this guy existed. Well, he eventually came upstairs too. And went straight for... the... treadmill. That's it. He ran on the treadmill for like a half hour, and left. No teste endangering, nothing. It had me baffled. I just hope his wife doesn't have to plug his ass at night instead of the other way around.

My thoughts on being a slut

Alright people, if you're bothering to read this, know first off this is going to be long, I have a lot to say. Some of you who know me a little better than just a super popular handsome kid on myspace (haha) have heard me ramble on about sex in this society, and how ridiculous some of the shit that is that we have branded onto our brain. I am here to try and make a difference, somewhat of a difference, and try to change the shit that religion has fucked up, that parenting has fucked up, and that old views on something so natural and so beautiful, has fucked up.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE- IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT. If you ask me what a slut is, it is a person who has sex with someone to get something other than his/her rocks off. If you are using someone for drugs, money, friends/popularity, then you are a slut in my book; that is slutty. Slutty is doing it to get something you want or further yourself in anything other than a career (I make exceptions). Having sex because it feels fucking fantastic and relieves tension/stress, gets the blood pumping, good cardio workout, all those reasons are fine and dandy with me. Fuck away. Be safe, get tested regularly, don't pee on anyone under 18, and you should be set. I'm not saying sleep with everyone, but get some damn good sex. WHY NOT?! Because God looks down on people who have sex before marriage? FUCK THAT, thats the bullshit some old white people wrote years ago to keep the people in check, because sex was seen as deviant. GUESS WHAT, it isn't. So that theory is shot to hell. Ha ha, yes, shot to hell, where you were expected to go if you were fucking out of wedlock. The same people who wrote this in the holy book of all were also the ones that could no longer enjoy sex. Therefore they live an angry, unfulfilled life, hoping for promise in the afterlife. Think about it- if you weren't getting laid, wouldn't you wish everyone else weren't getting laid as well? Don't you get angry when it's been a few months and all your friends are telling you about their sexcapades? Mmmm...Coincidence?

CASE IN POINT- we all have our stories but this is a great one I was told, which inspired me to write this to be honest. A friend of mine was telling me about a girl she knew, who was a virgin until she got to college. She lost it her freshman year, and within that year, slept with 8 other guys, totalling 9. She was hooking up with guy number 10, but before they got to sex, she decided she couldn't have vaginal intercourse with him because double digits would make her a SLUT, a WHORE, whatever she had in mind that was dirty. So this female, ex virgin, now sex obsessed woman (can you BLAME HER?) decided to let this man have sex with her, but not in the vag, if youre following my hints here. She decided anal sex would keep her from feeling like she slept with 10 guys. GO FIGURE, I thought the pooper was worth 1.5 or something, last time I checked the point scale. Anyway, this is just one example of how ridiculous people can be with their convoluted thoughts. And I hope she enjoyed going to the bathroom the next few days, nevermind walking with her legs together.

Here's something else on my brain. We've all been in the situation where we meet someone and hook up. It happens, and then we start thinking with our hormones. Guys, I know at least one time you've been making out with a girl, groping her body, finally thinking you're gonna get some, but then, NOPE. And why, you ask why WHY can't we just have sex. "Because I'm not a slut" "Because I'm not easy" are probably common responses. So you respond with, "But you would like to have sex wouldn't you" AND, they respond with a big fat yes but they are biting their lip and still smacking your hands away from their crotch. Even worse, you may have been in a situation where you have done everything with a girl EXCEPT throw your dingaling inside, and then she stops you. Last time I checked, it's a little more personal to let someone go down on you than allow them to check your oil; but hey, that's just my opinion. Because of all this bullshit, for some reason, a lot of women have this wild idea in their head that doing everything but intercourse on the first date is fine, and then fucking like rabbits the next time you see the person, likely the next day, stops you from being a whore. This is also addressed in my previous blog about waiting. Don't you like how these go hand in hand?

NO ONE LIKES BLUE BALLS. Why get to the point that all you want to do is ravage the shit out of eachother, and stop? Because society has deemed it as evil, and taboo. Only in this society will shit like that happen (and some wild tribal cultures but they also chisel their teeth and eat babies and chop off your arm to welcome you to manhood). If you go around Europe, the views on sex as a whole are WAY more relaxed than the shit here. Don't believe me? Find someone from a country over there, straight from one of those countries, and chat with them. Hell, try to get off if you want!

I may be straying some, like I said, I have a lot to say. So onto something else random.

I have found, through my own personal research, haha, and things I hear from my confidants, that women tend to get attached after sex. I'm not saying all, believe it or not guys, you probably have been used for sex at some point in your life, be proud. Some woman deemed you important enough to get her off, and that's it. Wear a fucking Burger King crown around for the rest of the day, after you figure out which chick that was. You won't be able to tell, thats the problem. But there are some clues, probably the one that never called you back again and gave you a fake number. Or maybe she let you hit it again but that was it. But it is in their upbringing, because of this brainwash society has placed. When a woman has sex, it is stuck somewhere in her head that you are then expected to start a relationship with that person. Probably because you are already breaking the "moral code" that you are supposed to be with that person before you get your jollies off, but hey, close enough. Guys get freaked easily, which is funny, you figure by now most of us would expect the woman to be calling more, wanting to hang out more, and not just for sex; for cute things like dinner and spooning while watching romantic comedies- that is enough to freak anyone out. I love dinner and I love spooning and I hate romatic comedies, but I'll admit, I have had sex before under the pretenses that is was JUST SEX, and we weren't trying to be perfect couple #1 after that. So of course we look like douchebags, making up excuses, or hanging out with our guy friends too much, or suddenly becoming sick (who hasn't used that to get out of something?!) I swear I have a conclusive point here. If we all just expected sex to be sex, and relationships to form IF both parties are interested and it is something viable, then sex would be a lot easier, for everyone. I'm not saying everyone would be having sex everywhere, but people wouldn't be holding back because they know they will be attached and don't want gossip to get out that so and so fucked so and so after knowing him or her for 9 hours, SO WHAT, IT DOES HAPPEN. Believe it or not, people have sex just to have sex, and are okay with that.

Realize I am just pointing out my opinion here, I learned a lot about sex throughout college and was a teaching assistant for a 500 person class called "human sexuality". I know way too much about sex organs and sex and the history of sex and all that, it comes in handy though when I throw out random facts and people all go "ooooh, really?" That's my satisfaction. I am posting this for a few reasons, hopefully some people will actually take the time to read it, gather their own opinion (hopefully one is already formed and waiting to come out) and an INTELLECTUAL response can be posted beneath. Love me or hate me for this, I just think the United States would be more relaxed if we spent less time worrying about are we being slutty by having sex and more time worrying about who is going to get me off the best; things like that. I'm not looking for tons of random sex, believe me, I have always been the relationship type; I am just sick of hearing from both male and female friends of mine about how so and so wouldn't give them any or how so and so won't call them back. We are fighting a losing battle here people, we just need to recognize the roots and strike back.

The waiting game.

More than a few of you have written to me, asking this question- bout time I addressed it.
It goes something like this
"Dane, men want sex the first night. I want to wait. How long should I wait? Why do we wait?" etc. You get the idea.

Here goes.

Women wait because they have grown to know most men mostly want one thing. And once they get it, they are done with you. Am I wrong, or has this not been pounded into your skulls time and time again? Then there's the whole concern about being called a slut, which I cannot stand!!! That, will be a separate, rehashed blog, written way back when. Cliff notes version: I hate the world slut, whore (unless you get paid for sexual favors) and I do not think it is wrong to enjoy sex without having a serious relationship with that person. So there you have it.

Here's my problem with women wanting to wait. If everything else is going right, and you both want sex (it's a given the blood is flowing for him), what is the point of waiting? Because you want to see if he has what it takes? Bad idea, let me explain. If you have sex the first night, and he never talks to you again, well shit, fuck him. He's a bastard, go have women's night out and bitch and say you're becoming a lesbian, and then make out with the next hot guy that talks to you when you are wasted. You saw it coming, you expected him to be a douchebag, he fulfilled the prophecy, it is done. No tears shed, you might just have a little limp for a day or two if he was any good. No real harm, no real foul. At least you didn't start to LIKE THE GUY FIRST (note: Foreshadowing). Now say, for example, you make the guy wait like 5 dates, or two weeks. So you keep going out, not having sex, he gets blue balls and complains, but he seems nice enough; he keeps calling. Ooh, maybe he is a good guy after all- I mean we haven't had sex, and he is still around. Hmm... cue female emotions. Ooh I think I like him, maybe we'll start doing cute things like shop together and I'll invite him over to watch my favorite show or movie. If he goes through that, he deserves this vag.
How wrong you are. What you are underestimating, is how far a guy will go to get some warm apple pie. We will go through Hell and back, if it means we are getting laid. You really have no idea, it's almost sad. I've seen guys so drunk they can't even force each eye to look in the same direction- they get a booty call, and somehow find a way to straighten themselves out enough to try and get some ass. We could be shot in the liver, waiting for a transplant at the hospital and clinging onto life- but if a hot nurse walks by and motions her finger like she wants to suck around the gaping wound- we will be fine for a half hour, believe me. Point is, just like you women can play your games of charades, we men can play along, and give you what you want. It doesn't mean we don't want you for sex, and it doesn't mean we will continue to call, but you have decided so in your minds, and that's where the trouble happens. So you wait two weeks, and then you have sex. He doesn't call the next day... or the day after. He stops IMing you as frequently, and you get nervous. But wait, I just started to like this guy! Not him too!


yep. And look at the only difference. Now you're in too deep. You started thinking about what song to play at the wedding for your first and last dance. You thought about what a great homemaker he would be, how much you would love to see him smile after you finish cleaning because you want to be a traditional wife, just for him. And look, you're in the exact same spot you could have been two weeks earlier, but then it wouldn't have been "making love", it would have been sex.

Point is, over 50% of men admitted they would have sex with a woman as soon as she was willing. We like sex, we LOVE sex, and we will have sex when it is presented to us. We are absolutely crazy and testosterone owns our souls. On the flipside, a lot of women also enjoy sex and want to have it but are afraid to rush into things and feel cheap, dirty, or both. That and you all just enjoy playing mind games and trying to make us jump through the hoops. But in situation A, where you have sex after the first date or two, and then he's a douchebag... you aren't hurt. Situation B, we jumped through your hoops, we played along, we sat, rolled over, and definitely, DEFINITELY, begged. And two weeks into it, your heart is broken again. Here comes the ice cream, self loathing, mini depression, and hissing at boys that pass by and look at you twice.

Am I advising you sleep with every guy that takes you out right away to avoid emotional turmoil?








in a word, yes.

just kidding, but hey, the way I present the situation- it almost makes you wonder... doesn't it?

Maybe this latin on my body is making me think...

Imagine life back in the day.

I mean, back, back, way back in the day. Roman times. Things seemend more simple- more fun. It was about eating slabs of meat fresh off the bone, murdering and getting away with it (gladiators.. I'll get to this) and lots of sex. I can think of two things cooler.

I'm lying, nothing is cooler.
Not that I lived in that age, but hey, I watched Rome at least once! And there was a scene, with Cleopatra, where her secretary (see: slave) called in a strapping young man. After a quick introduction, the secretary says, and I quote "the Queen requests that you enter her now".


YO!.......damn.. word? Is that for real? Were these frequently used phrases? Did I miss out on the golden age of dirty talking that sounds sophisticated? Or are the British still engaging in that? Either way, wow. If at some point in my life, a secretary says that to me, I can die a happy man. Of course, in my fantasy, the secretary joins. But hey, we can't all have our cake and eat it too. I hate that saying, whomever came up with that should be shot, at least with a taser.

Onward.

Prisoners = gladiators. What a smart fucking idea. Why waste billions of money feeding these scumbags that we are putting to death anyway. I'm not talking about your run of the mill convict that is in for a little robbery or selling coke to an infant- I'm talking about the scum of the scum. The serial rapists, the serial murderers, those on death row with no hope of coming off. What is the fucking point of keeping these people alive, to kill them??? HONESTLY- cruel and unusual punishment my ass, look what these sacks of shit did to get in there. And yet we continue to waste, and yes I mean waste, taxpayer money on keeping these shitheads fed, clothed, and with some form of interaction and entertainment before ultimately, we still kill them. Because it's humane?? My God. In my perfect world, we bring back gladiators. You think those twisted fucks wouldn't love to fight to the death, for pure entertainment? Think about how much those colliseums filled up, tens of hundreds of thousands? All to watch prisoners fight tooth and nail to survive to fight another day. That was it! How simple, how entertaining, how genius. Save money, in fact, make money by charging! Less crowded jails, speedier death row. It's a beautiful thing. Stupid human rights. Shouldn't there be a time when those are stripped? Maybe I'm crazy, but I bet there are at least 3 of you out there that agree with me.

Men were men back then. Try hanging out with a blowout or a shelf full of products, you would wind up with a sword in your spleen. Man the fuck up, go kill something with your hands and eat it raw. Go please your woman and keep her happy. Go fight in a couple wars and come back with only one scar. Must have been tough to be an alpha male back then, with everyone being so full of testosterone. Women, I bet you miss that too.

Elders were actually the wise ones, not the senile ones. Then again, to be old was to be like 40, but still, it's the idea that counts. The older people were highly respected, not quickly taken advantage of.

Drinking was done as a group- everyone was happy and bar fights were just because everyone wanted to wrestle.

Whore houses were heralded as a great place to meet a good woman for a night.

Life was about furthering the community, not the self. What an unselfish, very naked time. Amen.

Male friends, female friends.

There is a HUGE, HUGE difference, between men and their friends, and women and their friends, in a dating environment. The main difference, of course, is that women friends are always (always always always) cock blocks. Without fail. Male friends, however, are vagina promoters. Please note this is obviously purely a heterosexual based post. Back to the story.

Women in groups. There is always one friend that wants to leave. Why? Cause one thought she could drink more than any other man (she was wrong). Or one finally realized she is the ugly one, and no guy is trying to play with her boobies, beer goggles and all. Or, one has a boyfriend and you don't really know why you take her out anyway, cause she just keeps you from getting laid. But there are always reasons. One might be in a certain mood, where she hates all men and only agreed to hang out so she could plot the death of the penis, and now she is content. The point is, no matter what the situation, there is always one loser, one enormous cockblock, one girl from the group, keeping everyone from getting their dicks wet.

Just one you say? That's why God made cloroform! Sadly, no. And the worst part of it all is, even if there are 17 of them, they all packed into one car. Why? When one wants to leave, they all leave. It's almost like a failsafe women have in place, so they know they won't make a dumb mistake if they get too drunk. Damn you women, damn you.

On the flipside, there is the group of men. Each one wants to get some, which leads to some natural competition. The most obvious, is when the females are either uninterested, not drunk enough, or undecided themselves. When that happens, it becomes a match- survival of the fittest. You think I have never spent a night drinking until 5AM to see which guy calls it quits? One down, three to go. My odds just increased greatly. It's funny to watch, as an outsider. On the inside, terrible, constant pressure.
-Okay, what to say now, what do I drink?
-Am I drunk?
-Is she drunk?
-Did that one just rub her thighs and wink at me?
-Oh shit I can see her titty right through that shirt!
-I just saw Justin yawn- he must be close
-Damnit Larry stop talking to her, that was the one I wanted!
-Johnny is way too drunk to get laid, that narrows it down.

Funny internal dialogues, let me tell you. If only we could get a microphone inside the male brain for these interactions, it would be priceless. Luckily, being a male, I can get you there. And ladies, I'm sure you see it, and laugh amongst yourselves the next day. Especially when you aren't interested at all and just staying up because you're drunk and love leading guys on.
-OMG Becky did you see the one that kept passing out but waking up and trying to cuddle with me? AS IF!
- TOTALLY! I kinda wanted Billy but he got too drunk and went home to masturbate, it's a shame.

And I'm sure other things related to that are also said. But the point is, we have two very different schools of thought here. That last situation applies normally when there are less females than there are men, which does tend to twindle as the night goes on. If there are even numbers, or even more, it is occasional that dibs might be called, and males will incessantly egg others on, and give pounds (dap) behind women's backs each time something good happens, or is going to happen. It's just the way we are. And I guess it's just the way you are.

But honestly, can you chill with the unnecessary cockblocking? It is the reason we men hate going alone to hang out with a group of you, when we are only interested in one. It is the reason we always try to even things out of the group environment is necessary, and it's also the reason we love to hang out one on one.

The idea is, men love to play wingman. We will go out of our way, just to help out a friend. We will take a bullet (see, paper bag, butter face, chunky monkey) in order to make you happy. Cause in the end, we know we will wind up calling on you, for the same thing, at a later date. And if you happen to say no, we will kindly remind you of waking up in sheer terror at the sight of that thing next to us with makeup removed and hair extensions taken out.
Women on the other hand, don't always believe in taking a bullet. Why? Because you are all inherently bitchy and hate to think that you had to "settle". TRUE

He finally gets it done!

Unless you are blind, you can see below, the tattoos are completed. And if you are blind, how can you read this anyway? Do they have braille translations available for webpages? Just touch the screen, that would be hot. Not sure how it would work for porn sites... there is always that occasional farm porn popup. (gives a whole new meaning to 'hung like a horse')

anyway, it hurt, go figure. The back wasn't too terrible, even though he went from shoulder blade, to across my spine, to the other shoulder blade. That is still kinda sore.

The triceps though? God damn. Who decided there should be sensitive tissue and nerve endings there!?! Sure as hell wasn't me. Took about an hour and a little, it's exactly what I wanted, and how I wanted it. The guy was professional and did a great job, and I had some laughs inbetween.

Things that went on while I was there- two 40+ went in to get pierced. Where, not completely sure, but they had to shut the door. Then she kinda groped him as she was leaving. I'm scared.

Then, two 14 year olds come in with one of their mothers. One wanted her belly button pierced. Great gift mom. Maybe on the way home, you can sign her up for fellatio classes and teach her how to talk dirty to a guy. Why not just throw in the pull-out instructions while you're at it! CHRIST

Anywho, I got did. Finally. And in a few weeks, it will look way better than it does now. How do you sleep on your stomach?

other side 

closeup 

I get my first (and second, and third?) tattoo. 

Online Dating. This should be interesting.

Disclaimer: I do not condone dating because of the internet. But let's be serious people.

Okay, so we all hear this about every day. People talking about meeting others from the internet, and how WEIRD that must be. So I got to thinking. Doesn't everyone use the internet these days? Where ARE we supposed to meet people? These sorts of questions come up when I think about this.

Sites like fucking Match.com making you PAY MONEY so they can MATCH YOU UP with people, that's twisted. Are they the pimps? Does that make you a John? Do I really want to tell my kids that I paid $40 and this computer spit out your mother?

Then I think about where I should meet someone. Obviously the thing that comes to mind is the bar. Okay great, so I'm going to go talk to some good looking woman who has already had 4 drinks in her, screaming so she can hear me, crowded, her friends all trying to do nothing but cock block me for more reasons than need to be discussed; and will I be proud when my kids ask where I met their mother at? "Yes kids, your mother was slamming back tequila shots, puked on the bar, then decided she wanted to slob my knob. 2 weeks of unprotected sex later, you little mistakes were formed!" (assuming they are twins, of course)

So why is the internet meeting deal so taboo? Is it because we automatically associate computers with dorks, weirdos, freaks? Those people aren't looking to meet anyone but other fans of Star Wars and D&D. Is it true only geeks use the internet? Am I missing something here? Valid points- you do not know the person over the internet, they are only typing words to you, it can all be a bunch of bullshit, and you just don't know. Plus, there is the famous shirt, that says "you looked better on myspace". That is to be addressed later. What is the proper way to meet someone? Because anywhere such as the bar, etc- you are meeting them from the outside, in. You are attracted due to appearance or the fact she looks drunk enough to sleep with you. One or both. Is that the way to do things? You know less than nothing about the person. You know they drink, probably often if you meet them at this bar Monday at 3pm. You probably don't know if he or she speaks English or can walk straight, depending on the state you meet this person at. Another common objection is, he or she could be some rapist or murderer. Right, since those same people never go to bars?

I don't know. I'm not saying I'm looking for love online. But to be honest, once you are out of college, single, and working full time, you don't have the same liberties you used to. I can't go get drunk on a Thursday night and try to find some slizzy to make out with. It just doesn't work that way. And with my schedule, I don't even have my Friday nights anymore. Where do I turn? The gym? Please, most of the women there are 40+ and NEED to be there. I would feel strange approaching a female at the gym. You know even less about them, except they like fitness (HUGE FUCKING PLUS) but chances are they have a boyfriend, or will tell you they do because you are a sweaty mess and women don't sweat- they glow.

What are my other options? Let's review. I live in fucking CONNECTICUT. Houses still sit on property around here, I can't reach out the window and high five my neighbor. There isn't much to do, or many places to go. Women also tend to be bitchy in these here parts, maybe I'm picky- but shit, you saw what I'm looking for. Never realized that was too much to ask for. Bars are boring or overpacked, I work and then I workout- my life exists at night, after 9pm, and I'm usually on the computer. And not just to appease you, the fans.

I guess the real question is, when is it going to become normal? There seems to be a trend, especially with Myspace being so popular, of others meeting after talking on the internet, more and more, day by day, by day by day. I was going to take that random and short movie line in another direction but I'll leave it alone, I already lost half of you.

Point is, everyone uses the internet. From the weird to the normal, believe it or not. Not everyone is out looking for love, but if you can find someone that matches your interests, why not bullshit with the person? See what they have to offer. Maybe it's a job, maybe they become a good friend. Maybe you find someone into some random shit you love like skydiving or tattoos and you have a new hetero life partner. Or maybe you find a great mate and you live happily ever after. When is it going to change? When bars first came out, was it weird to meet people from a bar? What about book stores? Wasn't that big before I was born? Let's do that again.


Oh, like promised. The whole "looking better on myspace" thing. Anyone can look good in a few pictures, it's just the truth. Cross eyed people can be staring off to the side. Fatties will just show their boobs, nothing below. Weird loners will just snag pictures with groups of people they don't know. Point is, everyone probably looks better in a few pictures. That's why all my pictures are of my looking like a re-re. Because it can only get better from there, people. And stop being so fucking shallow with everyone else. Maybe she has a heart of gold, it isn't her fault she is a great golfer (huge ass).